I'm back once again for the renegade master because I heard that the bloke who does Best Promos (that wrdm RIP OFF website) has bottled doing his dance blog because nobody cba to fucking read him. When I did a blog and multiple columns and articles for no mark websites like VICE and THUMP, I had thousands of boot licking morons reading my words every fucking DAY! I've had a look through Best Promos and it's CRAP. No swearing. No MASSIVE opinions. No having a pop at anyone in dance and no swearing. It's fucking CRAP, so when I saw on the Nextdoor app that he'd put the Best Promos URL up for sale at a knock down price, I bit the cunt's hand off. Literally.
I heard that everyone was saying I was dead. That I'd died of AIDS or in a boat crash. That was the rumour, but like all rumours, it was just a fucking rumour. I've been alive and well, living in Northolt, getting absolutely fucking terminated every other night with Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live and Draper on ecstasy e tablets and spliff smoke. I stride around telling everyone about how great I was at writing and everyone absolutely loves me for it.
Speaking of ugly DJs, that American DJ, Howard Stern, is ugly, isn't he? Proper fucking ugly. Not as ugly as Jeremy Healy, though. That orange cunt looks like he fell out the ugly tree face first into a bear trap that a North American brown bear had just blasted some fucking diarrhoea into! He's ugly, isn't he, ladies and gentlemen?!
I was sat on the shitter this morning listening to that new Scuba + Distance song, Opposites. It's really good, but I bought some cheap bog roll last week and it was crumbling to pieces as I wiped my arse. It's soft enough, not like the old primary school tracing paper, but crumbly. I had to get on my hands and knees to scoop all the ripped up bits of paper off the floor after I'd splattered the pan. I should have flushed the toilet and lit a candle before doing that, though, because what came out of my guts fucking RONKED. I could taste the iron, do you know what I mean?
Right. Let me have a look at my notes. It's been ages since I wrote a blog. Hang on.
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| Chubby Funster looking at some dance music |
He's like one of Ryan Giggs' poems: absolutely fucking shit.
Now that I'm back for good, there'll be loads more topical stuff like that coming out of your screen on a daily fucking basis. I'll need to get in touch with the Ran$om Note and let them know I'm ready to write every Friday for them again. Wil - get in touch, mate, and we'll thrash out a deal. I can bag an exclusive with Disco Bloodbath or something.
Have you ever noticed that the one with the beard out of ABBA looks exactly like Gerd Jansen? Have a look at the two hairy cunts side by side and see if you can tell who'sBANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Really, really sorry, guys! Sorry. I don't know who he is or how he got in here, but when I heard all of that swearing coming from my idle Best Promos server, I had to come and check it out and STAMP it out. See it, say it, see it.
That banging you heard was me smashing my lump hammer repeatedly into the face of the intruder who broke into Best Promos and soiled it with his, ahem, language. He's not breathing now, so I'm going to have to sort out the body and the blood. Not sure what to do with it, to be honest. If anyone has any tips for disposing of a dead body with an inside out face, please get in touch on the means below.
Ugh. I'll have to jump back onto Best Promos next week and clean things up a bit with a clean new post because I can't have this dirty one being the one that people see when they click on https://bestpromos4eva.blogspot.com - again, sorry about this. I should have deleted the Best Promos server last week instead of holding it in abeyance.
Again, again, again, if anyone knows how to get rid of a definitely dead body without the police finding out, get in touch...
Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/
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ReplyDeleteI chucked him in a nearby skip and covered him in rubble.
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