The Best Promos Guide to Drugs

My Lenten journey continues this week, brothers and sisters. It feels like an eternity since a drop of lager last passed my lips and I'm not ashamed to say that I'm missing the warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon you get when you're about nine pints deep. Mmm. Lager. I can't wait for Easter. I'm going to get absolutely terminated. Eastcote will be rocking.

So, as a substitute for getting paralytic, I've been watching a lot of UK road rage compilations on YouTube and thinking back to all of the different drugs I've tried in my life and how they've lifted my spirits on the dancefloor. Of a nightclub. If you're reading this and have never taken a drug before, you really should give it a go. They're great, they won't get you into trouble with the police or your family AND they're cheap! What's not to love?

Here's The Best Promos Guide to Drugs:

THE BEST PROMOS GUIDE TO DRUGS 

Ecstasy E Tablets
Price: £5 per pill
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Dance Drugs

Ecstasy E Tablets (or E, if you're using text speak) are little white tablets with funny faces and shapes stamped onto the top of them to appeal to the youngsters. All you need to do is swallow between a half and two tablets at a time with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on E as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL

The only drawback on taking pills is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.

Squidgy black
Price: £15 per ounce
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Spliff

Squidgy black is the most dangerous of all weed, so it's probably the best. I think I smoked it once, at my old neighbour's flat whilst we enjoyed an episode of Match of the Day together. I don't smoke fags or vape, so I don't really know if Squidgy black and spliff is that good, I'm not sure if I inhaled it properly, but I definitely had the famous munchies the following morning - I went down the greasy spoon and gobbled up a full English breakfast with chips and fried bread!

Glue
Price: £2.95 for a pack of 3 on Amazon
Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy glue from a dealer: Sticky Bizz (short for Sticky Business)

Sticky Bizz is the kind of drugs you do if you're a teenage boy on a council estate...and I should know, I was one (I'm not now)! Growing up on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands, was a baptism of fire for an artistically-minded and dandy ponce like yours truly. I literally had to hang around with working class kids and their working class families...can you even imagine?! Let me tell you: Ruislip it wasn't! LOL. I never actually sniffed glue, and I don't know anyone on the estate who did, but I bet some of them did sniff it. I don't know what it does to you, either. I think it probably gives you a buzz.

Aerosols
Price: £14.99 for a pack of 14 on Amazon
Street slang to use if you're an anti-capitalist and want to buy aerosol from a dealer: The Tin Man

Everyone goes on in a r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really hilarious way about Lynx Africa every Christmas, but when I was a kid, just starting out on my druggy adventures, Lynx Oriental was the aerosol of choice to huff through our socks around the back of the local Labour Club on the Yew Tree Estate, Walsall, West Midlands. Yes, tooting on aerosols, petrol cans and the grim dusting on Zippos was something we ALL* did on the estate and, if I may say so, it never did us any harm. Give it a go, kids. It gives you the dizzy giggles AND it makes you smells nice.

Cocaine
Price: £50 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Charlie Chalk

If you're rich and posh or aspiring to be, this is the drug to go for. All of the Hollywood hunks snort it on set, all of the super models rub it into their gums before hitting the runway. Rod Stewart even sticks it up his jacksie when he's in the studio! It's the crème de la crème of powder and it's here to stay. When Best Promos starts hitting more than a hundred views per post, I'm going to treat the team here and celebrate with about twenty grams of Charlie Chalk down the Met Bar, and there's NOTHING you can do to stop me!

Ketamine
Price: £40 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Balding's Choice

Ketamine is the weirdest drug on the market, or is it magic mushrooms? It's one or the other, trust me. When you've shoved a few lines of this stuff up your nose you can listen to music and move the components of the song around the room like they're those question mark blocks on Super Mario 3, which is a lorra lorra fun. The only down side of doing Ketamine is that you don't know who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are or when you are. Other than that, it's kickin'!

Lager
Price: £6.95 per pint in London, £2.18 everywhere else in the UK
Street slang to use when trying to impress the busty barmaid: Columbian Marching Juice

When Chris Morris claimed that alcohol's "not a drug, it's a drink", he was talking out of his ring piece. I'm sorry, but he was. It is a drug because Bill Hicks said it was on every single stand up routine he ever did, and he's American. Lager is the best drug on the market. It blurs your vision, slurs your speech, makes you think you can batter bouncers, dulls all of your senses and it's more expensive than ever, so you feel like you're really having a top notch, extravagant time. Bring it on!

