Yesterday, I knocked up a 50 minute remix of that Ricardo Villalobos remix everyone keeps talking about, and let me tell you something: my version is 10 minutes BETTER than Ricky V's. My mother said so.
I used the original bassline, roped in Gazza and Hawk from Legion of Doom to lay down some vocals and added a bit of piano and extra hi-hats. Simples. People make out like making dance music is difficult. It's a piece of wee.
My version is good, isn't it? AND it's longer than the original remix, so it must be better. Mustn't it?
10/10 for me.
I have nothing more to add. I'll be back later in the week with some more dance music reviews, forthright opinions and some event previews, like every other dance music website in the world! LOL
I'm going to start today with a little bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen, because whenever I look at dance music social media, all of the DJs and producers I follow have got r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really big, expert and worldly opinions on what's going on in Parliament, so I thought I'd best jump on that train and prove that I can mix it with them. I read Private Eye every couple of weeks and I read the football section of The Guardian online for free every day, so I know what I'm talking about. Let's go.
Fatty Johnson was on the telly the other day. Did you see him? The big, fat, scruffy-haired birdbrain was sat on his massive arse waffling on about whether or not he'd got drunk at an office party or not in front of a room full of really boring looking politicians and lawyers. They were so boring, I turned around to watch the paint drying on the wall behind me when they started talking about acting within guidelines! LOL. Hang on a minute, that paint wasn't even wet! Politics is boring, isn't it, and it's not like anything what goes on in the news has got anything to do with you or me. Now, that Mr. Putin can do one, and all. If you ask me, we just need to strap up with a few nukes and wipe that cun...no, I'm going to stop with the political analysis now, I'm boring myself silly. Let's do some dance music reviews instead.
I love dance music. It's great.
Chez de Milo - So It Goes EP
I was having a chat with Wil at Ransom Note the other night about some beef, and when I came away from it (the chat about beef) I remembered that they (R$N) had a record label, and that it might be worth having a look at their Bandcamp for some dance music review inspo (inspiration).
At the top of the pile was this four-track release called So It Goes by a bloke called Chez de Milo (real name, Charles Miles). This is a brilliant EP, I'm just not sure about the artwork. It looks like a toddler who's CRAP at art did it. Maybe he was working to a tight deadline and was in a rush to submit it...I know what that's like, Chez! LOL.
The title track, So It Goes, sounds a little bit like Crayon Box by Virgo Four, so I'm naturally a big fan of it. I've played it so many times on my little Pioneer DDJ-SB3 that my arms have almost fallen off from punching the air because So It Goes is so good that I'm punching the air every time I hear it, and I've played it so many times that it feels as though my arms are about to fall off because of all the air punching. Do you know what I mean?
Durga Lesson is track two and it sees Charles, I mean, Chez in a playful and self-depreciating mood, muttering the word, "bugger", every now and again, laying bare his vulnerabilities for us all to bear witness to. Everyone makes mistakes, and if you're English you say the word, "bugger", when you make one, so this song endears me even more to him. Chez de Milo is relatable in a way that DJs like Roger Sanchez and Jon of the Pleased Wimmin can never be, and Durga Lesson is a lesson not only in Durga, but in humility.
With Sister Dex, Chez de Milo is using the clever juxtaposition of a feminine noun (Sister) married with the masculine name, Dex (Dexter). I interpret this track title as a subtle nod of support to the big trans debate that Best Promos is definitely not going to touch with a bargepole. To us, it's just a great song. If you're a DJ, whack it on at around 3.30am to transition (not in that way!) to a deeper, more weird and wonky, druggy section of your set. I also think this is the first ever dance music song to utilise a plastic comb as an instrument.
The last track, Wadham, is good, but it's more downbeat and introspective than the rest of the songs on this EP. No. Not introspective. I hate it when PR and reviewers use that word. Wadham is good, but it's a bit more downbeat and slower than the other songs. Maybe put this at the beginning of your set. Definitely don't play it at peak time. You'll get booed off.
All in all is all we are, and with that in mind, everyone here at Best Promos have agreed wholeheartedly that So It Goes deserves a WHOPPING 10/10! Well done, mate!
