GLASTONBURY SPECIAL

When I live through bouts of writer's block, as I have been for the last two weeks, I jump in my blue Skoda Fabia and drive for two and a half hours - at maximum speed - down to my Mersea Island, beachfront bolt hole and pick this book up:

This one:

I pick it up, have a brief leaf through and then HAMMER myself in the face with it for about twenty minutes. Non-stop.

After twenty or so minutes of BELTING myself in the face with it, I am in the right mood, and space, to write Best Promos again. I've heard that the thicko writers at Mixmag use a copy of the Beano. At Resident Advisor: that's life magazine. Ran$om Note also use that's life.

The eggheads at The Quietus probably BATTER themselves on the chin with One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez - and no, I'm not a human rhubarb: I just Googled, "hardest book to read" and that was one of the results. I am quite good at writing, though.

Speaking of The Quietus, I was having a right old ding-dong with a bloke off of it on Sunday afternoon about Axl Rose's cycling shorts, and at the same time, weirdly, I saw an advert in the paper for a Blur gig I'm going to on the 8 July. I scanned down the list of support acts and the bloke's name from The Quietus I was engaging with on my phone was also flashing back at me off the page of the newspaper! Steve Davis and John Doran, DJing live at Wembley Stadium. Who'd have thunk it, I mean, thought it? Not me. In fact, you could say that I was snookered when I read it! LOL! Do you get it?

John Doran; co-founder and editor of The Quietus, and an expert in cycling shorts, LIVE at Wembley Stadium. Unbelievable. I suggested to him that he should wear cycling shorts. He said he would, but I don't think he will.

Cycling shorts or not, I'll be there in my cycling shorts with my John Doran t-shirt on at the front, waving my John Doran homemade poster and screaming all the way through his and Steve's set. I can't wait! After they've played their last song, I'll be shouting, "FOLLOW THAT, BLUR!" and laughing sarcastically.

I was going to do a bit about Mr. Methane kicking off the Pyramid Stage on Friday lunchtime, Lindisfarne getting booed off on the Saturday night and Frank Skinner raising the roof in the "Legends" slot on Sunday afternoon, but even the sketchiest suggestion of all that saddened my heart to bits, and I love Frank Skinner and Mr. Methane.

Let me plug a new song by X-Press 2 instead. I need cheering up after that CRAP Glastonbury idea.

They've got a new one out called Muse and, in my head, I phoned up Steve Davis to ask for his thoughts on it. This is how I imagined the conversation would go.

- - - bring bring - - - bring bring - - - bring bring. - - - click...

Hello, Steve Davis speaking, how may I help you?

Hi, Steve, it's Kev here at Best Promos. How's it going?

Very well, thanks, Kev, I'm just in the middle of prepping for my back to back DJ set with John Doran at Wembley Stadium in a week or so, what are you up to?

Well, I'm taking advantage of the beautiful weather, Steve, and doing some more laundry! I might mow the lawn later, see how I feel. What can I do for you?

You phoned me.

Did I?

You did, mate! Honestly.

Bloody hell, sorry. What did I want?

Not sure, Kev. Something about snooker?

No, don't think so. Errr.

Something about my upcoming gig at Wembley Stadium, supporting Blur with John Doran from The Quietus?

No, it was something good, but not that good!

Was it to rave about the book I wrote with Kavus Torabi, Medical Grade Music?

No, I've just remembered, it was to ask you if you'd heard the new X-Press 2 song, Muse. Have you?

Oh, darling, I have! House music would sound very different without the work of this legendary pair. For the last three decades, they have been serving up a broad spectrum of music that ranges from catchy and anthemic to more dark and moody via the charismatic sounds of their last single You Know (Everybody).

They're great, aren't they?

They're fabulous! They won an Ivor Novello Award for Lazy ft David Byrne and have even had their tunes synced by fashion house Givenchy, but never have they stopped evolving, as four fantastic studio albums have shown.

I know.

They are in fine form again here with Muse, which finds the pair sinking into deep, introverted house grooves. The dusty, scruffy drums drag like a heavy heart beneath wistful vocal sounds up top that convey real emotional pain. Subtle melodies rise up through the mix to bring a sense of hope to this most moving of tracks.

You're not wrong, Steve.

Kev, you've obviously listened to this a lot. If you had a gun to your head, what score out of ten would you give it?

Steve, I'd quite comfortably, with an easy conscience, grant Muse by X-Press 2 a 10/10

I thought you were going to say a 147 then! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

That's...interesting! Ahhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Bye.

Bye.

- - - click - - -

Muse by X-Press 2 is OUT NOW on Acid Jazz Records.

BUY IT HERE: Beatport/Muse/X-Press2

Follow X-Press 2 on Twitter

I can't best that. I think we need to end this post ASAP (as soon as possible).

I'll just leave you with a few quotes from that book I use to TONK myself in the face with every few months. It'll make you think...

By seeing London, I have seen as much of life as the world can show.

Dr. Samuel Johnson 1709-1784

No one is so old as to think he cannot live one more year.

Cicero 106-43 B.C.

Have you heard about the Irishman who went to night school to learn Vietnamese? He said he'd just adopted a Vietnamese baby and wanCONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS ON GROUNDS OF TASTE AND DECENCY

Tom O'Conner 1939-2021

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

Romeo, Romeo and Juliet

William 'Shakey' Shakespeare 1564-1616

Make good choices. Have a good day.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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