Yesterday, I knocked up a 50 minute remix of that Ricardo Villalobos remix everyone keeps talking about, and let me tell you something: my version is 10 minutes BETTER than Ricky V's. My mother said so.
I used the original bassline, roped in Gazza and Hawk from Legion of Doom to lay down some vocals and added a bit of piano and extra hi-hats. Simples. People make out like making dance music is difficult. It's a piece of wee.
My version is good, isn't it? AND it's longer than the original remix, so it must be better. Mustn't it?
10/10 for me.
I have nothing more to add. I'll be back later in the week with some more dance music reviews, forthright opinions and some event previews, like every other dance music website in the world! LOL
I'm going to start today with a little bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen, because whenever I look at dance music social media, all of the DJs and producers I follow have got r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really big, expert and worldly opinions on what's going on in Parliament, so I thought I'd best jump on that train and prove that I can mix it with them. I read Private Eye every couple of weeks and I read the football section of The Guardian online for free every day, so I know what I'm talking about. Let's go.
Fatty Johnson was on the telly the other day. Did you see him? The big, fat, scruffy-haired birdbrain was sat on his massive arse waffling on about whether or not he'd got drunk at an office party or not in front of a room full of really boring looking politicians and lawyers. They were so boring, I turned around to watch the paint drying on the wall behind me when they started talking about acting within guidelines! LOL. Hang on a minute, that paint wasn't even wet! Politics is boring, isn't it, and it's not like anything what goes on in the news has got anything to do with you or me. Now, that Mr. Putin can do one, and all. If you ask me, we just need to strap up with a few nukes and wipe that cun...no, I'm going to stop with the political analysis now, I'm boring myself silly. Let's do some dance music reviews instead.
I love dance music. It's great.
Chez de Milo - So It Goes EP
I was having a chat with Wil at Ransom Note the other night about some beef, and when I came away from it (the chat about beef) I remembered that they (R$N) had a record label, and that it might be worth having a look at their Bandcamp for some dance music review inspo (inspiration).
At the top of the pile was this four-track release called So It Goes by a bloke called Chez de Milo (real name, Charles Miles). This is a brilliant EP, I'm just not sure about the artwork. It looks like a toddler who's CRAP at art did it. Maybe he was working to a tight deadline and was in a rush to submit it...I know what that's like, Chez! LOL.
The title track, So It Goes, sounds a little bit like Crayon Box by Virgo Four, so I'm naturally a big fan of it. I've played it so many times on my little Pioneer DDJ-SB3 that my arms have almost fallen off from punching the air because So It Goes is so good that I'm punching the air every time I hear it, and I've played it so many times that it feels as though my arms are about to fall off because of all the air punching. Do you know what I mean?
Durga Lesson is track two and it sees Charles, I mean, Chez in a playful and self-depreciating mood, muttering the word, "bugger", every now and again, laying bare his vulnerabilities for us all to bear witness to. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you're English you say the word, "bugger", when you make one, so this song endears me even more to him. Chez de Milo is relatable in a way that DJs like Roger Sanchez and Jon of the Pleased Wimmin can never be, and Durga Lesson is a lesson not only in Durga, but in humility.
With Sister Dex, Chez de Milo is using the clever juxtaposition of a feminine noun (Sister) married with the masculine name, Dex (Dexter). I interpret this track title as a subtle nod of support to the big trans debate that Best Promos is definitely not going to touch with a bargepole. To us, it's just a great song. If you're a DJ, whack it on at around 3.30am to transition (not in that way!) to a deeper, more weird and wonky, druggy section of your set. I also think this is the first ever dance music song to utilise a plastic comb as an instrument.
The last track, Wadham, is good, but it's more downbeat and introspective than the rest of the songs on this EP. No. Not introspective. I hate it when PR and reviewers use that word. Wadham is good, but it's a bit more downbeat and slower than the other songs. Maybe put this at the beginning of your set. Definitely don't play it at peak time. You'll get booed off.
All in all is all we are, and with that in mind, everyone here at Best Promos have agreed wholeheartedly that So It Goes deserves a WHOPPING 10/10! Well done, mate!
So It Goes EP by Chez de Milo is OUT NOW on Ransom Note Records
The champagne will be flowing in Bristol after that review, I'm tellin' ya.