So It Goes EP by Chez de Milo is OUT NOW on Ransom Note Records
The champagne will be flowing in Bristol after that review, I'm tellin' ya.
What's next in my inbox? Last Magpie? Hmm. Photonz? Pfft. That Konx-om-Pax one is good, but I've not got the energy to go into depth on it today. It's not out until May either, so I'll review it properly nearer the time. I really need to get on some better promo lists. Dispersion always sends me good stuff, but I'm only seeing emails from them about once a fortnight - if that!
Hoooooooof. It's a wind down Friday, isn't it? Not sure if I can be bothered to even review anything else now. I'll do some Hilarious Lookalikes instead. Hilarious Lookalikes are quick to do, utterly brainless and they always cheer me up :-) :-) :-)
Hilarious Lookalikes!
Has anyone ever done an Ali G and Armand Van Helden one before? If they haven't, they should have done because it's a terrifically amusing idea! LOL
Pen-pushing, yet radical and rollicking Canadian dance scribe, Andrew Ryce, spends every second of every day writing clever clogs music reviews for the shadowy powers that be at Resident Advisor, but has he ever spent all day in a blind rage chasing Spaniards around a field before? Maybe he has...look at these two pictures! LOL
I was going to do one of Patsy Kensit and a cyborg, but I couldn't find a picture of her that categorically makes her look like a cyborg, but if you watch EastEnders religiously like I do, you'll know exactly what I mean.
For all of you out there sarcastically scratching your heads and going, "errr, what is Patsy Kensit doing on a Best Promos Hilarious Lookalikes section? Errr. She's not a DJ. Errrrr." Well, all true dance fans know that Patsy Kensit was once married to Jeremy Healy, and she therefore qualifies. So back off.
What a weirdly lazy post. Sorry. Best Promos is still the best dance music blog out there, though, isn't it, readers?
You know when you've had too much to drink and you have ideas that you think are brilliant, but in reality, these ideas, if acted on, can get your skull caved in by the bouncer you're planning on picking a fight with? Do you get me? Madcap and dangerous ideas usually come to you when you're about nine pints deep, don't they, ladies and gentlemen? Well, my stupidest ideas come when I'm stone cold sober.
Last month, I had the bright idea of UNFOLLOWING everyone on Twitter, deleting ALL of my Tweets and UNFOLLOWING everyone on Instagram - and deleting all of my IG posts. Not only that, I removed ALL of my few hundred Instagram followers thinking that it would make Best Promos look a bit mysterious and cooler than it actually is - like Burial.
I was stone cold sober.
Best Promos, last month
I called this method, Minimal Engagement Actuality Technology (M.E.A.T.), and I was hoping to integrate it into Chat-GPT and PowerShell as a new way of automating social media from a dance-based perspective. Through AI machine learning, M.E.A.T. would revolutionise the way dance bloggers manage the regular disappointments of blogging about dance music by leveraging a devil-may-care attitude to instant feedback and mindless engagement. By removing the Dance Music Sycophancy (DMS) module from social media engagement, I hoped to sit back and let M.E.A.T. take the wheel whilst I sip on an imaginary vodka martini and watch my cool-o-meter explode.
This has not happened. With regards to our ratings: they started badly, they got worse. I attribute all of the blame for this on M.E.A.T., so I have taken the executive decision to decommission this software and get back to basics. All posts will now be dictated to and hand-written by my busty secretary as a draft before being typed up on a word processer by my curvy P.A. After Pottsy has proof-read it, I will something something something. I'm losing my thread on this bit now. I can't tell if I'm being sexist, ironic or just not very funny.
What I'm trying to say is this: being aloof isn't working for us at Best Promos, so I'm going to go back to doing what I do best: top class dance music reviews and lying to the really cool people on social media about how great I think they are.
I love Scuba. Isn't he fab? When I used to write the daily blog for Hotflush, he would always stop by my desk on a Friday afternoon for a cuppa and a gossip. We'd put the world to rights, he'd ruffle my hair, tell me how pleased he was with the blog and I'd feel ten feet tall. I would have run through walls for Scuba between the years 2016 and 2018, I'll tell you that. Although I no longer write for Hotflush, I like to think that Scuba still thinks back to those 'us against the world' days when he's doing one of his DJ sets and smiles.
