Quality, Not Quantitties

Biff baff boff...annnnd we're off! Yes, it's a Political Special here at Best Promos this week! And it's a Euro 2024 Football Special, too. And I think a few of the Senior Management Team are excited about Glastonbury, so it's a Glasto Special, and all.

It has to be better than last week's Joke Special, doesn't it, readers? It just has to be.

I don't know why I've gone with a Lennox Lewis and Frank Bruno picture header, though. Maybe it's because I started writing this in the middle of the Tyson Fury fight about a million months ago. Anyway, let's get stuck into the politics (I'm like Ian Hislop, me! LOL): I've heard from my posh uncle at Conservative Party HQ inside Big Ben that the PM's advisors and spin doctors are so ALARMED at how BADLY Rishi Sunak is doing, they're going to rebrand him, "Richie Sunak", for the next couple of weeks in order to claw back votes from Adolf "Nigel" Farage and Reform. My uncle also said that he and his red-cheeked chums are so concerned about a mass Conservative migration to Reform, they're even seriously making plans to get Rishi, or Richie, to wear more Hoodrich clobber and WHITE UP before the nation goes to the polls. Is that mad, or what?

I think it's mad, but the way the world is going these days, mad is normal. So, Rishi Sunak changing his name to Richie, rubbing white boot polish all over his face and chanting Rule, Britannia! on live TV with a roasted leg of lamb in his hand isn't mad at all in 2024, it's just the way things go.

Either way, I'll be voting for whoever my uncle tells me to vote for, and for whoever promises the best things. It'll be a mixture of those two variables.

Speaking of mad, have you heard the new Radio Slave album? It's called The Lunatics, which is why I wrote that bit about things being mad before this bit. Lunatics are mad, aren't they?

No, sorry, the album is called Venti. The first single off of it is called The Lunatics.

Sorry, Mr. Slave.

I would have called the album, The Lunatics, to be honest. It sounds funnier.

Venti is a brilliant album. It's full of yummy, scrumptious dance music that will leave you wanting more. I certainly wanted more after my first listen, so I listened to it all over again with an enormous grin on my mouth!

The best song on it is The Lunatics. Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? I really like those dramatic piano bits. Sounds a bit like The Specials, or Terry, Blair and Anouchka. There's also a good Kylie thing on it, too.

If I had a Kalashnikov to my head, I'd give this album a STONKING 10/10

and I'd give this review of it a VERY POOR 1/10

BUY IT HERE: Venti | Radio Slave (bandcamp.com)
Follow Radio Slave on Twitter and on Instagram

Right, ok. We'll be back after a short commercial break and a word from our sponsors. No flipping.

Welcome back! Welcome back. How are ya?

Last Friday night, I went to watch Chromeo in Kentish Town. It was the first time I'd seen them since about 2010, so I was r-r-r-r-r-really excited.

"What was it like?", is the question I can hear you all screaming at me to answer. Well, I forgot that all of their songs sound exactly the same before I bought my ticket, but it was alright. It was definitely good to tell my Ruislip football dad mates about. It's a cool sounding thing to do, to go and see Chromeo. It just sounds like a cool thing to do. And they look cool. They are cool, actually. They look ace, sound brilliant (even if that brilliant is just the same brilliant song played over and over again for an hour and a half), and they're a lorra lorra fun. I had a massive smile on my face throughout, despite this review sounding a bit negative, and all of their songs sounding exactly the same.

I missed the opening game of the Euros for it, so I'm going to give Chromeo at Kentish Town a COOL 10/10. It would have been 15/10 if they'd played Needy Girl properly, You're So Gangster, and a lot more from the first two albums; I stopped listening to them properly after Fancy Footwork, so I didn't recognise a lot of the tunes they played.

"2 step, 2 step, 2 step!" LOL

What else? The Euros. Yes.

I'm not trying to be being controversial, but I hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhate that Sweet Caroline song when England play. That's about all I've got to say about Euro 2024 at the moment.

I will add this, though: if we don't win the Euros, I'm going to stop this weekly blog...FOREVER.

Here's a few of my favourite ever football photos:

They're good, aren't they? Come on, England! Do it for Richie.

A different Geoff

One more thing before I go, and I am going, matey. I know that nobody reads this blog, and that the ones who do are spotty, braindead plonkers who have ZERO reach or influence with anyone I'm trying to impress in the dance world, but I have to push this plucky young DJ from Fulchester to the 10s of twerps who absolutely smash Best Promos 100% every time I post. He's called Man "Geoff" Power, and he's done a MEGA mix for a rival dance blog called Resident Advisor. I've never heard of them, but it's a good mix, though. Have a listen:

Resident Advisor · RA.940 Man Power

It's good, isn't it? It was the soundtrack to many* an afternoon last week, and if I had a massive Rambo knife to my neck, I'd give it a BOMBASTIC 10/10, easy.

