MASSIVE Music: Volume 11

I've been treating the Hillingdon Council bin men this morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Not with tips, cups of tea or friendly banter, but with dance music! LOL. What I do, every Monday morning, is move my massive Edifier speakers to the living room windowsill, open the windows (even if it's cold) and crank a few dance EPs up to twelve or thirteen. This morning was a corker.

For the audio nerds who read this: the Edifier speakers are connected to my Pioneer DDJ-SB3 controller with cables that have got red and black ends. The DDJ-SB3 is connected to my HP laptop via a black USB cable.

After powering on the speakers with my little remote control, I browsed my crates in Serato, nimbly navigating to exactly where I needed to be with cute finger twists, rolling the dial between my thumb and forefinger in a very professional manner. I was nodding my head and pouting despite not having yet loaded a track. I loaded White Label by Kellen303 into Deck 1 and pressed Play.

"IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED..." and so on and so forth.

This message, delivered in a nonchalantly English style, motivated the bin men outside to work a little bit harder because they didn't know whether or not the person playing this aggressively moody music was an 18-stone pagga enthusiast who hhhhhhhhates bin men (not me) or an 11-stone weakling who loves listening to dance promos (me). White Label is the first song on Kellen303's life's different now EP and, to be honest, it doesn't get any less bleak.

Check out his Rinse FM mix for a scary jaunt through his spooky record/MP3 collection...

Rinse FM · Keysound with Kellen303 & SPD - 26 August 2021

Anyway, The Dream has got a dance beat behind it with a load of random noises over the top. One of them sounds like a repeating rain drop that's been recorded, sampled and over-layed with an audio effect that I've not yet listened to in Ableton - in a good way.

After that, you've got Life's Different Now. This one has some proper dance beats every now and again before going to more weird noises and sound effects. I played it to my dead nans in a dream I had last week and they both said, "it's just a load of bloody noise, Kev. Turn it off." So I did.

I travelled all the way to the Walsall area of Heaven to get that customer feedback. Hope Kellen303 appreciates that.

The Roots VIP mix of the track my dearly departed nans didn't like sounds a bit like the original, but 

with different beats and sounds.

Speaking of dreams, I caught up with Kellen303 during my sleep last night/this morning. I asked him if he'd used his time during the pandemic to come up with any fancy tricks or solutions to the age old problem of breaking down creative barriers.

"Hi Kellen303. Thanks for meeting me in my dreams. Have you used your time during the pandemic to come up with any fancy tricks or solutions to the age old problem of breaking down creative barriers?"

“During the pandemic, I learned that if I set an intention before going to sleep I could use my dreams as tools to solve creative barriers I had while awake.”, explained Kellen303. “There’s a surreal eeriness that comes from this practice.”, he went on.

"Did you ever read Brandon Block's thesis on music as therapy in the New Scientist? Was there anything in Brandon Block's essay that you have used to deal with any feelings of isolation?"

“Using music as therapy during this time, the songs are a reflection of my feelings in isolation and wanting to fill the first club I played with as much bass as possible when the pandemic was over.”

"Thanks Kellen303."

That was a bit of fun, wasn't it, and the bin men certainly enjoyed it. By the end of the Roots VIP mix, they were all on the wall of my front garden, gyrating, twerking and doing the big fish, little fish rave dance, bless them. "Don't forget my food waste this week!", I called out through the net curtains in a deeper than normal voice.

The life's different now EP by Kellen303 gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from me.

It's out on Friday 25 March, but not sure where to buy it from.

Keep clicking on the Kellen303 Bandcamp page: Kellen303 Bandcamp

Keep refreshing the Keysound Recordings Bandcamp page: Keysound Bandcamp

Follow Kellen303 on Twitter: @Kellen303

The bin men had moved onto the next street by the end of the Kellen303 EP, so I have to abandon that amusing premise now. Which is no bad thing.

Is it?

What's next? Acid Arab...

If, like me, you're crazy about the Arabs and you enjoy Acid and French musicians, you'll LOVE the new Remixed album of loads of Acid Arab songs on Crammed Discs! I just wish it was out sooner that the 1 April 2022 release date!

"What's it like, Best Promos?"

Well, it starts off with an Ammar 808 remix of Laba Staifia. It's quite tribal and it's got a woman wailing about something. I can't understand a bleedin' word she's going on about, to be honest with you. It's fab, though. Deep Dish would have played it in the 90s.

After that, it's the Delmore remix of La Hafla. This one starts with a snake charmer playing an Eastern ditty to try and get an Eastern snake to pop out of an Eastern basket before suddenly shape-shifting into a slowed down, vocal Eastern version of Silence Complot by South American Cute Heels.

Polo & Pan (not Pan-Pot) follow that with their remix of Staifia. It's very slow and it's got another woman singing in a language I'm not able to understand. I only got an F in GCSE French, so I can't be expected to get my head around this, sorry. If anyone can let me know the lyrics to this song, I'll review it properly at a later date. Sorry Acid Arab and Polo & Pan. I'm not sorry to Pan-Pot.

Hang on a minute, what's this? Ooh. I like it. 4/4 drums. Sticks being banged. A nice hi-hat pattern and a bouncy hard house bassline. Saucy male vocals. Lovely stuff. I like this one, oh yes. What is it?

The Reflex, of course! I like him a lot. His remix of Groove Is In The Heart is proper good, innit? The Reflex is one of those rare artists who never seems to put anything crap out, and I think he's a bit under-appreciated, to be honest. Check out his stuff, buy it all and you'll never be stuck in the middle of a set. The Reflex remixes and revisions act as a dancefloor safety net. I just made that up off the top of my head, and it's true. Ejma (The Reflex Revision) is my favourite track on this release.

Soulan (Laolu Remix) is good. Soul Clap would definitely play this at some point during the evening.