I was smiling when I listened to the upcoming release by Scuba; Space Park Remixes (this is why I'm the best blogger). It's released on the 25th March, but you can already buy it on Bandcamp as an exclusive. Not only is the music really good, the name of the compilation is, too. Space Park Remixes sounds futuristic and it's impressive when you're telling your pals on the playground what WAVs you've been buying recently. It's also got brilliant artwork by someone called Lando which, again, sounds good if you're telling someone about which artists you like. They'll probably not know who Lando is so you'll have the jump on them.
My favourite song on this compilation is Forgive Me (DJ Clea Remix), but I also love the Peter Ibbetson remix of Never Forget because it sounds a bit like Inspiration by Underground Resistance. All of the songs on Space Park Remixes are good, though, and don't just take my word for it: my new typist asked the average man on the street what he thought about it, too.
Did he like it? Hell yes he liked it.
When coming to judge this compilation by Scuba, I thought back to how barren my M.E.A.T. days were and wondered if it was worth scoring it any less than the ten out of ten it so fully deserves. I arrived at my conclusion with a smile: Space Park Remixes by Scuba is a solid gold 10/10 release and everyone here at Best Promos is right behind it.
Space Park Remixes by Scuba comes out on 25 March as a Bandcamp exclusi...no, sorry, it came out last year. Sorry. I've just double-checked the date and I was wrong. Forgive me. Sorry. Space Park Remixes came out on the 25 March 2022. Apologies. I thought it was this year. Sorry.
LOL. I hope I don't make any more mistakes like that. I feel like a right nelly!
Peter Polytunnel emailed me the other day to ask if I could tell my tens of readers about a new acid-themed release he's putting out on the Made Magnetic label. I remember talking highly on here about last year's Outer Earth on that label, so they must have thought I'd BIG UP their new record this time around...and they're not wrong! Best Promos is bigging this up. Large style.
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is four tracks of slimy Irish acid that smacks you right in the bollocks and leaves you hanging for more. Do you know what I mean? It's like eating Play-Doh and and washing it down with a massive bottle of spicy Fanta. Do you feel me? This is the kind of music they'd play in the wonky disco room at House of God or in the main room at an I Heart Acid night, and the beauty of these four songs is that you don't have to be three or four pills deep for them to make any sense. I've listened to them all during Lent, I haven't touched a drop of lager for almost a month, and I still enjoyed them!
I bet Posthuman has already played these out, actually. This is my favourite song on it:
Old skool flava with a dash of 2023 futuristic acid. Is it 3am at Bugged Out! or is it 10:52am in Eastcote? Who knows? When you're listening to All Acid Everything Vol. 1 it's dance o'clock any time of day or night - wherever you are and whatever the weather. Is it a cool release? Hell yes it's a cool release. Should you buy it? Hell yes you should buy it.
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is so good that when it comes to a score out of ten, I literally can't go lower than ten! It's a 10/10, guys! Cause for celebration, to be sure!!!
All Acid Everything Vol. 1 is OUT NOW on Made Magnetic.
I'm all reviewed out now, so I'll just say a quick thank you to everyone at Jenny's Restaurant on Ruislip High Street for the excellent service and fabulous food yesterday lunch time. I've eaten mega mixed grills in many cafes and eateries across the world, but that one yesterday was the best. The comically excessive portion of chips was the icing on the cake. Thanks, guys. I'll be back.
I had two sausages, two rashers of bacon, a beef burger, some gammon, two onion rings, two fried eggs loads of chips and - in exchange for promising to mention them in today's post - some extra baked beans.
Jenny's Restaurant is on Ruislip High Street and it's OPEN NOW.
"Jenny's. Come on down and stuff your f*cking face."
My Lenten journey continues this week, brothers and sisters. It feels like an eternity since a drop of lager last passed my lips and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm missing the warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon you get when you're about nine pints deep. Mmm. Lager. I can't wait for Easter. I'm going to get absolutely terminated. Eastcote will be rocking.
