Old Men Start It, Young Men Fight It, Nobody Wins, Everybody In The Middle Dies, And Nobody Tells The Truth

I know I was moaning about how crap the weather was last year, and that we all need a long, hot summer, but I don't fancy a nuclear tan in 2022, Vlad. Calm down, mate, it's not worth it - and whilst the team here at Best Promos would love to take Liz Truss's challenge to take up arms (and bazookas), travel to Ukraine and get stuck into some high-end military pagga with the Russians, we simply can't. None of our passports are up-to-date, unfortunately, so we have to stay in Eastcote and support the cause in different ways.

How?

Well, the tech team here have, in the last few days, successfully applied to join Anonymous. The back-end geeks who keep this blog running have been working 24-hour shifts to ensure the following tasks and assaults are carried out in the name of justice and UK social media banter:

• RECODING of Putin's big red button to play the Family Fortunes buzzer instead of launching an atom bomb
• DDOS attacks against Vladimir Putin's computer
• HACKING of the official Kremlin digital DAB radio
• DEPLOYMENT of billions of botnet cyber malware agents to be installed on all Russian military rocket launchers, hand-grenades, chain guns and bazookas
• SPAMMING of the Russian equivalents of ITV, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, ITVBe, CITV and ITV +1
• CRACKING of all Russian code in order to annoy all Russian coders
• SHUTDOWN of all Bandcamp pages operating from inside Moscow
• WHITE HAT ethical malicious kerberos cyber HTTP anti-drives on all Russian-based Pioneer DJ controllers to switch Rekordbox with Serato Pro, and vice versa.

I made the last one up. LOL. They can't stop us laughing.

Perc · Scalameriya - Warbeast (Perc Trax)

To expand, Best Promos, along with Anonymous, have made the new Scalameriya song, Warbeast, play on a continuous loop on the Russian equivalent of ITV, so that when Putin wants to watch Улица Коронации, he is met with the full force of the latest Perc Trax hit single. If he tries to change channel to whatever their BBC One is, he is then met with the tough beats and warped vocals of Kiti Kimera, also by Scalameriya. By now, Putin is getting angry and orders his Chancellor of the Exchequer to bring him a cup of tea, but when the switch is flicked on the kettle it doesn't boil the water...it immediately starts to play the collapsing synth riffs of Elder Venus out of the spout, which is again by Scalameriya.

Panicking and confused - and still angry - the Russian president reaches for the 'on' button of the Kremlin digital radio and desperately stabs at it with one of his sausage fingers. Expecting to hear Smooth Radio, he is instead met with eleven tracks of cybernetic, synthetic techno that still has a warm heart at its core. Yes, we have hacked his digital radio so that it plays the full pre-release of Aeon Core by Scalameriya on Perc Trax.

Whilst still incredibly angry, Putin can't help thinking that this is an album that perfectly balances intricacy, rhythm and power, and if he were to give it a score out of ten, he'd have no option but to go with a WHOPPING 10/10.

Still, the dozy shit-house reaches for the Nuke Everyone button on his desk...

Not today, Vlad, not today.

Aeon Core by Scalameriya is out on Perc Trax this Friday, 4 March 2022

Pre-order it here: Aeon Core by Scalameriya

Follow Scalameriya on Twitter: @Scalameriya

Follow Perc Trax on Twitter: @PercTrax

Speaking of really evil sounding music, HYPE Filter sent me some MP3s of the new/old CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Blank Mind (was originally out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME when I was 11-years old). I was in a good mood after writing the stuff above about Putin off the cuff, but this stuff has sent me down a psychedelic wormhole of paranoia and bad nostalgia. In 2004, I sat on the sofa in my 2-bed Muswell Hill pad that I was renting, settled down with a few cans of Stella and did some magic mushrooms that I'd bought in Camden Market with a chum. About half an hour in, my Nokia 3310 went, I answered it and heard the devil say my name in quite a nasty way, and that was it: eight or nine hours of horror.

I was seeing Freddy Krueger's face everywhere I looked: up the walls, on the floor, all over the tiles in the bathroom, on my lap. It was a feeling not too dissimilar to that of being blasted in the brain with a bazooka. Sick stuff. At one point, I decided to go for a walk to Toff's, thinking a bag of chips and a bottle of pop would sort me out, but as I stumbled around the block, it felt like I was descending into Hell...Muswell Hell - LOL. I sat on the wall opposite the church and ate my chips, feeling really sorry for myself.

What finally helped was the VHS of Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge I had. I stuck it on early evening and my mood lifted. Imagine watching that in the middle of summer on a mushroom downer and you'll be imagining the unimaginable "absolute gem for those who know urban, British psychedelic music" of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME. Not my words, Carol, those are the words of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Discogs.

For pure evilness and the trippy, mongy horribleness of it all (in a good way) I'll have to award this release a fab 10/10 !!! Well done, CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME.

It's out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME, but God knows how you pre-order it. If I see some Soundcloud or Bandcamp links appearing anywhere soon, I'll share in future posts because it's a CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME and you should defo get behind it - and Blank Mind have a proper cool logo. I reckon who ever came up with it watched a lot of Central News as a kid.

Here's the Blank Mind Bandcamp page anyway: Blank Mind

Follow Blank Mind on Twitter: @BlankMindLabel

I don't know what else I've been listening to this week. Some other stuff from HYPE Filter, but I haven't sat down and concentrated on them yet; Oliver Coates, Violet. I'll get around to them soon. I know (!), I had the Daniel Avery track, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix), on the other day whilst I made some lemon curd on toast and a cup of tea for breakfast. I opened the windows, pumped up the volume and shared it with the neighbours. The bin men were all high-fiving one another and jauntily strutting around to the beat as they struggled with the weight of my food waste, a bit like a small swarm of crows trying to carry a massive bazooka.