What's next in my inbox? Last Magpie? Hmm. Photonz? Pfft. That Konx-om-Pax one is good, but I've not got the energy to go into depth on it today. It's not out until May either, so I'll review it properly nearer the time. I really need to get on some better promo lists. Dispersion always sends me good stuff, but I'm only seeing emails from them about once a fortnight - if that!
Hoooooooof. It's a wind down Friday, isn't it? Not sure if I can be bothered to even review anything else now. I'll do some Hilarious Lookalikes instead. Hilarious Lookalikes are quick to do, utterly brainless and they always cheer me up :-) :-) :-)
Hilarious Lookalikes!
Has anyone ever done an Ali G and Armand Van Helden one before? If they haven't, they should have done because it's a terrifically amusing idea! LOL
Pen-pushing, yet radical and rollicking Canadian dance scribe, Andrew Ryce, spends every second of every day writing clever clogs music reviews for the shadowy powers that be at Resident Advisor, but has he ever spent all day in a blind rage chasing Spaniards around a field before? Maybe he has...look at these two pictures! LOL
I was going to do one of Patsy Kensit and a cyborg, but I couldn't find a picture of her that categorically makes her look like a cyborg, but if you watch EastEnders religiously like I do, you'll know exactly what I mean.
For all of you out there sarcastically scratching your heads and going, "errr, what is Patsy Kensit doing on a Best Promos Hilarious Lookalikes section? Errr. She's not a DJ. Errrrr." Well, all true dance fans know that Patsy Kensit was once married to Jeremy Healy, and she therefore qualifies. So back off.
What a weirdly lazy post. Sorry. Best Promos is still the best dance music blog out there, though, isn't it, readers?
You know when you've had too much to drink and you have ideas that you think are brilliant, but in reality, these ideas, if acted on, can get your skull caved in by the bouncer you're planning on picking a fight with? Do you get me? Madcap and dangerous ideas usually come to you when you're about nine pints deep, don't they, ladies and gentlemen? Well, my stupidest ideas come when I'm stone cold sober.
Last month, I had the bright idea of UNFOLLOWING everyone on Twitter, deleting ALL of my Tweets and UNFOLLOWING everyone on Instagram - and deleting all of my IG posts. Not only that, I removed ALL of my few hundred Instagram followers thinking that it would make Best Promos look a bit mysterious and cooler than it actually is - like Burial.
I was stone cold sober.
Best Promos, last month
I called this method, Minimal Engagement Actuality Technology (M.E.A.T.), and I was hoping to integrate it into Chat-GPT and PowerShell as a new way of automating social media from a dance-based perspective. Through AI machine learning, M.E.A.T. would revolutionise the way dance bloggers manage the regular disappointments of blogging about dance music by leveraging a devil-may-care attitude to instant feedback and mindless engagement. By removing the Dance Music Sycophancy (DMS) module from social media engagement, I hoped to sit back and let M.E.A.T. take the wheel whilst I sip on an imaginary vodka martini and watch my cool-o-meter explode.
This has not happened. With regards to our ratings: they started badly, they got worse. I attribute all of the blame for this on M.E.A.T., so I have taken the executive decision to decommission this software and get back to basics. All posts will now be dictated to and hand-written by my busty secretary as a draft before being typed up on a word processer by my curvy P.A. After Pottsy has proof-read it, I will something something something. I'm losing my thread on this bit now. I can't tell if I'm being sexist, ironic or just not very funny.
What I'm trying to say is this: being aloof isn't working for us at Best Promos, so I'm going to go back to doing what I do best: top class dance music reviews and lying to the really cool people on social media about how great I think they are.
I love Scuba. Isn't he fab? When I used to write the daily blog for Hotflush, he would always stop by my desk on a Friday afternoon for a cuppa and a gossip. We'd put the world to rights, he'd ruffle my hair, tell me how pleased he was with the blog and I'd feel ten feet tall. I would have run through walls for Scuba between the years 2016 and 2018, I'll tell you that. Although I no longer write for Hotflush, I like to think that Scuba still thinks back to those 'us against the world' days when he's doing one of his DJ sets and smiles.