So, as a substitute for getting paralytic, I've been watching a lot of UK road rage compilations on YouTube and thinking back to all of the different drugs I've tried in my life and how they've lifted my spirits on the dancefloor. Of a nightclub. If you're reading this and have never taken a drug before, you really should give it a go. They're great, they won't get you into trouble with the police or your family AND they're cheap! What's not to love?
Here's The Best Promos Guide to Drugs:
THE BEST PROMOS GUIDE TO DRUGS
Ecstasy E Tablets Price: £5 per pill Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Dance Drugs
Ecstasy E Tablets (or E, if you're using text speak) are little white tablets with funny faces and shapes stamped onto the top of them to appeal to the youngsters. All you need to do is swallow between a half and two tablets at a time with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on E as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
The only drawback on taking pills is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.
Squidgy black Price: £15 per ounce Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Spliff
Squidgy black is the most dangerous of all weed, so it's probably the best. I think I smoked it once, at my old neighbour's flat whilst we enjoyed an episode of Match of the Day together. I don't smoke fags or vape, so I don't really know if Squidgy black and spliff is that good, I'm not sure if I inhaled it properly, but I definitely had the famous munchies the following morning - I went down the greasy spoon and gobbled up a full English breakfast with chips and fried bread!
Glue Price: £2.95 for a pack of 3 on Amazon Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy glue from a dealer: Sticky Bizz (short for Sticky Business)
Sticky Bizz is the kind of drugs you do if you're a teenage boy on a council estate...and I should know, I was one (I'm not now)! Growing up on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands, was a baptism of fire for an artistically-minded and dandy ponce like yours truly. I literally had to hang around with working class kids and their working class families...can you even imagine?! Let me tell you: Ruislip it wasn't! LOL. I never actually sniffed glue, and I don't know anyone on the estate who did, but I bet some of them did sniff it. I don't know what it does to you, either. I think it probably gives you a buzz.
Aerosols Price: £14.99 for a pack of 14 on Amazon Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy aerosol from a dealer: The Tin Man
Everyone goes on in a r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really hilarious way about Lynx Africa every Christmas, but when I was a kid, just starting out on my druggy adventures, Lynx Oriental was the aerosol of choice to huff through our socks around the back of the local Labour Club on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands. Yes, tooting on aerosols, petrol cans and the grim dusting on Zippos was something we ALL* did on the estate and, if I may say so, it never did us any harm. Give it a go, kids. It gives you the dizzy giggles AND it makes you smells nice.
Cocaine Price: £50 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Charlie Chalk
If you're rich and posh or aspiring to be, this is the drug to go for. All of the Hollywood hunks snort it on set, all of the super models rub it into their gums before hitting the runway. Rod Stewart even sticks it up his jacksie when he's in the studio! It's the crème de la crème of powder and it's here to stay. When Best Promos starts hitting more than a hundred views per post, I'm going to treat the team here and celebrate with about twenty grams of Charlie Chalk down the Met Bar, and there's NOTHING you can do to stop me!
Ketamine Price: £40 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Balding's Choice
Ketamine is the weirdest drug on the market, or is it magic mushrooms? It's one or the other, trust me. When you've shoved a few lines of this stuff up your nose you can listen to music and move the components of the song around the room like they're those question mark blocks on Super Mario 3, which is a lorra lorra fun. The only down side of doing Ketamine is that you don't know who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are or when you are. Other than that, it's kickin'!
Lager Price: £6.95 per pint in London, £2.18 everywhere else in the UK Street slang to use when trying to impress the busty barmaid: Columbian Marching Juice
When Chris Morris claimed that alcohol's "not a drug, it's a drink", he was talking out of his ring piece. I'm sorry, but he was. It is a drug because Bill Hicks said it was on every single stand up routine he ever did, and he's American. Lager is the best drug on the market. It blurs your vision, slurs your speech, makes you think you can batter bouncers, dulls all of your senses and it's more expensive than ever, so you feel like you're really having a top notch, extravagant time. Bring it on!
