Never Give Up

Never give up, readers.

I r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really thought I could live without blogging, but when I wavered and looked within my soul atop the highest skyscraper in Ruislip, and embraced my final moments as a human being before committing the illegal act of rooftop suicide, I realised why I was teetering there in the first place: no blog, no reason to live. Existing without Best Promos had depressed me to pieces...I had to die.

I'd not just given up on this blog, and the loyal, single-digit gang of readers who enjoy know about it; I'd given up on living and thought that the only way to end my sadness would be to take those cloudy escalators up to Heaven via a busy High Street, maximum disruption, attention-seeking and gorily distressing body smash during home time on the last day of school.

What a fool I have been. As I looked down on the children vaping below, I shook my head and cried. I then started laughing. After that, I cried for a bit more and clambered slowly down the Wimpy sign and fell to the pavement below, laughing and spitting.

"It's time to get back to work, Kev", I said to myself. "Yes, and don't let the bastards grind you down", whispered a brown-blazered year 10 girl as I limped towards my Eastcote mansion, crying.

COME ON!!!

It's fab to be back, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it really is. Now. I'm going to tell you all about a music tour by an up-and-coming young DJ. He's a smashing young man, he really is, with a lorra lorra talent, let me tell you. He's called The Secret DJ, but the only thing secret about him in my book is, err. I didn't think that sentence through properly, sorry. He's The Secret DJ, and his identity is the biggest secret in dance music since Speculoos Dance Squad were billed to play at The End in the 00s.

Nobody knows his name. Or her. Might be a her. Or a them. I don't know. I'm not sure if The Secret DJ has ever confirmed their gender, but I think it's a bloke with a massive beard, so I'll stick with "him".

That massive beard might be a prop, though, like the beard Jeremy Beadle used to wear to trick people into thinking he was a police officer...

...I've written about The Secret DJ's brilliant books before (Promos passim), but this is the first time I've whipped up a buzz around him DJing. It looks like a fluid kind of schedule because more dates are being arranged, but as Best Promos goes to press, this is where you can catch him (watch him) over the coming months on the Disunited Kingdom Tour:

Hmm. Hare and Hounds. My dad lives about 5 minutes from there. Maybe I should go up for that one with the missus. Hmm * chin stroking thinking face emoji *

Anyway, it looks like a terrifically wizard tour. Loads of fun venues and parties in that list...AND the music will be good. Have a listen to this:

It's good, isn't it?

I reckon The Secret DJ Disunited Kingdom Tour will definitely be a 10/10 job. Easy.

If you want to go and watch The Secret DJ, sort yourself out some tickets and go. Or if you've got a party you want him to play at, boink him on the bones below. He's a very nice man.

Follow The Secret DJ on Twitter, I mean, X, and on Instagram and on Facebook

Some of you will be surprised to find out that I don't just listen to old Tony De Vit mixtapes when I'm working on this blog, I listen to more contemporary stuff, too, like old Tiga and fabric CDs...LOL!

No, but seriously, I'm quite modern, ladies and gentlemen. I have a Bandcamp account. I do! Oi! Shut it (I said all that in a Frankie Howerd voice). I do, I have a Bandcamp account and this morning I actually signed into it and had a listen to some music. Let's have a listen together and score the following releases out of 10.

First up is an EP by something called Bless This Machine. Those in the know will know that Bless This Machine are an Edinburgh-based music collective (does that just mean they're a band who live in Edinburgh? Collective sounds cooler, probably) who make soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes. Well, I love soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes when I'm not listening to pumping hi-nrg, Ozzy Osbourne singles, minimal techno or Blur, so I am naturally inclined to love Bless This Machine.

They've got an EP out now called Cyclical Nature, and I've been playing it nonstop for the last sixteen minutes. It's a beauty! (I said that in a Bob Mortimer voice)

Cyclical Nature is a 4-track masterpiece that is 3-parts soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes and 1-part more beats-based dance music that I liked the most. Finer Point is ace. It's like a dancier version of Optigan 1 by Blur.



It's great, isn't it? If Phil Mitchell was stood over my naked, hogtied body with a lump hammer to my face, I'd definitely score this a 10/10

BUY IT NOW: Cyclical Nature EP

Follow Bless This Machine on Twitter and on Facebook

After listening to that EP, I had a listen to the new one by Richard Norris; Music For Healing - Equinox 8. This is what I wrote down on my notepad as Bandcamp whirred away in the background:

Despite having an extremely aggressive and violent sounding, Kray-era name, Richard Norris is not a 1970s secondary school bully or a 1960s Bethnal Green murderer, he is a this-era music producer in 2023. On his pictures, Richard Norris also looks like a hard, nasty, wasp-chewing bastard, but I don't think he's ever murdered anyone and I've heard that he's quite a nice bloke.

Richard - get in touch with Best Promos to confirm that you have never murdered anyone. Silence speaks volumes, so let's please clear this up. Thanks.

Music For Healing - Equinox 8 is the 8th edition of the monthly Equinox series. From what I can gather, he's knocking out a couple of r-r-r-r-r-really long mystical ambient songs on the first of every month this year. On Equinox 8 there are two 20-minute tracks called Lammas 1 and Lammas 2. They're both absolutely brilliant, but if you were to ask me which one is which on a blind listening test, I couldn't tell you. They sound almost exactly the same, so if you were a proper rubber-gloved tight arse, or Scottish, you could get away with only buying one of the tracks from this release, saving yourself a whopping...no, hang on, I've had a look and it's a fiver whether you buy the whole EP or just the one track, so you might as well get both of them. Which is no bad thing because, like I said before, they're absolutely brilliant! (I said that in a Paul Whitehouse Fast Show voice)

Now, let me think. I need to award Music For Healing - Equinox 8 a high score because I feel blissed out and chilled by the transcendental vibes, man. Yes. I'm giving it a WHOPPING 10/10 !

Well done, Richard Norris. Print this off and stick it on your fridge!

BUY IT HERE: Music For Healing - Equinox 8 | Richard Norris

Follow Richard Norris on Twitter and on Instagram

I think this is the first time anyone has ever done a bit about Richard Norris without mentioning The Gri...doh!

Right, I think I'm done for today. I'll see you next week for more dance shenanigans.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in today's #BestPromos, there are details of organisations that offer advice and support at https://BestPromos/actionline

DMY · DMY Mix 006 | Man Power