I was smiling when I listened to the upcoming release by Scuba; Space Park Remixes (this is why I'm the best blogger). It's released on the 25th March, but you can already buy it on Bandcamp as an exclusive. Not only is the music really good, the name of the compilation is, too. Space Park Remixes sounds futuristic and it's impressive when you're telling your pals on the playground what WAVs you've been buying recently. It's also got brilliant artwork by someone called Lando which, again, sounds good if you're telling someone about which artists you like. They'll probably not know who Lando is so you'll have the jump on them.
My favourite song on this compilation is Forgive Me (DJ Clea Remix), but I also love the Peter Ibbetson remix of Never Forget because it sounds a bit like Inspiration by Underground Resistance. All of the songs on Space Park Remixes are good, though, and don't just take my word for it: my new typist asked the average man on the street what he thought about it, too.
Did he like it? Hell yes he liked it.
When coming to judge this compilation by Scuba, I thought back to how barren my M.E.A.T. days were and wondered if it was worth scoring it any less than the ten out of ten it so fully deserves. I arrived at my conclusion with a smile: Space Park Remixes by Scuba is a solid gold 10/10 release and everyone here at Best Promos is right behind it.
Space Park Remixes by Scuba comes out on 25 March as a Bandcamp exclusi...no, sorry, it came out last year. Sorry. I've just double-checked the date and I was wrong. Forgive me. Sorry. Space Park Remixes came out on the 25 March 2022. Apologies. I thought it was this year. Sorry.
LOL. I hope I don't make any more mistakes like that. I feel like a right nelly!
Peter Polytunnel emailed me the other day to ask if I could tell my tens of readers about a new acid-themed release he's putting out on the Made Magnetic label. I remember talking highly on here about last year's Outer Earth on that label, so they must have thought I'd BIG UP their new record this time around...and they're not wrong! Best Promos is bigging this up. Large style.
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is four tracks of slimy Irish acid that smacks you right in the bollocks and leaves you hanging for more. Do you know what I mean? It's like eating Play-Doh and and washing it down with a massive bottle of spicy Fanta. Do you feel me? This is the kind of music they'd play in the wonky disco room at House of God or in the main room at an I Heart Acid night, and the beauty of these four songs is that you don't have to be three or four pills deep for them to make any sense. I've listened to them all during Lent, I haven't touched a drop of lager for almost a month, and I still enjoyed them!
I bet Posthuman has already played these out, actually. This is my favourite song on it:
Old skool flava with a dash of 2023 futuristic acid. Is it 3am at Bugged Out! or is it 10:52am in Eastcote? Who knows? When you're listening to All Acid Everything Vol. 1 it's dance o'clock any time of day or night - wherever you are and whatever the weather. Is it a cool release? Hell yes it's a cool release. Should you buy it? Hell yes you should buy it.
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is so good that when it comes to a score out of ten, I literally can't go lower than ten! It's a 10/10, guys! Cause for celebration, to be sure!!!
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is OUT NOW on Made Magnetic.
I'm all reviewed out now, so I'll just say a quick thank you to everyone at Jenny's Restaurant on Ruislip High Street for the excellent service and fabulous food yesterday lunch time. I've eaten mega mixed grills in many cafes and eateries across the world, but that one yesterday was the best. The comically excessive portion of chips was the icing on the cake. Thanks, guys. I'll be back.
I had two sausages, two rashers of bacon, a beef burger, some gammon, two onion rings, two fried eggs loads of chips and - in exchange for promising to mention them in today's post - some extra baked beans.
Jenny's Restaurant is on Ruislip High Street and it's OPEN NOW.
"Jenny's. Come on down and stuff your f*cking face."
My Lenten journey continues this week, brothers and sisters. It feels like an eternity since a drop of lager last passed my lips and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm missing the warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon you get when you're about nine pints deep. Mmm. Lager. I can't wait for Easter. I'm going to get absolutely terminated. Eastcote will be rocking.
So, as a substitute for getting paralytic, I've been watching a lot of UK road rage compilations on YouTube and thinking back to all of the different drugs I've tried in my life and how they've lifted my spirits on the dancefloor. Of a nightclub. If you're reading this and have never taken a drug before, you really should give it a go. They're great, they won't get you into trouble with the police or your family AND they're cheap! What's not to love?
