(Please read all of this in a Brian Blessed voice)
HO HO HO! Merry Christmas, everyone! Jolly old Saint Nick here, Santa Claus. I've slithered down the Best Promos HQ chimney early to deliver the editor his presents before the weekend. Viewing figures for blog posts at the weekend are notoriously low, even for sites like Resident Advisor and Ran$om Note, so Rudolph and I have whipped our elves into knocking up a few Hilarious Lookalikes to keep the Best Promos content container topped up before the Christmas Holidays.
Remember, if you don't enjoy today's post, it's not the fault of Best Promos, it's the elves in Lapland, or the North Pole, who created it. Blame them.
HO HO HO!
Have you ever seen Dave Gahan in the same scene as Nasty Nick in EastEnders? No? Neither have we! I wonder if it's because they're the same person?! HO HO HO!
HO! HO! HO! I say, I say, I say, every morning in December I seem to be finding DJ Allister Whitehead in different places around my house. One morning, he's sat on the kitchen work surface surrounded by sugar and chocolate buttons, the next he's hanging from the fairy lights on the Christmas tree, but I'm told that if I touch him, the magic will wear off and he won't come back the following day! HO HO HO!!!!
HO HO HO! I've always thought that Andrew Weatherall looks a bit like Santa Claus in this picture, especially if you drink ten pints of Kronenbourg 1664, take off your glasses and squint. HO HO HO!!!
HO HO HO!!! This is a bad one, sorry. Remember to blame the elves, NOT Best Promos...HOOOOO HOOOOO HOOOOO!
HO HO HO! That last Hilarious Lookalike was so awful, that it's knocked the collective confidence of all of my elves, so I'll finish the post for them with a couple of jokes I've found on the Google website. HO HO HO!!!
I say, I say, I say, what do you call a DJ without a girlfriend at Christmas?
Homeless at Christmas! HO HO HO!!!
No, I don't get that one either. HO HO HO!!! Why is the DJ from India very popular at Christmas? Because heCONTENT REMOVED BY THE BEST PROMOS TASTE AND DECENCY LEGAL TEAM
HO HO HO! I can hear the editor of Best Promos stirring from his slumber, so I'd better crawl back up the chimney and get myself ready for Saturday night...that's Christmas Eve, don't you know! HO HO HO!!! Hmm, I've just found this Excel spreadsheet printed off on the floor. I'll just stick it back up on the mantlepiece.
Don't forget to be good, readers. I'll be watching you all sleep. HO HO HO!! Away Rudolph, away Blitzen, away the others! HO HO HO...MERRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
It's that time of the month for Best Promos, ladies and gentle...no, not that type of time of the month, silly! It's the time of the month where I dress up as Michael Parkinson and sit down with a member of the dance music community to talk about their life, their desires and their favourite things.
This week is a very special interview with a very special man. Man2.0 is on the up and up. He's a DJ, a producer, a radio disc jokey and an evil mass murderer who targets vulnerable OAPs.........
...LOL, only joshing with ya! The only thing Man2.0 murders is a dancefloor (in a good way).
For the interrogation, I reserved a candlelit table for two at J.J. Moon's Wetherspoon's in Ruislip Manor, by the window. J.J. Moon's is well known for it's famous clientele. As well as Man2.0 and the editor of Best Promos, the other celebrity regular is The Wealdstone Raider. As Man2.0 and I put the world to rights, The Wealdstone Raider sat a couple of tables away, nursing a massive pint of lager on his own. I thought about inviting him over to join us, but I didn't want any trouble; he can be a right nasty cat after a few massive lagers.
As hundreds of middle-aged alcoholics wheezed loudly about "the illegals" and "the scum nurses", I shut the world out and gazed into Man2.0's big, gorgeous, colourful eyes. The interview began...
Q. What's your name, where do you come from and what do you do?
A. Good Afternoon Big Promos! I hope you are well! My name is Mark and I sometimes make music and DJ as MAN2.0. I am an occasional presenter on a late-night radio show on Voices Radio which is called Embryonic Soundwave.
