Have you ever blogged? On a good day, blogging can be one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life, like watching Sharon snag another toy boy on the Square, or like watching Phil punch another toy boy on the Square. It really gets your pulses racing, especially if you team your blog with a trendy social media account. That feeling you get when someone Likes your new post on Twitter, or Likes your new post on Instagram is intoxicating. There is no better feeling in the world. Not even a double drop of ecstasy in Club Fabric can get you as close to Heaven as a good blog post and a high social media engagement score. I swear down, dudes.
However, due to the war in Ukraine and Brexit - and despite having some trendy DJ types follow me on me socials and a couple of toadying interviews with some proper good people - viewing figures have dropped on here to terminal levels. I could carry on and debase myself in public/the Internet by tagging the world in whenever I advertise a new post in the hope that I'll somehow go viral or I could go in completely the other direction.
I could:
STAY ON Instagram and Twitter, but
REMOVE all of my posts and Tweets
DELETE all of my Likes (except one about Troy McClure)
STOP following EVERYONE - even the people I genuinely think are sound
GET RID of all of my followers on Instagram (I can't get rid of anyone on Twitter)
STAY OFF Facebook completely
I call this method Minimal Engagement Actuality Technology, or M.E.A.T. for short. As well as the steps above, we are leveraging Bing ChatGPT and semi-globalised NFTs to maximise our engagement with the dance demographic. Kickin'!
This radical re-think of Best Promos' social media landscape may be utterly brainless and counter to any reasonable standards of something or something, but by gad I'm going to try it. In fact, I've ALREADY actioned all of the above actions! LOL. I did so on the train journey back from Birmingham last weekend when I was massively hungover and promising Jesus that I was going to give up alcohol for Lent.
"Not one drop of the demon drink will not pass my lips until Easter."
"Not one account will be tagged in any future social media posts until Easter."
I do wish I hadn't removed all of my Instagram followers, though. I had a few hundred. That was a bit stupid. Oh well. Let's see how things go. It's all a bit of a laugh and a carry on anyway, isn't it, readers?! Tee hee!
DANCE MUSIC REVIEWS
Man Power (real name, Geoff Powers) has written a couple of lovely songs for Jordan Nocturne's (real name, Jordan Nocturne) record label, Nocturne, and it's been released on Nocturne this month, the other week, on a Friday. Is it good?
Hell yes it's good. Have a listen to the first song on it, called Overbite:
Now, although I enjoyed the music, I found the title (Overbite) offensive because I have an underbite. I suffer from live with jut jaw, and I didn't appreciate the assumption that Man Power is making on this record. Not everyone has an overbite. Sorry, Geoff, I just had to say that. I love you, but you know me; if I have a problem with something, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm going to have a word. I might step on a few toes here and there and break the odd sea shell, but what you get is what you see. I also don't suffer fools gladly.
The other song on this release is called Full Body Gurn, and it's an affectionate look back on the career of the Bounce By The Ounce man who, on this day in 2013, achieved the first ever full body gurn in a British nightclub. Since then, the Bounce By The Ounce man has gone from strength to strength, appearing in his very own YouTube videos where he recreates that dance, and in a calendar where he is superimposed over landmarks such as the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty doing that dance.
Full Body Gurn is a r-r-r-r-r-r-really good song, and if the big, bald, boggle-eyed bastard ever gets his ears around this release, he'd appreciate the tribute - but the Bounce By The Ounce man won't hear Wallsend's Finest because the only genre of dance music he will listen to is northern UK vocal donk. Sorry, guys :'-(
We love it down here in Ruislip, though, so it gets a rollicking 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos. Well done that Man (Power! LOL)!
Perc Trax. Perc. The nicest, and biggest, man in industrial dance. I once remarked that Perc's 2017 album, Bitter Music, was an album of music to drink bitter to, and everyone who heard me say that ended up dying of split sides. Well, if Bitter Music was an album to drink bitter to, Chase Scene Morality by Ghost In The Machine (out now on Perc Trax) is music to drink Carling Black Label to! It's got an almost black cover and if the music was a colour, you could only call it black!