Here's The Best Promos Guide to Drugs:
THE BEST PROMOS GUIDE TO DRUGS
Ecstasy E Tablets Price: £5 per pill Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Dance Drugs
Ecstasy E Tablets (or E, if you're using text speak) are little white tablets with funny faces and shapes stamped onto the top of them to appeal to the youngsters. All you need to do is swallow between a half and two tablets at a time with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on E as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
The only drawback on taking pills is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.
Squidgy black Price: £15 per ounce Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Spliff
Squidgy black is the most dangerous of all weed, so it's probably the best. I think I smoked it once, at my old neighbour's flat whilst we enjoyed an episode of Match of the Day together. I don't smoke fags or vape, so I don't really know if Squidgy black and spliff is that good, I'm not sure if I inhaled it properly, but I definitely had the famous munchies the following morning - I went down the greasy spoon and gobbled up a full English breakfast with chips and fried bread!
Glue Price: £2.95 for a pack of 3 on Amazon Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy glue from a dealer: Sticky Bizz (short for Sticky Business)
Sticky Bizz is the kind of drugs you do if you're a teenage boy on a council estate...and I should know, I was one (I'm not now)! Growing up on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands, was a baptism of fire for an artistically-minded and dandy ponce like yours truly. I literally had to hang around with working class kids and their working class families...can you even imagine?! Let me tell you: Ruislip it wasn't! LOL. I never actually sniffed glue, and I don't know anyone on the estate who did, but I bet some of them did sniff it. I don't know what it does to you, either. I think it probably gives you a buzz.
Aerosols Price: £14.99 for a pack of 14 on Amazon Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy aerosol from a dealer: The Tin Man
Everyone goes on in a r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really hilarious way about Lynx Africa every Christmas, but when I was a kid, just starting out on my druggy adventures, Lynx Oriental was the aerosol of choice to huff through our socks around the back of the local Labour Club on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands. Yes, tooting on aerosols, petrol cans and the grim dusting on Zippos was something we ALL* did on the estate and, if I may say so, it never did us any harm. Give it a go, kids. It gives you the dizzy giggles AND it makes you smells nice.
Cocaine Price: £50 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Charlie Chalk
If you're rich and posh or aspiring to be, this is the drug to go for. All of the Hollywood hunks snort it on set, all of the super models rub it into their gums before hitting the runway. Rod Stewart even sticks it up his jacksie when he's in the studio! It's the crème de la crème of powder and it's here to stay. When Best Promos starts hitting more than a hundred views per post, I'm going to treat the team here and celebrate with about twenty grams of Charlie Chalk down the Met Bar, and there's NOTHING you can do to stop me!
Ketamine Price: £40 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Balding's Choice
Ketamine is the weirdest drug on the market, or is it magic mushrooms? It's one or the other, trust me. When you've shoved a few lines of this stuff up your nose you can listen to music and move the components of the song around the room like they're those question mark blocks on Super Mario 3, which is a lorra lorra fun. The only down side of doing Ketamine is that you don't know who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are or when you are. Other than that, it's kickin'!
Lager Price: £6.95 per pint in London, £2.18 everywhere else in the UK Street slang to use when trying to impress the busty barmaid: Columbian Marching Juice
When Chris Morris claimed that alcohol's "not a drug, it's a drink", he was talking out of his ring piece. I'm sorry, but he was. It is a drug because Bill Hicks said it was on every single stand up routine he ever did, and he's American. Lager is the best drug on the market. It blurs your vision, slurs your speech, makes you think you can batter bouncers, dulls all of your senses and it's more expensive than ever, so you feel like you're really having a top notch, extravagant time. Bring it on!
M.D.M.A. Price: £60 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Man In The Mirror
M.D.M.A. (or Mandy, if you're using text speak) are little white crystals in a little see-through plastic bag. All you need to do swallow some of it with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on Man In The Mirror as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
The only drawback on eating M.D.M.A. is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.
How's about that then for a useful guide? Watch out, Talk To Frank! LOL. It only took me twelve minutes and two seconds for me to finish it, and all.