I was intrigued by the Mr Boom remix of Rajel because I think the name Mr Boom is funny, but it's a bit too bonkers for me, this one. It's all over the shop. Maybe if I was on a dancefloor with a pint in my hand and a load of gear in my system it would make more sense. On a Monday lunchtime with a cup of tea, it's just noise.

I'm tired now, I shouldn't have committed to reviewing the entire album. I'll just say that the rest of the remixes are wicked and you should definitely put your hands in your pockets and make Acid Arab rich beyond their wildest dreams by buying this on their Bandcamp when it comes out on April Fools Day (1 April 2022 on Crammed Discs).

Remixed receives an Eastern-flavoured 10/10 from all of us here at Best Promos.

Remixed by Acid Arab and friends is out soon, not sure where to buy or pre-order yet. LOL. I'm useless!

Keep clicking on the Acid Arab Bandcamp page until it appears: Acid Arab

Do the same on the Crammed Discs Bandcamp page: Crammed Discs

Follow Acid Arab on Twitter: @AcidArab

Follow The Reflex on Twitter: @TheReflexMusic

Follow Crammed Discs on Twitter: @CrammedDiscs

Hmm. I think I've jumped the gun with all the promos this week. None of them are available to pre-order yet and there aren't any YouTube or Soundcloud clips to embed. Hmm. I know, I'll tell the promo companies and artists that I'm just creating a buzz. By the time this influential blog post makes its way around the dance music global community, Kellen303, Acid Arab and Radio Hell will be all that anyone will be talking about. I'm a good blogger. This is definitely not a waste of my time.

Is it?

Hey readers, did you know that Radio Slave and DJ Hell have been knocking about with one another and making some dance tunes? No? Well, they are, and they've called themselves Radio Hell because Radio Slave is the Radio bit of Radio Hell and DJ Hell is the Hell bit of it. Geddit? It's a bit like when Hulk Hogan and Macho Man teamed up and called themselves the Mega Powers. No, it's not like that. It's more like when The Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man became the Ultimate Maniacs! Hmm, no, even that doesn't work properly. Sorry.

Anyway, I received a whispered email last week from Will Hofbauer (the Will Hofbauer) at Dispersion PR, whispering in hushed tones to whisper to me that Radio Slave and DJ Hell had finally made the time to meet up in Radio Slave's bedroom and make some music together. Whisper it, but I think these two songs they've written are breathtaking and they will probably be massive summer hits this year.

Will Hofbauer said it best when he screamed this at me down the telephone during our weekly team catch-up, "from the electro-influenced INTENSITY of Radio Hell to the melody infused techno of Lost Souls, This is Radio Hell is a release worthy of its creators' reputations as TWO of the most recognisable names in dance music over the past few DECADES and beyond. With both tracks clocking in at over 11 minutes, the release is EPIC in every sense of the word and is a fitting 200th release celebration for a label that has HOSTED some of the finest names in house and techno since its INCEPTION in 2006. RADIO EMBARGO! NO LISTED RADIO PLAYS BEFORE 8TH APRIL 2022"

Will Hofbauer there, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Like I said before, you can't pre-order this yet, I don't think, and you definitely can't play it on the radio for a while! Will made that loud and clear. I had a look on Niamh Ingram's Mixmag preview, too, and there was nothing there to steal either.

This is Radio Hell by Radio Hell is out on Rekids on 8 April 2022 and it gets an absolutely ginormous 10/10 on this blog.

Keep clicking on the Rekids Bandcamp page until it appears: Rekids

Do the same on the Radio Slave Bandcamp page: Radio Slave

And DJ Hell's Bandcamp: DJ Hell

Follow Rekids on Twitter: @Rekids

Follow THE Will Hofbauer on Twitter: @WillHofbauer

Follow Niamh Ingram on Twitter: @N_iamIngram

And finally, this meme has been going around all the worldwide WhatsApp laddish banter groups. I've had it forwarded to me many times. I think it's gone viral. Pretty cool, eh?

So, next week, I'll be doing a hilarious dance music memes special! Maybe with a few dance lookalikes thrown in.

It gets me out of writing properly. LOL.

Email me here: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter: @BestPromos4Eva

The Ambient Noise Special!

I know this is a trendy, underground blog that only three or four people in the know read, and the music I push on here is so, so edgy and avant-garde, but sometimes you (I) just want to listen to a bit of Phats & Small, don't we (I), ladies and gentlemen? The trouble is, HYPE Filter keep sending me ambient noise songs to review, which is no bad thing, but it's not exactly Phats & Small, is it?

The more I listen to ambient noise, the more I want to listen to artists like Phats & Small, or Phats & Small themselves. They should send this ambient noise stuff to people like Minimal Messages impresario, Chris SSG, or the Unsung Hunger money man, Tim Wilson. People like Chris and Tim appreciate this kind of music more than people like me...or do they? Maybe trendy wendy people pretend to enjoy ambient noise to make themselves look and sound more trendy wendy, but really - deep down - they blimmin' well hhhhhhhhhhhhate ambient noise and think it's boring, and when they're on their own, they stop scratching their beards and listen to Phats & Small, and artists like Phats & Small, with a massive Cheshire Cat grin plastered across their faces, winking at themselves conspiratorially in the mirror whilst washing their hands after going to the toilet. It's a very interesting theory, and it's one which I hope to be invited to expand on in essay form for Pitchfork, Crack Magazine, maybe, or The Quietus one day this year. Get in touch, guys.