Q. Are you looking forward to Christmas? What is Christmas and New Year looking like for you? Talk us through your Christmas Day. A. Christmas is going to be an interesting time. There has been a lot of change this year, so it might be a little complicated, but generally I do love a bit of Christmas. I like to cook, and there are people in the house who like to eat food, so there's a bit of a symbiotic relationship there. Generally, I'll be woken up by Boy2.0 and Boy2.1 in the hours between 3am and 10am. Presents generally get opened around 9am, and I will play roughly a 3-5 hour set of euphoric Trance, Fleetwood Mac, New Beat, Christmas Carols and about 50% of my own tracks. I am toying with the idea of live streaming this year's festivities. ("Oh! Please do", I replied.)
After that, I'll cook up food while the boys are playing with presents, mainly cheap synths that I have bought with the intention of not letting them use come Boxing Day.
Q. What is the best Christmas present you've ever had? Mine was a Super Nintendo in 1992. Tell us about your favourite ever Christmas. A. Usually I get socks, which are really good, because you can never have too many socks, right?
Q. Who is your best friend in dance music?
A. Neil / Tronik Youth was one of the first people to sign my tracks and put stuff out, we've maintained a good relationship over the years and played together quite a few times. His missus recently cooked us both a very nice veggie curry which taught me where I am going wrong in my own curry making process.
I'm also very close with Jordan / Black Light Smoke, which is strange because having become quite close pen pals over lockdown, I went to see him once at Fabric for a Superfreq night years ago, and I was a bit of a fanboy. There are a few other honourable mentions: Brad and Pete who occasionally run Det Sync records are lovely lads. ("Ahem, cough cough, aren't you forgetting someone, Man2.0?", I flustered.)
Q. If you could sit down with Father Christmas for half an hour, what would you ask him? What would you talk about? A. There would be a lot of chat about logistics and his fave biscuits. I'd probably ask him to choose a current favourite track, an all-time favourite track and one of his own. Did he get into Berghains when he was in Berlin? That sort of thing.
Q. You are offered £500,000 to DJ at the wedding of David Walliams and Janine Butcher off of EastEnders. You are asked to sign a confidentiality agreement and non-disclosure contract because, and you are told this at the time, there will be some activities going on at the wedding reception which would cause irreparable damage to the reputation of David and Janine, and would almost certainly bring unwanted digging by the police. Although you are not allowed to disclose the goings on at the reception, your appearance as DJ is heavily publicised by David and Janine on social media. All artistic credibility you have built up over the years will vanish immediately and you will be a laughing stock amongst your cool friends, but you will have half a million in the bank. Do you accept the job? A. Strangely, I have already been offered this job BUT I couldn't in all good conscience take it since I once DJ'd at the wedding of John Leslie and Julie Goodyear in Ibiza in 1988. (I was literally 8 years old at the time. and the marriage didn't last long, as Julie Goodyear dumped him for Justin Fashanu.) It was very well paid but the fallout in the years following considerably damaged my reputation as a superstar DJ and while the likes of Sasha and Paul Oakenfold went on to become the dominant stars of the electronic music scene, I had to go on to a GNVQ in media studies while being hounded by the press and having my name tainted on Myspace and Bebo.
Q. What's your favourite colour and why? A. Tough question, I like black because it's the colour you have to wear to get into Berghains, but I'm also a bit of a sucker for red as well, although I'm not really sure why. ("You'd look so, so fab in red", I grovelled.)
* * * DECIUS at Snap Crackle & Pop - Friday 20 January 2023 -TICKETS HERE * * *
Q. Aside from work, do you go clubbing much? If so, where to, etc.? A. I've not been out nearly as much as I'd have liked to have done in the last few years but I used to go pretty regularly to Snap Crackle & Pop because Harry who runs it is a lovely lad. I spent most of my 20s at The End and Fabric, but don't want to sound too much like a burnout.
Q. How do you sit down and write a song? Do you start off with the drums or the bass line or the melody or what? A. The start of a track usually starts with me listening to another track and trying to remake that track but it will usually start with a hook or a sample of some kind and warp it to the point where I can't be sued and then build something around that. The process changes depending on whether I have a new bit of software or a new cheap synth that I have stolen from my children.