M.D.M.A. Price: £60 per gram Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Man In The Mirror
M.D.M.A. (or Mandy, if you're using text speak) are little white crystals in a little see-through plastic bag. All you need to do swallow some of it with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on Man In The Mirror as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
The only drawback on eating M.D.M.A. is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.
How's about that then for a useful guide? Watch out, Talk To Frank! LOL. It only took me twelve minutes and two seconds for me to finish it, and all.
Whilst writing all of that I had the new Radio Slave song on in the background which, weirdly, comes in at exactly 12:02! It's a really good song, it's called Strobe Queen and it tells the story of Trevor Fenwick. Trevor is a young, closeted gay chap in the Bronx with big dreams. Struggling with his sexuality in a macho 1970s household in the projects, his only outlet is putting some red lipstick on, dressing up in women's clothes and going to Studio 54 to dance in a hanging fluffy cage whilst Grace Jones and Andy Warhol snort Charlie Chalk off the saddles of the horses on the dance floor below. Strobe Queen eloquently illustrates Trevor's feelings of acceptance, delirium, ecstasy and confusion in ways that words could never (illustrate). As the seductive and low slung piano lines gradually drag you further into the beat, Trevor drags himself further into drag and when you close your eyes around the 7 minute mark, you can actually see him voguing on the dancefloor next to Ru Paul and kissing with topless skinheads and married body-poppers. Blindly unaware of the havoc AIDS was about to wreak on the City That Never Sleeps, Trevor and his chums see out the remains of the song in a haze of warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Some might call that feeling love.
I don't. I call it warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Have a listen to it:
That was a really good post, even if doing a drugs guide is something Josh Baines at Thump would have done ten years ago. LOL. You've gotta love it!
I was going to write a section on heroin (aka chasing dragons), but I didn't want us to be responsible for someone getting into that kind of thing.
I'll be back next week with some more dance music reviews. If anyone has any better promo lists, please stick me on them. All I'm hearing on HYPE Filter at the moment is moody drum and bass, dark soundscapes and CRAP bass.
I'm going to ask Santa this year to get my email address on the promo list for Running Back.
LOL I can't stop laughing, readers, because it's that time of the month again where I make ALL of you laugh out loud with some hilarious lookalikes!! LOL. Arghhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
We do need a laugh, though, don't we gang? It's all a bit gloom and doom in the newspapers lately. Let's all move to Rwanda! LOL. That would give Dishy Rishi a shock! Can you imagine what he'd be like if we all just emigrated to Rwanda??? I can't imagine what he'd be like!!! It would be funny, though.
Hilarious lookalikes
Let's kick one off now. Tee hee!!!
Do you watch Succession? Do you watch the Short Circuit films? Do you like minimal techno? LOL. Well, have you ever noticed that the bloke out of Succession and the Short Circuit films looks a bit like Ricardo Villalobos?? Have a look:
Brilliant! Here's a good one, you'll like this...
Whilst there are definitely no other legal similarities between David Jason and the dirty DJ, Jimmy Savile, that I'm probably allowed to make on here, they do both have white hair in these pictures, so I think I'm within my legal rights to highlight that particular similarity. And do you know what, readers? I can't stop laughing at how they both have white hair!! LOL. No kidding!
I have to tell you, though, I read on Reddit that DavCONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and then he'd invite CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS over to CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS before getting his CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERSand he'd call them his "little plonkers."
It turns your stomach, doesn't it?
Hmm.
I feel a bit sick now.
I'm going to scrap the Hilarious Lookalikes bit and take a look at my inbox. There's a WAV in there from Will Hofbauer at Dispersion PR. It's a new song by Radio Slave about strobe lights, but Will says that I'm not allowed to play it publicly until Friday 10 March. I'll review that one next week then. It's good, though, I'll tell you that for nothing.
My M.E.A.T. policy is going well. I've managed to half the readership of Best Promos be whittling my engagement with social media down to it's bare bones. I think I thought I was going to be like Burial or something, but it's backfired. I'm going to carry on with M.E.A.T., though, because it's funnier that way and I don't depend on Best Promos or Twitter to pay the bills or put my caviar on the table. I'm alright. Hell yes, I'm alright.
I've not really been listening to any promos this week, so I've got nothing to review. The stuff that HYPE Filter has sent me is all CRAP, so I'm not going to bother with that. That Radio Slave one was good, so look out for a balanced review of that next week. I've mostly been listening to that DJ Holographic mix on Pool Suite - that's how trendy I am. Have a listen:
Man Power is playing at The Social soon, but I can't make that date, unfortunately, and I've given up booze for Lent, so I wouldn't have been much fun anyway. Like many Brits, I'm only fun with a few pints of lager inside me. Once Easter is out of the way, I'm back in the game.
This is more like a newsletter today, sorry. A very poor post. Go down The Social for this, though:
Have you ever blogged? On a good day, blogging can be one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life, like watching Sharon snag another toy boy on the Square, or like watching Phil punch another toy boy on the Square. It really gets your pulses racing, especially if you team your blog with a trendy social media account. That feeling you get when someone Likes your new post on Twitter, or Likes your new post on Instagram is intoxicating. There is no better feeling in the world. Not even a double drop of ecstasy in Club Fabric can get you as close to Heaven as a good blog post and a high social media engagement score. I swear down, dudes.
However, due to the war in Ukraine and Brexit - and despite having some trendy DJ types follow me on me socials and a couple of toadying interviews with some proper good people - viewing figures have dropped on here to terminal levels. I could carry on and debase myself in public/the Internet by tagging the world in whenever I advertise a new post in the hope that I'll somehow go viral or I could go in completely the other direction.
I could:
STAY ON Instagram and Twitter, but
REMOVE all of my posts and Tweets
DELETE all of my Likes (except one about Troy McClure)
STOP following EVERYONE - even the people I genuinely think are sound
GET RID of all of my followers on Instagram (I can't get rid of anyone on Twitter)
STAY OFF Facebook completely
I call this method Minimal Engagement Actuality Technology, or M.E.A.T. for short. As well as the steps above, we are leveraging Bing ChatGPT and semi-globalised NFTs to maximise our engagement with the dance demographic. Kickin'!
This radical re-think of Best Promos' social media landscape may be utterly brainless and counter to any reasonable standards of something or something, but by gad I'm going to try it. In fact, I've ALREADY actioned all of the above actions! LOL. I did so on the train journey back from Birmingham last weekend when I was massively hungover and promising Jesus that I was going to give up alcohol for Lent.
"Not one drop of the demon drink will not pass my lips until Easter."
"Not one account will be tagged in any future social media posts until Easter."
I do wish I hadn't removed all of my Instagram followers, though. I had a few hundred. That was a bit stupid. Oh well. Let's see how things go. It's all a bit of a laugh and a carry on anyway, isn't it, readers?! Tee hee!
DANCE MUSIC REVIEWS
Man Power (real name, Geoff Powers) has written a couple of lovely songs for Jordan Nocturne's (real name, Jordan Nocturne) record label, Nocturne, and it's been released on Nocturne this month, the other week, on a Friday. Is it good?
Hell yes it's good. Have a listen to the first song on it, called Overbite:
Now, although I enjoyed the music, I found the title (Overbite) offensive because I have an underbite. I suffer from live with jut jaw, and I didn't appreciate the assumption that Man Power is making on this record. Not everyone has an overbite. Sorry, Geoff, I just had to say that. I love you, but you know me; if I have a problem with something, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm going to have a word. I might step on a few toes here and there and break the odd sea shell, but what you get is what you see. I also don't suffer fools gladly.
The other song on this release is called Full Body Gurn, and it's an affectionate look back on the career of the Bounce By The Ounce man who, on this day in 2013, achieved the first ever full body gurn in a British nightclub. Since then, the Bounce By The Ounce man has gone from strength to strength, appearing in his very own YouTube videos where he recreates that dance, and in a calendar where he is superimposed over landmarks such as the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty doing that dance.
Full Body Gurn is a r-r-r-r-r-r-really good song, and if the big, bald, boggle-eyed bastard ever gets his ears around this release, he'd appreciate the tribute - but the Bounce By The Ounce man won't hear Wallsend's Finest because the only genre of dance music he will listen to is northern UK vocal donk. Sorry, guys :'-(
We love it down here in Ruislip, though, so it gets a rollicking 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos. Well done that Man (Power! LOL)!