My very dear friend, Harold "Edward" Heath wrote something equally pressing, and almost related, on his Twitter website last night that also needs addressing in the dance music community:

Why is there literally no techno made with major chords? What happens if you use like A major or something, do the techno police come round & ban you from Berlin? & why does it always have to be dystopian? How about some techno with major chords, nice melodies & jolly song titles

— Harold Heath (@HaroldHeathDJ) March 7, 2022

Interesting questions, but will they be answered by the powers that be? Whilst we wait, read the text of this promo I got sent about ambient Aussie noise gurus, Tilman Robinson and KCIN (pronounced: Kissin', I hope) and tell me you don't pine for the days when Phats & Small strode the charts:

SPIRIT LEVEL PROMO

Artist: Tilman Robinson and KCIN
Title: Requiem for the Holocene
Label: Spirit Level
Cat No: SPLE023DE
Release Date: 27th April

Requiem for the Holocene is an energetic, introspective and, at times, violent debut collaborative release from two exceptional experimental musicians. The release traverses loss, ecological lamentations, and shared visions of a chaotic future imagined long before Australia’s bushfire and Covid riddled 2020-21. The music is thick with throbbing bass and distortion heavy percussive textures but also pauses for breath with its shimmering, piano-rich title track. Collectively, the release is filled with dramatic tension and release.

Edited from live studio performances across 2018 and 2019 in Sydney and Melbourne, Requiem for the Holocene is oddly prescient in its expression of grief for the deterioration of the biosphere as pandemics and unprecedented seasonal disasters continue to ravage Australia in 2022. Requiem for the Holocene is a war cry; equally at home in the catalogues of lovers of noise, industrial techno and modern composition.

Ahh, it's about the deterioration of the biosphere in Australia. Blimey, that's a bit too heavy for this blog. Sorry readers. It's depressing when you really stop and think about it, isn't it?

I know...

Ahhhhhhhhh, that's better.

I think it's a really super release, though, so it gets a super 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.

Pre-order it on here when it's available to do so: Spirit Level

Follow Spirit Level on Twitter: @SpiritLevelCo

Follow Tilman Robinson on Twitter: @TilmanR

Next!

Blimmin' hell, HYPE Filter! I've got about seven more ambient noise albums in my inbox that I've promised them I'd review, but I haven't got the energy. Sorry! In fact, I think I'm going to cancel the Ambient Noise Special aspect of this post and go back to what I know best: listening to dance music songs and writing about them in a best, good and better way than what all the other dance blogs and websites write about it - and then scoring it all and them out of ten.

I've just been sent a couple of songs by a friendly, talking Bear. One of them is called Fashion Queen feat. Justin Vivien Bond (she sounds a bit rough) and the other one is called Black Pussy’s Revenge feat. Tobell von Cartier (she sounds posh), and they're both by a band called The Royal Academy Of Fierce. They're good songs and all, and I'm pretty sure Moby played them when I went to watch him DJ at Mars in 1990.

However, I took a walk down to Eastcote Library and did some research on The Royal Academy Of Fierce because I'd never blimmin' heard of them. I was down in the candle-lit Eastcote Library vaults and crypt, I was up and down them ladders with wheels on, I was sat at an old oak table, blowing dust off of loads of really thick books, or tomes as I like to call them, and I was in the music section looking for the Elton John book before remembering that I needed more information on The Royal Academy Of Fierce. Nothing. I was crestfallen and bored, so I walked to the nearest phone box and rang the Bear.

"The Royal Academy Of Fierce, Bear. I'm pulling up tree after tree here and landing on my arse each time. I need something, anything. Who the blimmin' hell are these guys? My Ambient Noise Special post this week depends on laying out exactly who this band is and why they're making such a mess of my chicken cutlets, okurrr. Oh blimmin' hell! I've not put any money in."

...ker-ching...dring dring...dring dring...

"Hunty bear, is that you? Listen, I gots to know who these mu*haf*ckas, The Royal Academy Of Fierce, are, okurrr?"

"Yas queen, I feel you, but I can't give these bitches up just like that, hunty!"

"Oh no she didn't?! Is this flock a house or just a lazy-ass pit crew? They better done got the Meryl Streep realness, bitch."

"Founded by US icon Larry Tee and Rekids label boss Radio Slave, The Royal Academy Of Fierce is a project inspired by underground drag culture and the unmistakable sound of early nineties New York house. Featuring Broadway star Justin Vivien Bond and drag sensation Tobell von Cartier, the first release from the project channels this raucous energy across a ferocious pair of club-ready tracks."

"What are they best known for?"

"Best known for writing the smash ‘Supermodel (You Better Work)’ for RuPaul, as well as a discography that includes seminal late 80s house cuts on Funtone and Quark alongside pivotal work with Princess Superstar, Scissor Sisters, Erasure’s Andy Bell, and Peaches, Larry Tee’s rep goes way beyond his coining of the ‘electroclash’ genre in the early 2000s. A literal party starter for decades, nights like Love Machine (NY), Super Electric Party Machine (London) and KRANK (Berlin), Tee’s a genuine cultural institution."

"Thanks. And when is this EP out?"

"The Royal Academy Of Fierce ‘Fashion Queen / Black Pussy’s Revenge’ drops via Rekids on 25th March 2022."

"Can I play it on this blog or on my imaginary radio station?"

"[RADIO EMBARGO] NO LISTED RADIO PLAYS BEFORE 25TH MARCH 2022"

"Oh well. Thanks Bear and all at Dispersion PR. Stay home, stay safe, protect the NHS. Oh, Bear...! Still there? Good. I score this release a WHOPPING 10/10"

Follow Rekids on Twitter: @Rekids

I'll post a link to where you can buy it when I get a link that tells you where you can buy it.

Blimmin' heck, readers, I didn't half get bored of using drag terminology in that bit! I thought it was an amusing idea, but I stopped after a couple of sentences. As a fun game you can play with yourself: see if you can notice when.

You don't meet many Germans called Ian, do you?

Badam Music · Meda - Nuit Blanche (Ian Pooley Remix) - preview

There are probably a lot more German people called Johannes, but I can't think of any other ones. It's probably like Jack, Oliver, Albi, Harrison, Kev, Alfie or Jacob over here (the UK).