Whilst writing all of that I had the new Radio Slave song on in the background which, weirdly, comes in at exactly 12:02! It's a really good song, it's called Strobe Queen and it tells the story of Trevor Fenwick. Trevor is a young, closeted gay chap in the Bronx with big dreams. Struggling with his sexuality in a macho 1970s household in the projects, his only outlet is putting some red lipstick on, dressing up in women's clothes and going to Studio 54 to dance in a hanging fluffy cage whilst Grace Jones and Andy Warhol snort Charlie Chalk off the saddles of the horses on the dance floor below. Strobe Queen eloquently illustrates Trevor's feelings of acceptance, delirium, ecstasy and confusion in ways that words could never (illustrate). As the seductive and low slung piano lines gradually drag you further into the beat, Trevor drags himself further into drag and when you close your eyes around the 7 minute mark, you can actually see him voguing on the dancefloor next to Ru Paul and kissing with topless skinheads and married body-poppers. Blindly unaware of the havoc AIDS was about to wreak on the City That Never Sleeps, Trevor and his chums see out the remains of the song in a haze of warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Some might call that feeling love.
I don't. I call it warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Have a listen to it:
That was a really good post, even if doing a drugs guide is something Josh Baines at Thump would have done ten years ago. LOL. You've gotta love it!
I was going to write a section on heroin (aka chasing dragons), but I didn't want us to be responsible for someone getting into that kind of thing.
I'll be back next week with some more dance music reviews. If anyone has any better promo lists, please stick me on them. All I'm hearing on HYPE Filter at the moment is moody drum and bass, dark soundscapes and CRAP bass.
I'm going to ask Santa this year to get my email address on the promo list for Running Back.
LOL I can't stop laughing, readers, because it's that time of the month again where I make ALL of you laugh out loud with some hilarious lookalikes!! LOL. Arghhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
We do need a laugh, though, don't we gang? It's all a bit gloom and doom in the newspapers lately. Let's all move to Rwanda! LOL. That would give Dishy Rishi a shock! Can you imagine what he'd be like if we all just emigrated to Rwanda??? I can't imagine what he'd be like!!! It would be funny, though.
Hilarious lookalikes
Let's kick one off now. Tee hee!!!
Do you watch Succession? Do you watch the Short Circuit films? Do you like minimal techno? LOL. Well, have you ever noticed that the bloke out of Succession and the Short Circuit films looks a bit like Ricardo Villalobos?? Have a look:
Brilliant! Here's a good one, you'll like this...
Whilst there are definitely no other legal similarities between David Jason and the dirty DJ, Jimmy Savile, that I'm probably allowed to make on here, they do both have white hair in these pictures, so I think I'm within my legal rights to highlight that particular similarity. And do you know what, readers? I can't stop laughing at how they both have white hair!! LOL. No kidding!
I have to tell you, though, I read on Reddit that DavCONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and then he'd invite CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS over to CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS before getting his CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERSand he'd call them his "little plonkers."
It turns your stomach, doesn't it?
Hmm.
I feel a bit sick now.
I'm going to scrap the Hilarious Lookalikes bit and take a look at my inbox. There's a WAV in there from Will Hofbauer at Dispersion PR. It's a new song by Radio Slave about strobe lights, but Will says that I'm not allowed to play it publicly until Friday 10 March. I'll review that one next week then. It's good, though, I'll tell you that for nothing.
My M.E.A.T. policy is going well. I've managed to half the readership of Best Promos be whittling my engagement with social media down to it's bare bones. I think I thought I was going to be like Burial or something, but it's backfired. I'm going to carry on with M.E.A.T., though, because it's funnier that way and I don't depend on Best Promos or Twitter to pay the bills or put my caviar on the table. I'm alright. Hell yes, I'm alright.
I've not really been listening to any promos this week, so I've got nothing to review. The stuff that HYPE Filter has sent me is all CRAP, so I'm not going to bother with that. That Radio Slave one was good, so look out for a balanced review of that next week. I've mostly been listening to that DJ Holographic mix on Pool Suite - that's how trendy I am. Have a listen:
Man Power is playing at The Social soon, but I can't make that date, unfortunately, and I've given up booze for Lent, so I wouldn't have been much fun anyway. Like many Brits, I'm only fun with a few pints of lager inside me. Once Easter is out of the way, I'm back in the game.
This is more like a newsletter today, sorry. A very poor post. Go down The Social for this, though:
