My Lenten journey continues this week, brothers and sisters. It feels like an eternity since a drop of lager last passed my lips and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm missing the warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon you get when you're about nine pints deep. Mmm. Lager. I can't wait for Easter. I'm going to get absolutely terminated. Eastcote will be rocking.
So, as a substitute for getting paralytic, I've been watching a lot of UK road rage compilations on YouTube and thinking back to all of the different drugs I've tried in my life and how they've lifted my spirits on the dancefloor. Of a nightclub. If you're reading this and have never taken a drug before, you really should give it a go. They're great, they won't get you into trouble with the police or your family AND they're cheap! What's not to love?
Here's The Best Promos Guide to Drugs:
THE BEST PROMOS GUIDE TO DRUGS
Ecstasy E Tablets
Price: £5 per pill
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Dance Drugs
Ecstasy E Tablets (or E, if you're using text speak) are little white tablets with funny faces and shapes stamped onto the top of them to appeal to the youngsters. All you need to do is swallow between a half and two tablets at a time with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on E as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
Squidgy black
Price: £15 per ounce
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Spliff
Squidgy black is the most dangerous of all weed, so it's probably the best. I think I smoked it once, at my old neighbour's flat whilst we enjoyed an episode of Match of the Day together. I don't smoke fags or vape, so I don't really know if Squidgy black and spliff is that good, I'm not sure if I inhaled it properly, but I definitely had the famous munchies the following morning - I went down the greasy spoon and gobbled up a full English breakfast with chips and fried bread!
Glue
Price: £2.95 for a pack of 3 on Amazon
Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy glue from a dealer: Sticky Bizz (short for Sticky Business)
Aerosols
Price: £14.99 for a pack of 14 on Amazon
Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy aerosol from a dealer: The Tin Man
Everyone goes on in a r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really hilarious way about Lynx Africa every Christmas, but when I was a kid, just starting out on my druggy adventures, Lynx Oriental was the aerosol of choice to huff through our socks around the back of the local Labour Club on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands. Yes, tooting on aerosols, petrol cans and the grim dusting on Zippos was something we ALL* did on the estate and, if I may say so, it never did us any harm. Give it a go, kids. It gives you the dizzy giggles AND it makes you smells nice.
Cocaine
Price: £50 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Charlie Chalk
If you're rich and posh or aspiring to be, this is the drug to go for. All of the Hollywood hunks snort it on set, all of the super models rub it into their gums before hitting the runway. Rod Stewart even sticks it up his jacksie when he's in the studio! It's the crème de la crème of powder and it's here to stay. When Best Promos starts hitting more than a hundred views per post, I'm going to treat the team here and celebrate with about twenty grams of Charlie Chalk down the Met Bar, and there's NOTHING you can do to stop me!
Ketamine
Price: £40 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Balding's Choice
Ketamine is the weirdest drug on the market, or is it magic mushrooms? It's one or the other, trust me. When you've shoved a few lines of this stuff up your nose you can listen to music and move the components of the song around the room like they're those question mark blocks on Super Mario 3, which is a lorra lorra fun. The only down side of doing Ketamine is that you don't know who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are or when you are. Other than that, it's kickin'!
Lager
Price: £6.95 per pint in London, £2.18 everywhere else in the UK
Street slang to use when trying to impress the busty barmaid: Columbian Marching Juice
When Chris Morris claimed that alcohol's "not a drug, it's a drink", he was talking out of his ring piece. I'm sorry, but he was. It is a drug because Bill Hicks said it was on every single stand up routine he ever did, and he's American. Lager is the best drug on the market. It blurs your vision, slurs your speech, makes you think you can batter bouncers, dulls all of your senses and it's more expensive than ever, so you feel like you're really having a top notch, extravagant time. Bring it on!
M.D.M.A.
Price: £60 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Man In The Mirror
M.D.M.A. (or Mandy, if you're using text speak) are little white crystals in a little see-through plastic bag. All you need to do swallow some of it with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on Man In The Mirror as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL
The only drawback on eating M.D.M.A. is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.
How's about that then for a useful guide? Watch out, Talk To Frank! LOL. It only took me twelve minutes and two seconds for me to finish it, and all.
Whilst writing all of that I had the new Radio Slave song on in the background which, weirdly, comes in at exactly 12:02! It's a really good song, it's called Strobe Queen and it tells the story of Trevor Fenwick. Trevor is a young, closeted gay chap in the Bronx with big dreams. Struggling with his sexuality in a macho 1970s household in the projects, his only outlet is putting some red lipstick on, dressing up in women's clothes and going to Studio 54 to dance in a hanging fluffy cage whilst Grace Jones and Andy Warhol snort Charlie Chalk off the saddles of the horses on the dance floor below. Strobe Queen eloquently illustrates Trevor's feelings of acceptance, delirium, ecstasy and confusion in ways that words could never (illustrate). As the seductive and low slung piano lines gradually drag you further into the beat, Trevor drags himself further into drag and when you close your eyes around the 7 minute mark, you can actually see him voguing on the dancefloor next to Ru Paul and kissing with topless skinheads and married body-poppers. Blindly unaware of the havoc AIDS was about to wreak on the City That Never Sleeps, Trevor and his chums see out the remains of the song in a haze of warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Some might call that feeling love.
I don't. I call it warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Have a listen to it:
Strobe Queen is the perfect song for the perfect times we're living in right now, and it gets a warm 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos HQ.
Strobe Queen is OUT NOW on Rekids.
Buy it here: rekids/strobe-queen
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Follow Trevor Fenwick on Twitter (yes, he's real!): @TrevorStrobeQueen69
That was a really good post, even if doing a drugs guide is something Josh Baines at Thump would have done ten years ago. LOL. You've gotta love it!
I was going to write a section on heroin (aka chasing dragons), but I didn't want us to be responsible for someone getting into that kind of thing.
I'll be back next week with some more dance music reviews. If anyone has any better promo lists, please stick me on them. All I'm hearing on HYPE Filter at the moment is moody drum and bass, dark soundscapes and CRAP bass.
I'm going to ask Santa this year to get my email address on the promo list for Running Back.
THIS email address:
*like glue, I never actually did this.
Excellent guide to drugs. I’ll definitely be asking my dealer for some ‘dance drugs’ next time I visit the local disco. (Kids: if you’re not sure, ecstacy E tablets are definitely the best drugs to try - they’re grrrrrrrilliant.
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