Not in a racist way, I'm not being racist, I just mean it's really moody music.
Have a listen to this!
Out of the three tracks on this hard hitting EP, I like Come On the best.
Why, Best Promos?
Well, because it's got a "come on" vocal. I've long been an advocate of this dance music trope so I'm over the moon to see it coming back. All we need now are some rolling snare build ups and kick/cymbal crash things that get more regular as the drop comes in, do you know what I mean? Have a listen to the version of Get Up, Stand Up by Phunky Phantom on TDVs Elements CD and you'll get what I'm talking about.
The rest of this EP sounds exactly the same, in a good way (imagine a pneumatic drill being left on in a steel bin full of drawing pins), so I'm going to stick my neck out and give it a 10/10 - I don't care what Pottsy thinks!
Chase Scene Morality is great and it's OUT NOW on Perc Trax!
This is guaranteed to be a 10/10 night. No question.
Tickets are all sold out, so get yourself down to Tunnel Club in Brum early doors or keep checking out the resale thing on here: HOUSE OF GOD
And that's all for this week. I hope you've enjoyed the show. LOL. I might actually reverse-ferret and tag the people in I'm reviewing on Twitter and stuff when I post about them. I don't want to go too puritanical.
I wonder if M.E.A.T., my new way of anti-social media will work? Hmm * chin scratching emoji *
I was watching a documentary last night about Luciano...no, not THAT Luciano! LOL. Sorry, mid-00s Latin-American minimal techno fans! I was watching a programme about Luciano Pavarotti; that big, fat Italian opera singer. Do you know why he was so fat? They said that before every opera concert, he wouldn't go on unless he'd had fourteen large Big Mac meals (with full fat cola and BBQ sauce) delivered to his dressing room along with a six pack of Guinness. Once he'd washed his Big Mac meals down with the Guinness, he then had seven puddings. He'd mix it up every night. One night he'd have a big bowl of bread pudding, an apple crumble with custard, some spotted dick, a whole Viennetta, a whole Swiss roll, a whole Battenberg and a strawberry trifle! The next night he might just have seven bowls of spotted dick. He was a right greedy get, but he was happy. After his puddings, he'd have a big mug of tea, a double pack of custard creams and a split pot yoghurt. Only then, would he go on and sing Nessun Dorma to the posh nerds out front. Absolute legend.
They said that when he died in 2007, they couldn't find a coffin big enough, so they had to customise a wooden rowing boat and bury him in that. It's unbelievable. And instead of laying flowers and wreaths on the coffin, mourners were encouraged to leave things like American-style cheddar cheese slices, fried bread and pickled onions on it. Elton John apparently broke down in tears as he carried a Yorkshire leg of lamb down the aisle. Sheryl Crow said it was the saddest thing she'd ever seen.
Bono had to pick him up, but he was a nervous wreck himself because he'd volunteered to sing In My Life by The Beatles as a video montage of Pavarotti was played on a portable projection screen behind him whilst the coffin was lowered into the ground. The trouble was, the pall bearers weren't strong enough to lift the coffin with all of that food on top of it, so they had to go and find a forklift truck from somewhere. When they finally had one delivered to the church, the only person at the funeral with a fork lift truck training accreditation from the ITSSAR was Kevin Rowland out of Dexys Midnight Runners. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sounded like a right royal cock up.
(Now, watch how I do this...)
What doesn't sound like a right royal cock up is the latest EP by Ost & Kjex (pronounced Ost and Kurjecks). It's called Remixes From The End Of The World and let me tell you know, it's Grrrrrrrrilliant!
(I'm the best in the business)
There are three tracks, one called The Gallery, one called Dickie's Pix and the last one is called Mountain Girl. I've just had a proper read of the PR letter and this EP is a remix EP of their recent album, Songs From The End Of The World. Ahh, I get it now. Ok.