It's not as good as Global Underground: Tony De Vit Tokyo (CD1), but it is as good, if not better, than Global Underground: Tony De Vit Tokyo (CD2)

You can find and follow Man Power by walking around Fulchester shouting, "DOES ANYONE KNOW OF ANY KINDLY DANCE DJs, PROMOTERS OR PRODUCERS WHO DEVOTE ALL OF THEIR TIME AND ENERGY TO DECENT REGIONAL CAUSES?!" Sure enough, he'll pop his head out of a local Labour club or British Legion where he's doing an energetic back-to-back with DJ Harvey or Fat Boy Slim or something, wave his hand, invite you in and before you know it, you're hosting a Q&A with him about Electroclash in the northern coal mining days.

Mark my words.

Right, that's me done for this week. I'll definitely be back next week with letters inside words inside sentences inside paragraphs, surrounded by pictures and music. It's what we do.

Nobody does it better.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

* Tuesday afternoon

Fun Time Friday Part VII

Well, it's that time of the week again (Friday) where I can't really be bothered to write a thousand words on here, but do need to keep up the online content engagement metric solutions going, so I need to publish something, regardless of its quality. Eh, Ran$om Note? You know what I'm saying, you dig!

Only joshing.

They know what I'm saying. Winking smiley face.

I always call Friday, "Fun Time Friday". It cheers me and my team up no end when I tap dance into the Best Promos HQ singing, "Fun Time Friday...Fun Time Friday...", to the same melody that Frank Skinner used to sing, "Fun Time Frankie", on his old chat show. On a Friday.

When I did it this morning, Pottsy took his trousers down in front of everyone to celebrate.

So, instead of doing some r-r-r-r-really boring dance music reviews, I'm going to tell some jokes to get you chortling into the weekend! LOL

An Iranian, a Jew and a Chinaman walk into a bar, carrying a ladder. The landlord says to them, "Oi, you can't CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS

Ok. I'm not allowed to tell you that one because it "might" offend a few people! I'll change it up a bit, then. Think on my feet.

I say, I say, I say. An Iranian, a Jew and a Chinaman walk into Phonica Records. The Iranian says to the bloke who looks a bit like MCA behind the counter that he wants that track that goes like, "doof, doof, doof, doof, living out my feelings, doof, doof, doof, doof..."

MCA goes, without a word of a lie, "you mean that Sylvio B EP on Major Records. Last Forever. Here, it's out today", and he hands the Iranian chap a record.

The Iranian, overjoyed, goes, now forgive the accent, ladies and gentlemen, he goes, "خیلی ممنون آقای Beastie Boy."

The Chinaman pipes up. He bows his head and tells MCA that he wants the one that goes, "doof, doof, doof, doof, and it's got some nice strings on it. And a velly ruvvery bassrine aww rover it." (sorry)

MCA goes, "Ahh, the new one on Heist by Fouk. It's called Mirage and, guess what, this one is out today, and all. Here you go."

Finally, the old Jewish man, Abram, approaches the counter and tells MCA that he'd like the one that's, "a sublime seven-minute deep house odyssey with neon keys from ‘Conclave’ frontman and close friend Toribio and a sprinkling of organic percussion that harks back to the likes of François K and Pal Joey but with Vanilla's sensuous vocals soaring up top, alongside co-vocalist and co-writer Elsa Brown."

MCA goes, "you're talking about the Earthly Mix of Jennifer Vanilla's Jennifer Pastoral on Love Injection Records. It's a corker. Been out for well over a month. Here you are, sir."

Abram says, "Thank you very much, kind man. We have all journeyed to this sacred record shop in search of different things, and the three of us may not agree on what genre of dance music is the best, but we can all live with these different sounds and record collections in harmony, alongside one another for generations to come. A thousand thank you's again to you and your shop, and say hello to the rest of the Beastie Boys for us when you next see them. Oh, and just out of interest, what score out of ten would you collectively award these three releases with...if you had a Kalashnikov to your head?"

MCA goes, without hesitation, and you're going to love this, ladies and gentlemen, he goes, "Ten!"

LOL! I bet you didn't see that punchline coming!!! It's the way I tell 'em.

BUY THE SYLVIO B ONE: Last Forever | Sylvio B | Major Records (bandcamp.com)

FOUKING BUY THE FOUK ONE: Mirage EP | Fouk (bandcamp.com)

BUY THE JENNIFER VANILLA ONE: Jennifer Pastoral (The Love Injection Remixes) | Jennifer Vanilla | Love Injection Records (bandcamp.com)

My old drinking partner, Seamus O'Mick, was so thick that he once got drunk on Guinness, walked into Foxton's estate agent in Notting Hill with a pair of his wife's tights pulled over his face and a sawn-off shotgun in his hand, demanding that they put Havona House into his swag bag! LOL! Seamus is still doing porridge and that poor estate agent's kids don't have a mother anymore! They can't stop us laughing!

Who cut your hair, mate? The council?

Hilarious lookalikes. These are always funny. LOL

Ch-ch-check this out. Have you heard Matt Le Tissier's conspiracy theory that MCA out of the Beastie Boys DIDN'T die of cancer in 2012, but he's alive and working in Phonica Records??? Methinks you might look twice the next time you're in there buying a fabric CD! LOL

Prince Harry lives in America now, but have you ever seen him and this very familiar looking Canadian waxwork in the same room??? Methinks you'll do a double-take the next time you're at Niagra Falls! LOL

I've really had enough now, and I'm sure you have, too.

Have a nice weekend. Bye!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

The Noel Edmondites

This week on Best Promos we'll be exploring the ways in which people dance to dance music, how they listen to it and why they listen to it (dance music). And where. We'll be taking a deep dive into how house music shapes the social, political and cultural mind-thoughts of our times, and how it can change legislation, break down sexual and racial divides and create safe spaces for those zany, kooky attention-seeking kinds of guys who like to live on the fringes of society.

Not really. I'll be reviewing some songs and and providing a platform for my own dead interesting music.

"Say whaaaaaa?! Your music, Best Promos? What do you mean? What music?"

Well. When I heard the new Drake beef song the other day where he's having a pop at loads of people I'd never heard of, I thought to myself, "hmm, I'm going to have a pop at HIM!"

"Why, Best Promos?"

Well, I don't really know, but it made me smile to think about a small-time Ruislip dance blogger from West Bromwich wading into a North American rap beef.

"It's not that funny."

I know :'-(

Anyway, I contacted the only rapper in Middlesex, the West Bromwich born Toast Faced Killer, and signed him up to my gangster rap label: Eastcote Killah Rekordz, on a ten album deal and brought him into the lab (studio (box room where my computer is)) to lay down some filthy smack over the heavy beats I created.

It's called, Them Called Press Ups (Phone 999 Bitch, There 'bout 2 b Done Did a Murdahhh). Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? Don't be surprised if you see that Drake now cancels all of his future concerts at the Birmingham NEC and the Robin in Bilston. The man will be absolutely crapping himself. Guaranteed.

The only mistake that Toast Faced Killer made was saying he's, "from London". He should have said that he, "lives in London." Hope that doesn't distract from the beef and that Drake doesn't pick up too much on that when he responds!

Grimes, I know you read Best Promos: the BPM on this song is 103

Enough about my successes in music, let's judge some other people.

"I'm telling myself the story of my life. It's stranger than fiction. Trying to capture the something something. Something about horses. Daddy loves you very much. The plane comes down behind enemy lines. Mother Theresa walks among the poor. Her voice is a bomb that gives you a name. Learn the language. Twelve days in Paris."

I'm sorry, but what the bloody hell are Man Power and Louisahhh on about in this new song on Rekids? Maybe I'm just thick, but I don't know what the bloody hell they're going on about in it.

Have a listen and tell me if you can make head or tail of what they're going on about:

Load of nonsense.

Saying that, it's a bloody good track. We Trawl The Hurts (Feat. Lousiahhh) is Man Power's first song on Rekids. Musically, it sounds like an imaginary Paul Van Dyk remix of Tunic (Song For Karen) by Sonic Youth, but with lyrics that make you wonder what the bloody hell he's going on about instead of lyrics you kind of get. Maybe the lyrics to We Trawl The Hurts make more sense when you're three or four pills deep on the dance floor. Hmm. Food for though, methinks.

"An approximation of starlight."

What the bloody hell does that mean?

Despite me not knowing what the bloody hell any of the lyrics mean, I do really like this track, and the seven hundred Deetron Remixes included in the package, and after spending a lot of time thinking about a score I should give it, I'm going to award We Trawl The Hurts (Feat. Louisahhh) a whopping 10/10 - and I'm not just saying that because Man Power scored Them Called Press Ups (Phone 999 Bitch, There 'bout 2 b Done Did a Murdahhh) a 10/10 on Twitter last night.

Grimes: This one is 129 BPM.

It's OUT NOW and you should buy it NOW.

BUY 'WE TRAWL THE HURTS' NOW: We Trawl The Hurts | Man Power & Louisahhh | Rekids (bandcamp.com)
Follow Man Power on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Louisahhh on Instagram
Follow Rekids on Twitter and on Instagram

Ahh. I meant to say at the start of that bit that Man Power puts the "man" in "tremandous dance music", but I forgot.

I've been in Canada the last couple of weeks, so haven't been clubbing, blogging, taking recreational party drugs or listening to the kind of music that ONLY makes sense when you're three or four pills deep in the main room. What I did do was eat a lot of hotdogs, speak in a posher-than-normal English accent to Canadian people and read TWO books. I read Another Planet: A Teenager in Suburbia by Tracey Thorn and Afternoons With The Blinds Drawn by Brett Anderson.

The Tracey Thorn one gets a 10/10 because I like Everything But The Girl, I used to go to Buzzin' Fly at The End, and it made me laugh out loud quite a bit. I know exactly how her mother feels about wanting a detached house.

The Brett Anderson one gets a 10/10 because I like Suede, I once saw him in a Notting Hill newsagents leafing through a computer magazine, and for hilariously using the word, "Dionysian", at least once in every chapter. I also spotted a typo, but I won't embarrass the author or the publisher by pointing it out.

See: reading books isn't just for nerds and geeks. Next week on the Best Promos Book Club, I'll be reviewing the latest Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and the 1989 Bash Street Kids annual.

I keep getting promos that say stuff like, DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS RELEASE UNTIL JULY 2026, and, ABSOLUTELY NO AIRPLAY OF THIS UNTIL CHRISTMAS, and then by the time July '26 and Christmas come around I've forgotten about the promos and they don't make it onto the blog.

One of these super mega secretive tracks I won't forget about, though, because it's so blimming good! On the 26 April 2024 (not before) look out for my review and play of the new R*man Fl*gel on CONTENT REMOVED BY DISPERSION PR LAWYERS.

#RantOver

I'll be back online next week with LOADS more Dionysian content that NOBODY reads!

Ta'ra.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Studio Shine

It's quite a stretch for me to call myself a blogger these days, I mean, Managing Director of a successful online dance and culture magazine. I hardly find the time and energy to Tweet anymore, let alone pen a fantastic 1000-words essay on the state of some promos I've received in my inbox. Sometimes, I'll post a picture on Instagram that Man Power and a bloke in America called @notvnotv will like, and I think to myself, "back in the game", in a Paddy McGuinness voice. Do you know what I mean?

But I'm not back in the game, am I, ladies and gentlemen?

Or am I?

What is the game?

No. I am back in the game. I have to stop doubting myself.

I am a good creative writer. I might not have got any GSCEs above a grade C or a university education to back that up, but I am a good creative writer, and this post is proving it to the max.

Actually, I did go to university once, for a whole seven or eight months. In the mid-00s, I thought I was better than what I was and enrolled at Birkbeck University to study Politics and Society. LOL. I bought a long scarf to wear around my...neck, and a brown satchel to carry my heavy books around in. I started to drink mild ale and pretended that I preferred it to lager. I even pretended that I was interested in the printing press and the Reformation, but when push came to shove; I bottled the exam at the end of the first year and sat in the library feeling sorry for myself and reading Viz (which was, by then, definitely not as funny as it used to be, but funnier than it is now). I never went back to Birkbeck University and I have vowed to never think I'm middle-class ever again, or try and better myself. It's just not worth it.

Who needs GCSEs or a degree, anyway? I don't! I'm absolutely raking it in as a dance music writer...it's great!

Hmm.

Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch! Can you believe it?!

I told the old woman behind the counter at the Sue Ryder shop on Ruislip High Street that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch, and she didn't have a clue what I was talking about, so I left in a huff - without paying for the Richard Clayderman vinyl I'd dug out of one of their crates.

I bounced down the street and poked my nose into the Granero Lounge. It's quite a fashionable looking place with mis-matched wall paper and retro paintings on the...wall, so I was quite sure that the guys in there would be interested. I ordered a flat white cup of tea and proudly announced to the bloke with the over-sized glasses, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch."

He stared at me with a puzzled look on his...face, and said, "excuse me?" I said, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch. What do you reckon to that?"

He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, sir, and there's no such thing as a flat white cup of tea."

I said, quite aggressively this time, "Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch", and I was asked to leave the Granero Lounge.

I popped across the road to the Hop and Vine; Ruislip's trendiest bar, but before I could tell them that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch, I was, God, this is a boring bit. Sorry.

All you really need to know is that Gotshell and Jeroen Search have got a new EP out on Lady Tazz's Mind Medizin label which includes a remix by Cari Lekebusch. It's called Modulations, and it's a really good release if you like your dance music serious. It's the kind of stuff Ben Klock would play, but I doubt very much you'd hear Modulation 02 in a Soul Clap set.

I don't have to do this, but I'd like to award it a 10/10

BUY IT NOW: Modulations EP | Gotshell & Jeroen Search | Mind Medizin (bandcamp.com)
Follow Gotshell on Instagram
SEARCH for Jeroen Search on Instagram
Follow Mind Medizin on Instagram

Speaking of dance music, I was listening to some (dance music) last week whilst doing my proper job. It was a continuous mix by a bloke I (honestly) had a dream about last night.

Have a listen. I won't tell you what I think about it until you've listened to the whole thing, ok?

Here:

REKIDS · HOUSE OF REKIDS MIX 02 | Man Power

It's good, isn't it?

My favourite track on it is that Hot Mess one.

I can't remember too many details about the dream I had last night, but it was something to do with me, Man Power and an unidentified woman starting up a makeshift party at the back of my Nanny Doreen's garden, in a big, metal shed. I was shifting vinyl about the place and sorting out some cables. I had a nagging feeling like I wasn't wanted there, and that I should just go inside and have a jam sandwich with my nan instead, but I carried on regardless, in awkward silence.

And was the party a great success? I don't know, my alarm went off and I had to go and sort out the bins.

Monday is bin day in Hillingdon.

What else is going on? Well, I've been trying to reach out to Frank Bruno because I need a celebrity to host the next episode of Radio Ruislip, and I know he'd be perfect for it. Know what I mean, Harry?! LOL

Also, I'm very pleased to say that Postman Pat delivered my new ACID t-shirt from the people at I Love Acid the other day. When the sun puts his hat on again, I'll start wearing it around Eastcote and Ruislip. Until then, it's stopping on that coat hanger.

BUY ONE HERE: Acid Whooosh t-shirt | I Love Acid / Balkan (bandcamp.com)

Other than that, I've been doing bugger all to do with dance music and social media, and LOADS all to do with actual real life. How it should be, really. Oh! I finished watching Gomorra season 5 last week and I remembered that there's quite a few hilarious dance music lookalikes in it, so maybe I'll get a special Gomorra Hilarious Lookalikes post up for Friday, to keep the content flowing.

If not, I'll definitely be back next week with Frank Bruno presents...Radio Ruislip.

Let the boxer...see the blogger!!!

Bye!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Dan Swindle

Last week's post concentrated its entire concentration on Eastern Sounding Dance Music, which - if I'm truthful with myself - was a bit narrow-minded. Last week, I thought it was a great idea, but this week it all seems a bit like walking down Walsall Market and only stopping to stare at the luggage stall when I could be taking in the sights and sounds of the fruit stall, the clothes stall and the vape stall, too.

What I'm trying to say is that there is more to dance music than clothes and vapes. You've got your luggage and your fruit, too. No. Hang on. There's more to Walsall Market than Eastern Sounding Dance Music. No. Oh dear, I am in a muddle.

This all feels like a funny Two Ronnies sketch, doesn't it? LOL

Anyway, what I'm really trying to say is that about a minute after publishing my last post about Eastern Sounding Dance Music, I went into a coma. I don't know how or why, and the NHS have been useless; they can't tell me why it happened, or how. In fact, they don't even believe that I went into a coma and have since accused me of wasting hospital time and causing a public nuisance for turning up at Northwick Park with a loud hailer and demanding to speak to both the Matron (about my condition) and the Chief Executive Officer of the NHS (about getting signed off the blog, long-term, for clinical writer's block).

I'm going to end up in the loony bin if I'm not careful.

Can I say that these days?

I suppose if I am a looney, then I can say it. I'm owning it.

Speaking of looneys, whilst I was in a coma, the lads at Dispersion PR sent me a compilation of brand new remixes on the Heist Recordings label. For those of you who aren't as trendy as me, Heist is Dan Swindle's label. For those of you who aren't as in the know and cool as me, Dan Swindle is a young, hip, up-and-coming Human Resources manager for the United States Air Force who, in his spare time, creates beats that are harder than me trying to park a Dodge in a two-car garage when the temp goes up to the mid-80s and I'm really drunk, etc. Dan is a great guy, too, he once stepped out of his comfort zone and helped out with th...no. Sorry. I got that wrong, it's not Dan Swindle, it's Dam Swindle. Sorry, guys.

Dam Swindle, obviously, are the Dutch lads who have brought this brilliant compilation into the world.

How brilliant is it, Best Promos?

Really brilliant.

It's called The Round Up Pt. 10. I've not heard parts 1 to 9 so I can't say if it's the best one of the bunch, but it is really good. In fact, I'm going to give it a WHOPPING 10/10 and suggest that you go out and buy it today!

Heist Recordings - The Round Up Pt. 10 is OUT NOW on Heist Recordings.

My favourite track on it is Owo (Crackazat Remix). Proper nice spring/summer tune.

Buy the album now: The Round Up Pt. 10 | Heist Recordings

Follow Dam Swindle on Instagram
Follow Heist Recordings on Instagram

As we're now in the market for spring/summer tunes, have a listen to this 80s reissue of Once Bitten by the flamingly 80s looking Kim Yaffa from the excellently-named LA label, Pleasure of Love. It's the kind of tune you could play anywhere there's a beach or a pool, or at an Only Fans House Party. Or on a Poolside NTS mix. Or in your back extension to impress your missus and kids.

I've been playing Once Bitten a lot whilst writing this post. I had to run down to Ruislip Lido in my Bermuda shorts with my laptop under my arm because of how blissful and sunny it is. Everyone in the pirate ship playground loved it. Have a listen:

You can't. Sorry. There's a radio embargo on it until Friday 8 March.

I'll tell you what, though, I asked the GamesMaster if he had any Kim Yaffa cheats and he said that if you load up the Pleasure of Love Bandcamp page, press up down down down left A A A B Select up up left right B and Select, a preview button appears for the 1988 Original Mix which you can listen to.

If I had a gun to my head, I'd give this release a MASSIVE 10/10.because of how pleasurable it is to write a dance music blog to.

Pre-order it now: Once Bitten | Kim Yaffa | Pleasure of Love

Follow Pleasure of Love on Instagram

The first thing I did when I came out of my coma was ask how many Ran$om Note releases I'd missed. The pepped up junior doctor rushing through A&E didn't have a clue what a Ran$om Note Records was. I told you the NHS is useless. They're on their knees, mate. I'm going to Bupa the next time I trip into a coma.

Do you remember Coma Cat? Great tune.

When I got home from the hospital, I asked ChatGPT what the latest release on Ran$om Note Records is and they came back with a right load of old codswallop!

There's been more since that Earthquake compilation, but my favourite is the latest Bawrut remix pack called Bawrut Remix Pack. It's four ace remixes of four of his ace tunes.

Can you imagine being three or four pills deep in a basement when this one comes on?

It would send you round the bend...in a good way.

Every track on this pack is r-r-r-r-r-really good, but that Nandele Noize one is my fave. It reminds me of the type of stuff I used to hear at Foreign Muck at The Key.

Ahh, the good old days. Do you remember that dance floor with the flashing lights on it?

So, for bringing back memories of light-up dance floors, Ivan Smagghe and Boris Horel, I hereby award Bawrut Remix Pack a SEXY 10/10!

Buy it now: Remix Pack | Bawrut

Follow Bawrut on Instagram
Follow Ran$om Note on Instagram

Walsall Market, yesterday

That was a good post, wasn't it? I think I feel better after that writer's block induced coma. I'm raring to go again.

I feel in such a good mood that I need to scream about these cool new dance t-shirts I saw down Walsall Market at the weekend. I liked them so much that I bought one for me, one for my dad and one for the Bounce By The Ounce man to model. Have a look:

They're made of 100% cotton and some wool, and come in black or grey. Whatever colour takes your fancy, and they have all sorts of sizes, so you can get one if you're a slim, fit fella like me OR if a big, fat, lazy get on a mobility scooter like most of the young people I saw trundling around Walsall Market. It's the new fashion sensation that is sweeping the nation: ACID t-shirts by I Love Acid / Balkan.

But don't just take our word for it. Everyone in dance is raving about them...

"You'll be the belle of the ball in these fantastic, fashionable ACID t-shirts." - Erol Alkan

"10/10" - Best Promos

"If you're not wearing one this summer, you're just NOT cool. Sorry, not sorry." - Allister Whitehead

"When I wear my ACID t-shirt in the DJ booth, I feel like a million dollars...and no mistake!" - Allister Whitehead

"Come on." - Man Power

"Say whaaaa?! These terrific ACID t-shirts are only fifteen pounds?! You're kidding me! You're serious? Wow. Where can I buy a few for me and my friends? The I Love Acid / Balkan Bandcamp page? It's that simple? Ok! I gotta get them all!" - Allister Whitehead

Why not join in the ACID t-shirt craze this year and buy one for yourself? I haven't yet...but I will!

Buy one now: Acid Whooosh t-shirt | I Love Acid / Balkan

Follow I Love Acid on Instagram
Follow Posthuman on Instagram (I thought I was already, but I wasn't. Soz!)

I'm off now. Bye. See you next week. Bye. Bye.

Bye bye * waving emoji *

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

The ULTIMATE Guide to Eastern Sounding Dance Music

An offer of employment for anyone here at Best Promos is a Walford-like cause for celebration, and I’m still wriggling with delight at the idea of writing for a grown-up website, even if this bit is hidden behind a 16-foot-tall mystery “pay wall”. How many people will read about my love of eastern sounding dance music? Will anyone care if I prefer eastern sounding dance music to normal dance music? Who am I? Will I turn anyone onto eastern sounding dance music by writing this? I suppose if I can get just one Quietus reader into eastern sounding dance music, then I can move on with my life knowing that I’m now not the only person in the world who likes eastern sounding dance music.

Today's 'EXCLUSIVE only to Best Promos' post is all about eastern sounding dance music. Do you know what I mean? Eastern sounding dance music, or ESDM as the American candy kids are now calling it, is dance music with a melody that sounds a bit eastern, like something out of Aladdin or Prince of Persia.

Do you know what I mean? My kids don't.

When I sat my children down last week and gently opened up about my love for eastern sounding dance music, they said, "What? Do you mean The Egyptian Dance from the opera, Samson and Delilah?" After I'd calmed down and put my belt back around my waist, I said, "kind of, girls, but with a dance beat behind it."

Liking eastern sounding dance music is difficult to explain; there are so many genres of electronic music that have eastern sounding sections and phrases in them, which is why I always wear my Disco Halal t-shirt now. When dance fans stop me in Ruislip and ask me what kind of music I like, I just lift my shirt, I mean, jumper and point at the t-shirt underneath. Say no more.

I want to spread the joy, so I am today listing five eastern sounding dance music tracks that will set you off on your journey of eastern sounding dance music discovery, and I’m going to love every minute of it because listing eastern sounding dance music tracks for The Quietus on Best Promos is like making love to a beautiful woman: you start off slow and speaking Turkish, and by the end of the list you’re urgently, and extremely seriously, going at it like the clappers at around 140bpm.

Will you ever see that beautiful woman again? I reckon that after reading this, you’ll be eyeing up engagement rings in the Argos catalogue before the end of January.

Modern Folk Üçlüsü featuring Aysegul Aldinc - Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit)

At only 104 beats per minute (and with loads of Turkish vocals on it) Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit) by Modern Folk Üçlüsü is the perfect track to open this list with. Modern Folk Üçlüsü are an old-fashioned, boring looking band from donkeys years ago who made mostly rubbish music in Turkey (I don’t know who Aysegul Aldinc is).

Nobody had ever heard of them until the corking Barış K edit of their jaunty Dönme Dolap song was included in the Barış K-compiled Istanbul 70 compilation in 2011, and now EVERYBODY has heard of them! It’s a great warm up track for a trendy disco and if you don’t like it, you must have something missing.

You’re a dingbat.

The Maghreban - Revenge (feat. Rutendo Machiridza)

Let’s get cooking. I’m leading you into the bazaar now. Can you taste the eastern flava? The Maghreban, 45, is a very dear social media friend of mine, but I’m only friendly with him because he has an eastern sounding DJ name with an eastern looking logo.



Disappointingly, though, he doesn’t make loads of eastern sounding dance music, and I’ve just spent about half an hour going through his Bandcamp page trying to find something I can crowbar into this article. Revenge is the best I could come up with. It’s Grrrrrilliant and it sounds a bit eastern. Mmm.

Magic Mainline Orchestra – Xumba Xumba (Eden Burns Remix)

The original Xumba Xumba by Spanish dance experts, Magic Mainline Orchestra, is one of the most uplifting and fun pieces of music to have ever come out of Europe in 2021, so I feel a bit bad for choosing the Eden Burns remix. I’ve chosen it for two good reasons, though: 1) it’s a couple of minutes longer than the original, and 2) it’s got a church organ in it.

I go to church every Sunday morning (big up to Father Michael at St. Paul’s in Ruislip Manor), and whenever Jean cranks up the organ, my feet begin to tap and I’m transported, in my head, to a far away land where manic munchkins chant “Xumba Xumba” over and over again on top of a funky beat and an even funkier eastern sounding top line that nobody in the congregation except for me and the Sunday School children would realistically appreciate.

Niv Ast - Tutto Bene (feat. Ruty Klein)

Is this cheesy or is this brilliant? This is the new one on Disco Halal, so if it’s not brilliant…I’ll eat my t-shirt.

 

I’ve just had a re-listen and it is brilliant. I’ve opened all the windows at Best Promos HQ, taken my jumper off and turned the volume up to full whack. Everyone in my street is dancing and singing along to the lyrics in their living rooms: I can see them through the net curtains with my binoculars. It’s bin day today in Eastcote and all the bin men and bin women are skipping, high fiving each other and laughing as they empty my food waste into their enormous, four-wheeled mega bins. Postman Pat has just delivered this week’s copy of The Quietus and given me a thumbs up and an OK sign whilst nodding his head and whistling along to Tutto Bene. There goes Noel in his massive Audi Q4 e-tron with a face like thunder. I absolutely love living in Ruislip.

DJ Zigi - Dancing On A Ceiling (Tony De Vit X-Tended Mix)

Okey doke. We’re at the end, but as I said earlier, we’re not finishing on a floppy downer, we’re climaxing with a hydraulic jackhammer that will leave everyone involved feeling satisfied, stretched, used, drained, and with a deeper understanding of eastern sounding dance music. 

This track, for me, has everything; it’s hard, it’s fast, it’s eastern sounding and I first heard it on the Tony De Vit Elements CD when I was a teenager, so it’s very evocative. Academically speaking, Dancing On A Ceiling by DJ Zigi is a no-nonsense 90s hard house composition that TDV has cleverly reshaped and distilled for the drugged-up thickos in Birmingham to get them gurning even more, and that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day.

It’s also got the most OTT, comically sounding eastern melody out of all of the tracks on this list, so it gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from me.

I think that’s me done now. I’ve had quite enough of listening to eastern sounding dance music for today, thank you very much…

…I’m off to listen to some eastern sounding rock ‘n’ roll now! LOL

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

No Matching Suggestions

When I first heard that a shed was remixing a Sven Von Thülen track, I said, "hang on a minute, how the cowin' hell is a shed going to know its way around a bleedin' DAW! It couldn't even keep vertical in the middle of Storm Dudley!"

(My ego had taken over. I naturally assumed it was MY shed that was remixing Sven Von Thülen. I'm such a big head.)

I hollered at the team in a deep American accent, which caught their attention, "since when is my muthaflippin' shed being allowed to do remixes?!"

Pottsy being Pottsy, he took his trousers down, which made everyone laugh, and then excitedly screeched that it was Shed, not a shed, who was doing the remix! I felt like a right dingbat.

To be honest, though, Body Music (Shed Remix) by Sven Von Thülen does actually sound like it's been remixed by my shed! It's a right bloody racket. It's distorted beat after distorted bleep for about five minutes. There's no melody whatsoever and because I had it on full whack when I listened to it on the Best Promos office Funktion-One rig behind my desk, it's given me a headache. The original has at least got a bit of top line in it, but even that is just looped over and over and over again, like a circle.

Do I like this release?

Hell no...