At five minutes and twenty five seconds, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel 'Drone Logic' Avery is the perfect length to brew a cuppa, toast two slices of bread and then spread on enough butter and lemon curd to satisfy your needs. It won't be long enough for you to eat the toast and drink the tea, though. I'd suggest following the Daniel Avery track with Sad Days by Oliver 'Skream' Jones.

SKREAMIZM · Skream - 'Sad Days'

Sad Days is seven minutes and eighteen seconds long, more than enough time to comfortably eat two slices of toast and finish your cup of tea, and - weirdly - it came out exactly seven days before Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix). Very spooky.

Also, both songs have that melancholy/sadness sounding thing that loads of DJs like to end a mix CD with. Cheer up, fellas! But that is so weird, eh, readers??

If I had to, and I don't have to (but I will), I'd give both releases a retrospective 10/10 each.

Buy Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel Avery here: THIS LINK HERE

Buy Sad Days by Skream: THIS LINK HERE

Follow Daniel Avery on Twitter: @DanielMarkAvery

Follow Skream on Twitter: @I_Skream

I'm logging off now. Bye.

Email me YOUR best promos, or stick me on your mailing list or something: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter: @BestPromos4Eva

Dance War IX

I hate the Internet. I was going to start this post with the hilarious premise that I'd just seen Ronnie Pickering, Jason Wells and the Wealdstone Raider at Heathrow, buying return (because they're definitely coming back, mate) tickets for Moscow. I found the idea of them going to knock out Putin in his own backyard, giving it the big 'un to the Russian soldiers, stopping World War III before it's already begun (oh, it has) and then swaggering back to the UK highly amusing.

I typed "Ronnie Pickering" into the search box on Twitter and about fourteen million people have already had him rocking up at the Ukrainian border. I don't think anyone has done a Jason Wells joke, though, so that makes me feel better about myself.

I remembered Jason Wells *proud face emoji*

Let's check out my inbox. Lots of emails from HYPE Filter that I haven't dealt with yet. Sorry, guys.

Hey, I was skateboarding around Shoreditch last night and I overheard a couple of hipsters in Hoxton Square bigging up the upcoming release on Fine Grains Records. One of them was casually styling his Hoxton fin and using a lot of trendy slang words; "Herman's upcoming r-r-r-r-release on Fine Grains R-R-R-R-R-Records is so bad - as in good!"

His mate arrogantly adjusted his Erol Makes The Kids Dance t-shirt, tucking it into his flared green and white houndstooth Farah trousers, his breath stinking of CK One; "Yeah, man. With pumping clubs like Egg, The End, The Cross and Plastic People starting to re-open, the Narcissus EP by Herman lands at the perfect moment. It is definitely not meh, you get me? What did you think of the tracks, bro?"

Then they just went back and forth a bit;

"Well, I r-r-r-r-r-r-really like Sol because it takes on a heady m-m-m-m-m-mix of tribal drums, haunting distorted vocal snippets and teasing breakbeats."

"And this is the essence of the Narcissus EP, as we go further down the rabbit hole into Herman’s world of deep myoclonus percussion. It's all that AND a bag of chips!"

"Yeah, it's r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really phat, man. Herman’s tale is furthered with r-r-r-r-r-remixes by two exciting emergent production talents - Holloway from the UK and Zohar in the Netherlands. The emphasis r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-remains on drums, slipping into some classic drums and bass flavour with Holloway and a powerful m-m-m-m-modern breakbeat r-r-r-r-re-shake from Zohar - her first ever r-r-r-r-r-r-r-remix!

"Let's NOT take a chill pill here, buddy, I'm totally buggin'. Narcissus is a call to arms for a return to those dark and sweaty nights we once shared with strangers on dance floors and dingy basements across the globe. Let’s get back to it. Anyway, let's bounce now...that dweeb from Best Promos is watching us again. He looks a bit evil."

I smirked, winked at them and evaporated, rematerialising shortly afterwards back at the Best Promos office in Eastcote to write up what I'd just overheard.

I really wanted Herman to be from Germany, but he's not. Herman the...Dutch, Surrey-based producer has got his Narcissus EP coming out on Thursday 24 March 2022 on Fine Grain Records, and I give it a M-M-M-M-M-MASSIVE 10/10

Pre-order it here: Narcissus EP
Follow Fine Grains on Twitter: @FineGrainsLabel

I received an email from Soul Clap yesterday with the subject header, New release from Soul Clap Records. I talked about this two weeks ago, regarding Disco Halal. I love the effort and the personalisation that my favourite record labels put in these days with me. Maybe it's because they know I'm writing a dance music review blog and they want me on side. People say that Andrew Weatherall was the first person in dance to write personalised notes to his fans, but I never received one. Did you?

Case closed.

I'm not on a Soul Clap Records promo list, so after clicking on the link that Bamboozle and Lonely C sent to me, I spent $6 on pre-ordering the EP and $2 on the one digital track available to purchase pre-release of the EP in full by the artist before the rest of the EP is available to purchase in full ahead of when that is. I hadn't even had a look to see who the artist is or what the song sounds like, THAT'S how much I trust Soul Clap Records and Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb. Like Disco Halal and Running Back, you really can't go wrong with anything they put out.

After downloading the MP3, I had a listen and conducted some valuable research. It's a chap from Israel called Orio who made some really good music in Hong Kong during the 2020 Coronavirus-19 Pandemic.

Lost Dog is vocal funky shoulder-pad techno at it's very best, with licking guitar licks, a bassline that will live in your tummy for at least a month and a couple of people telling you to be gentle over and over and over again. I'll go gentle with the score I'm about to award it...a 10/10 !!!

It's out on Friday 25 March 2022

Pre-order Lost Dog by Orio here: Lost Dog EP

Follow Soul Clap on Twitter: @SoulClap

I do love a Kit Kat, so imagine how pleased I was to receive a promotional copy of the latest Vigliensoni album on Chez.Kito.Kat Records.

Kito Kat sounds a bit like Kit Kat, doesn't it, readers?

However, Clastic Music by Vigliensoni is as far away removed from taking a well-earned break at work with a Kit Kat as I am from a cuddle with 90s heart-throbs, Jordan and Jo Guest - it's that different and unobtainable. No, not unobtainable. That's not the word I was looking for, but I hope you understand what I mean.

Listening to Clastic Music is NOTHING like eating a Kit Kat. See if you can sit through this until the end:

vigliensoni ▂▂▅▅▇▇▓▓ · Shale (Edit)

That gave me a headache, and I'm not being funny, but the rest of the album is like this.

The promo letter that came with the music says that the album’s narrative progression is smooth, yet relentless, building large sonic spaces through deep rhythmic atmospheres, thick walls of bass, and incrementally layered melodies and textures, but if you ask me, it's the kind of music you'd enthusiastically play to a psychiatrist in order to get sectioned and chucked in the loony bin, and for that reason alone it has to be a 10/10

It's out on Thursday 7 March 2022

Pre-order it here: Clastic Music

I can't find Chez.Kito.Kat or Vigliensoni on Twitter, but if anyone reading this knows them, please forward this review on with my kindest regards. Ta.

I'll finish today's sermon with a pictorial review of the avant-garde, incredibly well-rehearsed and definitely not boring Damon Albarn gig I went to at The Barbican on Tuesday night (which gets a 10/10 from me for, if nothing else, blowing a digeridoo at the front row for a couple of minutes at the beginning).

I wasn't asleep, I was resting my eyes.

Email me YOUR best promos on: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me YOUR best promos on: @BestPromos4Eva

See you next time...or will I?

Dance Music Belly Laughs

With Europe on the brink of World War III, the UK limping on with a comedy Prime Minister, British storms blowing our British bins all over the road and Louis Theroux's new series not being as good as I wanted it to be, I couldn't bring myself to sit down and earnestly review anything today. Grave thoughts weigh too heavily on my massive mind, and I can't concentrate on the fab new promos I've been sent by HYPE Filter, so I'm shoving them all to one side and coming up with some light-hearted zingers, a few hilarious look-a-likes and the odd viral meme!

Today's post should really get the worldwide audience of Best Promos forgetting their troubles and laughing again.

Don't forget to share this on your social media channels to raise awareness under the hashtags: #DanceComedy and #LaughingMyHeadOff

Ok, here we go. Imagine I'm sat on a chair like Ronnie Corbett, clapping and smirking...

A young man wearing a Shamen t-shirt and carrying an A4-sized CHOON placard swaggers into a venue and sidles up to an older gentleman who's minding his own business. The youngster lifts his geometric, metal-framed sunglasses on top of his green dreadlocks and shouts with a transatlantic accent in the older man's good ear.

"Woooaaaaah there! Woooosh. Can you feel it? Yeah, man. Amazing beats in this joint!"

"Joint? You want a joint?"

"What? No thanks, man, I don't smoke. It's the only thing I don't do! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"No, a joint. Do you want a joint or not? A joint? There is no smoking in here, except for the ham. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But I can get you a joint if that's what you came in for."

"What? Where am I? I thought this was the Creamfields festival dance tent!"

"No, you're in the Manor Butchery in Ruislip."

"Wow. These love doves are strong, man. I didn't realise what was going on."

"I wouldn't know about that, Ted. So, a joint of beef or a joint of pork?"

"Jeepers, man, slow down. Let's just hug for a minute. I feel like we have a connection...don't you?"

The young man and the old man share a long, firm cuddle, occasionally moving their hands up to platonically massage each other's scalps, the sound of Steppa's Ball by Monkey Mafia enveloping them both as the scouse hoards lift them up, crowd surfing them towards the Big Beat stage and a state of euphoria and shared transcendence neither of them had ever experienced before. They were in the Creamfields festival dance tent after all, and the old man was actually the young female presenter of CLUBAVISION on ITV!

LOL!!! What a twist!

Have you ever noticed that we've only just finished Coronavirus-19 and now it's World War III?! What's the deal with that? Can we not have a year off, at least? When World War III is done, what's next, foot and mouth disease again, or back and neck? I mean, come on. The only foot and mouth disease I wanna see is Boris Johnson's foot...in Vladimir Putin's mouth! And did you ever notice, foot and mouth disease didn't actually do anything to your feet or mouth? As far as I could see, foot and mouth was a disease that made animals do a playground pile on and spontaneously combust! I mean, come on! Oh no, sorry, I've just Googled it, I was wrong:

Symptoms of hand, foot, and mouth disease usually include fever, mouth sores, and skin rash commonly found on the hands, mouth, and/or feet. Hand, foot, and mouth disease is common in infants and children younger than 5 years old. Most children have mild symptoms for 7 to 10 days.

LOL!!! It's the way I tell 'em!

Some people come up to me in the street as I'm eating my vegan bacon double cheeseburger and caring for the community minorities in Eastcote, point at my Cancer Research badge and tell me that I'm "woke".

Hell yes, I'm woke! Every morning I wake up...so I guess I'm woke!

LOL!!! You can't argue with logic!

I was buying a ticket to go and see my favourite UK rock n roll band, Guns 2 Roses in Bilston the other day when it struck me that they look just like the members of the American rock n roll band, Guns n Roses!

LOL!!! I know, I know, they're a tribute band! I'm just being silly. LOL.

Buy tickets for Guns 2 Roses at The Robin, Bilston, here: Guns 2 Roses - 23 June 2022
Follow Guns 2 Roses on Twitter: @Guns2RosesUK

I say, I say, I say, I'm listening to the latest Savage Serenity mix on Threads*Hillingdon as I write this. It's absolutely fabulous and I am very much enjoying it. However, it's not as upbeat as I need on a day like today. It's very serious, but some of it sounded like the PlayStation 4 background/loading music - so that made me feel good.

If I were to make one suggestion to the DJ...TIM: get yourself a posse. Tell some jokes and amusing anecdotes in between tracks and have your posse bigging you up on air. Trust me, it'll get you noticed. Get a few jingles. Have you ever heard of an ambient/noise DJ who does phone-ins and quizzes? No. Be the first. Here's a free joke from me for you to include in your next show:

I'm not saying ambient music is boring, but I put some Brian Eno on at nine o'clock last night, I blinked and the next thing I heard was the alarm clock. It was six o'clock in the morning! I'd fallen asleep!

LOL!!! Behind every joke, there is a little bit of truth!

Follow the best ambient/noise DJ in the whole of Hillingdon on Twitter: @tmewlsn
Listen to Threads, it's good: Threads Radio

NFTs. Everyone is talking about NFTs. I made my own unique NFT on the Best Promos blockchain with the help of the Monkey Mafia Billionaire NFT Crew in Walsall. It's called, All Kicked Off, and it's a political comment on the state of capitalism AND a unique NFT.

Please don't save it as a jpeg because it's actually retailing at £13,000 because it's unique. Join the bidding war by sending your Dogecoins and Bitcoins to dsger69-monk3y-maf1a69-crpnft-sht1980

LOL!!! NFT stands for non-fungible token, but I wrote Not For Turning!

Speaking of Walsall, I heard there was an earthquake there last night...caused about fifteen quid's worth of damage!

LOL!!! Here's a meme I created for you to share on WhatsApp:

I'm running out of steam now, here's another very funny lookalike, though...

Kramer out of Seinfeld looks a bit like Spock off of Star Trek, doesn't he?

LOL!!! If you squint!

I say, I say, I say, did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to, "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

LOL!!! Not sure if I'll get away with that, it's a bit offensive towards people with speech disorders. S-s-s-sorry!

I'm going to bugger off and have some lunch now. I've got some ham, some bread, some cheese and some pickle in the house. And some crisps.

Next time, I'll be getting back to the business of serious dance music reviews. I'll be looking at the new/old Earth Leakage Trip EP and some other artists I've never, ever heard of.

If YOU have any unsigned music you'd like reviewing and showcased on here, get in touch.

If YOU are a successful and established artist or DJ and want a site other than RA, Mixmag, etc. to review it, get in touch. Nobody reads this, but it'll be a more interesting write-up...I think.

Bigging myself up now, who needs a posse?!

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

----------------------------------------------------------

"Encore! Encore!!!"

Ok, ok. One last joke. This was sent to me by my best friend, and favourite stand-up comedian, Russell Howard. Hold on to your sides, guys!

LOL!!! Goodnight, everybody!

I 8 Wolves

Whenever I feel down in the dumps, I pick up my signed first edition of The Secret DJ Book Two, slowly glide my fingers across the black and vibrant glossy cover, close my eyes and wonder where the Secret DJ is playing right now, wishing I was sharing an intense b2b cocktail bar set with him or her on a Goa beach. I meditate for what feels like literally ninety seconds, mindlessly and soulfully caressing the culturally entertaining tome in my strangely appealing hands before the sound of our bins toppling over outside suddenly snaps me out of it in a very sudden, snapping way - Storm Dudley or Storm Eunice has hit Eastcote. I then squint and summon all of my remaining strength to tap my favourite ping pong ball up in the air for five minutes or so with the book, the book...The Secret DJ Book Two.

This activity always lifts my spirits enough for me to turn my PC on and listen to some more promos from HYPE Filter. They're the only ones sending me stuff at the moment. I'm not complaining, but if there are any other promo shops who want their music pushed and honestly reviewed on the best written blog in the whole of Ruislip, email me here:

bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Also, buy The Secret DJ Book Two on Velocity Press: The Secret DJ BOOK TWO

I tried to get on the Special Requests list the other day, but I was politely declined for not being a proper DJ. It was a disappointing set back, but fair enough. I'll keep flirting with labels like Heavenly, Running Back, Pampa, Jin, etc., and see what happens. In the mean time, we continue with this load of old rubbish unique dance blog.

I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I can't keep up with Roman Flügel! I've been a big fan of his for years. He's a top, top DJ, he's a top, top producer, I like his name, he looks cool - a bit like an Andy Warhol who eats his greens - and I follow him on Bandcamp, so when the Mega EP popped up last week, I happily put my hands in my pockets and paid a fiver for the WAVs. Mega has the best opening track to any EP I've listened to in ages, no wonder he called it Mega; it's mega! It starts with one of them 80s synth stab noises, follows with bars and bars of galloping cowbells, fast drums and loads of jolly bass lines and synths. It's nostalgic, yet futuristic. It's like F.T. Marinetti minus the fascism.

What comes next is Rules. It's slower than Mega, and if I look at my notes I can see that I've compared it to So... by Soft Cell. Listening back, I'm not sure of that any more, it's still a good song, though.

Song title-wise, after Rules, Roman Flügel gets really lazy. The last three tracks are called Film 1, Film 2 and Film 3! I'm not being funny, but come on. I mean. Err. KWIM?! Jeeeeeez. I would have used my imagination and called them:

• Film
• Netflix And Chill
• Popcorn Dreams (Where I Wanna Be)

Film 1 and Film 2 are both fast-paced electronica tracks, and you could easily play them in a set to thousands of dance fans in a field as the sun comes up, or something. I'm not sure. I haven't got a clue what's going on in Film 3; sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's fast, and I don't know what time signature it's sitting on, but it's still fab.