Badam Music · Meda - Rescue Me (Johannes Heil Trueschool Rework) - preview

Both of these songs are great and you'd definitely dance to them both if they came on at Secretsundaze. I don't know why, but I can just imagine these - especially the Johannes Heil one - being played at a Secretsundaze party. Call me crazy! LOL.

I've got to, I've just got to give them both a blimmin' crazy 10/10 !!!

Meda - Remixes From The Vault is out on Friday 11 March on Badam Music. I don't know who Meda is.

Pre-order it here: Meda - Remixes From The Vault

Follow Ian Pooley on Twitter: @IanPooleyOFC

Follow Johannes Heil on Twitter: @Johannes_Heil

Well, that's the end of today's Ambient Noise Special. I hope you've learned a bit more about the ambient noise scene and walked away with a little bit more wisdom and understanding of the pressures those guys in the ambient noise scene have in keeping their listeners entertained, and the pressures the ambient noise fans have in keeping up appearances.

You know, my grandmother used to say there's nothing wrong with sitting down on your floor or chair or sofa or bed, putting on some industrial drone, telling everyone on your social media channels that you're listening to it, maybe posting a moody little video to prove it, and then whacking on Now Phats What I Small Music by Phats & Small and having a really good time.

All of us cool people lie about what they really enjoy, it's all part of the lifestyle. Don't feel embarrassed, guys.

I'm going to pretend to like this one now...

Stuff it, readers. Let's have a party!!! Woo hoo!!! Yeah, baby!

Woahhhhh! Drinks are in the kitchen!!!

Email me your best promos: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

I don't know how to allow people to subscribe to this blog, so if you want it direct to your mailbox, let me know on email and I'll do a distribution list or something *thumbs up emoji*

Right, let's carry on with this party...woo yeah!!! Toilet is up the stairs, first door on the right!!!

First Ten

The nicest man in dance, Spencer Parker, might shave his head and wear Stone Island, but that doesn't mean he's going to smash you in the back with a snookerball tucked into a sock as you attempt to shelter your young son from a gang of thick, dirty, cowardly Wolves fans in 1998 after your team has stuffed the Dingles two nil. He is definitely not a Wolves fan because you can see from the promotional photograph below that he has all of his teeth, and he looks cheerful, bright-eyed and quick-witted. A Wolverhampton Wanderers fan wouldn't know what an espresso is if you sat them down and explained very slowly and very loudly what it is, with photographs, nursery illustrations and cartoon videos of Pixar-style wolves drinking one, with Mr Tumble doing Makaton in the corner of the screen. They only drink cans of Relentless and Kasztelan. They are all that thick and stupid, and if you ask me, they have no business living amongst us: vile, useless beasts...ugh. Stop it.

Sorry Wolves fans, no offence.

Speaking of Spencer Parker, I received an email from an industry bigwig the other day called Henry Mather (he sounds posh). He urged me to listen to a new song by Spencer Parker called yes bb and review it on THIS blog. To say I was chuffed would be a lie...I was actually proud as punch! I'm listening to it right now, and it's a "yes baby" from me.

yes bb is over six minutes long and has got a tired sounding woman saying, "yes baby", over and over again - but it doesn't even get boring. It's got one of those hi-hat patterns that if you just concentrate on the percussion elements of the song, makes it sound like a train chugging along the track - if you're unable to isolate the percussion in your head, you might need to shush the people around you, tilt your head to one side and look determined - maybe close your eyes, too. Failing all that: take some illegal drugs like magic mushrooms, ketamin or e.

It's also got a 1-bar pad thing that happens that sounds ominous - in a good way. If there's a bassline on yes bb, I couldn't hear it. I listened to it on a pair of Trust PC speakers that is only good for listening to LBC, but I bet the bassline is brilliant, though. I don't know what key it's in, or what the BPM is because I haven't analysed it in Serato Pro yet. Spencer, get in touch and we can discuss keys and BPMs one day over an espresso in Eastcote. Tag is a nice place.

Bizarrely, I caught up with Fred P over the telephone last night for a bit of a gossip. I asked him if he'd heard yes bb yet...

"...no way? So where is the chicken and where is the egg?! Do you know what I mean, Fred? Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, you must have heard yes bb by Spencer Parker by now...what do you think of it? Truthfully..."

"Dope."

"Thanks Fred."

So, I promised Lord Henry I'd review this track. Hmm, let me think. Yes. I'll grant yes bb by Spencer Parker a WHOPPING 10/10

yes bb by Spencer Parker is out on Work Them Records on Friday 11 March 2022

Pre-order it here: yes bb

Follow Spencer Parker on Twitter: @Spencer_Parker

Follow Work Them Records on Bandcamp: Work Them Records 

I'm always banging on about Running Back on here, but you really can't go wrong with them. I bought the new Panoram song, Wandering Frames (Luca Lozano Remix), last night on Bandcamp. Read on to find out what I thought about it.

The first bit tricked me into thinking it was going to be a boring ambient track because it was just a pad and the odd clap, but then a kick drum appeared out of nowhere and knocked me sideways into the wall of my office at Best Promos HQ (Eastcote Division). After that, a tightly clipped hi-hat appeared out of nowhere and knocked me back into my seat before a weird sounding, loopy nonsensical vocal appeared out of nowhere and knocked me backwards onto the floor of my newly polished floor. What a track, but what I really needed was to get back up again, so thank God for the bleepy, monotone sounding top-line for rocking me back to my feet and making me shuffle about the office with a proper serious face on, almost pouting and voguing, pretending I was a Japanese podium dancer. And all of that is not to mention the bassline, which I can only describe as regular and deep. Woah, what a track!

And if you think that description is enough to make you spend €1.50 on that track alone, have a listen to the Soundcloud previews and the Quiet Village remix of Seabrain.

Running Back Records · Panoram - Quiet Village / Luca Lozano Remixes (RBINC008RMX)

For some reason, I initially thought that Quiet Village remix was by Martin Denny (1911-2005), but it's not.

Why not buy Wandering Frames (Luca Lozano Remix) now and pre-order the rest of the release...now? That's what I did, and Running Back haven't even asked me to advertise any of this, I'm not on their promo list or anything. I'm doing it all off my own bat because I think they're fab.

I therefore award the Quiet Village + Luca Lozano Remixes for Panoram a more than satisfactory 10/10

The Panoram Remixes is out on Running Back on Friday 25 March 2022

Buy/pre-order it here: PANORAM

Follow Running Back on Twitter: @RunningBackRec

Follow Quiet Village (Matt Edwards and Joel Martin - I can't find Joel on Twitter): @Rekids

Follow Luca Lozano on Twitter: @LucaLozano

Buy his stuff on Bandcamp: LUCA LOZANO

I'm still reading The Secret DJ Book Two and The Secret DJ presents Tales From The Booth. To speed things up, I hold Book Two in my left hand and Tales From The Booth in my right, then I make myself go cross-eyed and read Book Two with my right eye and Tales From The Booth with my left. It's a fantastic system and it seems to work really well for me. I'm on chapter twelve on each book now and I'm loving the bits about how secretive The Secret DJ has to be in order to keep his identity a secret from the fans and other not-so-secret DJs.

There's one hair-raising section in chapter 10 on Book Two where Roger Cook almost discovers his identity by hiding in the Secret DJ's record box during a Foreign Muck set at The Key in 2004. I won't say what happens - you'll have to buy the book yourself and read it - but it goes without saying that Roger Cook doesn't know what has hit him after The Secret DJ's 22-stone bouncer finds Roger Cook in the record box, drags him out by his hair and wails him in the toilets, eventually putting him in hospital with massive internal bleeding and a sore nose. You'll have to read all about that yourself, though.

Buy The Secret DJ Book Two: Book Two

Buy The Secret DJ presents Tales From The Booth: Tales From The Booth

Follow The Secret DJ on Twitter: @SecretDJBook

And finally, it was Pancake Day here at Best Promos last night, so I treated my team to plates and plates of yummy pancakes. I had lemon and sugar on all of mine, the rest of the team enjoyed theirs with Nutella and sliced banana. We drank bucket loads of Vimto and listened to The Best of Chic followed by The Very Best of Chic. It was a real party atmosphere - you would have loved it! Hilariously, I had a go at tossing a pancake and almost dropped it on the floor. Thankfully, it stayed in the pan.

Get in touch with your funniest Pancake Day stories on the channels below...and keep them clean!

Email me YOUR best promos and pankcake stories: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me YOUR wacky pancake anecdotes: @BestPromos4Eva

Old Men Start It, Young Men Fight It, Nobody Wins, Everybody In The Middle Dies, And Nobody Tells The Truth

I know I was moaning about how crap the weather was last year, and that we all need a long, hot summer, but I don't fancy a nuclear tan in 2022, Vlad. Calm down, mate, it's not worth it - and whilst the team here at Best Promos would love to take Liz Truss's challenge to take up arms (and bazookas), travel to Ukraine and get stuck into some high-end military pagga with the Russians, we simply can't. None of our passports are up-to-date, unfortunately, so we have to stay in Eastcote and support the cause in different ways.

How?

Well, the tech team here have, in the last few days, successfully applied to join Anonymous. The back-end geeks who keep this blog running have been working 24-hour shifts to ensure the following tasks and assaults are carried out in the name of justice and UK social media banter:

• RECODING of Putin's big red button to play the Family Fortunes buzzer instead of launching an atom bomb
• DDOS attacks against Vladimir Putin's computer
• HACKING of the official Kremlin digital DAB radio
• DEPLOYMENT of billions of botnet cyber malware agents to be installed on all Russian military rocket launchers, hand-grenades, chain guns and bazookas
• SPAMMING of the Russian equivalents of ITV, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, ITVBe, CITV and ITV +1
• CRACKING of all Russian code in order to annoy all Russian coders
• SHUTDOWN of all Bandcamp pages operating from inside Moscow
• WHITE HAT ethical malicious kerberos cyber HTTP anti-drives on all Russian-based Pioneer DJ controllers to switch Rekordbox with Serato Pro, and vice versa.

I made the last one up. LOL. They can't stop us laughing.

Perc · Scalameriya - Warbeast (Perc Trax)

To expand, Best Promos, along with Anonymous, have made the new Scalameriya song, Warbeast, play on a continuous loop on the Russian equivalent of ITV, so that when Putin wants to watch Улица Коронации, he is met with the full force of the latest Perc Trax hit single. If he tries to change channel to whatever their BBC One is, he is then met with the tough beats and warped vocals of Kiti Kimera, also by Scalameriya. By now, Putin is getting angry and orders his Chancellor of the Exchequer to bring him a cup of tea, but when the switch is flicked on the kettle it doesn't boil the water...it immediately starts to play the collapsing synth riffs of Elder Venus out of the spout, which is again by Scalameriya.

Panicking and confused - and still angry - the Russian president reaches for the 'on' button of the Kremlin digital radio and desperately stabs at it with one of his sausage fingers. Expecting to hear Smooth Radio, he is instead met with eleven tracks of cybernetic, synthetic techno that still has a warm heart at its core. Yes, we have hacked his digital radio so that it plays the full pre-release of Aeon Core by Scalameriya on Perc Trax.

Whilst still incredibly angry, Putin can't help thinking that this is an album that perfectly balances intricacy, rhythm and power, and if he were to give it a score out of ten, he'd have no option but to go with a WHOPPING 10/10.

Still, the dozy shit-house reaches for the Nuke Everyone button on his desk...

Not today, Vlad, not today.