M.D.M.A.
Price: £60 per gram
Street slang to use when buying from a dealer: Man In The Mirror

M.D.M.A. (or Mandy, if you're using text speak) are little white crystals in a little see-through plastic bag. All you need to do swallow some of it with a pint of lager and before you know it, you'll be having the time of your life! I once described the feeling of being on Man In The Mirror as like having the best time of your life, but for hours on end. At the end of the night, after you've gone back to your mate's house for an after-party, you can crush up what you've all got left and snort it up your nostrils. Pretend you're all doing Charlie Chalk and act all posh! LOL

The only drawback on eating M.D.M.A. is that the hangover lasts for about seven weeks. Is it worth it, though? Hell yes it's worth it.

How's about that then for a useful guide? Watch out, Talk To Frank! LOL. It only took me twelve minutes and two seconds for me to finish it, and all.

Whilst writing all of that I had the new Radio Slave song on in the background which, weirdly, comes in at exactly 12:02! It's a really good song, it's called Strobe Queen and it tells the story of Trevor Fenwick. Trevor is a young, closeted gay chap in the Bronx with big dreams. Struggling with his sexuality in a macho 1970s household in the projects, his only outlet is putting some red lipstick on, dressing up in women's clothes and going to Studio 54 to dance in a hanging fluffy cage whilst Grace Jones and Andy Warhol snort Charlie Chalk off the saddles of the horses on the dance floor below. Strobe Queen eloquently illustrates Trevor's feelings of acceptance, delirium, ecstasy and confusion in ways that words could never (illustrate). As the seductive and low slung piano lines gradually drag you further into the beat, Trevor drags himself further into drag and when you close your eyes around the 7 minute mark, you can actually see him voguing on the dancefloor next to Ru Paul and kissing with topless skinheads and married body-poppers. Blindly unaware of the havoc AIDS was about to wreak on the City That Never Sleeps, Trevor and his chums see out the remains of the song in a haze of warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Some might call that feeling love.

I don't. I call it warm, fuzzy feelings of goodwill and abandon. Have a listen to it:

Maslow Unknown · PREMIERE: Radio Slave - Strobe Queen [Rekids]

Strobe Queen is the perfect song for the perfect times we're living in right now, and it gets a warm 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos HQ.

Strobe Queen is OUT NOW on Rekids.

Buy it here: rekids/strobe-queen
Follow Radio Slave on Twitter
Follow Radio Slave on Instagram
Follow Trevor Fenwick on Twitter (yes, he's real!): @TrevorStrobeQueen69

That was a really good post, even if doing a drugs guide is something Josh Baines at Thump would have done ten years ago. LOL. You've gotta love it!

I was going to write a section on heroin (aka chasing dragons), but I didn't want us to be responsible for someone getting into that kind of thing.

I'll be back next week with some more dance music reviews. If anyone has any better promo lists, please stick me on them. All I'm hearing on HYPE Filter at the moment is moody drum and bass, dark soundscapes and CRAP bass.

I'm going to ask Santa this year to get my email address on the promo list for Running Back.

THIS email address:

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Bye!

*like glue, I never actually did this.

Hilarious Lookalikes - DJ Edition

LOL I can't stop laughing, readers, because it's that time of the month again where I make ALL of you laugh out loud with some hilarious lookalikes!! LOL. Arghhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

We do need a laugh, though, don't we gang? It's all a bit gloom and doom in the newspapers lately. Let's all move to Rwanda! LOL. That would give Dishy Rishi a shock! Can you imagine what he'd be like if we all just emigrated to Rwanda??? I can't imagine what he'd be like!!! It would be funny, though.

Hilarious lookalikes

Let's kick one off now. Tee hee!!!

Do you watch Succession? Do you watch the Short Circuit films? Do you like minimal techno? LOL. Well, have you ever noticed that the bloke out of Succession and the Short Circuit films looks a bit like Ricardo Villalobos?? Have a look:

Brilliant! Here's a good one, you'll like this...

Whilst there are definitely no other legal similarities between David Jason and the dirty DJ, Jimmy Savile, that I'm probably allowed to make on here, they do both have white hair in these pictures, so I think I'm within my legal rights to highlight that particular similarity. And do you know what, readers? I can't stop laughing at how they both have white hair!! LOL. No kidding!

I have to tell you, though, I read on Reddit that DavCONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and then he'd invite CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS over to CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS before getting his CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and he'd call them his "little plonkers."

It turns your stomach, doesn't it?

Hmm.

I feel a bit sick now.

I'm going to scrap the Hilarious Lookalikes bit and take a look at my inbox. There's a WAV in there from Will Hofbauer at Dispersion PR. It's a new song by Radio Slave about strobe lights, but Will says that I'm not allowed to play it publicly until Friday 10 March. I'll review that one next week then. It's good, though, I'll tell you that for nothing.

My M.E.A.T. policy is going well. I've managed to half the readership of Best Promos be whittling my engagement with social media down to it's bare bones. I think I thought I was going to be like Burial or something, but it's backfired. I'm going to carry on with M.E.A.T., though, because it's funnier that way and I don't depend on Best Promos or Twitter to pay the bills or put my caviar on the table. I'm alright. Hell yes, I'm alright.

I've not really been listening to any promos this week, so I've got nothing to review. The stuff that HYPE Filter has sent me is all CRAP, so I'm not going to bother with that. That Radio Slave one was good, so look out for a balanced review of that next week. I've mostly been listening to that DJ Holographic mix on Pool Suite - that's how trendy I am. Have a listen:

Poolsuite FM · ☼ POOLSUITE PRESENTS #16 ☼ An hour of summer with DJ Holographic

Man Power is playing at The Social soon, but I can't make that date, unfortunately, and I've given up booze for Lent, so I wouldn't have been much fun anyway. Like many Brits, I'm only fun with a few pints of lager inside me. Once Easter is out of the way, I'm back in the game.

This is more like a newsletter today, sorry. A very poor post. Go down The Social for this, though: 

NRG VIBES! Great warming up for Syd ⁦@work1ngmensclub⁩ and ⁦@MellaDee_⁩ at the first NRG club night ⁦@thesociallondon⁩ last night. ⁦@eyesofothers⁩ played live early doors as well! NRG April w/ special guest @man_power_music 07.04.22 https://t.co/ASj0eZGBtY

— Heavenly Recordings (@heavenlyrecs) March 4, 2023

Any more notices?! LOL. I'll let you get on with your day then.

Best Promos will be back next week with a RADIO SLAVE SPECIAL.

One last thing, if you want to SUBSCRIBE to Best Promos, email me and I'll add you to the paper round.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Blogging To DEATH

Have you ever blogged? On a good day, blogging can be one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life, like watching Sharon snag another toy boy on the Square, or like watching Phil punch another toy boy on the Square. It really gets your pulses racing, especially if you team your blog with a trendy social media account. That feeling you get when someone Likes your new post on Twitter, or Likes your new post on Instagram is intoxicating. There is no better feeling in the world. Not even a double drop of ecstasy in Club Fabric can get you as close to Heaven as a good blog post and a high social media engagement score. I swear down, dudes.

However, due to the war in Ukraine and Brexit - and despite having some trendy DJ types follow me on me socials and a couple of toadying interviews with some proper good people - viewing figures have dropped on here to terminal levels. I could carry on and debase myself in public/the Internet by tagging the world in whenever I advertise a new post in the hope that I'll somehow go viral or I could go in completely the other direction.

I could:

• STAY ON Instagram and Twitter, but
• REMOVE all of my posts and Tweets
• DELETE all of my Likes (except one about Troy McClure)
• STOP following EVERYONE - even the people I genuinely think are sound
• GET RID of all of my followers on Instagram (I can't get rid of anyone on Twitter)
• STAY OFF Facebook completely

I call this method Minimal Engagement Actuality Technology, or M.E.A.T. for short. As well as the steps above, we are leveraging Bing ChatGPT and semi-globalised NFTs to maximise our engagement with the dance demographic. Kickin'!

This radical re-think of Best Promos' social media landscape may be utterly brainless and counter to any reasonable standards of something or something, but by gad I'm going to try it. In fact, I've ALREADY actioned all of the above actions! LOL. I did so on the train journey back from Birmingham last weekend when I was massively hungover and promising Jesus that I was going to give up alcohol for Lent.

"Not one drop of the demon drink will not pass my lips until Easter."

"Not one account will be tagged in any future social media posts until Easter."

I do wish I hadn't removed all of my Instagram followers, though. I had a few hundred. That was a bit stupid. Oh well. Let's see how things go. It's all a bit of a laugh and a carry on anyway, isn't it, readers?! Tee hee!

DANCE MUSIC REVIEWS

Man Power (real name, Geoff Powers) has written a couple of lovely songs for Jordan Nocturne's (real name, Jordan Nocturne) record label, Nocturne, and it's been released on Nocturne this month, the other week, on a Friday. Is it good?

Hell yes it's good. Have a listen to the first song on it, called Overbite:

Now, although I enjoyed the music, I found the title (Overbite) offensive because I have an underbite. I suffer from live with jut jaw, and I didn't appreciate the assumption that Man Power is making on this record. Not everyone has an overbite. Sorry, Geoff, I just had to say that. I love you, but you know me; if I have a problem with something, I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm going to have a word. I might step on a few toes here and there and break the odd sea shell, but what you get is what you see. I also don't suffer fools gladly.

The other song on this release is called Full Body Gurn, and it's an affectionate look back on the career of the Bounce By The Ounce man who, on this day in 2013, achieved the first ever full body gurn in a British nightclub. Since then, the Bounce By The Ounce man has gone from strength to strength, appearing in his very own YouTube videos where he recreates that dance, and in a calendar where he is superimposed over landmarks such as the Great Wall of China and the Statue of Liberty doing that dance.

Full Body Gurn is a r-r-r-r-r-r-really good song, and if the big, bald, boggle-eyed bastard ever gets his ears around this release, he'd appreciate the tribute - but the Bounce By The Ounce man won't hear Wallsend's Finest because the only genre of dance music he will listen to is northern UK vocal donk. Sorry, guys :'-(

We love it down here in Ruislip, though, so it gets a rollicking 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos. Well done that Man (Power! LOL)!

BUY IT here: Wallsend's Finest | Man Power
Follow Man Power on Twitter and Instagram
Follow Nocturne on Twitter and Instagram

Perc Trax. Perc. The nicest, and biggest, man in industrial dance. I once remarked that Perc's 2017 album, Bitter Music, was an album of music to drink bitter to, and everyone who heard me say that ended up dying of split sides. Well, if Bitter Music was an album to drink bitter to, Chase Scene Morality by Ghost In The Machine (out now on Perc Trax) is music to drink Carling Black Label to! It's got an almost black cover and if the music was a colour, you could only call it black!

Not in a racist way, I'm not being racist, I just mean it's really moody music.

Have a listen to this!

Out of the three tracks on this hard hitting EP, I like Come On the best.

Why, Best Promos?

Well, because it's got a "come on" vocal. I've long been an advocate of this dance music trope so I'm over the moon to see it coming back. All we need now are some rolling snare build ups and kick/cymbal crash things that get more regular as the drop comes in, do you know what I mean? Have a listen to the version of Get Up, Stand Up by Phunky Phantom on TDVs Elements CD and you'll get what I'm talking about.

The rest of this EP sounds exactly the same, in a good way (imagine a pneumatic drill being left on in a steel bin full of drawing pins), so I'm going to stick my neck out and give it a 10/10 - I don't care what Pottsy thinks!

Chase Scene Morality is great and it's OUT NOW on Perc Trax!

BUY IT here: Chase Scene Morality EP | Ghost In The Machine

Follow Ghost In The Machine on Instagram
Follow Perc Trax on Twitter and Instagram

EVENT PREVIEW

I really wish I was going to this:

This is guaranteed to be a 10/10 night. No question.

Tickets are all sold out, so get yourself down to Tunnel Club in Brum early doors or keep checking out the resale thing on here: HOUSE OF GOD

And that's all for this week. I hope you've enjoyed the show. LOL. I might actually reverse-ferret and tag the people in I'm reviewing on Twitter and stuff when I post about them. I don't want to go too puritanical.

I wonder if M.E.A.T., my new way of anti-social media will work? Hmm * chin scratching emoji *

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

BEST PROMOS, LIFE, FREEDOM

I was watching a documentary last night about Luciano...no, not THAT Luciano! LOL. Sorry, mid-00s Latin-American minimal techno fans! I was watching a programme about Luciano Pavarotti; that big, fat Italian opera singer. Do you know why he was so fat? They said that before every opera concert, he wouldn't go on unless he'd had fourteen large Big Mac meals (with full fat cola and BBQ sauce) delivered to his dressing room along with a six pack of Guinness. Once he'd washed his Big Mac meals down with the Guinness, he then had seven puddings. He'd mix it up every night. One night he'd have a big bowl of bread pudding, an apple crumble with custard, some spotted dick, a whole Viennetta, a whole Swiss roll, a whole Battenberg and a strawberry trifle! The next night he might just have seven bowls of spotted dick. He was a right greedy get, but he was happy. After his puddings, he'd have a big mug of tea, a double pack of custard creams and a split pot yoghurt. Only then, would he go on and sing Nessun Dorma to the posh nerds out front. Absolute legend.

They said that when he died in 2007, they couldn't find a coffin big enough, so they had to customise a wooden rowing boat and bury him in that. It's unbelievable. And instead of laying flowers and wreaths on the coffin, mourners were encouraged to leave things like American-style cheddar cheese slices, fried bread and pickled onions on it. Elton John apparently broke down in tears as he carried a Yorkshire leg of lamb down the aisle. Sheryl Crow said it was the saddest thing she'd ever seen.

Bono had to pick him up, but he was a nervous wreck himself because he'd volunteered to sing In My Life by The Beatles as a video montage of Pavarotti was played on a portable projection screen behind him whilst the coffin was lowered into the ground. The trouble was, the pall bearers weren't strong enough to lift the coffin with all of that food on top of it, so they had to go and find a forklift truck from somewhere. When they finally had one delivered to the church, the only person at the funeral with a fork lift truck training accreditation from the ITSSAR was Kevin Rowland out of Dexys Midnight Runners. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sounded like a right royal cock up.

(Now, watch how I do this...)

What doesn't sound like a right royal cock up is the latest EP by Ost & Kjex (pronounced Ost and Kurjecks). It's called Remixes From The End Of The World and let me tell you know, it's Grrrrrrrrilliant!

(I'm the best in the business)

There are three tracks, one called The Gallery, one called Dickie's Pix and the last one is called Mountain Girl. I've just had a proper read of the PR letter and this EP is a remix EP of their recent album, Songs From The End Of The World. Ahh, I get it now. Ok.

Ivan Smagghe's mate, Chloé Thévenin, remixes The Gallery. It's really cool. It's got one of them basslines that sounds like a buzzing bee and some whispery vocals that sound mysterious, but she could be singing about anything, to be honest. For all we know, it could be a song about making some sandwiches. It's a really, really cool song.

Avery Baker from EastEnders's (RIP) mate, The Maghreban, 44, is the remix maestro on the second track. It's called Dickie's Pix, and I don't know what this one is about, either. There is a vocal on it, but like The Gallery, it's whispered and has wishy washy effects on it that make it difficult to make out, which is disappointing, if truth be told.

Ost & Kjex · Dickie´s Pix (The Maghreban So Fine Remix)

The music is good, though. It's got a bassline that sounds like it got out the wrong side of the bed and a sample of Sir Patrick Moore playing the xylophone on GamesMaster. Another bit of it is good, too. It's them little stabby, breathy chord things. I think if you're listening to this on illegal high drugs, it'll make you feel like you're walking down some stone stairs to a dungeon, but in a good way.

Circo Loco's mate, Thomas Melchior, rounds things up with a STOMPING remix of Mountain Girl. This one will have you throwing your hands up in the air, whooping and demanding a rewind from whoever you hear playing it. In fact, the Hillingdon bin men outside have just been lobbing pebbles at my window and screaming at me to "play it again!" Did I oblige? Hell yes I obliged. Mountain Girl (Thomas Melchior Remix) has got the words "dancefloor melter" stamped all over it. It's a certified heater and a guaranteed 2024 Grammy award winner of the BOOMING BEAST award in the dance category. I feel sorry for the poor PA systems and Funktion-One speakers that are going to struggle with the ferocity this banger bomb is packing.

Let's get down, let's get down to business. Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is brilliant, so I can't give it any less than a 10/10. Congratulations!

Remixes From The End Of The World by Ost & Kjex is OUT NOW on Snick Snack Music.

BUY IT HERE: Remixes From The End Of The World
Follow Snick Snack Music on Instagram
Follow Ost & Kjex on Instagram
Follow Chloé on Instagram
Follow The Maghreban on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Thomas Melchior on Instagram

Hmm. A lot of things to follow, there. If I had a gun to my head and had to recommend just one of them, I'd go with The Maghreban because he sometimes "Likes" things I Tweet about on Twitter.

Up next is an album I've been listening to a lot lately. It's called WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM, and it's a compilation of dance songs by Iranian women. I don't do much politics or serious stuff on here because it's always a bit embarrassing when thick people in dance music put their activism shades on and strut about social media giving it the big 'un.

One is reminded of Jarvis Cocker on Question Time. LOL. One is.

Anyway, I'm thick, but I read this last week and thought it was an interesting article, so I bought the album: bbc.co.uk/newsbeat

It's all been put together by Nesa Azadikhah and DJ Aida, who are making the point that the capers we take for granted in Great Britain (necking eight or nine pingers, sniffing charlie chalk, marching on the spot and gurning all night in a flashy nightclub) are actually considered illegal, indecent acts in Iran.

Some of the techno on WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM is hard and a bit mad, which I love, and some of it is moody, beatless chill-out room padding, which I can't be bothered with, but the album will hopefully raise awareness of the protest movements in Iran and get some money heading that way to help organisations that help women in Iran. Never let it be said that we at Best Promos don't support good causes. Please don't let that ever be said.

Yeah, man. I feel so, like, politically charged now, that I'm going to award this compilation a well-earned score of 10/10!! Right on!

WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM  is OUT NOW on Apranik Records.

BUY IT HERE: VA - WOMAN, LIFE, FREEDOM
Follow Nesa Azadikhah on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow DJ Aida on Instagram
Follow Apranik Records on Instagram

I'm going to chuck my political air horn in the bin now and shine a light on an event that, whilst nowhere near as important as an uprising in Iran is on a global scale, is probably, to a small group of well-to-do hippies and geriatric liberals in east London, quite a significant occasion in itself. Ransom Note drag their massive light-box and their even bigger website to The Social on Friday night where they'll be starting a new monthly party in the famous underground basement AND the bar upstairs on the ground floor.

I think I'm free that night, so I might go down for a beer and a little spy on what it's all like. I wonder what it'll be like?! I wonder if it'll be a 10/10 night?!?!?!

Find out by buying tickets here: PLEASURE POOL AT THE SOCIAL
Follow The Ransom Note on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow The Social on Twitter and on Instagram

Well, that was another terrific blog post from the team here. Well done, guys. Have the rest of the week off! LOL.

We'll be back next week with either an interview with Robotek Reagan or some more Hilarious Lookalikes. It'll be one or the other, trust me.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

(thanks, Robbo!)

Weird Weekendz

Best Promos is back due to PHENOMENAL demand and we're coming LIVE from the Pontiac Dome in Ruislip!

Only joking. We're coming PRE-RECORDED from my 3-bed semi in Eastcote! LOL

That picture you can see at the top of this page was lovingly created by me last week, but it now holds a clearer resonance (a what??) due to a wrong DJ opinion on Twitter this morning. Moody-looking, long haired layabout dance DJ, Daniel Avery, incorrectly Tweeted this to his MILLIONS of Followers:

Will anything ever top the 92 Rumble?

— Daniel Avery (@danielmarkavery) January 29, 2023

Will anything ever top the 92 Rumble? Hell yes.

Let me tell you something. Royal Rumble '92 was good, I grant you, but SummerSlam '91 was better.

Better how?

Just better.

And it had the brilliant Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth wedding reception where The Undertaker and Jake "The Snake" burst in and battered Macho Man after Miss Elizabeth opened a wedding gift and a massive cobra popped out and tried to bite her. I just thank God Sid Justice was there with a fold-up chair to save them. I really do thank God for that.

Can you imagine if that happened to you? You've just married the love of your life, you're in the middle of enjoying a wonderful reception with friends and family, a classy band are playing classy music and life simply can't get any better. All of a sudden, a couple of musclemen in fancy dress burst in kicking tables over and attacking everyone in sight, including you and your newlywed. It must have been terrifying for Randy and Elizabeth.