Running Back Records · Roman Flügel - Mega (preview)

I love Roman Flügel and I love this Mega EP, I'll give it a healthy 10/10

Buy Mega here: Mega EP

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

When I said earlier that I can't keep up with Roman Flügel, I meant this:

On Monday, another little pop-up popped up on my computer screen to say that Roman Flügel had released ANOTHER EP, Desperate Housemen. After scrabbling around for another five pound note, I listened to Desperate Housemen all day on a loop whilst reading The Secret DJ Book Two (and what a read, by the way - especially the chapter at the beginning called Praise for the Secret DJ. If selected extracts of this blog aren't used in Praise for the Secret DJ in The Secret DJ Book Nine, I'll be knocked sideways by a wisp of cotton candy). Anyway, Desperate Housemen, like Mega, is another excellent addition to my external SSD drive. It's more clubby than Mega, so I'll be playing it at home on my little Pioneer controller and pretending that I'm a headliner at Printworks. At the end of the day, I went to bed and dreamed of the time Erol Alkan played Parade d'amour at Wide Awake last year.

I'll give Desperate Housemen a BANGING 10/10

Buy it here: Desperate Housemen

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

When I woke up, there was a notification on phone to say that Roman Flügel had released something else! I opened it up and there was an EP called Cookie Dust staring back at me, the displaced, missing chocolate chips disconsolately wondering where they are as the waved lines of flour whip themselves sensually and medically around the soft-angled baked dough, transforming the object of the viewer's, hmm, desire, to that of a heart organ - the artist playfully deceiving our Neanderthal eyes and forcing us to imagine a colourful/colourless future world where one would not love with all of our heart a chocolate chip cookie. It's a very powerful image, and it is one that will sit with me until I'm a dead body.

I'd say Cookie Dust is more similar to Mega, in that it's not as full-on dancefloor as Desperate Housemen. It's even got a hip-hop type instrumental thing on track 2 called Thank You Jack, which is no bad thing. I'm going to play that at home and pretend I'm warming up for DJ Yoda at Spiritland.

Live At Robert Johnson · Roman Flügel - Thank You Jack (Snippet)

Well, if I had a gun to my head, I'd have to award Cookie Dust with a pure 10/10

Buy it here: Cookie Dust

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

Next Tuesday, I'm going to watch Damon Albarn out of Blur at The Barbican and then go home, have a cup of tea, catch up on Celebs Go Dating and get a good night's sleep. Or am I? I'm definitely going to see Damon Albarn out of Blur, but I'm not sure if I'll be going directly home afterwards because, you understand, The Social Tweeted this the other day:

As you can see, I retweeted it to my hundreds of followers, so I'm not sure if there'll be any tickets left after that push, to be honest, but it'll be worth a try. You can't argue with Man Power, you can't argue with Juan Maclean, you can't argue with a venue like The Social and you certainly can't argue with Megan Leo.

I might come and steal some more beer mats. Actually, I've just remembered one of my favourite all time tracks by Juan Maclean. If they can confirm TODAY that they'll be playing this one, I'll definitely come down and spend an absolute fortune on bucks fizz AND lager and crisps. We can then put a photo of the receipt on social media. Listen:

Check out the details and tickets here: Me Me Me School Night Showcase

Follow Man Power on Twitter: @Man_Power_Music

Follow Juan Maclean on Twitter: @juanmaclean

Follow The Social on Twitter: @thesociallondon

Follow Damon Albarn on Twitter: @Damonalbarn

Over the next few days, I'll be listening to the new Transparências LP by Violet, the new Narcissus EP by Herman and the new Clastic Music album by vigliensoni. I'll be honest, I've never heard of any of these people, but I've been sent the promos, and I've downloaded the WAVs, so it would be impolite of me not to listen to them all in full and thoroughly review them on here.

WOULDN'T IT?

Email me YOUR best promos: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

We All Love You. You Are Amazing.

BACK ONCE AGAIN FOR THE RENEGADE MASTER, DEE FOR DAMAGER, POWER TO THE PEOPLE.

BACK ONCE AGAIN FOR THE RENEGADE MASTER, DEE FOR DAMAGE WITH THE BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!

They don't write them like that anymore, ladies and gentlemen. That, of course, is Renegade Master by Wildchild. And when I think about that song, it gets me thinking about dance music in general. Generals are people in the army, and a General, for all intents and purposes, is a Controller of an army, isn't he or she? I sometimes wonder if there'll ever be a controller of Space...or maybe there is already a Space Controller in another Dimension that we don't know about yet...

...what I like about Space Dimension Controller is his commitment to the stage name. Not only does he call himself Space Dimension Controller, but he makes futuristic dance music that sounds like it was made in the future and he gives them spacey names like Space Grunt - my favourite track off this release...hang on a minute; it was my favourite song, but I've just had a listen to Tiraquon Acid. What a fun tune! It sounds like it should be the theme for an early level of a Fester's Quest remake on the PS5, you know when you're still learning what the different buttons do and it's easy enough to kill the baddies. It's a lorra, lorra fun (the music, not the game).

The whole of this album is very good. Every track on it has all the dance music elements you need to get you dancing. You've got your percussion, your basslines, your synths, your sound effects, the lot. It's all jumbled in together, and the way Space Dimension Controller arranges it is simply breathtaking. It really does make you sit up, stand up and eventually dance. No, it makes you immediately dance.