Aeon Core by Scalameriya is out on Perc Trax this Friday, 4 March 2022

Pre-order it here: Aeon Core by Scalameriya

Follow Scalameriya on Twitter: @Scalameriya

Follow Perc Trax on Twitter: @PercTrax

Speaking of really evil sounding music, HYPE Filter sent me some MP3s of the new/old CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Blank Mind (was originally out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME when I was 11-years old). I was in a good mood after writing the stuff above about Putin off the cuff, but this stuff has sent me down a psychedelic wormhole of paranoia and bad nostalgia. In 2004, I sat on the sofa in my 2-bed Muswell Hill pad that I was renting, settled down with a few cans of Stella and did some magic mushrooms that I'd bought in Camden Market with a chum. About half an hour in, my Nokia 3310 went, I answered it and heard the devil say my name in quite a nasty way, and that was it: eight or nine hours of horror.

I was seeing Freddy Krueger's face everywhere I looked: up the walls, on the floor, all over the tiles in the bathroom, on my lap. It was a feeling not too dissimilar to that of being blasted in the brain with a bazooka. Sick stuff. At one point, I decided to go for a walk to Toff's, thinking a bag of chips and a bottle of pop would sort me out, but as I stumbled around the block, it felt like I was descending into Hell...Muswell Hell - LOL. I sat on the wall opposite the church and ate my chips, feeling really sorry for myself.

What finally helped was the VHS of Knowing Me, Knowing Yule with Alan Partridge I had. I stuck it on early evening and my mood lifted. Imagine watching that in the middle of summer on a mushroom downer and you'll be imagining the unimaginable "absolute gem for those who know urban, British psychedelic music" of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME. Not my words, Carol, those are the words of CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on Discogs.

For pure evilness and the trippy, mongy horribleness of it all (in a good way) I'll have to award this release a fab 10/10 !!! Well done, CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME.

It's out on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME on CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME, but God knows how you pre-order it. If I see some Soundcloud or Bandcamp links appearing anywhere soon, I'll share in future posts because it's a CONTENT REMOVED UNTIL THE OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT IN A FEW WEEKS TIME and you should defo get behind it - and Blank Mind have a proper cool logo. I reckon who ever came up with it watched a lot of Central News as a kid.

Here's the Blank Mind Bandcamp page anyway: Blank Mind

Follow Blank Mind on Twitter: @BlankMindLabel

I don't know what else I've been listening to this week. Some other stuff from HYPE Filter, but I haven't sat down and concentrated on them yet; Oliver Coates, Violet. I'll get around to them soon. I know (!), I had the Daniel Avery track, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix), on the other day whilst I made some lemon curd on toast and a cup of tea for breakfast. I opened the windows, pumped up the volume and shared it with the neighbours. The bin men were all high-fiving one another and jauntily strutting around to the beat as they struggled with the weight of my food waste, a bit like a small swarm of crows trying to carry a massive bazooka.

At five minutes and twenty five seconds, Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel 'Drone Logic' Avery is the perfect length to brew a cuppa, toast two slices of bread and then spread on enough butter and lemon curd to satisfy your needs. It won't be long enough for you to eat the toast and drink the tea, though. I'd suggest following the Daniel Avery track with Sad Days by Oliver 'Skream' Jones.

SKREAMIZM · Skream - 'Sad Days'

Sad Days is seven minutes and eighteen seconds long, more than enough time to comfortably eat two slices of toast and finish your cup of tea, and - weirdly - it came out exactly seven days before Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix). Very spooky.

Also, both songs have that melancholy/sadness sounding thing that loads of DJs like to end a mix CD with. Cheer up, fellas! But that is so weird, eh, readers??

If I had to, and I don't have to (but I will), I'd give both releases a retrospective 10/10 each.

Buy Lone Swordsman (Chris Carter Remix) by Daniel Avery here: THIS LINK HERE

Buy Sad Days by Skream: THIS LINK HERE

Follow Daniel Avery on Twitter: @DanielMarkAvery

Follow Skream on Twitter: @I_Skream

I'm logging off now. Bye.

Email me YOUR best promos, or stick me on your mailing list or something: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter: @BestPromos4Eva

Dance War IX

I hate the Internet. I was going to start this post with the hilarious premise that I'd just seen Ronnie Pickering, Jason Wells and the Wealdstone Raider at Heathrow, buying return (because they're definitely coming back, mate) tickets for Moscow. I found the idea of them going to knock out Putin in his own backyard, giving it the big 'un to the Russian soldiers, stopping World War III before it's already begun (oh, it has) and then swaggering back to the UK highly amusing.

I typed "Ronnie Pickering" into the search box on Twitter and about fourteen million people have already had him rocking up at the Ukrainian border. I don't think anyone has done a Jason Wells joke, though, so that makes me feel better about myself.

I remembered Jason Wells *proud face emoji*

Let's check out my inbox. Lots of emails from HYPE Filter that I haven't dealt with yet. Sorry, guys.

Hey, I was skateboarding around Shoreditch last night and I overheard a couple of hipsters in Hoxton Square bigging up the upcoming release on Fine Grains Records. One of them was casually styling his Hoxton fin and using a lot of trendy slang words; "Herman's upcoming r-r-r-r-release on Fine Grains R-R-R-R-R-Records is so bad - as in good!"

His mate arrogantly adjusted his Erol Makes The Kids Dance t-shirt, tucking it into his flared green and white houndstooth Farah trousers, his breath stinking of CK One; "Yeah, man. With pumping clubs like Egg, The End, The Cross and Plastic People starting to re-open, the Narcissus EP by Herman lands at the perfect moment. It is definitely not meh, you get me? What did you think of the tracks, bro?"

Then they just went back and forth a bit;

"Well, I r-r-r-r-r-r-really like Sol because it takes on a heady m-m-m-m-m-mix of tribal drums, haunting distorted vocal snippets and teasing breakbeats."