...I love it! LOL

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen - the original and the Shed remix - is just the type of music you want to dance to in a nightclub. When you're buzzing your boobs off in a warehouse on pingers and poppers, the last thing you want to hear is Kings of Tomorrow or Don't Call Me Baby, you want the type of stuff that is going to make you bow your head, purse your lips, frown, close your eyes and stomp aggressively on the spot like a drugged up 2-year old girl as stranger massages the crown of your head.

Do you know what I mean?

So, with all that said, I can only award this release a STOMPIN' 10/10. Well done, guys.

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen (and Shed Remix) is out on FRIDAY 10 NOVEMBER on Work Them Records

Pre-order it here: Body Music

Follow Sven Von Thülen on Instagram

Follow Shed (I think?) on Instagram

Follow Work Them Records on Instagram

Oooh. I've just heard an email notification alert on my computer. A ping. I'm waiting for an email back from The Quietus, you see. I applied to be their senior dance music correspondent executive last week. I sent my cover letter and CV off, so this is probably from them to say that they'd be delighted to have me on board! I know they're a bunch of clever clogs, but I can hold my own; I left school at 16 with a big, shiny C in my English GCSEs.

Right. I'll be back in a minute, readers. Probably with some good news! I'll need a glass of champers, no doubt! Tee hee!

Oh. It was an email from the Republic of Ireland :-(

:-)

The shadowy CEO of Apartment Records has written to me to keep me in the loop about a new release on their label by a Glaswegian, I mean, Galwegian, called Belacqua. The release is called Dropped Balls, so I was obviously intrigued. Not enough male producers tackle (pardon the pun) the issue of puberty and scrotal plunge, so a big up to Belacqua for having the balls (pardon the pun) to get to grips (pardon the pun) with it (pardon the pun) in such an open and honest way.

And what a way! Dropped Balls kicks off with a low tempo BANGER called Gunnish which sounds a bit like the intro to As Heard on Radio Soulwax Pt. 2, the version of Jack The Ripper by Screamin' Lord Sutch that The White Stripes used to do and that Peter Gunn song.

Maybe that's why he called it Gunnish? Hmm. Anyway, it sounds fab with a couple of red wowies and seven lines of Charlie chalk inside you. Trus' me.

So, we've established that it's a great piece of music, sure, but I'm not sure what it's got to do with the process of physical changes through which a child's body matures into an adult body capable of sexual reproduction. Belacqua - get in touch so we can discuss.

The rest of Dropping Balls is brilliant, but I won't go into too much detail. I suggest you BUY them all on the Apartment Records Bandcamp page and make your own mind up. It's all a bit mad and DIY, though, in a good way. There's also a nice remix of Gunnish by Marshall Applewhite which sounds like he's just added the original to Ableton, changed the Transient Loop Mode to Loop Forward and reduced the Transient Envelope number to about 50.

If I had a gun to my head (don't worry, readers, I haven't! LOL), I'd give Dropped Balls a well hung 10/10

Buy it NOW: Belacqua - Dropped Balls

Follow Belacqua on Instagram

Follow Marshall Applewhite on Instagram

Follow Apartment Records on Twitter and on Instagram

For DJ @ewanmcvicar_ Ayr will always be home.

See more in #TUNE on @BBCiPlayer 👉 https://t.co/HfCl3k6bbY pic.twitter.com/9SS640e956

— BBC Scotland (@BBCScotland) June 13, 2023

Speaking of non-English dance music people, I watched a nice video this morning whilst I was sat on the bog. It was a new clip on the BBC Scotland Twitter that appeared in my feed of Scottish Ewan McVicar talking about putting on a festival in Scotland, rather than playing in Mia...

...hang on a minute, this video is from June! Twitter is properly crap nowadays, isn't it? LOL

So, actually, this is interesting. We're covering English, Irish and Scottish DJs today on Best Promos which begs the obvious question:

Why aren't there any Welsh DJs?

I might elaborate on this question next week because I just can't be bothered to (elaborate) at the moment. It's definitely food for thought, though. Where are they all?

Speaking of Ewan McVicar, his Geordie pal, Man Power, is playing loads of his records with Erol Alkan on Friday in North Shields, with Tony Y Not in New York on the Saturday and with Club Tularosa the following Friday in Los Angeles. He did a post about it on Instagram and I promised to beef up the ticket sales by promoting it all on Best Promos.

This Friday night, I'm taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip, on the Saturday the wife is babysitting for the in-laws, so I'll be staying in with the kids in Ruislip, and the following Friday night I'll be taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip.

Now who's the winner?

Come on.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Man Power / Me Me Me (@manpowermusic)

And finally, our donk remix of that Beatles song is doing better than ever. Almost 100 views in just 4 days is what I call going viral, and unless I'm proved otherwise, it's the ONLY donk remix of any Beatles song ever, so that's something, isn't it?

Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? If I'm not called up by Madonna to do her next album, I'll be very cowin' surprised.

I was going to do a bit about laughing gas being banned, and that the youth of today will now just start tickling each other in alleyways and street corners instead, but it was r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really crap, so I scrapped it.

Until the next time.

Yours sincerely,

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

^ someone needs to do a decent edit of this one ^