Q. Best Promos is so successful and lucrative, with loads of advertising money and sponsorship coming in, that it is now my day job. I can provide for my family through Best Promos...and then some! I only continue to work in IT as an Infrastructure Design Analyst for a local government, blue-light organisation as a bit of a fun hobby. For a laugh. Is dance music your proper job or do you subsidise it with proper work? A. Real talk, Music has always been a wee bit like therapy for me. I've never considered it a full-time career but more a hobby and eventually a side hustle, I would do it full time but it would need to fit around my life as a full time carer for a severely autistic lad. It is my lad, I haven't stolen him from anywhere just in case anyone was thinking that.
Q. You have incredibly strong ties to Eastcote and Ruislip. What is it about the place that it seems to continually produce so many great artists and writers? A. I think the travel links help! It has always been easy for artists who live in Ruislip to link up with folks in Ruislip Manor for example. Those links help people feed off of each other's creativity. I think the mystery of what goes on in Northolt Airfield captures a lot of people's imaginations and one walk up Eastcote High Street, you can just feel the energy, the history. ("Amen to that!", I hollered.)
Q. Have you got decks at home, and a home studio thing? Can you tell the nerds and the geeks who read this all about your tech stuff, please? A. Because of a complicated household, I don't really have a conventional set up. I have a very basic DJ controller that I put mixes together on, I have a few synths - the most expensive one I have is an Arturia Microfreak, I have a keystep, a Korg Volca Modular, an Alesis SR-15, a Korg Monotron Delay and Abelton Live 11 with an assortment of free VSTs which generally see me through the production process.
Q. Your new EP on Death Decay Magic is brilliant. Why is it so brilliant and what is the story behind this brilliant release? A. A lot of it was stuff I made during the second lockdown, with Heathers, I'd not long watched the theatre adaptation of the 80s movie Heathers (I know, posh right?!), and I had been told I'd never made a proper house record by an anonymous Soundcloud user, so I had a crack at that. I'm not sure how housey it actually is but it does have a breathy sample in it of someone saying something which sounds like "heathers", although I think it actually says "Heaven". The others are the result of finding a new bit of software or a new synth which I had stolen from my children and fed the noises into the computer.
Q. What's your favourite ever club night, your favourite ever DJ and your favourite ever producer? A. The bestest ever club night over the years has been Bugged Out!. It's always been off the wall and always had my favourite DJs playing my fave producers there. Over the years, folks like Erol Alkan and Justin Robertson have provided great soundtracks to nights out but currently, I'd say May McLaren and Ambient Babestation Meltdown are two I listen out for. Difficult not to get excited about David Vunk, too.
My fave producer varies day to day, It could be Brian Eno, Richard Fearless, Rex the Dog, DC Salas... I'm really going through a bit of a phase with Mani Festo and Borai and their little twist on that '91 sound. Basically I'll just name everyone so that nobody gets offended.
Elton John on his piano
Q. The Shakin' Stevens one or Elton John one?
A. I'm glad you asked that question, because the answer is the Elton John one: that bassline tho'. That kick drum tho'. It has a breakdown. It's essentially a techno record. People often say that the 'innovators' (my sarcastic scare quotes) were inspired by Kraftwerk and Electro, but when I went to Kevin Saunderson's house to help him set up his first email account (BigFun69@hotmail.usa.uk) I saw a test pressing of 'Now That's What I Call Christmas: Volume One'.
Elton John. All day, every day. ("No, it's the Shakin' Stevens one", I muttered under my breath.)
Q. Best Promos has a weekly global reach of almost 100 people, per week. What upcoming music or events would you like to plug on here, to almost 100 people?
A. Heathers on Death Decay Magic is out now, digitally, or for those that prefer something physical and tangible in a throwaway age, I have a vinyl EP out at the moment called Music is My Drug on Next Door Records. I'd also like to let people know I'm available to play parties because I'm not officially booked to play anywhere between now and June 2023, so if you'd like to see me at your party, slide into my DMs (Direct Messages, not Doc Martens!).