Space Dimension Controller · Space Dimension Controller - Tiraquon Acid Funk

I caught up with Space Dimension Controller in my favourite booth at the Eastcote Wimpy to quiz him on this crazy new album. I paid for a slap-up meal for two and we talked shop like two old generals, or controllers, from Mikrosector-50 discussing which space war they enjoyed the most, and in which dimension. Sorry...

"Space Dimension Controller, what was your idea for Tiraquon Recordings and the Vol.1 compilation?"

"My idea for Tiraquon Recordings and the Vol.1 compilation was to release non-conceptual dance floor focused music that have a higher energy and BPM than the usual Space Dimension Controller sound that many have come to expect. By drip-feeding the singles, I wanted to build towards a full vinyl compilation at the end with some new tracks as a bonus. We delayed the release as I wanted to make sure the tracks are able to be experienced the way they were supposed to be, in clubs and at festivals."

"Thanks."

Tiraquon Recordings Vol.1 by Space Dimension Controller comes out on Friday 25 March 2022, and you will be able to buy it from his website or Bandcamp or something.

SDC website: tiraquon6.net

SDC Bandcamp: SpaceDimensionController.bandcamp.com

Follow Space Dimension Controller on Twitter: @tiraquon

Ooh. I almost forgot, it's St. Valentine's Day today! Happy Valentine's Day, readers, I hope you're all having a romantic one. The guys at Best Promos treated me this year to a 400 piece jigsaw of one of my favourite babes, Dani Behr, to get me in the mood for writing about love and dance music, but I'm struggling for inspiration, to be honest - or maybe I'm just too distracted by Dani Behr's corners!

I'd highly recommend a Dani Behr 400 piece jigsaw, it's only about £30, and all. Bargain! 10/10

Buy a Dani Behr jigsaw here: RED HOT XXX CELEBRITY JIGSAWS

Follow Dani Behr on Twitter: @BehrDani

I broke my wrist a few weeks ago, so it's quite difficult typing with one hand. I'm right-handed, and it was my right wrist that broke...in two places. I deserve a medal for keeping this blog going without my dominant hand for the best part of a month. Will I get one, though? Of course not. I should cut myself some slack and take my foot off the pedal a bit, I'm tired. I'm going to cheat now and copy and paste an entire PR email. Chortle!

INNATE PROMO

Cat No: INNATE005
Artist: Mark Hand & Neil Iceton
Title: A Holiday In Beta Centauri
Label: Innate
Release Date: 4th March 2022

Way back in the 1990s, Mark Hand, Neil Iceton and Jez Nicholl founded the Teesside branch of the Underground Resistance fan club, channelling their love of sci-fi-fired Motor City techno into a string of inspired releases under the Cubic Space Collective alias.

Sadly, the UR fan club didn’t last – it was disbanded in 2007 after their fax machine broke – but Hand, Iceton and Nicholl did reunite for a memorable machine jam at Freerotation in 2016. Fired-up by the experience, the Hand & Iceton headed back into the studio and recorded ‘Holiday in Beta Centauri’, a musical love letter to Mad Mike and the rest of Detroit’s most militant futurist techno crew.

The four tracks on show were all recorded by Hand & Iceton – possibly while wearing balaclavas in tribute to UR – during a sole studio session. They first send us surging skywards via ‘Binary System’, where lilting lead lines, fizzing electronics and enveloping chords dance atop a snappy, cymbal-heavy drum machine rhythm, before ‘Arps in Hyperspace’ sees them step things up a notch via layered sci-fi synths, sparkling melodies and a driving, hyper-speed groove.

After entering the orbit of a distant planet, the North-East-based twosome attempt to warm us to the core via ‘Rigil’, where restless organ stabs, undulating Michigan bass, alien electronics, psychedelic acid lines and Galaxy 2 Galaxy style chords catch the ear. Before bringing us gently back down to earth, Hand and Iceton complete their deep space mission with ‘Beyond The Nebula (Holiday in Beta Centauri)’, a bustling electro number full of stabbing analogue bass, star-burst electronics, meditative ambient chords and shimmering, night-sky melodies.

Full to bursting with far-sighted sci-fi sounds, punchy TR-909 drums, bustling bass and intergalactic electronics, Holiday in Beta Centauri is a fine return to action for Teesside’s UR-loving techno twosome. 3,167 miles away in Detroit, their achievement will be noted. After all, it looks like this local branch of the Underground Resistance Appreciation Society is back in business.

Innate · Innate 005 - Mark Hand & Neil Iceton - Holiday in Beta Centauri

I'm glad I didn't have to write all of that. What a mouthful! It's a very nice EP, though (this is Best Promos talking now, by the way), and in many ways it's a bit like the Space Dimension Controller one. They are both quite spacey and futuristic, and you can tell that Mark Hand and Neil Iceton are Underground Resistance's biggest mega fans. I've got Beyond The Nebula (Holiday in Beta Centauri) on as I'm writing this, and if I close my eyes I can see a topless Mike Banks standing on stage holding a pair of traffic cones over his nipples, asking me if I want a lap-dance.

I've just licked my lips and nodded.

Mmm. I've just given A Holiday In Beta Centauri a score of 10/10 and put a £2 coin in the tin.

Pre-order it here: A Holiday In Beta Centauri

Follow Mark Hand on Twitter (I can't find Neil): @MarkHandSound

I'll leave you with a few fun Valentine's Day facts:

The first Valentine was sent in the 15th Century!!

I'm not sure who by, though, or to whom/who.

Chris de Burgh has been married a WHOPPING seven times!!

His first wife was the original lady in red. I'm not sure who his second one was. His third wife was Dani Behr. Not sure who his forth, fifth or sixth ones were, but my dad just told me that his seventh wife is Bianca Gascoigne.

Valentine's Day is celebrated differently around the world!!

In some countries and cultures, they celebrate it differently than how we do here.

