I know I was moaning about how crap the weather was last year, and that we all need a long, hot summer, but I don't fancy a nuclear tan in 2022, Vlad. Calm down, mate, it's not worth it - and whilst the team here at Best Promos would love to take Liz Truss's challenge to take up arms (and bazookas), travel to Ukraine and get stuck into some high-end military pagga with the Russians, we simply can't. None of our passports are up-to-date, unfortunately, so we have to stay in Eastcote and support the cause in different ways.
How?
Well, the tech team here have, in the last few days, successfully applied to join Anonymous. The back-end geeks who keep this blog running have been working 24-hour shifts to ensure the following tasks and assaults are carried out in the name of justice and UK social media banter:
- RECODING of Putin's big red button to play the Family Fortunes buzzer instead of launching an atom bomb
- DDOS attacks against Vladimir Putin's computer
- HACKING of the official Kremlin digital DAB radio
- DEPLOYMENT of billions of botnet cyber malware agents to be installed on all Russian military rocket launchers, hand-grenades, chain guns and bazookas
- SPAMMING of the Russian equivalents of ITV, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, ITVBe, CITV and ITV +1
- CRACKING of all Russian code in order to annoy all Russian coders
- SHUTDOWN of all Bandcamp pages operating from inside Moscow
- WHITE HAT ethical malicious kerberos cyber HTTP anti-drives on all Russian-based Pioneer DJ controllers to switch Rekordbox with Serato Pro, and vice versa.
I made the last one up. LOL. They can't stop us laughing.
To expand, Best Promos, along with Anonymous, have made the new Scalameriya song, Warbeast, play on a continuous loop on the Russian equivalent of ITV, so that when Putin wants to watch Улица Коронации, he is met with the full force of the latest Perc Trax hit single. If he tries to change channel to whatever their BBC One is, he is then met with the tough beats and warped vocals of Kiti Kimera, also by Scalameriya. By now, Putin is getting angry and orders his Chancellor of the Exchequer to bring him a cup of tea, but when the switch is flicked on the kettle it doesn't boil the water...it immediately starts to play the collapsing synth riffs of Elder Venus out of the spout, which is again by Scalameriya.
Panicking and confused - and still angry - the Russian president reaches for the 'on' button of the Kremlin digital radio and desperately stabs at it with one of his sausage fingers. Expecting to hear Smooth Radio, he is instead met with eleven tracks of cybernetic, synthetic techno that still has a warm heart at its core. Yes, we have hacked his digital radio so that it plays the full pre-release of Aeon Core by Scalameriya on Perc Trax.
Whilst still incredibly angry, Putin can't help thinking that this is an album that perfectly balances intricacy, rhythm and power, and if he were to give it a score out of ten, he'd have no option but to go with a WHOPPING 10/10.
Still, the dozy shit-house reaches for the Nuke Everyone button on his desk...
Not today, Vlad, not today.
Aeon Core by Scalameriya is out on Perc Trax this Friday, 4 March 2022
Pre-order it here: Aeon Core by Scalameriya
Follow Scalameriya on Twitter: @Scalameriya
Follow Perc Trax on Twitter: @PercTrax
Speaking of really evil sounding music, HYPE Filter sent me some MP3s of the new/old CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Blank Mind (was originally out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME when I was 11-years old). I was in a good mood after writing the stuff above about Putin off the cuff, but this stuff has sent me down a psychedelic wormhole of paranoia and bad nostalgia. In 2004, I sat on the sofa in my 2-bed Muswell Hill pad that I was renting, settled down with a few cans of Stella and did some magic mushrooms that I'd bought in Camden Market with a chum. About half an hour in, my Nokia 3310 went, I answered it and heard the devil say my name in quite a nasty way, and that was it: eight or nine hours of horror.
I was seeing Freddy Krueger's face everywhere I looked: up the walls, on the floor, all over the tiles in the bathroom, on my lap. It was a feeling not too dissimilar to that of being blasted in the brain with a bazooka. Sick stuff. At one point, I decided to go for a walk to Toff's, thinking a bag of chips and a bottle of pop would sort me out, but as I stumbled around the block, it felt like I was descending into Hell...Muswell Hell - LOL. I sat on the wall opposite the church and ate my chips, feeling really sorry for myself.
What finally helped was the VHS of Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge I had. I stuck it on early evening and my mood lifted. Imagine watching that in the middle of summer on a mushroom downer and you'll be imagining the unimaginable "absolute gem for those who know urban, British psychedelic music" of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME. Not my words, Carol, those are the words of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Discogs.
For pure evilness and the trippy, mongy horribleness of it all (in a good way) I'll have to award this release a fab 10/10 !!! Well done, CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME.
It's out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME, but God knows how you pre-order it. If I see some Soundcloud or Bandcamp links appearing anywhere soon, I'll share in future posts because it's a CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME and you should defo get behind it - and Blank Mind have a proper cool logo. I reckon who ever came up with it watched a lot of Central News as a kid.
Here's the Blank Mind Bandcamp page anyway: Blank Mind
Follow Blank Mind on Twitter: @BlankMindLabel
I don't know what else I've been listening to this week. Some other stuff from HYPE Filter, but I haven't sat down and concentrated on them yet; Oliver Coates, Violet. I'll get around to them soon. I know (!), I had the Daniel Avery track, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix), on the other day whilst I made some lemon curd on toast and a cup of tea for breakfast. I opened the windows, pumped up the volume and shared it with the neighbours. The bin men were all high-fiving one another and jauntily strutting around to the beat as they struggled with the weight of my food waste, a bit like a small swarm of crows trying to carry a massive bazooka.
At five minutes and twenty five seconds, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel 'Drone Logic' Avery is the perfect length to brew a cuppa, toast two slices of bread and then spread on enough butter and lemon curd to satisfy your needs. It won't be long enough for you to eat the toast and drink the tea, though. I'd suggest following the Daniel Avery track with Sad Days by Oliver 'Skream' Jones.
Sad Days is seven minutes and eighteen seconds long, more than enough time to comfortably eat two slices of toast and finish your cup of tea, and - weirdly - it came out exactly seven days before Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix). Very spooky.
Also, both songs have that melancholy/sadness sounding thing that loads of DJs like to end a mix CD with. Cheer up, fellas! But that is so weird, eh, readers??
If I had to, and I don't have to (but I will), I'd give both releases a retrospective 10/10 each.
Buy Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel Avery here: THIS LINK HERE
Buy Sad Days by Skream: THIS LINK HERE
Follow Daniel Avery on Twitter: @DanielMarkAvery
Follow Skream on Twitter: @I_Skream
I'm logging off now. Bye.
Email me YOUR best promos, or stick me on your mailing list or something: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter: @BestPromos4Eva
No comments:
Post a Comment