Buy the 10/10 rated Music Is Our Drug EP by following this link here, now: Music Is Our Drug -------------------------------------------------------------
What a nice man! Please join me in wishing Man2.0 the very best of wishes for Christmas, the New Year and all of the following year to come. I'll be following his career closely from now on and cheering it on like a hunky, American cheerleader.
Next week, I'll be telling you why I'm only going to be playing songs off of the new Mainframe EP by the shadowy, shady, shit-smashing super DJ: MPX, at my exclusive NYE bash at Best Promos HQ in Eastcote.
Mainframe got a WHOPPING 10/10 when I discussed it in private with The Wealdstone Raider. It's OUT NOW on APE-X and I'm tellin' ya now, it's Grrrrrrrrrrilliant!
I was all set to jack this blog in last week. It all felt so futile and pointless...and futile. I was about to press the big red 'DELETE BLOG' button on the blogger site when I had a wake up and smell the tea moment and shook myself out of it. I said, "come on, mate, get back on the horse. Not heroin, an actual horse. Not an actual horse, a metaphorical horse and ride it back to glory, not to actual glory, a metaphorical glory, no not metaphorical, an actual one, sorry." My stirring words to myself stirred me up to log back in and grind out some more of THIS for NO reason.
Thank you.
It's now Christmastime, which is lovely, because we all get to enjoy the old Christmas songs again, don't we ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls? Christmas songs is all I have at the moment, too, because I've not been sent anything decent to listen to on the dance music front for ages. Who took over Melissa Maouris' clients? Her PR portal used to be fucki..ooh, almost swore then! Melissa Maouris' promos used to be flipping brilliant, but I don't know who took on her artists after she jacked in PR for the spiritual yoga stuff. For Best Promos to survive long term, we need to get on some more promo lists. I'll work on that in the new year, it's all a bit of a wind down now...let's look at some Christmas songs, and I'll do a proper feature on the BRILLIANT new Man2.0 release next week.
So, let's get stuck into...
THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONGS EVER!
NUMBER 1
Another Rock and Roll Christmas by Gary Glitter
Rock n Roll bad boy, Gary Glitter, released Another Rock and Roll Christmas a full 13 years before he became a notorious celebrity paedophile, so it's ok to like it, I think? Correct me if I'm wrong.
Another Rock and Roll Christmas was taken from the critically acclaimed and multi Grammy award nominated LP, Boys Will Be Boys, which is celebrated for it's rousing music and spine-chilling cover; depicting the larger-than-life, child-abusing mega-villain, Gary Glitter, as the larger-than-life, child-abusing mega-villain, Freddy Kruger; a full 8 months before A Nightmare On Elm Street was released.
Boys Will Be Boys was released on 10 March 1984
A Nightmare on Elm Street was released on 9 November 1984
YOU DO THE MATH!
Another Rock and Roll Christmas is simply a wonderful Christmas song. Give it a go. The church bells at the beginning literally make your cheeks glow and it puts you in the mood for Gary's singing. Before he comes in, though, Gary's backing singers start shouting the word, "Christmas!" again and again and again. After that it's just minute after minute after minute of the kind of good old fashioned rock n roll pop that you don't get in the charts these days. It's all "bling" this and "chav" that in 2022. Music was much, much better when I was young. This cheery, upbeat tune by GG gets a SOLID 10/10 from everyone here in Eastcote.
NUMBER 2
Sleigh Ride by S Club Juniors
Back when it was illegal to say you fancied Frankie out of The Saturdays, S Club Juniors melted our snowy, wholesome hearts with this incredible rendition of the TLC smash hit Christmas song, Sleigh Ride, in 2002; a full 3 years before you could legally say you fancied Frankie. Hmm. Not sure I like the way this post is going today, it's a bit creepy. Sorry everyone. Maybe I should talk about the upcoming Man2.0 release instead. Lighten things up a bit.
My dance music celebrity chum, Man2.0, has got a Christmas EP coming out in time for Christmas on Thursday 22 December (Christmastime) 2022. It's called Heathers, and let me tell you now, folks, it's got everyone here at Best Promos HQ a jingling and a belling. Ho ho ho. There are three original tracks on it plus a couple of remixes, and all of them are really, really, r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really good.