Ivan Smagghe's mate, Chloé Thévenin, remixes The Gallery. It's really cool. It's got one of them basslines that sounds like a buzzing bee and some whispery vocals that sound mysterious, but she could be singing about anything, to be honest. For all we know, it could be a song about making some sandwiches. It's a really, really cool song.
Avery Baker from EastEnders's (RIP) mate, The Maghreban, 44, is the remix maestro on the second track. It's called Dickie's Pix, and I don't know what this one is about, either. There is a vocal on it, but like The Gallery, it's whispered and has wishy washy effects on it that make it difficult to make out, which is disappointing, if truth be told.
The music is good, though. It's got a bassline that sounds like it got out the wrong side of the bed and a sample of Sir Patrick Moore playing the xylophone on GamesMaster. Another bit of it is good, too. It's them little stabby, breathy chord things. I think if you're listening to this on illegal high drugs, it'll make you feel like you're walking down some stone stairs to a dungeon, but in a good way.
Circo Loco's mate, Thomas Melchior, rounds things up with a STOMPING remix of Mountain Girl. This one will have you throwing your hands up in the air, whooping and demanding a rewind from whoever you hear playing it. In fact, the Hillingdon bin men outside have just been lobbing pebbles at my window and screaming at me to "play it again!" Did I oblige? Hell yes I obliged. Mountain Girl (Thomas Melchior Remix) has got the words "dancefloor melter" stamped all over it. It's a certified heater and a guaranteed 2024 Grammy award winner of the BOOMING BEAST award in the dance category. I feel sorry for the poor PA systems and Funktion-One speakers that are going to struggle with the ferocity this banger bomb is packing.
Let's get down, let's get down to business. Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is brilliant, so I can't give it any less than a 10/10. Congratulations!
Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is OUT NOW on Snick Snack Music.
Hmm. A lot of things to follow, there. If I had a gun to my head and had to recommend just one of them, I'd go with The Maghreban because he sometimes "Likes" things I Tweet about on Twitter.
Up next is an album I've been listening to a lot lately. It's called WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM, and it's a compilation of dance songs by Iranian women. I don't do much politics or serious stuff on here because it's always a bit embarrassing when thick people in dance music put their activism shades on and strut about social media giving it the big 'un.
One is reminded of Jarvis Cocker on Question Time. LOL. One is.
Anyway, I'm thick, but I read this last week and thought it was an interesting article, so I bought the album: bbc.co.uk/newsbeat
It's all been put together by Nesa Azadikhah and DJ Aida, who are making the point that the capers we take for granted in Great Britain (necking eight or nine pingers, sniffing charlie chalk, marching on the spot and gurning all night in a flashy nightclub) are actually considered illegal, indecent acts in Iran.
Some of the techno on WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM is hard and a bit mad, which I love, and some of it is moody, beatless chill-out room padding, which I can't be bothered with, but the album will hopefully raise awareness of the protest movements in Iran and get some money heading that way to help organisations that help women in Iran. Never let it be said that we at Best Promos don't support good causes. Please don't let that ever be said.
Yeah, man. I feel so, like, politically charged now, that I'm going to award this compilation a well-earned score of 10/10!! Right on!
WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM is OUT NOW on Apranik Records.
I'm going to chuck my political air horn in the bin now and shine a light on an event that, whilst nowhere near as important as an uprising in Iran is on a global scale, is probably, to a small group of well-to-do hippies and geriatric liberals in east London, quite a significant occasion in itself. Ransom Note drag their massive light-box and their even bigger website to The Social on Friday night where they'll be starting a new monthly party in the famous underground basement AND the bar upstairs on the ground floor.
I think I'm free that night, so I might go down for a beer and a little spy on what it's all like. I wonder what it'll be like?! I wonder if it'll be a 10/10 night?!?!?!