Perc Trax. Perc. The nicest, and biggest, man in industrial dance. I once remarked that Perc's 2017 album, Bitter Music, was an album of music to drink bitter to, and everyone who heard me say that ended up dying of split sides. Well, if Bitter Music was an album to drink bitter to, Chase Scene Morality by Ghost In The Machine (out now on Perc Trax) is music to drink Carling Black Label to! It's got an almost black cover and if the music was a colour, you could only call it black!
Not in a racist way, I'm not being racist, I just mean it's really moody music.
Have a listen to this!
Out of the three tracks on this hard hitting EP, I like Come On the best.
Why, Best Promos?
Well, because it's got a "come on" vocal. I've long been an advocate of this dance music trope so I'm over the moon to see it coming back. All we need now are some rolling snare build ups and kick/cymbal crash things that get more regular as the drop comes in, do you know what I mean? Have a listen to the version of Get Up, Stand Up by Phunky Phantom on TDVs Elements CD and you'll get what I'm talking about.
The rest of this EP sounds exactly the same, in a good way (imagine a pneumatic drill being left on in a steel bin full of drawing pins), so I'm going to stick my neck out and give it a 10/10 - I don't care what Pottsy thinks!
Chase Scene Morality is great and it's OUT NOW on Perc Trax!
This is guaranteed to be a 10/10 night. No question.
Tickets are all sold out, so get yourself down to Tunnel Club in Brum early doors or keep checking out the resale thing on here: HOUSE OF GOD
And that's all for this week. I hope you've enjoyed the show. LOL. I might actually reverse-ferret and tag the people in I'm reviewing on Twitter and stuff when I post about them. I don't want to go too puritanical.
I wonder if M.E.A.T., my new way of anti-social media will work? Hmm * chin scratching emoji *
I was watching a documentary last night about Luciano...no, not THAT Luciano! LOL. Sorry, mid-00s Latin-American minimal techno fans! I was watching a programme about Luciano Pavarotti; that big, fat Italian opera singer. Do you know why he was so fat? They said that before every opera concert, he wouldn't go on unless he'd had fourteen large Big Mac meals (with full fat cola and BBQ sauce) delivered to his dressing room along with a six pack of Guinness. Once he'd washed his Big Mac meals down with the Guinness, he then had seven puddings. He'd mix it up every night. One night he'd have a big bowl of bread pudding, an apple crumble with custard, some spotted dick, a whole Viennetta, a whole Swiss roll, a whole Battenberg and a strawberry trifle! The next night he might just have seven bowls of spotted dick. He was a right greedy get, but he was happy. After his puddings, he'd have a big mug of tea, a double pack of custard creams and a split pot yoghurt. Only then, would he go on and sing Nessun Dorma to the posh nerds out front. Absolute legend.
They said that when he died in 2007, they couldn't find a coffin big enough, so they had to customise a wooden rowing boat and bury him in that. It's unbelievable. And instead of laying flowers and wreaths on the coffin, mourners were encouraged to leave things like American-style cheddar cheese slices, fried bread and pickled onions on it. Elton John apparently broke down in tears as he carried a Yorkshire leg of lamb down the aisle. Sheryl Crow said it was the saddest thing she'd ever seen.
Bono had to pick him up, but he was a nervous wreck himself because he'd volunteered to sing In My Life by The Beatles as a video montage of Pavarotti was played on a portable projection screen behind him whilst the coffin was lowered into the ground. The trouble was, the pall bearers weren't strong enough to lift the coffin with all of that food on top of it, so they had to go and find a forklift truck from somewhere. When they finally had one delivered to the church, the only person at the funeral with a fork lift truck training accreditation from the ITSSAR was Kevin Rowland out of Dexys Midnight Runners. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sounded like a right royal cock up.
(Now, watch how I do this...)
What doesn't sound like a right royal cock up is the latest EP by Ost & Kjex (pronounced Ost and Kurjecks). It's called Remixes From The End Of The World and let me tell you know, it's Grrrrrrrrilliant!
(I'm the best in the business)
There are three tracks, one called The Gallery, one called Dickie's Pix and the last one is called Mountain Girl. I've just had a proper read of the PR letter and this EP is a remix EP of their recent album, Songs From The End Of The World. Ahh, I get it now. Ok.
Ivan Smagghe's mate, Chloé Thévenin, remixes The Gallery. It's really cool. It's got one of them basslines that sounds like a buzzing bee and some whispery vocals that sound mysterious, but she could be singing about anything, to be honest. For all we know, it could be a song about making some sandwiches. It's a really, really cool song.
Avery Baker from EastEnders's (RIP) mate, The Maghreban, 44, is the remix maestro on the second track. It's called Dickie's Pix, and I don't know what this one is about, either. There is a vocal on it, but like The Gallery, it's whispered and has wishy washy effects on it that make it difficult to make out, which is disappointing, if truth be told.
The music is good, though. It's got a bassline that sounds like it got out the wrong side of the bed and a sample of Sir Patrick Moore playing the xylophone on GamesMaster. Another bit of it is good, too. It's them little stabby, breathy chord things. I think if you're listening to this on illegal high drugs, it'll make you feel like you're walking down some stone stairs to a dungeon, but in a good way.
Circo Loco's mate, Thomas Melchior, rounds things up with a STOMPING remix of Mountain Girl. This one will have you throwing your hands up in the air, whooping and demanding a rewind from whoever you hear playing it. In fact, the Hillingdon bin men outside have just been lobbing pebbles at my window and screaming at me to "play it again!" Did I oblige? Hell yes I obliged. Mountain Girl (Thomas Melchior Remix) has got the words "dancefloor melter" stamped all over it. It's a certified heater and a guaranteed 2024 Grammy award winner of the BOOMING BEAST award in the dance category. I feel sorry for the poor PA systems and Funktion-One speakers that are going to struggle with the ferocity this banger bomb is packing.
Let's get down, let's get down to business. Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is brilliant, so I can't give it any less than a 10/10. Congratulations!
Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is OUT NOW on Snick Snack Music.
Hmm. A lot of things to follow, there. If I had a gun to my head and had to recommend just one of them, I'd go with The Maghreban because he sometimes "Likes" things I Tweet about on Twitter.
Up next is an album I've been listening to a lot lately. It's called WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM, and it's a compilation of dance songs by Iranian women. I don't do much politics or serious stuff on here because it's always a bit embarrassing when thick people in dance music put their activism shades on and strut about social media giving it the big 'un.
One is reminded of Jarvis Cocker on Question Time. LOL. One is.
Anyway, I'm thick, but I read this last week and thought it was an interesting article, so I bought the album: bbc.co.uk/newsbeat
It's all been put together by Nesa Azadikhah and DJ Aida, who are making the point that the capers we take for granted in Great Britain (necking eight or nine pingers, sniffing charlie chalk, marching on the spot and gurning all night in a flashy nightclub) are actually considered illegal, indecent acts in Iran.
Some of the techno on WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM is hard and a bit mad, which I love, and some of it is moody, beatless chill-out room padding, which I can't be bothered with, but the album will hopefully raise awareness of the protest movements in Iran and get some money heading that way to help organisations that help women in Iran. Never let it be said that we at Best Promos don't support good causes. Please don't let that ever be said.
Yeah, man. I feel so, like, politically charged now, that I'm going to award this compilation a well-earned score of 10/10!! Right on!
WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM is OUT NOW on Apranik Records.
I'm going to chuck my political air horn in the bin now and shine a light on an event that, whilst nowhere near as important as an uprising in Iran is on a global scale, is probably, to a small group of well-to-do hippies and geriatric liberals in east London, quite a significant occasion in itself. Ransom Note drag their massive light-box and their even bigger website to The Social on Friday night where they'll be starting a new monthly party in the famous underground basement AND the bar upstairs on the ground floor.
I think I'm free that night, so I might go down for a beer and a little spy on what it's all like. I wonder what it'll be like?! I wonder if it'll be a 10/10 night?!?!?!