The first song is called Heathers, and I reckon Perc would play this, but pitched up to +9 or something. It's got a non-stop beat, loads of bass and toms, and some weird bleeping noises every now and again. No idea what it's got to do with Christmas, but I'm not in charge.
After Heathers, it's a song called Blam Blam. This song would sound great in the middle of a Posthuman set (or whoever else plays acid music these days) because it's got bits of acid scattered all over it like seeds in Worzel Gummidge's field on a nice summer's day. For a bit of fun, I took acid before listening to Blam Blam, waited for the acid to kick in and then pressed play on my MP3 player. Before I knew it, I was seeing Worzel Gummidge everywhere, and he was scattering seeds all over my living room! It might sound like something out of a horror film, but having Worzel Gummidge's laughing face pulsating through my walls, wherever I looked, was actually quite funny. He was even in the shower when I unsuccessfully tried to scrub and clean the acid out of me, bless him. He couldn't stop laughing at me.
Software Cracked is the next song on the EP and I can see why he's called it that. It sounds like he made this on crack! LOL. It's a right weird racket. I played it to my in-laws over the phone and they said it was a load of rubbish. I disagree with them, but it's all a bit demented. There's no melody, no proper singing on it. It's the kind of thing you could play at 5.45am in the club and then watch everyone start to march on the spot very seriously, pulling faces that you didn't think anyone could ever really pull in real life. Pouting like mad, smacking their lips and rolling their eyes up a lot. It's obvious what demographic this song is aimed at.
The two remixes by Fear-E and Black Light Smoke are both...ssssmokin'! LOL. Ch-check them out, etc.
I don't think there are any previews yet or pre-order pages open for Heathers yet, but I'll keep plugging it on here over the next few weeks because I am a firm believer in giving. Give to the community and the community will give back. I'm still waiting for what I'm owed after all the giving I've done this year, but it'll come. I'm tellin' ya. It'll come.
Like Gary Glitter, Man2.0 gets a jolly yuletide 10/10 gift from the team here at Best Promos for Heathers!
Heathers by Man2.0 is out on Death Decay Magic on Thursday 22 December.
State Of The Heart instrumentals. I was going to do a big thing about this album, but I think it's best I just let it speak for itself. Have a listen:
Nice, isn't it? The other end of the scale is the new/old Slade album that's out this month. It's called Crackers, and it's proper working class party music, and I can say that without feeling like a polished penis because I grew up on the YEW TREE ESTATE in WALSALL, I left school at SIXTEEN and then worked in a FACTORY in WEST BROMWICH - and if you think I'm joking, or trying to make myself sound hard, come to Eastcote and we'll see who's hard. Ok? Just come down to Eastcote and we'll see.
This is an absolutely brilliant album. especially their version of Okey Cokey:
IT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS CHRISTMAS!!! Let's have it!!! Next week, there'll be a massive interview with Man2.0 and microtometercandyhell.
I ran a poll on Twitter yesterday, like Elon Musk did for Trump. It was to see if the team here at Best Promos should continue with the blog or wind it in. It was, essentially, a make or break situation for the team here in Ruislip. Viewing figures for the blog peaked with the Man Power interview, but fell back down to terminal levels with the following post about Daniel Avery's new album.
If people vote on Twitter for us to jack it in, all of my staff will be made redundant a few weeks before Christmas, if everyone votes for Best Promos to pointlessly march on then at least we won't have any Tiny Tim scenarios in Eastcote this year, but I can't make any promises that we will continue past Easter 2023. Maybe we could do a restructure? Food for thought.
Anyway, there is still time to vote, but it's looking like Best Promos will continue for the time being.
Today, instead of reviewing some music, I'm going to go all Alfie Moon and try and sell you some moody DJ gear I got off knock off Nigel in Walford last week. Do you watch EastEnders? It's brilliant at the moment, and it's gearing up for an explosive Christmas. One of my favourite things is watching the extras in the background every time Alfie is doing one of his big shouty speeches down the market, or in the Vic or in Kathy's Café; they're all nodding and laughing, a bit of eye rolling here and there like they all know he's talking crap, but they still absolutely love him.