"And this is the essence of the Narcissus EP, as we go further down the rabbit hole into Herman’s world of deep myoclonus percussion. It's all that AND a bag of chips!"

"Yeah, it's r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really phat, man. Herman’s tale is furthered with r-r-r-r-r-remixes by two exciting emergent production talents - Holloway from the UK and Zohar in the Netherlands. The emphasis r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-remains on drums, slipping into some classic drums and bass flavour with Holloway and a powerful m-m-m-m-modern breakbeat r-r-r-r-re-shake from Zohar - her first ever r-r-r-r-r-r-r-remix!

"Let's NOT take a chill pill here, buddy, I'm totally buggin'. Narcissus is a call to arms for a return to those dark and sweaty nights we once shared with strangers on dance floors and dingy basements across the globe. Let’s get back to it. Anyway, let's bounce now...that dweeb from Best Promos is watching us again. He looks a bit evil."

I smirked, winked at them and evaporated, rematerialising shortly afterwards back at the Best Promos office in Eastcote to write up what I'd just overheard.

I really wanted Herman to be from Germany, but he's not. Herman the...Dutch, Surrey-based producer has got his Narcissus EP coming out on Thursday 24 March 2022 on Fine Grain Records, and I give it a M-M-M-M-M-MASSIVE 10/10

Pre-order it here: Narcissus EP
Follow Fine Grains on Twitter: @FineGrainsLabel

I received an email from Soul Clap yesterday with the subject header, New release from Soul Clap Records. I talked about this two weeks ago, regarding Disco Halal. I love the effort and the personalisation that my favourite record labels put in these days with me. Maybe it's because they know I'm writing a dance music review blog and they want me on side. People say that Andrew Weatherall was the first person in dance to write personalised notes to his fans, but I never received one. Did you?

Case closed.

I'm not on a Soul Clap Records promo list, so after clicking on the link that Bamboozle and Lonely C sent to me, I spent $6 on pre-ordering the EP and $2 on the one digital track available to purchase pre-release of the EP in full by the artist before the rest of the EP is available to purchase in full ahead of when that is. I hadn't even had a look to see who the artist is or what the song sounds like, THAT'S how much I trust Soul Clap Records and Soul Clap and Wolf + Lamb. Like Disco Halal and Running Back, you really can't go wrong with anything they put out.

After downloading the MP3, I had a listen and conducted some valuable research. It's a chap from Israel called Orio who made some really good music in Hong Kong during the 2020 Coronavirus-19 Pandemic.

Lost Dog is vocal funky shoulder-pad techno at it's very best, with licking guitar licks, a bassline that will live in your tummy for at least a month and a couple of people telling you to be gentle over and over and over again. I'll go gentle with the score I'm about to award it...a 10/10 !!!

It's out on Friday 25 March 2022

Pre-order Lost Dog by Orio here: Lost Dog EP

Follow Soul Clap on Twitter: @SoulClap

I do love a Kit Kat, so imagine how pleased I was to receive a promotional copy of the latest Vigliensoni album on Chez.Kito.Kat Records.

Kito Kat sounds a bit like Kit Kat, doesn't it, readers?

However, Clastic Music by Vigliensoni is as far away removed from taking a well-earned break at work with a Kit Kat as I am from a cuddle with 90s heart-throbs, Jordan and Jo Guest - it's that different and unobtainable. No, not unobtainable. That's not the word I was looking for, but I hope you understand what I mean.

Listening to Clastic Music is NOTHING like eating a Kit Kat. See if you can sit through this until the end:

vigliensoni ▂▂▅▅▇▇▓▓ · Shale (Edit)

That gave me a headache, and I'm not being funny, but the rest of the album is like this.

The promo letter that came with the music says that the album’s narrative progression is smooth, yet relentless, building large sonic spaces through deep rhythmic atmospheres, thick walls of bass, and incrementally layered melodies and textures, but if you ask me, it's the kind of music you'd enthusiastically play to a psychiatrist in order to get sectioned and chucked in the loony bin, and for that reason alone it has to be a 10/10

It's out on Thursday 7 March 2022

Pre-order it here: Clastic Music

I can't find Chez.Kito.Kat or Vigliensoni on Twitter, but if anyone reading this knows them, please forward this review on with my kindest regards. Ta.

I'll finish today's sermon with a pictorial review of the avant-garde, incredibly well-rehearsed and definitely not boring Damon Albarn gig I went to at The Barbican on Tuesday night (which gets a 10/10 from me for, if nothing else, blowing a digeridoo at the front row for a couple of minutes at the beginning).

I wasn't asleep, I was resting my eyes.

Email me YOUR best promos on: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me YOUR best promos on: @BestPromos4Eva

See you next time...or will I?

Dance Music Belly Laughs

With Europe on the brink of World War III, the UK limping on with a comedy Prime Minister, British storms blowing our British bins all over the road and Louis Theroux's new series not being as good as I wanted it to be, I couldn't bring myself to sit down and earnestly review anything today. Grave thoughts weigh too heavily on my massive mind, and I can't concentrate on the fab new promos I've been sent by HYPE Filter, so I'm shoving them all to one side and coming up with some light-hearted zingers, a few hilarious look-a-likes and the odd viral meme!

Today's post should really get the worldwide audience of Best Promos forgetting their troubles and laughing again.

Don't forget to share this on your social media channels to raise awareness under the hashtags: #DanceComedy and #LaughingMyHeadOff

Ok, here we go. Imagine I'm sat on a chair like Ronnie Corbett, clapping and smirking...

A young man wearing a Shamen t-shirt and carrying an A4-sized CHOON placard swaggers into a venue and sidles up to an older gentleman who's minding his own business. The youngster lifts his geometric, metal-framed sunglasses on top of his green dreadlocks and shouts with a transatlantic accent in the older man's good ear.

"Woooaaaaah there! Woooosh. Can you feel it? Yeah, man. Amazing beats in this joint!"

"Joint? You want a joint?"

"What? No thanks, man, I don't smoke. It's the only thing I don't do! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"No, a joint. Do you want a joint or not? A joint? There is no smoking in here, except for the ham. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But I can get you a joint if that's what you came in for."

"What? Where am I? I thought this was the Creamfields festival dance tent!"

"No, you're in the Manor Butchery in Ruislip."

"Wow. These love doves are strong, man. I didn't realise what was going on."

"I wouldn't know about that, Ted. So, a joint of beef or a joint of pork?"

"Jeepers, man, slow down. Let's just hug for a minute. I feel like we have a connection...don't you?"

The young man and the old man share a long, firm cuddle, occasionally moving their hands up to platonically massage each other's scalps, the sound of Steppa's Ball by Monkey Mafia enveloping them both as the scouse hoards lift them up, crowd surfing them towards the Big Beat stage and a state of euphoria and shared transcendence neither of them had ever experienced before. They were in the Creamfields festival dance tent after all, and the old man was actually the young female presenter of CLUBAVISION on ITV!

LOL!!! What a twist!

Have you ever noticed that we've only just finished Coronavirus-19 and now it's World War III?! What's the deal with that? Can we not have a year off, at least? When World War III is done, what's next, foot and mouth disease again, or back and neck? I mean, come on. The only foot and mouth disease I wanna see is Boris Johnson's foot...in Vladimir Putin's mouth! And did you ever notice, foot and mouth disease didn't actually do anything to your feet or mouth? As far as I could see, foot and mouth was a disease that made animals do a playground pile on and spontaneously combust! I mean, come on! Oh no, sorry, I've just Googled it, I was wrong:

Symptoms of hand, foot, and mouth disease usually include fever, mouth sores, and skin rash commonly found on the hands, mouth, and/or feet. Hand, foot, and mouth disease is common in infants and children younger than 5 years old. Most children have mild symptoms for 7 to 10 days.

LOL!!! It's the way I tell 'em!

Some people come up to me in the street as I'm eating my vegan bacon double cheeseburger and caring for the community minorities in Eastcote, point at my Cancer Research badge and tell me that I'm "woke".

Hell yes, I'm woke! Every morning I wake up...so I guess I'm woke!

LOL!!! You can't argue with logic!

I was buying a ticket to go and see my favourite UK rock n roll band, Guns 2 Roses in Bilston the other day when it struck me that they look just like the members of the American rock n roll band, Guns n Roses!

LOL!!! I know, I know, they're a tribute band! I'm just being silly. LOL.

Buy tickets for Guns 2 Roses at The Robin, Bilston, here: Guns 2 Roses - 23 June 2022
Follow Guns 2 Roses on Twitter: @Guns2RosesUK

I say, I say, I say, I'm listening to the latest Savage Serenity mix on Threads*Hillingdon as I write this. It's absolutely fabulous and I am very much enjoying it. However, it's not as upbeat as I need on a day like today. It's very serious, but some of it sounded like the PlayStation 4 background/loading music - so that made me feel good.

If I were to make one suggestion to the DJ...TIM: get yourself a posse. Tell some jokes and amusing anecdotes in between tracks and have your posse bigging you up on air. Trust me, it'll get you noticed. Get a few jingles. Have you ever heard of an ambient/noise DJ who does phone-ins and quizzes? No. Be the first. Here's a free joke from me for you to include in your next show:

I'm not saying ambient music is boring, but I put some Brian Eno on at nine o'clock last night, I blinked and the next thing I heard was the alarm clock. It was six o'clock in the morning! I'd fallen asleep!

LOL!!! Behind every joke, there is a little bit of truth!

Follow the best ambient/noise DJ in the whole of Hillingdon on Twitter: @tmewlsn
Listen to Threads, it's good: Threads Radio

NFTs. Everyone is talking about NFTs. I made my own unique NFT on the Best Promos blockchain with the help of the Monkey Mafia Billionaire NFT Crew in Walsall. It's called, All Kicked Off, and it's a political comment on the state of capitalism AND a unique NFT.

Please don't save it as a jpeg because it's actually retailing at £13,000 because it's unique. Join the bidding war by sending your Dogecoins and Bitcoins to dsger69-monk3y-maf1a69-crpnft-sht1980

LOL!!! NFT stands for non-fungible token, but I wrote Not For Turning!

Speaking of Walsall, I heard there was an earthquake there last night...caused about fifteen quid's worth of damage!

LOL!!! Here's a meme I created for you to share on WhatsApp:

I'm running out of steam now, here's another very funny lookalike, though...

Kramer out of Seinfeld looks a bit like Spock off of Star Trek, doesn't he?

LOL!!! If you squint!

I say, I say, I say, did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to, "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASS"

LOL!!! Not sure if I'll get away with that, it's a bit offensive towards people with speech disorders. S-s-s-sorry!

I'm going to bugger off and have some lunch now. I've got some ham, some bread, some cheese and some pickle in the house. And some crisps.

Next time, I'll be getting back to the business of serious dance music reviews. I'll be looking at the new/old Earth Leakage Trip EP and some other artists I've never, ever heard of.

If YOU have any unsigned music you'd like reviewing and showcased on here, get in touch.

If YOU are a successful and established artist or DJ and want a site other than RA, Mixmag, etc. to review it, get in touch. Nobody reads this, but it'll be a more interesting write-up...I think.

Bigging myself up now, who needs a posse?!

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

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"Encore! Encore!!!"

Ok, ok. One last joke. This was sent to me by my best friend, and favourite stand-up comedian, Russell Howard. Hold on to your sides, guys!

LOL!!! Goodnight, everybody!