So, I'm sorry Mr. Avery, but I have to violently disagree with you on your ill-informed Tweet. SummerSlam '91 was better than Royal Rumble '92. And no mistake!

I think the 1990 Survivor Series might be better than it, too. Sgt. Slaughter was still in his Iraqi backing, anti-American phase, which was hilarious. I think he was a goodie by 1992.

So, SummerSlam '91 gets a MACHO 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.

Do you like 90s raves? You do? Ok. Do you like mega-raves? Hell yes? Great. Do you like odes to 90s mega-raves, then? What's an ode to a 90s mega rave when it's at home? Well, have a listen to this and then read what I've written about it below:

ARKLEY · So Good

That was So Good by ARKLEY, and if he doesn't mind me saying so, it's so good. LOL. I'd never heard of ARKLEY before, but his PR person wrote an endearingly polite email to us asking for coverage, so I'm happy to oblige. Manners cost nothing, and in Eastcote, do they go a long way? Hell yes they go a long way.

Part of my thinking is also this: ARKLEY is a handsome, young Scottish producer who makes nostalgic dance music. He's got some designer stubble. The BBC like him. He could be the next Calvin Harris. He might become a billionaire. He might remember Best Promos on his way up. He might trust us as his fourth estate. He might grant Best Promos his exclusives. He might fly us to Las Vegas to cover his multi-summer residencies. He might buy me a proper pair of CDJs so I don't have to limp on with my little controller. He might introduce me to Louis Theroux when he does his glossy documentary.

With all of these possibilities whirling around my head like birds and stars, I proudly join Judge Jules in throwing my full weight behind ARKLEY and all of his future endeavours, starting with his Channel A EP, which comes out on Friday 10 February.

Channel A is a right royal 10/10 release.

Buy the single, So Good, here: ARKLEY - SO GOOD

Follow ARKLEY on Twitter: @arkleymusic

Follow ARKLEY on Instagram: /arkleymusic/

Speaking of Friday 10 February, my old chums at the Ran$om Note begin a BRAND NEW monthly residency at the best central London bar/club in the whole of central London: The Social. Last year, I made every effort to start a Best Promos hard house night at The Social with James O'Brien off of LBC, but my argument for it wasn't strong enough and I eventually stopped phoning in to ask him. He monologued me to death and made me cry LIVE on air.

My other idea is for Louis Theroux to do a hip-hop night at The Social under the Best Promos banner. I could play some really cool Balearic and yacht rock NTS type stuff upstairs with Pete Fowler whilst Louis Theroux and his mates play their favourite rap songs in the basement. I think it would be a really good night, so I'm going to tag Louis in on today's post and see what happens. We could call it Weird Weekendz or something.

I wonder if it'd be as good as the Ran$om Note Pleasure Pool night, though? Pleasure Pool themselves will be playing live for the first time in London, and if you've never heard of them; they're a really cool and trendy band who play really cool and trendy dance music. Think Hot Chip chopped up and chucked in a blender with a mashed up Chromeo and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of Teleman B-sides.

No. They're not the bands or references I really wanted to use there, but I'm getting a bit tired now and I couldn't think of the ones I actually meant. Sorry.

And if you think THAT will be cool, wait until you hear about the DJs who are playing in support! Carly G, Matty C and Ally McTropical are all manning, I mean, personing the decks. Does life get any better...?

Will this be a 10/10 night? Hell yes.

Buy tickets here: Pleasure Pool at The Social

Buy the Pleasure Pool LP, Love Without Illusion: Love Without Illusion

Follow Pleasure Pool on Instagram

Follow Ran$om Note on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow The Social on Twitter and on Instagram

That was a good post, I think. I think that was a good post. Was it? I don't know. Part of me thinks it was a really good one, the other part of me thinks it was r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rubbish.

Get in touch on the means below to let me know if you think today's post was really good or really rubbish.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Richard Head

How we doing, lads? And women! And the other ones!! Is it cold or have all of my radiators been filled with ice cubes?! LOLoutLOUD!

I'm back once again for the renegade master because I heard that the bloke who does Best Promos (that wrdm RIP OFF website) has bottled doing his dance blog because nobody cba to fucking read him. When I did a blog and multiple columns and articles for no mark websites like VICE and THUMP, I had thousands of boot licking morons reading my words every fucking DAY! I've had a look through Best Promos and it's CRAP. No swearing. No MASSIVE opinions. No having a pop at anyone in dance and no swearing. It's fucking CRAP, so when I saw on the Nextdoor app that he'd put the Best Promos URL up for sale at a knock down price, I bit the cunt's hand off. Literally.