ROLL UP, ROLL UP, etc.
The DJ Sneak USA Dance Slipmat
You know that DJ Sneak has got a perfectly round head, right, well, I've only gone and stuck a picture of his head on a boat load of high quality 12" professional grade slipmats from the former Yugoslavia! They're ideal for scratch DJs and turntablists. The DJ Sneak slipmat provides durability and will not scuff or damage vinyl, even in cold weather! House Gangsters across the USA can't get enough of these things! YA FEEL ME?!
The DJ Sneak USA Dance Slipmat is ONLY available in my imaginary market stall in Eastcote for ONLY £12.99!
Jacques Lu Cont "Shh" Party Drug Bags
Ok, ok, that doesn't float your flaps, how about some drugs? We all like a bit of drugs on the dance floor, don't we? So, how's about a multi-pack of DJ-branded party drug bags?! They're ideal for stashing your favourite uppers, downers, in-the-middlers, whatever you fancy, and the best part is: you'll never get caught!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen, get yer original (not one of the many bootleg copies) Jacques Lu Cont "Shh" Party Drug Bags for nightclub and pub use. They're Grrrrrrilliant, and at only £6.99 per bag of fifty, there's literally no excuse for you and your mates going out without some party drugs*! YOWZERS!
*party drugs not included.
Official Best Promos #OneLove World Cup Fashion Goalie Gloves
Don't do drugs, no? You should give them a go, well, anyway, they're not for everyone, RIGHT, I know the perfect thing for you...get a load of these. They're bona fide, totally legit Miss Kittin and The Hacker goalie gloves! Perfick for the cold, winter months ahead AND they're stylish AND they're on-brand with the World Cup!
I've wanted to work with Miss Kittin and The Hacker for many years, so to now have them endorse the Official Best Promos #OneLove World Cup Fashion Goalie Gloves has been the icing on the cake of my life. Miss Kittin left me a voicemail the other night in support of the gloves:
"Best Promos is so nice. I am laying on my own private beach. Sipping ice cold ice cream champagne. My butler is so nice. More ice now. Ice is so nice. Where is my limousine? It must be so cold in Eastcote right now. He he he he ha ha ha..."
#FeelingBlessed
Help to tackle worldwide racism, sexism and defeat human rights the RIGHT way, plus they're an absolute STEAL to boot! Only £14.99 per glove!
Get them while you still can! WOAH YEAH!
The Best Promos Book 2023
Remember The Beano when you were a kid? And The Dandy? Do you remember them? We all do, don't we? Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, can you IMAGINE if there was a Beano annual, but it said 'Best Promos 2023' instead of the title and it's got Dave Clarke DJing on the cover, but inside, it was simply the 1990 Beano Annual?! LOL. Can you imagine that?! Well, imagine no more, people because we've only got a shipment here of actual hooky Beanos for ONLY a pony! No, that's too much to charge for a book. Ok, I'm going to cut my own arm off here...£8.99 a book. Can't say fairer than that, can we? CAAAAMMM ON!
All-Over Union Jack Paul Oakenfold Print Bomber Jacket
Ok. I've just been told the pigs are on their way, so we'd better scarper soon, but we've got time for just one last piece of kit, and let me tell you NOW, it's a beauty! Add a little zing to your wardrobe with this vibrant All-Over Union Jack Paul Oakenfold Print Bomber Jacket. Wear it on a basic t-shirt, or layer it on top of a warm hoodie - it’ll look great either way. With a brushed fleece inside, and a relaxed unisex fit, this Bomber Jacket is just the stuff of the dreams, so be quick to grab yourself one!
Above is the dark web link. Get it before it gets taken down by the ICT security team in charge of moody gear on the Internet. £57.00, though, that really is a bargain. It's a gorgeous garment, you'll be bound to pull a tasty bit of treacle or a hunky geezer down Peggy's, whatever takes your fancy. Bugger. Here come the bobbies! Right, gotta go! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I'll be back by popular demand next week because that vote on Twitter is looking so conclusive, and I'll be coming back with an interview with Man2.0, then one with Crozier, then one with Galaxy Brain, then one with Paul Oakenfold.
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