See you next time, bye bye.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

7 x 7 + 7 ÷ 7 - 7 = seven

Not a lot of people know this, but Norman Wisdom's great, great, great, great nephew is Ocean Wisdom; the fastest rapper in the world. He is the fastest rapper. No, not K.A.A.N, not heyday Eminem. No, not the bloke out of Outkast. Ocean Wisdom is. Fact.

I said, "Fact", in a David Brent voice. LOL.

I said, "Not a lot of people know this", in a Michael Caine voice. Tee hee.

That was fact number one. Fact number two is the fact that Ricardo Villalobos was ROBBED in the Best Gender Neutral Foreign Minimal Techno DJ category at The Brits the other night. How Tiefschwarz won it was a mystery to me AND all of the other disappointed punters watching the ceremony in the Geo Bar, situated perfectly on Eastcote's fashionable Field End Road.

I'd put £300 on Ricky V, and all. Poor me. I'm going to cheer myself up by listening to some fab dance songs...mmm...dance music...mmm...

...Brain de Palma, which is an ingeniously playful play on the name of the famous Senior Accountant's name at CUBEX LLC, comes at us strong, forceful and full of muscle with this new release, Purple Brain, on Peggy Gou's label, Gudu Records.

If my sources at HYPE Filter PR are telling the truth, then this is Brain's second release for Peggy, but he's been knocking about for the last ten years as Panama Keys and as the other half of Stump Valley - ahh, hang on! They're the ones who did that lovely Melodj Mecca record on Soul Clap last year, aren't they? I enjoyed that one. Excellent.

The Purple Brain EP is a bit more banging than the stuff he was involved with on Soul Clap, but that's to be expected...isn't it? Put Stump Valley on early evening, whack Brain De Palma on around midnight. It's got four songs on this EP:

IQarus has loads of repetitive beats and a bassline that also repeats itself repeatedly. It's a brilliant song and it really whetted my appetite for more dance music from Brian, I mean, Brain. Mmm...dance music...

The second song is a remix of the first one. It's a bit like on Global Underground 005 when Tony De Vit plays two versions of Nuclear Shower by UK Gold. Actually, come to think of it: Brain DE Palma...Tony DE Vit...having two versions of the same track on the same release...spooky...

...my favourite song on Purple Brain is Purple Brain. It starts off like he's messing about on Ableton, and then it surprises you by starting to actually sound like a good piece of music. It features an all-female choir singing, "ahhhhh", quite a few cowbells and a space-age top line, or as the PR says: an unforgettable arpeggio with stargazing stabs and a marching cowbell beat.

After that, you've got O.W.D. Once Were Dancers which, disappointingly, doesn't sample the, "cook the man some fucking eggs!" line from the film I'm thinking of. I phoned up Brain to press him on this and to probe for a little bit of background on the EP as a whole...

"Hi, Brain, Best Promos here, thanks for speaking with us. How are you?"

“This EP is dedicated to all the ravers, DJs, aficionados who had to go through the lockdowns … a shout out to people who keep on fighting for the underground culture!”

"Thanks Brain."

If I had a runny egg to my head, I'd give Purple Brain by Brain De Palma a sensational 10/10 !!

Buy it here: Purple Brain EP

Follow Stump Valley (I can't find owt else for Brain or Alexi Versino) here: @StumpValley

One of the great things about being in the dance music scene is the sense of community and support we all have for one another. One of our favourite labels here at Best Promos is Disco Halal. It's a great name for a label, Moscoman is a brilliant DJ/producer, and I love the stuff on it that has that Eastern flavour, which is most of it, but what I love most of all is the personal touch that you get with Disco Halal. I opened up my inbox the other day, and I was touched - touched - by what I read in an email screen-grabbed below:

They didn't need to do that, but what can I say, Disco Halal are great guys.

My Name Is Omri Dot is four tracks of dance music...mmm...dance music...by Omri Dot that doesn't stop making you dance until the music stops. It's that good. Ch-ch-check out this track-by-track review I'm about to write:

I did listen to it, but I forgot what Snakes In The Bed sounds like. It's bound to be good, though. You should always place your best track first on the running order to grab the listener's attention. It's an industry rule.

The Great Illusion has got a creepy man that sounds like YOUR grandad saying, "the PlayStation", which I interpreted as a commentary on the amount of time kids sit glued to the screen instead of getting outside with their friends, making dens and annoying the neighbours, and it's an aspect of modern life that YOUR grandad doesn't understand. It confuses him. And it makes him feel sad.

:'-(

Snare Boer sounds like a minimal techno dub remix of It Takes Time To Build by Beastie Boys...by Ricardo Villalobos...in 2007...which is no bad thing.

The Spotlight is a right rag-tag bunch of different sounds, vocals and effects. Break beats here, echos there, bit crusher fills over here, echos there, rolling clavs here and echos there. Quality track. It's also got cymbals on the 1, sometimes.

I would give this EP a massive 10/10...in fact, I will give it a massive 10/10

Buy it here: My Name Is Omri Dot

Follow Disco Halal here: @DiscoHalal

To end this week's edition of Best Promos, I'd like to push and shove you in the direction of Ransom Note's fab Netil Radio show, The Ransom Note Dispatch, on Netil Radio by the guys at Ransom Note, who are now doing these shows for Netil Radio that are written and presented by Ransom Note but for Netil Radio, who broadcast these transmissions live and as it happens on Netil Radio, and also have them recorded for Soundcloud, but it's by the fab Ransom Note guys at Ransom Note.