Ransom Note · Premiere: Nasty Mcquaid - Dave Gets Pumped (Tonka's 2015 UK Erection Remix)

I heard that everyone was saying I was dead. That I'd died of AIDS or in a boat crash. That was the rumour, but like all rumours, it was just a fucking rumour. I've been alive and well, living in Northolt, getting absolutely fucking terminated every other night with Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live and Draper on ecstasy e tablets and spliff smoke. I stride around telling everyone about how great I was at writing and everyone absolutely loves me for it.

Speaking of ugly DJs, that American DJ, Howard Stern, is ugly, isn't he? Proper fucking ugly. Not as ugly as Jeremy Healy, though. That orange cunt looks like he fell out the ugly tree face first into a bear trap that a North American brown bear had just blasted some fucking diarrhoea into! He's ugly, isn't he, ladies and gentlemen?!

I was sat on the shitter this morning listening to that new Scuba + Distance song, Opposites. It's really good, but I bought some cheap bog roll last week and it was crumbling to pieces as I wiped my arse. It's soft enough, not like the old primary school tracing paper, but crumbly. I had to get on my hands and knees to scoop all the ripped up bits of paper off the floor after I'd splattered the pan. I should have flushed the toilet and lit a candle before doing that, though, because what came out of my guts fucking RONKED. I could taste the iron, do you know what I mean?

Right. Let me have a look at my notes. It's been ages since I wrote a blog. Hang on.

Chubby Funster looking at some dance music

- Chubby Funster

He's like one of Ryan Giggs' poems: absolutely fucking shit.

Now that I'm back for good, there'll be loads more topical stuff like that coming out of your screen on a daily fucking basis. I'll need to get in touch with the Ran$om Note and let them know I'm ready to write every Friday for them again. Wil - get in touch, mate, and we'll thrash out a deal. I can bag an exclusive with Disco Bloodbath or something.

Have you ever noticed that the one with the beard out of ABBA looks exactly like Gerd Jansen? Have a look at the two hairy cunts side by side and see if you can tell who'sBANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Really, really sorry, guys! Sorry. I don't know who he is or how he got in here, but when I heard all of that swearing coming from my idle Best Promos server, I had to come and check it out and STAMP it out. See it, say it, see it.

That banging you heard was me smashing my lump hammer repeatedly into the face of the intruder who broke into Best Promos and soiled it with his, ahem, language. He's not breathing now, so I'm going to have to sort out the body and the blood. Not sure what to do with it, to be honest. If anyone has any tips for disposing of a dead body with an inside out face, please get in touch on the means below.

Ugh. I'll have to jump back onto Best Promos next week and clean things up a bit with a clean new post because I can't have this dirty one being the one that people see when they click on https://bestpromos4eva.blogspot.com - again, sorry about this. I should have deleted the Best Promos server last week instead of holding it in abeyance.

Again, again, again, if anyone knows how to get rid of a definitely dead body without the police finding out, get in touch...

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Simply Dead

"Mock up tabloid front page about the death of Mick Hucknall. SIMPLY DEAD."

Those were the notes I wrote in draft after uncontrollably laughing to myself in the shower imagining The Sun running the headline, SIMPLY DEAD, when Mick Hucknall dies. Can you imagine if they do?! LOL.

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...and that, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, is the end of Best Promos. It's quite pointless carrying on. Nobody reads it, I've got a proper job, with a proper family and a proper house that I need to work on. We need a new sideboard for the living room, we need to modernise the kitchen, we need to redecorate the kid's bedroom, sort out a loft conversion, upgrade our boiler to a combi. I want to get a nicer sofa for the back extension, maybe some underfloor heating. The list is endless, and I'm spending too much time weeing in the wind with this blog. It's a waste of bloody time, pardon my French. Best Promos. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected.

"They started badly, they got worse."

So, goodbye readers, thanks for reading, thanks for sharing, thanks for the memories. I'll see you out and about in Eastcote when you're passing through. I wear a white Disco Halal t-shirt every day, so you'll be able to find me. Come and say hello.

Please come and say hello.

Please.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/