The Noel Edmondites

This week on Best Promos we'll be exploring the ways in which people dance to dance music, how they listen to it and why they listen to it (dance music). And where. We'll be taking a deep dive into how house music shapes the social, political and cultural mind-thoughts of our times, and how it can change legislation, break down sexual and racial divides and create safe spaces for those zany, kooky attention-seeking kinds of guys who like to live on the fringes of society.

Not really. I'll be reviewing some songs and and providing a platform for my own dead interesting music.

"Say whaaaaaa?! Your music, Best Promos? What do you mean? What music?"

Well. When I heard the new Drake beef song the other day where he's having a pop at loads of people I'd never heard of, I thought to myself, "hmm, I'm going to have a pop at HIM!"

"Why, Best Promos?"

Well, I don't really know, but it made me smile to think about a small-time Ruislip dance blogger from West Bromwich wading into a North American rap beef.

"It's not that funny."

I know :'-(

Anyway, I contacted the only rapper in Middlesex, the West Bromwich born Toast Faced Killer, and signed him up to my gangster rap label: Eastcote Killah Rekordz, on a ten album deal and brought him into the lab (studio (box room where my computer is)) to lay down some filthy smack over the heavy beats I created.

It's called, Them Called Press Ups (Phone 999 Bitch, There 'bout 2 b Done Did a Murdahhh). Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? Don't be surprised if you see that Drake now cancels all of his future concerts at the Birmingham NEC and the Robin in Bilston. The man will be absolutely crapping himself. Guaranteed.

The only mistake that Toast Faced Killer made was saying he's, "from London". He should have said that he, "lives in London." Hope that doesn't distract from the beef and that Drake doesn't pick up too much on that when he responds!

Grimes, I know you read Best Promos: the BPM on this song is 103

Enough about my successes in music, let's judge some other people.

"I'm telling myself the story of my life. It's stranger than fiction. Trying to capture the something something. Something about horses. Daddy loves you very much. The plane comes down behind enemy lines. Mother Theresa walks among the poor. Her voice is a bomb that gives you a name. Learn the language. Twelve days in Paris."

I'm sorry, but what the bloody hell are Man Power and Louisahhh on about in this new song on Rekids? Maybe I'm just thick, but I don't know what the bloody hell they're going on about in it.

Have a listen and tell me if you can make head or tail of what they're going on about:

Load of nonsense.

Saying that, it's a bloody good track. We Trawl The Hurts (Feat. Lousiahhh) is Man Power's first song on Rekids. Musically, it sounds like an imaginary Paul Van Dyk remix of Tunic (Song For Karen) by Sonic Youth, but with lyrics that make you wonder what the bloody hell he's going on about instead of lyrics you kind of get. Maybe the lyrics to We Trawl The Hurts make more sense when you're three or four pills deep on the dance floor. Hmm. Food for though, methinks.

"An approximation of starlight."

What the bloody hell does that mean?

Despite me not knowing what the bloody hell any of the lyrics mean, I do really like this track, and the seven hundred Deetron Remixes included in the package, and after spending a lot of time thinking about a score I should give it, I'm going to award We Trawl The Hurts (Feat. Louisahhh) a whopping 10/10 - and I'm not just saying that because Man Power scored Them Called Press Ups (Phone 999 Bitch, There 'bout 2 b Done Did a Murdahhh) a 10/10 on Twitter last night.

Grimes: This one is 129 BPM.

It's OUT NOW and you should buy it NOW.

BUY 'WE TRAWL THE HURTS' NOW: We Trawl The Hurts | Man Power & Louisahhh | Rekids (bandcamp.com)
Follow Man Power on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Louisahhh on Instagram
Follow Rekids on Twitter and on Instagram

Ahh. I meant to say at the start of that bit that Man Power puts the "man" in "tremandous dance music", but I forgot.

I've been in Canada the last couple of weeks, so haven't been clubbing, blogging, taking recreational party drugs or listening to the kind of music that ONLY makes sense when you're three or four pills deep in the main room. What I did do was eat a lot of hotdogs, speak in a posher-than-normal English accent to Canadian people and read TWO books. I read Another Planet: A Teenager in Suburbia by Tracey Thorn and Afternoons With The Blinds Drawn by Brett Anderson.

The Tracey Thorn one gets a 10/10 because I like Everything But The Girl, I used to go to Buzzin' Fly at The End, and it made me laugh out loud quite a bit. I know exactly how her mother feels about wanting a detached house.

The Brett Anderson one gets a 10/10 because I like Suede, I once saw him in a Notting Hill newsagents leafing through a computer magazine, and for hilariously using the word, "Dionysian", at least once in every chapter. I also spotted a typo, but I won't embarrass the author or the publisher by pointing it out.

See: reading books isn't just for nerds and geeks. Next week on the Best Promos Book Club, I'll be reviewing the latest Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and the 1989 Bash Street Kids annual.

I keep getting promos that say stuff like, DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS RELEASE UNTIL JULY 2026, and, ABSOLUTELY NO AIRPLAY OF THIS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, and then by the time July '26 and Christmas come around I've forgotten about the promos and they don't make it onto the blog.

One of these super mega secretive tracks I won't forget about, though, because it's so blimming good! On the 26 April 2024 (not before) look out for my review and play of the new R*man Fl*gel on CONTENT REMOVED BY DISPERSION PR LAWYERS.

#RantOver

I'll be back online next week with LOADS more Dionysian content that NOBODY reads!

Ta'ra.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Studio Shine

It's quite a stretch for me to call myself a blogger these days, I mean, Managing Director of a successful online dance and culture magazine. I hardly find the time and energy to Tweet anymore, let alone pen a fantastic 1000-words essay on the state of some promos I've received in my inbox. Sometimes, I'll post a picture on Instagram that Man Power and a bloke in America called @notvnotv will like, and I think to myself, "back in the game", in a Paddy McGuinness voice. Do you know what I mean?

But I'm not back in the game, am I, ladies and gentlemen?

Or am I?

What is the game?

No. I am back in the game. I have to stop doubting myself.

I am a good creative writer. I might not have got any GSCEs above a grade C or a university education to back that up, but I am a good creative writer, and this post is proving it to the max.

Actually, I did go to university once, for a whole seven or eight months. In the mid-00s, I thought I was better than what I was and enrolled at Birkbeck University to study Politics and Society. LOL. I bought a long scarf to wear around my...neck, and a brown satchel to carry my heavy books around in. I started to drink mild ale and pretended that I preferred it to lager. I even pretended that I was interested in the printing press and the Reformation, but when push came to shove; I bottled the exam at the end of the first year and sat in the library feeling sorry for myself and reading Viz (which was, by then, definitely not as funny as it used to be, but funnier than it is now). I never went back to Birkbeck University and I have vowed to never think I'm middle-class ever again, or try and better myself. It's just not worth it.

Who needs GCSEs or a degree, anyway? I don't! I'm absolutely raking it in as a dance music writer...it's great!

Hmm.

Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch! Can you believe it?!

I told the old woman behind the counter at the Sue Ryder shop on Ruislip High Street that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch, and she didn't have a clue what I was talking about, so I left in a huff - without paying for the Richard Clayderman vinyl I'd dug out of one of their crates.

I bounced down the street and poked my nose into the Granero Lounge. It's quite a fashionable looking place with mis-matched wall paper and retro paintings on the...wall, so I was quite sure that the guys in there would be interested. I ordered a flat white cup of tea and proudly announced to the bloke with the over-sized glasses, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch."

He stared at me with a puzzled look on his...face, and said, "excuse me?" I said, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch. What do you reckon to that?"

He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, sir, and there's no such thing as a flat white cup of tea."

I said, quite aggressively this time, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch", and I was asked to leave the Granero Lounge.

I popped across the road to the Hop and Vine; Ruislip's trendiest bar, but before I could tell them that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch, I was, God, this is a boring bit. Sorry.

All you really need to know is that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch. It's called Modulations, and it's a really good release if you like your dance music serious. It's the kind of stuff Ben Klock would play, but I doubt very much you'd hear Modulation 02 in a Soul Clap set.

I don't have to do this, but I'd like to award it a 10/10

BUY IT NOW: Modulations EP | Gotshell & Jeroen Search | Mind Medizin (bandcamp.com)
Follow Gotshell on Instagram
SEARCH for Jeroen Search on Instagram
Follow Mind Medizin on Instagram

Speaking of dance music, I was listening to some (dance music) last week whilst doing my proper job. It was a continuous mix by a bloke I (honestly) had a dream about last night.

Have a listen. I won't tell you what I think about it until you've listened to the whole thing, ok?

Here:

REKIDS · HOUSE OF REKIDS MIX 02 | Man Power

It's good, isn't it?

My favourite track on it is that Hot Mess one.

I can't remember too many details about the dream I had last night, but it was something to do with me, Man Power and an unidentified woman starting up a makeshift party at the back of my Nanny Doreen's garden, in a big, metal shed. I was shifting vinyl about the place and sorting out some cables. I had a nagging feeling like I wasn't wanted there, and that I should just go inside and have a jam sandwich with my nan instead, but I carried on regardless, in awkward silence.

And was the party a great success? I don't know, my alarm went off and I had to go and sort out the bins.

Monday is bin day in Hillingdon.

What else is going on? Well, I've been trying to reach out to Frank Bruno because I need a celebrity to host the next episode of Radio Ruislip, and I know he'd be perfect for it. Know what I mean, Harry?! LOL

Also, I'm very pleased to say that Postman Pat delivered my new ACID t-shirt from the people at I Love Acid the other day. When the sun puts his hat on again, I'll start wearing it around Eastcote and Ruislip. Until then, it's stopping on that coat hanger.

BUY ONE HERE: Acid Whooosh t-shirt | I Love Acid / Balkan (bandcamp.com)

Other than that, I've been doing bugger all to do with dance music and social media, and LOADS all to do with actual real life. How it should be, really. Oh! I finished watching Gomorra season 5 last week and I remembered that there's quite a few hilarious dance music lookalikes in it, so maybe I'll get a special Gomorra Hilarious Lookalikes post up for Friday, to keep the content flowing.

If not, I'll definitely be back next week with Frank Bruno presents...Radio Ruislip.

Let the boxer...see the blogger!!!

Bye!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Dan Swindle

Last week's post concentrated its entire concentration on Eastern Sounding Dance Music, which - if I'm truthful with myself - was a bit narrow-minded. Last week, I thought it was a great idea, but this week it all seems a bit like walking down Walsall Market and only stopping to stare at the luggage stall when I could be taking in the sights and sounds of the fruit stall, the clothes stall and the vape stall, too.

What I'm trying to say is that there is more to dance music than clothes and vapes. You've got your luggage and your fruit, too. No. Hang on. There's more to Walsall Market than Eastern Sounding Dance Music. No. Oh dear, I am in a muddle.

This all feels like a funny Two Ronnies sketch, doesn't it? LOL

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is that about a minute after publishing my last post about Eastern Sounding Dance Music, I went into a coma. I don't know how or why, and the NHS have been useless; they can't tell me why it happened, or how. In fact, they don't even believe that I went into a coma and have since accused me of wasting hospital time and causing a public nuisance for turning up at Northwick Park with a loud hailer and demanding to speak to both the Matron (about my condition) and the Chief Executive Officer of the NHS (about getting signed off the blog, long-term, for clinical writer's block).

I'm going to end up in the loony bin if I'm not careful.

Can I say that these days?

I suppose if I am a looney, then I can say it. I'm owning it.

Speaking of looneys, whilst I was in a coma, the lads at Dispersion PR sent me a compilation of brand new remixes on the Heist Recordings label. For those of you who aren't as trendy as me, Heist is Dan Swindle's label. For those of you who aren't as in the know and cool as me, Dan Swindle is a young, hip, up-and-coming Human Resources manager for the United States Air Force who, in his spare time, creates beats that are harder than me trying to park a Dodge in a two-car garage when the temp goes up to the mid-80s and I'm really drunk, etc. Dan is a great guy, too, he once stepped out of his comfort zone and helped out with th...no. Sorry. I got that wrong, it's not Dan Swindle, it's Dam Swindle. Sorry, guys.

Dam Swindle, obviously, are the Dutch lads who have brought this brilliant compilation into the world.

How brilliant is it, Best Promos?

Really brilliant.

It's called The Round Up Pt. 10. I've not heard parts 1 to 9 so I can't say if it's the best one of the bunch, but it is really good. In fact, I'm going to give it a WHOPPING 10/10 and suggest that you go out and buy it today!

Heist Recordings - The Round Up Pt. 10 is OUT NOW on Heist Recordings.

My favourite track on it is Owo (Crackazat Remix). Proper nice spring/summer tune.

Buy the album now: The Round Up Pt. 10 | Heist Recordings

Follow Dam Swindle on Instagram
Follow Heist Recordings on Instagram

As we're now in the market for spring/summer tunes, have a listen to this 80s reissue of Once Bitten by the flamingly 80s looking Kim Yaffa from the excellently-named LA label, Pleasure of Love. It's the kind of tune you could play anywhere there's a beach or a pool, or at an Only Fans House Party. Or on a Poolside NTS mix. Or in your back extension to impress your missus and kids.

I've been playing Once Bitten a lot whilst writing this post. I had to run down to Ruislip Lido in my Bermuda shorts with my laptop under my arm because of how blissful and sunny it is. Everyone in the pirate ship playground loved it. Have a listen:

You can't. Sorry. There's a radio embargo on it until Friday 8 March.

I'll tell you what, though, I asked the GamesMaster if he had any Kim Yaffa cheats and he said that if you load up the Pleasure of Love Bandcamp page, press up down down down left A A A B Select up up left right B and Select, a preview button appears for the 1988 Original Mix which you can listen to.

If I had a gun to my head, I'd give this release a MASSIVE 10/10.because of how pleasurable it is to write a dance music blog to.

Pre-order it now: Once Bitten | Kim Yaffa | Pleasure of Love

Follow Pleasure of Love on Instagram

The first thing I did when I came out of my coma was ask how many Ran$om Note releases I'd missed. The pepped up junior doctor rushing through A&E didn't have a clue what a Ran$om Note Records was. I told you the NHS is useless. They're on their knees, mate. I'm going to Bupa the next time I trip into a coma.

Do you remember Coma Cat? Great tune.

When I got home from the hospital, I asked ChatGPT what the latest release on Ran$om Note Records is and they came back with a right load of old codswallop!

There's been more since that Earthquake compilation, but my favourite is the latest Bawrut remix pack called Bawrut Remix Pack. It's four ace remixes of four of his ace tunes.

Can you imagine being three or four pills deep in a basement when this one comes on?

It would send you round the bend...in a good way.

Every track on this pack is r-r-r-r-r-really good, but that Nandele Noize one is my fave. It reminds me of the type of stuff I used to hear at Foreign Muck at The Key.

Ahh, the good old days. Do you remember that dance floor with the flashing lights on it?

So, for bringing back memories of light-up dance floors, Ivan Smagghe and Boris Horel, I hereby award Bawrut Remix Pack a SEXY 10/10!

Buy it now: Remix Pack | Bawrut

Follow Bawrut on Instagram
Follow Ran$om Note on Instagram

Walsall Market, yesterday

That was a good post, wasn't it? I think I feel better after that writer's block induced coma. I'm raring to go again.

I feel in such a good mood that I need to scream about these cool new dance t-shirts I saw down Walsall Market at the weekend. I liked them so much that I bought one for me, one for my dad and one for the Bounce By The Ounce man to model. Have a look:

They're made of 100% cotton and some wool, and come in black or grey. Whatever colour takes your fancy, and they have all sorts of sizes, so you can get one if you're a slim, fit fella like me OR if a big, fat, lazy get on a mobility scooter like most of the young people I saw trundling around Walsall Market. It's the new fashion sensation that is sweeping the nation: ACID t-shirts by I Love Acid / Balkan.

But don't just take our word for it. Everyone in dance is raving about them...

"You'll be the belle of the ball in these fantastic, fashionable ACID t-shirts." - Erol Alkan

"10/10" - Best Promos

"If you're not wearing one this summer, you're just NOT cool. Sorry, not sorry." - Allister Whitehead

"When I wear my ACID t-shirt in the DJ booth, I feel like a million dollars...and no mistake!" - Allister Whitehead

"Come on." - Man Power

"Say whaaaa?! These terrific ACID t-shirts are only fifteen pounds?! You're kidding me! You're serious? Wow. Where can I buy a few for me and my friends? The I Love Acid / Balkan Bandcamp page? It's that simple? Ok! I gotta get them all!" - Allister Whitehead

Why not join in the ACID t-shirt craze this year and buy one for yourself? I haven't yet...but I will!

Buy one now: Acid Whooosh t-shirt | I Love Acid / Balkan

Follow I Love Acid on Instagram
Follow Posthuman on Instagram (I thought I was already, but I wasn't. Soz!)

I'm off now. Bye. See you next week. Bye. Bye.

Bye bye * waving emoji *

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

The ULTIMATE Guide to Eastern Sounding Dance Music

An offer of employment for anyone here at Best Promos is a Walford-like cause for celebration, and I’m still wriggling with delight at the idea of writing for a grown-up website, even if this bit is hidden behind a 16-foot-tall mystery “pay wall”. How many people will read about my love of eastern sounding dance music? Will anyone care if I prefer eastern sounding dance music to normal dance music? Who am I? Will I turn anyone onto eastern sounding dance music by writing this? I suppose if I can get just one Quietus reader into eastern sounding dance music, then I can move on with my life knowing that I’m now not the only person in the world who likes eastern sounding dance music.

Today's 'EXCLUSIVE only to Best Promos' post is all about eastern sounding dance music. Do you know what I mean? Eastern sounding dance music, or ESDM as the American candy kids are now calling it, is dance music with a melody that sounds a bit eastern, like something out of Aladdin or Prince of Persia.

Do you know what I mean? My kids don't.

When I sat my children down last week and gently opened up about my love for eastern sounding dance music, they said, "What? Do you mean The Egyptian Dance from the opera, Samson and Delilah?" After I'd calmed down and put my belt back around my waist, I said, "kind of, girls, but with a dance beat behind it."

Liking eastern sounding dance music is difficult to explain; there are so many genres of electronic music that have eastern sounding sections and phrases in them, which is why I always wear my Disco Halal t-shirt now. When dance fans stop me in Ruislip and ask me what kind of music I like, I just lift my shirt, I mean, jumper and point at the t-shirt underneath. Say no more.

I want to spread the joy, so I am today listing five eastern sounding dance music tracks that will set you off on your journey of eastern sounding dance music discovery, and I’m going to love every minute of it because listing eastern sounding dance music tracks for The Quietus on Best Promos is like making love to a beautiful woman: you start off slow and speaking Turkish, and by the end of the list you’re urgently, and extremely seriously, going at it like the clappers at around 140bpm.

Will you ever see that beautiful woman again? I reckon that after reading this, you’ll be eyeing up engagement rings in the Argos catalogue before the end of January.

Modern Folk Üçlüsü featuring Aysegul Aldinc - Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit)

At only 104 beats per minute (and with loads of Turkish vocals on it) Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit) by Modern Folk Üçlüsü is the perfect track to open this list with. Modern Folk Üçlüsü are an old-fashioned, boring looking band from donkeys years ago who made mostly rubbish music in Turkey (I don’t know who Aysegul Aldinc is).

Nobody had ever heard of them until the corking Barış K edit of their jaunty Dönme Dolap song was included in the Barış K-compiled Istanbul 70 compilation in 2011, and now EVERYBODY has heard of them! It’s a great warm up track for a trendy disco and if you don’t like it, you must have something missing.

You’re a dingbat.

The Maghreban - Revenge (feat. Rutendo Machiridza)

Let’s get cooking. I’m leading you into the bazaar now. Can you taste the eastern flava? The Maghreban, 45, is a very dear social media friend of mine, but I’m only friendly with him because he has an eastern sounding DJ name with an eastern looking logo.



Disappointingly, though, he doesn’t make loads of eastern sounding dance music, and I’ve just spent about half an hour going through his Bandcamp page trying to find something I can crowbar into this article. Revenge is the best I could come up with. It’s Grrrrrilliant and it sounds a bit eastern. Mmm.

Magic Mainline Orchestra – Xumba Xumba (Eden Burns Remix)

The original Xumba Xumba by Spanish dance experts, Magic Mainline Orchestra, is one of the most uplifting and fun pieces of music to have ever come out of Europe in 2021, so I feel a bit bad for choosing the Eden Burns remix. I’ve chosen it for two good reasons, though: 1) it’s a couple of minutes longer than the original, and 2) it’s got a church organ in it.

I go to church every Sunday morning (big up to Father Michael at St. Paul’s in Ruislip Manor), and whenever Jean cranks up the organ, my feet begin to tap and I’m transported, in my head, to a far away land where manic munchkins chant “Xumba Xumba” over and over again on top of a funky beat and an even funkier eastern sounding top line that nobody in the congregation except for me and the Sunday School children would realistically appreciate.

Niv Ast - Tutto Bene (feat. Ruty Klein)

Is this cheesy or is this brilliant? This is the new one on Disco Halal, so if it’s not brilliant…I’ll eat my t-shirt.

 

I’ve just had a re-listen and it is brilliant. I’ve opened all the windows at Best Promos HQ, taken my jumper off and turned the volume up to full whack. Everyone in my street is dancing and singing along to the lyrics in their living rooms: I can see them through the net curtains with my binoculars. It’s bin day today in Eastcote and all the bin men and bin women are skipping, high fiving each other and laughing as they empty my food waste into their enormous, four-wheeled mega bins. Postman Pat has just delivered this week’s copy of The Quietus and given me a thumbs up and an OK sign whilst nodding his head and whistling along to Tutto Bene. There goes Noel in his massive Audi Q4 e-tron with a face like thunder. I absolutely love living in Ruislip.

DJ Zigi - Dancing On A Ceiling (Tony De Vit X-Tended Mix)

Okey doke. We’re at the end, but as I said earlier, we’re not finishing on a floppy downer, we’re climaxing with a hydraulic jackhammer that will leave everyone involved feeling satisfied, stretched, used, drained, and with a deeper understanding of eastern sounding dance music. 

This track, for me, has everything; it’s hard, it’s fast, it’s eastern sounding and I first heard it on the Tony De Vit Elements CD when I was a teenager, so it’s very evocative. Academically speaking, Dancing On A Ceiling by DJ Zigi is a no-nonsense 90s hard house composition that TDV has cleverly reshaped and distilled for the drugged-up thickos in Birmingham to get them gurning even more, and that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day.

It’s also got the most OTT, comically sounding eastern melody out of all of the tracks on this list, so it gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from me.

I think that’s me done now. I’ve had quite enough of listening to eastern sounding dance music for today, thank you very much…

…I’m off to listen to some eastern sounding rock ‘n’ roll now! LOL

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

No Matching Suggestions

When I first heard that a shed was remixing a Sven Von Thülen track, I said, "hang on a minute, how the cowin' hell is a shed going to know its way around a bleedin' DAW! It couldn't even keep vertical in the middle of Storm Dudley!"

(My ego had taken over. I naturally assumed it was MY shed that was remixing Sven Von Thülen. I'm such a big head.)

I hollered at the team in a deep American accent, which caught their attention, "since when is my muthaflippin' shed being allowed to do remixes?!"

Pottsy being Pottsy, he took his trousers down, which made everyone laugh, and then excitedly screeched that it was Shed, not a shed, who was doing the remix! I felt like a right dingbat.

To be honest, though, Body Music (Shed Remix) by Sven Von Thülen does actually sound like it's been remixed by my shed! It's a right bloody racket. It's distorted beat after distorted bleep for about five minutes. There's no melody whatsoever and because I had it on full whack when I listened to it on the Best Promos office Funktion-One rig behind my desk, it's given me a headache. The original has at least got a bit of top line in it, but even that is just looped over and over and over again, like a circle.

Do I like this release?

Hell no...

...I love it! LOL

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen - the original and the Shed remix - is just the type of music you want to dance to in a nightclub. When you're buzzing your boobs off in a warehouse on pingers and poppers, the last thing you want to hear is Kings of Tomorrow or Don't Call Me Baby, you want the type of stuff that is going to make you bow your head, purse your lips, frown, close your eyes and stomp aggressively on the spot like a drugged up 2-year old girl as stranger massages the crown of your head.

Do you know what I mean?

So, with all that said, I can only award this release a STOMPIN' 10/10. Well done, guys.

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen (and Shed Remix) is out on FRIDAY 10 NOVEMBER on Work Them Records

Pre-order it here: Body Music

Follow Sven Von Thülen on Instagram

Follow Shed (I think?) on Instagram

Follow Work Them Records on Instagram

Oooh. I've just heard an email notification alert on my computer. A ping. I'm waiting for an email back from The Quietus, you see. I applied to be their senior dance music correspondent executive last week. I sent my cover letter and CV off, so this is probably from them to say that they'd be delighted to have me on board! I know they're a bunch of clever clogs, but I can hold my own; I left school at 16 with a big, shiny C in my English GCSEs.

Right. I'll be back in a minute, readers. Probably with some good news! I'll need a glass of champers, no doubt! Tee hee!

Oh. It was an email from the Republic of Ireland :-(

:-)

The shadowy CEO of Apartment Records has written to me to keep me in the loop about a new release on their label by a Glaswegian, I mean, Galwegian, called Belacqua. The release is called Dropped Balls, so I was obviously intrigued. Not enough male producers tackle (pardon the pun) the issue of puberty and scrotal plunge, so a big up to Belacqua for having the balls (pardon the pun) to get to grips (pardon the pun) with it (pardon the pun) in such an open and honest way.

And what a way! Dropped Balls kicks off with a low tempo BANGER called Gunnish which sounds a bit like the intro to As Heard on Radio Soulwax Pt. 2, the version of Jack The Ripper by Screamin' Lord Sutch that The White Stripes used to do and that Peter Gunn song.

Maybe that's why he called it Gunnish? Hmm. Anyway, it sounds fab with a couple of red wowies and seven lines of Charlie chalk inside you. Trus' me.

So, we've established that it's a great piece of music, sure, but I'm not sure what it's got to do with the process of physical changes through which a child's body matures into an adult body capable of sexual reproduction. Belacqua - get in touch so we can discuss.

The rest of Dropping Balls is brilliant, but I won't go into too much detail. I suggest you BUY them all on the Apartment Records Bandcamp page and make your own mind up. It's all a bit mad and DIY, though, in a good way. There's also a nice remix of Gunnish by Marshall Applewhite which sounds like he's just added the original to Ableton, changed the Transient Loop Mode to Loop Forward and reduced the Transient Envelope number to about 50.

If I had a gun to my head (don't worry, readers, I haven't! LOL), I'd give Dropped Balls a well hung 10/10

Buy it NOW: Belacqua - Dropped Balls

Follow Belacqua on Instagram

Follow Marshall Applewhite on Instagram

Follow Apartment Records on Twitter and on Instagram

For DJ @ewanmcvicar_ Ayr will always be home.

See more in #TUNE on @BBCiPlayer 👉 https://t.co/HfCl3k6bbY pic.twitter.com/9SS640e956

— BBC Scotland (@BBCScotland) June 13, 2023

Speaking of non-English dance music people, I watched a nice video this morning whilst I was sat on the bog. It was a new clip on the BBC Scotland Twitter that appeared in my feed of Scottish Ewan McVicar talking about putting on a festival in Scotland, rather than playing in Mia...

...hang on a minute, this video is from June! Twitter is properly crap nowadays, isn't it? LOL

So, actually, this is interesting. We're covering English, Irish and Scottish DJs today on Best Promos which begs the obvious question:

Why aren't there any Welsh DJs?

I might elaborate on this question next week because I just can't be bothered to (elaborate) at the moment. It's definitely food for thought, though. Where are they all?

Speaking of Ewan McVicar, his Geordie pal, Man Power, is playing loads of his records with Erol Alkan on Friday in North Shields, with Tony Y Not in New York on the Saturday and with Club Tularosa the following Friday in Los Angeles. He did a post about it on Instagram and I promised to beef up the ticket sales by promoting it all on Best Promos.

This Friday night, I'm taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip, on the Saturday the wife is babysitting for the in-laws, so I'll be staying in with the kids in Ruislip, and the following Friday night I'll be taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip.

Now who's the winner?

Come on.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Man Power / Me Me Me (@manpowermusic)

And finally, our donk remix of that Beatles song is doing better than ever. Almost 100 views in just 4 days is what I call going viral, and unless I'm proved otherwise, it's the ONLY donk remix of any Beatles song ever, so that's something, isn't it?

Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? If I'm not called up by Madonna to do her next album, I'll be very cowin' surprised.

I was going to do a bit about laughing gas being banned, and that the youth of today will now just start tickling each other in alleyways and street corners instead, but it was r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really crap, so I scrapped it.

Until the next time.

Yours sincerely,

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

^ someone needs to do a decent edit of this one ^

Fun Time Friday: Volume 69

Earlier this year I got chummy with a chap in The Beatles (Ringo Starr) and he very kindly hosted the very first Radio Ruislip radio show, which is still the highest rated radio show in Ruislip. We met in a nearby Screwfix, he complimented me on my new trainers and I told him that he was brilliant in Thomas The Tank Engine. We hit it off like a couple of massive lump hammers.

Now, if you've not been living under a rock for the last 24 hours (I love that phrase! LOL) you'll have seen that The Beatles have released a new song called Now And Then. It's a bit boring, and everyone is pretending that they think it's the best thing they've ever heard, and Ringo anticipated this response and sent me the stems of Now And Then ages ago. He emailed them to me in July with a simple message: "Make us a banger, lads. Peace and love. Peace and love."

And thus, and then and there and that is how Best Promos became to be to be the official remixer of The Beatles. Not Erol Alkan, not Four Tet ("4 Tits", I call him) and not Armand Van Helden. Me. Best Promos. Remixing The Beatles.

If John and George were alive today, they'd be so proud of me.

Have a listen and tell me it's not better than the boring original:

It's good, isn't it? I also need to send a big up to Gazza for providing additional vocals and vibes. Cheers Paul. Come on.

Anyway, Best Promos is not all about me, it's about promos. The best ones. Let's have a listen to some.

Last month, DJ Scuba sent me a red record and some stickers and I promised to listen to it and then feature it on Best Promos. And that is what I'm doing now.

Hardcore Heaven II is the follow up to Hardcore Heaven I, also by Scuba, and it's absolutely brilliant.

Have a listen to the clips on Soundcloud:

Scuba · Hardcore Heaven II (previews)

It's good, isn't it? It's good, and I'm actually rubbing your faces in it because you can't actually buy this in the shops or download it anywhere. It's a vinyl only release and it's all sold out, so get stuffed!

My favourite track is Tru Love because of the high-pitched vocals, but again, you can't get hold of this release anywhere, so me going on about it is only going to make you more angry and resentful of Best Promos for owning this record when you never, ever will.

Ever.

Hardcore Heaven II is everything The Prodigy was trying to be in the early 90s and so much more. It gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from the team here at Best Promos.

You can't buy it here: Hardcore Heaven II | Scuba (bandcamp.com)
Follow Scuba on Twitter and on Instagram
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BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

50% off everything today only at Hotflush Bandcamp
Use code nov50 for digital items!

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

Who else do I like? Hmm.

Dispersion PR. They're usually sound people...
...
...
...
...Woah! Say whaaaaa?! Radio Slave has remixed Mouth to Mouth by Audion?? You're joking?!

I’ll always remember the first time I heard Mouth To Mouth. It was September 2006, and I was partying with friends in Berghain at a Cadenza party. Luciano was playing upstairs in the Panorama Bar to a packed dance floor, and I had one of those “what the cowing hell is this” moments when he dropped Mouth to Mouth. It just sounded so unique and absolutely destroyed the dance floor, and I left the club thinking I need this record.

To me, Mouth to Mouth always sounded like a disco record. It’s like Matthew took Funky Town to Detroit, and I think Radio Slave has created a version that has that vibe; modern and with a rich analogue sound. The entire track sounds to me like it was recorded using hardware. I think Radio Slave has added vocals, and I bet it's going to be great fun road-testing this at the club where I first heard Mouth to Mouth 17 years ago. In 2006. In Berghain.

Hang on a minute, after writing that, I had a look at the PR notes and Radio Slave shares almost 100% of my own sentiments on the record! Great minds!

Radio Slave Vs Audion - Mouth to Mouth is so good that I'm going to give it a score of 10/10. Unbelievable record, guys!

Buy it here: Radio Slave Vs Audion - Mouth to Mouth

Follow Radio Slave on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Audion/Matthew Dear on Twitter and on Instagram

Oh. One more thing. Somehow, a live recording of one of our infamous No Requests parties in an unused Ruislip warehouse was leaked onto the Internet last week. I'm not happy that this was recorded and shared because we operate a strict no Dictaphone policy on the door. Someone has obviously snuck one in up their arse because my bouncers are very thorough when it comes to patting down.

Best Promos · Best Promos: LIVE in Ruislip

This was a really bad post, but I've not done anything for a month, so the first one back is always going to be a bit rubbish. I'll be back next week with MORE and MORE and MORE reviews.

Definitely.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Every Blog out of His Humour

Dimple thy cheeks with laughter and dare not exclaim against thee, by pain of death and snarky online sub-Tweets, I beseech you. For Best Promos is the word and the way. Tread in the wake of me and breathe in perennial Paradise until the batteries run out.

Hmm, it wouldn't be perennial then, would it?

Hang on. Just checked my Collins English Gem Dictionary and I was right the first time, the "batteries" line does work after the use of the word, "perennial". Phew. 

Now. Let's listen to some dance music! COME ON!

Space Dimension Controller, when he's not controlling dimensions in space, is ALWAYS making dance music. I think it's his job, poor soul. And this week, he's putting a r-r-r-r-r-really big eight track EP (EP?!) into the shops on the Hypercolour label.

Is it good?

Hell yes it's good!

It's called Na Púcaí and it's definitely good.

I can't find any videos or streams of any of this release anywhere yet, so I've taken the initiative and videoed a bit of my favourite track from my emails:

It's alright, isn't it? That one's called Continuate and I think it's about flying through space or something. I love it. It goes on for six minutes, and I promise you won't get bored by the fourth (minute).

The rest of the album, I mean, EP, sounds a bit similar to Continuate, except some tracks are faster than others and others are a bit slower. Weirdly, some of the tracks don't have any kick drums on, which is ok if you're into Brian Eno and that lot, but not ok if you only like dance music with kick drums in.

Me and all my mates prefer dance music with kick drums in it, but I won't let that get in the way of a MASSIVE 10/10 for Na Púcaí. It's a splendid release and Space Dimension Controller should be feeling extremely proud of himself. Well done, mate * double thumbs up emoji *

Na Púcaí is out on Friday 6 October (I can't believe it's October already!) on Hypercolour Records.

Pre-order it NOW: hypercolour.co.uk/album/na-p-ca
Follow Space Dimension Controller on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Hypercolour on Twitter and on Instagram

Now, we don't just listen to moronic dance music at Best Promos, we are also a gang of culture vultures who are constantly on the lookout for enriching things to do to enrich our lives. Mmm, enrichment.

Do we love the theatre?

Hell yes we love the theatre!

On Saturday night I treated the team here to a trip to Stratford-upon-Avon to see a play by the disgraced Canadian sprinter, Ben Johnson. It was called Every Man out of His Humour and it was being performed at a place called The Bear Pit by a company called Sweet Sorrow. I did have a look for Ben Johnson in the foyer, but I didn't see him...maybe he was in the changing room swallowing a load of performance enhancing drug pills. I don't know.

I also don't know what his play was about. I sat through about two hours of it, but I didn't have a clue what they were all going on about, and for a really clever bloke like me, that was a, that was a, that was a...I don't know what it was, but none of this is to say I didn't enjoy what I wasn't understanding. The acting was brilliant, and if everyone in that cast aren't Academy Award winners in Hollywood by 2030, I'll eat Jamiroquai's hat!

So, Every Man out of His Humour by the druggy runner, Ben Johnson, gets an enhanced 10/10 by the whole team here at Best Promos

I think they've finished the run now, so you can't go and see it and then tell me that you understood it to try and make me feel thick.

Follow Sweet Sorrow Theatre Company on Twitter and on Instagram

Listening to dance music at home is great, right? Right. Listening to dance music in a nightclub is even better, right? Hell yes!

Ok.

How about this: listening to dance music in a nightclub for only five pounds plus a one pound fee to Resident Advisor to cover the cost of providing their ticketing service? Sounds perfect, right? Right. So what's the catch, I can hear you saying. Let me tell you something, readers...there is no catch. Six pounds will get you a ticket to a nightclub in London to hear dance music being played all night long (from 8pm to 1am).

Man Power (real name, Powerful Mann) and Megan Leo (real name, Megan Leo) will be playing at my favourite central London nightspot, The Social, on Saturday 21 October for a party called SWIRL. Unfortunately, I'm in Essex that weekend, so can't make it. I need to organise my life better. There's no point in keeping on writing about clubbing if you're not going to a club more than once every five years.

If you've never heard Megan Leo play before, have a toot on this recent mix by her and her mate:

Megan Leo · Megan Leo presents Swirl on Threads Radio (August 23) - b2b with Stella Z live from Cafe 1001, LDN

It's good, isn't it? It's a bit like the set I played at The Woodman in Ruislip last weekend. I'm trying to foster the Ruislip scene, but it's difficult when all anyone wants to listen to around here is Whitney Houston and Sean Paul.

Anyway, SWIRL at The Social. It'll be a lorra, lorra fun because of the venue and the DJs, and I hope the SWIRL people let me know asap when the next party is so I can sort my calendar out and come down.

Come on.

Buy tickets for only six pounds: SWIRL at The Social
Follow SWIRL on Instagram
Follow Megan Leo on Instagram
Follow Man Power on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow The Social on Twitter and on Instagram

iT'S TIME NOW FOR A NEW FEA...WHOOPS, SORRY. GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON. That's better.

It's time now for a new feature on Best Promos. It's called Interesting Pictures, and what it is is that every week I'm going to scavage around through the bins of the Internet for days on end, looking for the most interesting picture I can find. And it's got to be dance music related. I can't stress that enough. Has to be dance.

This week's Interesting Picture is of top dance writer, Joe Bloggs, I mean, Muggs. Joe Muggs. It's Joe Muggs and Steve "Interesting 147" Davis, the top snooker player and DJ.

I copied and pasted this picture from Joe's Instagram page and enhanced it in Microsoft Paint with some Best Promos corporate branding, and I haven't just invented this new feature to do a retro "interesting" joke about Steve Davis.

Hell no!

LOL! 😂

That new feature stunk, didn't it, readers? Let's have a listen to a bit more dance music and then I'll turn the blog off.

Moody looking baked beans super fans, Ivy Lab, released a couple of new songs the other week and one of them was with Manni Dee. I've liked Manni Dee for years now, so I'm really pleased to see him doing well for himself - even though he's from Wolverhampton (boing boing). That Adidas thing was ace. Ivy Lab have been around for years now, and all, and whenever I put their music on full blast, the boring old lady next door always sends her 7-stone husband around to ask me to turn it down. After laughing in his face, and blowing ganja smoke in his face, I turn his wheelchair around and give him a push to the end of the driveway, still laughing.

They do make me laugh, old people. Have a listen to this:

I had this one on at about 3am the other night, full blast, and I think that's the optimum time to listen to it. It's proper evil sounding, and at that time of night the neighbours are usually too scared to come knocking. Especially if I've got about twenty or thirty Ruislip Hells Angels pepped up on Charlie Chalk and steroids fighting with each other on the driveway, and that's as good a reason as any to whack a big fat 10/10 on top of it. Super stuff, guys.

Ghost x Dead Signal by Ivy Lab / Manni Dee is OUT NOW on Twenty Twenty London.

BUY IT NOW: Ghost x Dead Signal
Follow Ivy Lab on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Manni Dee on Instagram
Follow Twenty Twenty London on Twitter and on Instagram

I'm knackered now. I'll be back next week with Radio Ruislip. I've been having a few problems with the guest host, Eminem. He keeps swearing, so I might have to ask Ringo Starr if he can step in again.

Bye bye.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Best Promos · Radio Ruislip: Episode 1