I think it's important to start a new post with a funny joke. It sets the mood and puts everyone at ease. In fact, I'm going to pepper this week's post with rib-ticklingly amusing wisecracks.
Hey. I've got some good news, readers!
I bought a new pair of trainers last week, a pair that I have bought many times over the years: a nice pair of blue Adidas Campus 80s (UK size 9.5), just like the ones Ad-Rock used to wear, and let me tell you, readers, I feel like a million dollars! Anyone who wears Nike, New Balance, Converse, Veja, Reebok or Puma and thinks that they look cool needs their heads testing. Adidas Campus are the best trainers, and if you disagree with me, come down to Eastcote and tell me to my face and we'll see what happens. Ok? I'll show off my new Adidas Campus to you and make you jealous. Bish bash bosh. Simples.
Phillip has left This Morning because he's had a MASSIVE falling out with Holly over him having drinks with a CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS, getting him drunk and then sticking his CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS where the sun don't shine! Very strange man. Apparently, after his pervert brother told him that he'd been interfering wiv da kids, Phillip just told him very nicely to not do it again! If I told one of my sisters that I'd been fiddling with a young 'un, she'd have my guts for garters...and rightly so.
I ask you!
Let me do another joke. It's getting a bit serious in here! Hang on.
I had a listen to an old David Mancuso mix the other day. I'm not saying he can't beat match, but he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot! LOL
It's the way I tell 'em.
Ch-Check It Out: I received a super cool Irish email from my Irish DJ chum, Tr One, last week. This isn't a joke, by the way.
He said he was "super proud" to announce that the next record on Intrinsic Rhythm will be by John Heckle, and it's going to be called, Return To Titan. He said that the track titles are, A, 7C, DSI and CII. I thought to myself, "they're really boring song names, but you should never judge a book by its cover."
I replied to ask if John's deft touch and skill will be matched by a remix by Michigan techno great Joey, I mean, John Beltran by providing a hypnotic club ready remix of A. Tr One replied immediately to say, "John's deft touch and skill will be matched by a remix by Michigan techno great John Beltran by providing a hypnotic club ready remix of A." Thank God for that!
If he hadn't have sent me a free promo copy of it, I would have definitely put my hand in my pocket and paid for it, and I'll tell you why: the team here at Best Promos have awarded it a r-r-r-r-r-r-really prestigious 10/10 !!
Great stuff. Return To Titan by John Heckle is out on Friday 9 June 2023 on the brilliant Intrinsic Rhythm
PRE-ORDER IT HERE: John Heckle - Return To Titan Follow Tr Oneon Instagram Follow Joey, I mean, John Beltram, I mean, Beltran. Sorry. Follow John Beltranon Instagram I don't know if John Heckle is on social media. I wish I wasn't.
Another release that is being rhythmically pumped hard into the air and all over our faces on the 9 June is Decius Trax EP I by DECIUS. I like DECIUS. I've never met them in real life, but I imagine that they're a right laugh. The most popular song they've done is that Look Like A Man one from last year, which I think was their cheeky response track to Dude (Looks Like A Lady) by Aerosmith.
I don't know what any of the songs on Decius Trax EP I sound like yet, but maybe this is one of them:
Sounds like a right bloody racket, doesn't it readers? I hope there'll be some kind of melody or tune on them when they get around to finishing it! This release is the first one on their new label, DECIUS TRAX : Rudis Impuris, and whether you like it or not, you won't be able to listen to it on Spotify. You'll have to save up your pocket money and pay for it like in the old days, or use Any Video Convertor to rip it from YouTube or Soundcloud, and with controversial track names like Just Can't Fuck It, Russian Salad and Felt Tip, you know it's going to annoy the neighbours and be well worth the £3.00.
I didn't know what Rudis Impuris meant, so I texted Boris Johnson to ask him, and he said, "Raw Impurity."
I didn't really. That was another one of my funny jokes! LOL
Decius Trax EP I is out on Friday 9 June 2023 and I bet I'm going to score it a 10/10 when I get around to hearing it.
Go and watch them live on Friday 9 June 2023, too.
Just like Fernando Pessoa, I'm writing LOADS of really interesting things that HARDLY ANYONE is reading. Chuckle chuckle. But, whereas EVERYONE started reading The Book of Disquiet after Fernando pegged it, I'm hoping EVERYONE will start reading Best Promos well before I boot my bucket through the gates of Heaven and become a corpse, or a ghost or something.
Maybe I'll become an angle, I mean, angel. That would be nice.
Anyway, Best Promos really is a great read, and quite a corking wheeze when you think about it.
Think about it.
See?
It's great!
Where else can you learn about cool literary figures like Fernando Pessoa and read about enormous goofballs like Peter Ebdon singing a song about clowns (see further down) on a UK dance blog? Mixmag won't touch Peter Ebdon. VICE are skint (that's a shame). Boiler Room are too thick to know who Fernando Pessoa is, and don't talk to me about Ran$om Note. They probably think that Fernando Pessoa and Peter Ebdon are a tropical disco double act from Valencia via Stokey, and they'll try and put them on at The Social. Do me a favour!
Throwback Thursday
Can you imagine Peter Ebdon singing I Am A Clown at The Social?! If Wil at the Ran$om Note has his way, that's what will happen. And when they realise that Fernando Pessoa is dead, they'll just rope in Ally McTropical to provide the beats for Peter.
It'll be a disaster, so continue to read Best Promos, for the good of the UK/London-centric underground dance scene if nothing else.
Right, let's listen to some tunes and score them out of ten. Enno! I'm hungry, fetch me a Burrito!!
I remember when putting "2000" at the end of stuff was a signifier of something futuristic. Now, because of that bloke out of Outkast, everyone is doing "3000". There's a club in Rayners Lane called Club 2000, but I don't think that's got anything to do with the song RAVEBOT 3000 on this new release by DJ Burrito.
Doomsday Ravebot is out tomorrow on Fortune Signal, and it's a release I can really throw my weight behind.
I'm just over 11st.
There's a lot of music around at the moment like the stuff on Doomsday Ravebot. Mental sounding rave-type stompers that are designed to make you point in the air and laugh at your mates on the dancefloor when you're about 3 pills deep. The good looking, model type women will be blowing pouty kisses at everyone, do you know what I mean? It's top tier party music for people who can't party to the party music your grandparents used to party to, like Black Lace.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that Doomsday Ravebot is the Crazy Party! for the Gerd Janson generation.
Crazy Party! by Black Lace
My favourite track on this DJ Burrito EP is the first one, Doomsday! I really think you should go out and buy it.
So, with all of that in mind, I'm going to award this EP an "affirmative" 3000/10 !! LOL. Only joking, it's a 10/10 from all of us here at BP.
"n_o, formerly known as bad internet, drops new alias and label with two timeless acid tracks."
Not my words, Carol, the words of Will Hofbauer at Top Gear Magazine, I mean, Dispersion PR. Yes, straight from the mean streets of Belgium, n_o is BACK with a new EP on the gloriously named record label, Manual Smiles. I like it.
It's called Recollecting My Protons. When I first read that, I thought it said, Recollecting My Pronouns, and I'm ashamed to say I groaned. I thought it was going to be a loony left woke brigade lecture on stuff I was going to have to pretend to understand on here, but thankfully, it's just a couple of tracks of fast-paced, brainless, top tier club acid that I bet Posthuman already knew about in January.
Is n_o posing on kid's play equipment or a Belgian fairground?
n_o often likes my stuff on Instagram, so I was well inclined to enjoy this EP from the off, but I'm not going to award it a 10/10 just because he bumps up my social media content, I'm going to award it a 10/10 because Recollecting my Protons has got me tapping my feet, nodding my head and scowling in a really serious way to the music on it. You know that face you pull when you're about 5 pills deep and the music is getting weirder and deeper?
Recollecting my Protons by n_o is OUT NOW on Manual Smiles.
Hang on a minute, is n_o the Enno who fetched me a burrito earlier??? Small world.
WWF mega fan, Daniel Avery, has got some music out, which is fab, but what's even more fab is that he emailed me this week and referred to himself in the third person!
Love it. "George is getting upset!"
I think More Truth is a collection of songs he couldn't fit on Ultra Truth last year. I don't think they're bloopers.
No, I've just finished reading the description. They're B-sides and bonus tracks. This one is my favourite:
They're all good songs on it, though, as you'd expect; woozy, moody, hazy, top tier electronica that when you're about 9 pills deep at the afterparty will make even more sense, and it's created by someone who looks dead grumpy, but I bet is actually a right laugh to have a beer with. It's all a whirl of crazy contradictions! LOL
I've not bought More Truth yet, but I have added it to my Wishlist on Bandcamp for when payday comes around, and if I had a gun to my head, I'd award More Truth by Daniel Avery an ultra truthful 10/10
I think I'm done now, I can't take any more of this dance music. I'm going to listen to some nice, easy listening to see me through the rest of today...
The other day, Saturday, I got on the tube and went to London so that I could scream obscenities at innocent tourists and red-faced "God Save The King" men in Union Jack suits with plastic bowler hats on their heads. Yes, I joined the Republic protest at Trafalgar Square!
Best Promos, looking for the protest
I didn't intend to go down, and I don't normally do that kind of thing, but when I turned the telly on that morning and saw King Charles III putting on a gold overcoat, my blood started to boil. This country is skint, and anyone who thinks that a good pick-me-up for England is seeing that dirty, jug-eared, sausage-fingered GET have a £4 billion helmet squeezed onto his head by the Archbishop of Banterbury is living in cloud-cuckoo land, or they're a deeply committed weirdo lacking in self-esteem. One or the other.
So, instead of sending loads of sarcastic memes and Tweets during the coronation on Saturday (like everyone else in dance was), I got off my bottom and had a protest in REAL LIFE with the Republic gang. On the way, I worried that they were all going to be those annoying New Age Travellers, and I'd feel a bit out of place as a trendy Wendy Eastcote hipster, but when I eventually found the yellow Republic gang, I was pleasantly surprised to find that only about 95% of them were New Age Travellers! Result.
Weirdly, not all protesters are New Age Travellers
I enjoyed protesting against the coronation of King Charles, and I'd recommend joining in to anyone with a brain/heart/soul, but it was a bit like being at a West Brom game: a lot of collective anger, loads of shouting and swearing, some funny songs about sticking things up your arse and a cold sense of downright pointlessness at the end.
I joined in the booing of the Red Arrows, whilst at the same time feeling incredibly lucky to be stood in Trafalgar Square as they flew over my head. I don't know what that says about me.
I wonder what it'll be like during the next coronation. It can't be that far away now, surely?
Hey - don't call me Shirley! LOL
Right, let's talk about dance music. It's boring, all that royal stuff, isn't it, readers?
One thing I noticed whilst writing last week's post, was that one of the blokes out of X-Press 2 looks a bit like the Irish copper on Line of Duty! Look:
That was one of our famous Hilarious Lookalikes! The team here at Best Promos are always on the lookout for more Hilarious Lookalikes, so if you think of any, please send them in so that we can pass them off as our own. Thanks.
Someone at The Spectator drew a picture of Daniel Avery that made him look a bit like The Texas Tornado, who in turn looks a bit like The Ultimate Warrior. I'm not sure if that counts as a Hilarious Lookalike, but I'll include it anyway, it's all content.
Notice that I've chosen to border the pictures of Daniel Avery and The Texas Tornado with the colours white and black. It's to symbolise life and death.
Daniel Avery is alive. The Texas Tornado is dead.
No, sorry, it's the New Statesman, not The Spectator. They look and sound the same, though, don't they?! I should do a Hilarious Lookalike on them! LOL
Pffft. Bit aimless this week, isn't it? I'll plug the new Yoshi Nori mix for Jin on Soundcloud. I've been enjoying that a lot AND it makes me sound cool.
It's a 10/10 mix. I love it, especially that Red Axes track. Other than that, I've not listened to much else, dance wise. I'm going to log off, I think.
I can't believe how near we are to the coronation of King Charles III, or Bonnie King Charlie as I like to call him! Charles has waited his entire life for this moment, and I think it's a real shame that you get loonies from the looney bin turning up at his house and lobbing shotgun cartridges and Tampax over his fence. What are they trying to achieve, exactly? You tell me. I'm absolutely stumped. And furious.
If it was up to me, I'd get the army in to round up all of the loonies in Britain ASAP (as soon as possible) and chuck them all in a massive Scottish loony bin, just until the coronation has finished and King Charles is happy. We managed to get the homeless into hotels during Covid and we put a man on the moon in the days when an iPod was the stuff of a loony's dreams, so we can clear the path for a safe and peaceful coronation this weekend, surely.
Hey - don't call me Shirley! LOL
Rant over. Richard Littlejohn and the bubble-haired bloke off of Top Gear, there's a new straight-talking man of the people in town! Me.
Speaking of me, who do you think would WIN in a fight?
King Charles III or me?
Find out on Saturday night when I'm going to FIGHT him outside Geo Bar on Eastcote High Street (Field End Road). I'm going to absolutely batter him, ladies and gentlemen.
How and why?
Well, check out the stats and the stats will then start speaking for themselves:
As you can see, I'd splatter him into the middle of next week, so I don't think he'll even turn up. If he doesn't, I'll simply pick a fight on someone else! Simples.
Sorry, Charles, but you're going down like Gillian Taylforth on the A1!
This next subject is one that's close to my heart, and I write this out of nothing but love and respect. What I am about to say may dismay some people, and you might think I'm a loony for saying it, but I truly, truly believe that it's about time that Surgeon got a hair cut. It is. I'm sorry.
I was reading that interview he did with Music Radar - well, I didn't understand half of what they were going on about, but there are some good pictures on it - and all I could think about was that he needs to sort his hair out. It's like a bloody bird's nest. When I used to live in Walsall, I'd go and get my hair cut at a place called Boo in Birmingham, underneath the McDonald's on the New Street ramp, but I think it's closed now, but there is at least one Toni & Guy in the city centre. He can afford it.
Tony, if you're reading this, you can afford it. Get down Toni & Guy and have a short, back and sides. Maybe a skin fade and a French crop. I guarantee you'll feel like a million pounds afterwards.
Readers, let me know if you agree. Should Surgeon smarten himself up or does the shabby chic look get you going? Write in to BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com or Tweet me on @BestPromos4Eva and we can share style ideas and recommend a way forward for Surgeon's hairdo.
I hope he doesn't take that bit personally. I love Surgeon.
What else? Let's check me notes.
- EastEnders last year/Platty Jubes - QUEEN Camilla's weird voice when engaging with residents on the Square.
- Scuba's record is STILL in the shops. No. Sorry. It's out of stock now. I've got a copy, though, and that's all that matters.
There seems to be a battle of the edits going on there between Man Power and Bleaching Agent. Edits are always fun when you hear them in the club because they sound familiar to you, but they've got a dancier dance beat. I love them. Edits are like mash ups, but for cool people, so if you're cool, you should definitely follow the links I put up above for the latest edits from two of the biggest Edit Kings in the world. 10/10s all round!
Dispersion PR have sent me some new music, which is really nice of them. The first one is by those wicked and lazy funsters, X-Press 2. In a controversial move, they've fired the bloke from Talking Heads and went back in time to 1992 to sign with early 90s record label, Acid Jazz. Next you'll be telling me they're supporting Jamiroquai on their Emergency On Planet Earth UK tour!!! LOL
The PR people say that You Know (Everybody) has a carnival-like sense of energy, but I'd describe it more like being at an England friendly game against Gibraltar with the Barmy Army drummer sat directly behind you. You're trying to concentrate on the game, but the loony on your back, and the screaming kids in the crowd are causing massive GBH of the earholes and brain. It's a right bloody racket!
Saying that, the more I listen to it, the more it makes sense, and I really like it now. I like it so much that I'm going to award it a raw and raucous 10/10 !
Radio Slave has got a new song out today, and all. It's called Wake Up, and I thought it was going to be a 2023 dance remix of the old Arcade Fire song, but it's not. It's got some vocals on it by an American man, but I haven't got a clue what he's going on about. It's like someone is reading that Surgeon interview over the top of a Todd Terje-type disco drum loop thing - in a good way.
Alright, mate. It's Kev here, from Best Promos. You ok?
Yes, I'm alright ta. Same old, same old. Glad it's the weekend now!
Me too, mate! Got anything nice planned?
I'm bloody working this weekend, Kev. I've got to fly to Germany. I'm doing a DJ set at the Westhafen Klub in RB Leipzig. Do you fancy coming?
I can't, mate, sorry. I'm watching King Charles III get crowned and then I'm having a fight with him in Ruislip later on. Sorry!
No problem, mate. Anyway. What can I do for you?
Yeah, I was just listening to your fantastic new song, Wake Up, and I was wondering what inspired you to make it?
The latest in a series, my new single is a kaleidoscopic, back to the future, dub disco song about signing music in the music industry and I guess sometimes we all need to “wake up”.
What about the artwork? What has a plastic dolphin bin got to do with it?
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
I know, but why?
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
But why a dolphin?
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
Wouldn't a disco ball or an old photo of Andy Warhol and Grace Jones illustrate it better??
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
I'm off, mate. You're talking rubbish.
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
Goodbye.
I’ve tried to illustrate this with the photo of a plastic dolphin trash can.
- click -
What a loony!
Wake Up is a r-r-r-r-really nice song, though, and it gets a MASSIVE 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.
I was going to write something about the new Passarella Death Squad album, What We Are, You Shall Be, but I'm all wrote out. It's a good one, though, and I'll review it properly next week. I wrote on my PR feedback that it's, "Spooky music for the Amor Fati generation", and I stand by that.
Until then, I hope you have a brilliant and patriotic weekend, wherever you are, and I hope Surgeon gets down Toni & Guy (or any local barber, to be honest) and freshens up his look for the spring and summer season.