Ransom Note · The Ransom Note Dispatch on Netil Radio (Feb 2022)

The latest episode featured a fab track on it called Jelly by Yetsuby on Jin. It's an Eden Burns remix, and not only is it brilliant, it also sent me off on a two-track wormhole of fab music. The Eden Burns Jelly remix has got that fab, "dun dun-dun dun dun dun dun dun dun...", vocal that is also used to great effect in Show Me Love by The Fruit Loop, which itself borrowed heavily from It's Just An Ecstasy by Project XYZ. Dance Music really is just simply fab. Everything is connected, man...PLUR, etc.

Ransom Note will be premiering Jelly (Eden Burns Remix) by Yetsuby next week, so stop, look and listen when that happens.

I'm off now. Ta'ra.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Use Your Illusion VI

...dring dring...dring dring...dring dring...dring dring... - I pick up the telephone.

"Hello, Best Promos, you're speaking with Kevin, how may we help you?"

"At the start of 2021 I realised I hadn't paid much attention to my own productions lately..."

"Ok, let me stop you there. Who may I say is speaking, sir?"

"Rather spending time doing remixes or mixdowns for others or like many others, worrying over what the future will bring."

"Pardon?"

"I started going through tracks and ideas I had started on but not completed and now as another annus horribilis nears the end I have 2 albums ready for 2022 release, entitled "8" and "9".

"8 and 9? Who is this, please?"

"Although I promised myself to never say it, I personally think they're my best work so far and I hope someone else will get the feeling of "a light at the end of the tunnel" when listening to these tracks just like I feel when listening back to them."

"Is that Prins Thomas again?"

"There are contributions from the very capable hands of Bugge Wesseltoft ("8") and John Carroll Kirby (on both "8" and "9"), besides that it's just me."

"Prins Thomas? Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Prins?"

Prins Thomas may have hung up on me (as usual), but I was left in no doubt that he had a couple of new albums completed and coming out soon - 8 and 9 are both released on 25 March 2022 on Prins Thomas Musikk, and I was lucky enough to get chatting with a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a Norwegian friend of a friend of Lindstrøm, who is a friend of Prins Thomas, who knew a friend of a friend of Prins Thomas's receptionist at Prins Thomas Musikk, who put me in touch with a friend of a friend of a friend who works for the Managing Director at Hypercolour, who sent my details to the office junior at HYPE Filter, who excitedly emailed me all of the MP3s of 8 and 9 for me to listen to before anyone else in the whole wide world!

I'll review it properly on here nearer the release date because, to be honest, I still need to listen to it all properly. I have made some notes, though:

Cool. Futuristic, but also a bit 80s. Blade Runner and acid sandwich. Cool Coronas - makes me want to listen to Chromeo's DJ Kicks CD again. Misread Evig Ung as Evil Ung, which completely recontextualised the piece of music in my head before I realised my mistake. Love Layback Rollout. Excellent album. Great sounds. Cool.

As I said, I'll flesh out those notes in the coming weeks and knock out a proper review then. In the meantime, I'm providing this album with a MASSIVE, and provisional, 10/10

Pre-order 8 by Prins Thomas here: Prins Thomas - 8

Pre-order 9 by Prins Thomas here: Prins Thomas - 9

Follow Prins Thomas on Twitter: @prins_thomas

FIFA 19's Confidence Man, you'll be flabbergasted to know, is not one man. There are four of them, I think, so you'd imagine that they should be called Confidence Men, wouldn't you? Well, again, you're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak, because there are boys AND girls in Confidence Man, and I reckon they'll be changing their name to Confidence Person and sending out an apologetic Tweet to anyone who may have been offended by their band name in under two years, after they get more famous, do you know what I mean? World's gone mad, innit? We're all going to Hell in a handcart...and I'll pull the lever! Unless, actually, it's supposed to be read as, "Confidence, Man!" like they are celebrating the concept of self-assurance. Maybe they could say that. I don't know.

The new album by Confidence Man (it doesn't offend me) is called TILT, and if you don't pre-order it today, you'd be round the twist! I've listened to Holiday a few times, and it really makes you feel like you're on holiday - especially the bit on about 3:30 mins, so it's a yes from me. The video has got Janet Planet and Sugar Bones singing the song in a hot air balloon and, whilst incredibly dangerous, it looks like a lorra, lorra fun.

"If you like that, you're gonna love this..."  Feels Like A Different Thing is brilliant. It's got great vocals, good music, a fun video that's about cars, whips and caves, and a feel about it that if I told you they were signed to Heavenly, you'd say, "Yes. I get it. Of course they are."

There are a WHOPPING ten other songs on TILT that I've not got promo copies of, so I can't review them yet, but when it comes out proper, I'll buy the full album because based on what I've heard of Confidence Man so far - and they look like a laugh, to be honest - I can only award this album a 10/10

Pre-order TILT by Confidence Man: TILT by Confidence Man

Follow Confidence Man on Twitter: @confidencemanTM

If Jimmy Carr was that dangerous and edgy, he should call his next Netflix special CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and do an hour of CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS jokes in front of an audience of CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS at the back of the CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS without any backup or security.

#RantOver

What else have I been listening to? Hmm. I taught myself how to play a piece of classical music on the piano last night, but I don't know what it's called.

If any readers of Best Promos knows what that music is called, please let me know ASAP because it's doing my head in.

Best Promos one-handed piano playing - 10/10

I think that's me done for today. I'm now going to watch the last two episodes of Cobra Kai Season 4 with a nice cup of tea and a think ahead to what the future of Best Promos could bring. Maybe I'll get a job writing Prins Thomas's future promo packs, maybe Confidence Man will send me 2 x VIP AAA tickets for their upcoming Thursday 5 May 2022 gig at Kentish Town (tickets available at a very affordable £23.50: TICKETS LINK )

Anything in life can happen if you just believe. Gosh darn it, you can become an astronaut, an IT analyst in a local government organisation or even the President of the United States of America if you just find the strength inside to accomplish your dreams.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva