I 8 Wolves

Whenever I feel down in the dumps, I pick up my signed first edition of The Secret DJ Book Two, slowly glide my fingers across the black and vibrant glossy cover, close my eyes and wonder where the Secret DJ is playing right now, wishing I was sharing an intense b2b cocktail bar set with him or her on a Goa beach. I meditate for what feels like literally ninety seconds, mindlessly and soulfully caressing the culturally entertaining tome in my strangely appealing hands before the sound of our bins toppling over outside suddenly snaps me out of it in a very sudden, snapping way - Storm Dudley or Storm Eunice has hit Eastcote. I then squint and summon all of my remaining strength to tap my favourite ping pong ball up in the air for five minutes or so with the book, the book...The Secret DJ Book Two.

This activity always lifts my spirits enough for me to turn my PC on and listen to some more promos from HYPE Filter. They're the only ones sending me stuff at the moment. I'm not complaining, but if there are any other promo shops who want their music pushed and honestly reviewed on the best written blog in the whole of Ruislip, email me here:

bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Also, buy The Secret DJ Book Two on Velocity Press: The Secret DJ BOOK TWO

I tried to get on the Special Requests list the other day, but I was politely declined for not being a proper DJ. It was a disappointing set back, but fair enough. I'll keep flirting with labels like Heavenly, Running Back, Pampa, Jin, etc., and see what happens. In the mean time, we continue with this load of old rubbish unique dance blog.

I'll tell you what, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I can't keep up with Roman Flügel! I've been a big fan of his for years. He's a top, top DJ, he's a top, top producer, I like his name, he looks cool - a bit like an Andy Warhol who eats his greens - and I follow him on Bandcamp, so when the Mega EP popped up last week, I happily put my hands in my pockets and paid a fiver for the WAVs. Mega has the best opening track to any EP I've listened to in ages, no wonder he called it Mega; it's mega! It starts with one of them 80s synth stab noises, follows with bars and bars of galloping cowbells, fast drums and loads of jolly bass lines and synths. It's nostalgic, yet futuristic. It's like F.T. Marinetti minus the fascism.

What comes next is Rules. It's slower than Mega, and if I look at my notes I can see that I've compared it to So... by Soft Cell. Listening back, I'm not sure of that any more, it's still a good song, though.

Song title-wise, after Rules, Roman Flügel gets really lazy. The last three tracks are called Film 1, Film 2 and Film 3! I'm not being funny, but come on. I mean. Err. KWIM?! Jeeeeeez. I would have used my imagination and called them:

• Film
• Netflix And Chill
• Popcorn Dreams (Where I Wanna Be)

Film 1 and Film 2 are both fast-paced electronica tracks, and you could easily play them in a set to thousands of dance fans in a field as the sun comes up, or something. I'm not sure. I haven't got a clue what's going on in Film 3; sometimes it's slow, sometimes it's fast, and I don't know what time signature it's sitting on, but it's still fab.

Running Back Records · Roman Flügel - Mega (preview)

I love Roman Flügel and I love this Mega EP, I'll give it a healthy 10/10

Buy Mega here: Mega EP

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

When I said earlier that I can't keep up with Roman Flügel, I meant this:

On Monday, another little pop-up popped up on my computer screen to say that Roman Flügel had released ANOTHER EP, Desperate Housemen. After scrabbling around for another five pound note, I listened to Desperate Housemen all day on a loop whilst reading The Secret DJ Book Two (and what a read, by the way - especially the chapter at the beginning called Praise for the Secret DJ. If selected extracts of this blog aren't used in Praise for the Secret DJ in The Secret DJ Book Nine, I'll be knocked sideways by a wisp of cotton candy). Anyway, Desperate Housemen, like Mega, is another excellent addition to my external SSD drive. It's more clubby than Mega, so I'll be playing it at home on my little Pioneer controller and pretending that I'm a headliner at Printworks. At the end of the day, I went to bed and dreamed of the time Erol Alkan played Parade d'amour at Wide Awake last year.

I'll give Desperate Housemen a BANGING 10/10

Buy it here: Desperate Housemen

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

When I woke up, there was a notification on phone to say that Roman Flügel had released something else! I opened it up and there was an EP called Cookie Dust staring back at me, the displaced, missing chocolate chips disconsolately wondering where they are as the waved lines of flour whip themselves sensually and medically around the soft-angled baked dough, transforming the object of the viewer's, hmm, desire, to that of a heart organ - the artist playfully deceiving our Neanderthal eyes and forcing us to imagine a colourful/colourless future world where one would not love with all of our heart a chocolate chip cookie. It's a very powerful image, and it is one that will sit with me until I'm a dead body.

I'd say Cookie Dust is more similar to Mega, in that it's not as full-on dancefloor as Desperate Housemen. It's even got a hip-hop type instrumental thing on track 2 called Thank You Jack, which is no bad thing. I'm going to play that at home and pretend I'm warming up for DJ Yoda at Spiritland.

Live At Robert Johnson · Roman Flügel - Thank You Jack (Snippet)

Well, if I had a gun to my head, I'd have to award Cookie Dust with a pure 10/10

Buy it here: Cookie Dust

Follow Roman Flügel on Twitter: @romanfluegel

Next Tuesday, I'm going to watch Damon Albarn out of Blur at The Barbican and then go home, have a cup of tea, catch up on Celebs Go Dating and get a good night's sleep. Or am I? I'm definitely going to see Damon Albarn out of Blur, but I'm not sure if I'll be going directly home afterwards because, you understand, The Social Tweeted this the other day:

As you can see, I retweeted it to my hundreds of followers, so I'm not sure if there'll be any tickets left after that push, to be honest, but it'll be worth a try. You can't argue with Man Power, you can't argue with Juan Maclean, you can't argue with a venue like The Social and you certainly can't argue with Megan Leo.

I might come and steal some more beer mats. Actually, I've just remembered one of my favourite all time tracks by Juan Maclean. If they can confirm TODAY that they'll be playing this one, I'll definitely come down and spend an absolute fortune on bucks fizz AND lager and crisps. We can then put a photo of the receipt on social media. Listen:

Check out the details and tickets here: Me Me Me School Night Showcase

Follow Man Power on Twitter: @Man_Power_Music

Follow Juan Maclean on Twitter: @juanmaclean

Follow The Social on Twitter: @thesociallondon

Follow Damon Albarn on Twitter: @Damonalbarn

Over the next few days, I'll be listening to the new Transparências LP by Violet, the new Narcissus EP by Herman and the new Clastic Music album by vigliensoni. I'll be honest, I've never heard of any of these people, but I've been sent the promos, and I've downloaded the WAVs, so it would be impolite of me not to listen to them all in full and thoroughly review them on here.

WOULDN'T IT?

Email me YOUR best promos: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

We All Love You. You Are Amazing.

BACK ONCE AGAIN FOR THE RENEGADE MASTER, DEE FOR DAMAGER, POWER TO THE PEOPLE.

BACK ONCE AGAIN FOR THE RENEGADE MASTER, DEE FOR DAMAGE WITH THE BAD BEHAVIOUR!!!

They don't write them like that anymore, ladies and gentlemen. That, of course, is Renegade Master by Wildchild. And when I think about that song, it gets me thinking about dance music in general. Generals are people in the army, and a General, for all intents and purposes, is a Controller of an army, isn't he or she? I sometimes wonder if there'll ever be a controller of Space...or maybe there is already a Space Controller in another Dimension that we don't know about yet...

...what I like about Space Dimension Controller is his commitment to the stage name. Not only does he call himself Space Dimension Controller, but he makes futuristic dance music that sounds like it was made in the future and he gives them spacey names like Space Grunt - my favourite track off this release...hang on a minute; it was my favourite song, but I've just had a listen to Tiraquon Acid. What a fun tune! It sounds like it should be the theme for an early level of a Fester's Quest remake on the PS5, you know when you're still learning what the different buttons do and it's easy enough to kill the baddies. It's a lorra, lorra fun (the music, not the game).

The whole of this album is very good. Every track on it has all the dance music elements you need to get you dancing. You've got your percussion, your basslines, your synths, your sound effects, the lot. It's all jumbled in together, and the way Space Dimension Controller arranges it is simply breathtaking. It really does make you sit up, stand up and eventually dance. No, it makes you immediately dance.

Space Dimension Controller · Space Dimension Controller - Tiraquon Acid Funk

I caught up with Space Dimension Controller in my favourite booth at the Eastcote Wimpy to quiz him on this crazy new album. I paid for a slap-up meal for two and we talked shop like two old generals, or controllers, from Mikrosector-50 discussing which space war they enjoyed the most, and in which dimension. Sorry...

"Space Dimension Controller, what was your idea for Tiraquon Recordings and the Vol.1 compilation?"

"My idea for Tiraquon Recordings and the Vol.1 compilation was to release non-conceptual dance floor focused music that have a higher energy and BPM than the usual Space Dimension Controller sound that many have come to expect. By drip-feeding the singles, I wanted to build towards a full vinyl compilation at the end with some new tracks as a bonus. We delayed the release as I wanted to make sure the tracks are able to be experienced the way they were supposed to be, in clubs and at festivals."

"Thanks."

Tiraquon Recordings Vol.1 by Space Dimension Controller comes out on Friday 25 March 2022, and you will be able to buy it from his website or Bandcamp or something.

SDC website: tiraquon6.net

SDC Bandcamp: SpaceDimensionController.bandcamp.com

Follow Space Dimension Controller on Twitter: @tiraquon

Ooh. I almost forgot, it's St. Valentine's Day today! Happy Valentine's Day, readers, I hope you're all having a romantic one. The guys at Best Promos treated me this year to a 400 piece jigsaw of one of my favourite babes, Dani Behr, to get me in the mood for writing about love and dance music, but I'm struggling for inspiration, to be honest - or maybe I'm just too distracted by Dani Behr's corners!

I'd highly recommend a Dani Behr 400 piece jigsaw, it's only about £30, and all. Bargain! 10/10

Buy a Dani Behr jigsaw here: RED HOT XXX CELEBRITY JIGSAWS

Follow Dani Behr on Twitter: @BehrDani

I broke my wrist a few weeks ago, so it's quite difficult typing with one hand. I'm right-handed, and it was my right wrist that broke...in two places. I deserve a medal for keeping this blog going without my dominant hand for the best part of a month. Will I get one, though? Of course not. I should cut myself some slack and take my foot off the pedal a bit, I'm tired. I'm going to cheat now and copy and paste an entire PR email. Chortle!

INNATE PROMO

Cat No: INNATE005
Artist: Mark Hand & Neil Iceton
Title: A Holiday In Beta Centauri
Label: Innate
Release Date: 4th March 2022

Way back in the 1990s, Mark Hand, Neil Iceton and Jez Nicholl founded the Teesside branch of the Underground Resistance fan club, channelling their love of sci-fi-fired Motor City techno into a string of inspired releases under the Cubic Space Collective alias.

Sadly, the UR fan club didn’t last – it was disbanded in 2007 after their fax machine broke – but Hand, Iceton and Nicholl did reunite for a memorable machine jam at Freerotation in 2016. Fired-up by the experience, the Hand & Iceton headed back into the studio and recorded ‘Holiday in Beta Centauri’, a musical love letter to Mad Mike and the rest of Detroit’s most militant futurist techno crew.

The four tracks on show were all recorded by Hand & Iceton – possibly while wearing balaclavas in tribute to UR – during a sole studio session. They first send us surging skywards via ‘Binary System’, where lilting lead lines, fizzing electronics and enveloping chords dance atop a snappy, cymbal-heavy drum machine rhythm, before ‘Arps in Hyperspace’ sees them step things up a notch via layered sci-fi synths, sparkling melodies and a driving, hyper-speed groove.

After entering the orbit of a distant planet, the North-East-based twosome attempt to warm us to the core via ‘Rigil’, where restless organ stabs, undulating Michigan bass, alien electronics, psychedelic acid lines and Galaxy 2 Galaxy style chords catch the ear. Before bringing us gently back down to earth, Hand and Iceton complete their deep space mission with ‘Beyond The Nebula (Holiday in Beta Centauri)’, a bustling electro number full of stabbing analogue bass, star-burst electronics, meditative ambient chords and shimmering, night-sky melodies.

Full to bursting with far-sighted sci-fi sounds, punchy TR-909 drums, bustling bass and intergalactic electronics, Holiday in Beta Centauri is a fine return to action for Teesside’s UR-loving techno twosome. 3,167 miles away in Detroit, their achievement will be noted. After all, it looks like this local branch of the Underground Resistance Appreciation Society is back in business.

Innate · Innate 005 - Mark Hand & Neil Iceton - Holiday in Beta Centauri

I'm glad I didn't have to write all of that. What a mouthful! It's a very nice EP, though (this is Best Promos talking now, by the way), and in many ways it's a bit like the Space Dimension Controller one. They are both quite spacey and futuristic, and you can tell that Mark Hand and Neil Iceton are Underground Resistance's biggest mega fans. I've got Beyond The Nebula (Holiday in Beta Centauri) on as I'm writing this, and if I close my eyes I can see a topless Mike Banks standing on stage holding a pair of traffic cones over his nipples, asking me if I want a lap-dance.

I've just licked my lips and nodded.

Mmm. I've just given A Holiday In Beta Centauri a score of 10/10 and put a £2 coin in the tin.

Pre-order it here: A Holiday In Beta Centauri

Follow Mark Hand on Twitter (I can't find Neil): @MarkHandSound

I'll leave you with a few fun Valentine's Day facts:

The first Valentine was sent in the 15th Century!!

I'm not sure who by, though, or to whom/who.

Chris de Burgh has been married a WHOPPING seven times!!

His first wife was the original lady in red. I'm not sure who his second one was. His third wife was Dani Behr. Not sure who his forth, fifth or sixth ones were, but my dad just told me that his seventh wife is Bianca Gascoigne.

Valentine's Day is celebrated differently around the world!!

In some countries and cultures, they celebrate it differently than how we do here.

See you next time, bye bye.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

7 x 7 + 7 ÷ 7 - 7 = seven

Not a lot of people know this, but Norman Wisdom's great, great, great, great nephew is Ocean Wisdom; the fastest rapper in the world. He is the fastest rapper. No, not K.A.A.N, not heyday Eminem. No, not the bloke out of Outkast. Ocean Wisdom is. Fact.

I said, "Fact", in a David Brent voice. LOL.

I said, "Not a lot of people know this", in a Michael Caine voice. Tee hee.

That was fact number one. Fact number two is the fact that Ricardo Villalobos was ROBBED in the Best Gender Neutral Foreign Minimal Techno DJ category at The Brits the other night. How Tiefschwarz won it was a mystery to me AND all of the other disappointed punters watching the ceremony in the Geo Bar, situated perfectly on Eastcote's fashionable Field End Road.

I'd put £300 on Ricky V, and all. Poor me. I'm going to cheer myself up by listening to some fab dance songs...mmm...dance music...mmm...

...Brain de Palma, which is an ingeniously playful play on the name of the famous Senior Accountant's name at CUBEX LLC, comes at us strong, forceful and full of muscle with this new release, Purple Brain, on Peggy Gou's label, Gudu Records.

If my sources at HYPE Filter PR are telling the truth, then this is Brain's second release for Peggy, but he's been knocking about for the last ten years as Panama Keys and as the other half of Stump Valley - ahh, hang on! They're the ones who did that lovely Melodj Mecca record on Soul Clap last year, aren't they? I enjoyed that one. Excellent.

The Purple Brain EP is a bit more banging than the stuff he was involved with on Soul Clap, but that's to be expected...isn't it? Put Stump Valley on early evening, whack Brain De Palma on around midnight. It's got four songs on this EP:

IQarus has loads of repetitive beats and a bassline that also repeats itself repeatedly. It's a brilliant song and it really whetted my appetite for more dance music from Brian, I mean, Brain. Mmm...dance music...

The second song is a remix of the first one. It's a bit like on Global Underground 005 when Tony De Vit plays two versions of Nuclear Shower by UK Gold. Actually, come to think of it: Brain DE Palma...Tony DE Vit...having two versions of the same track on the same release...spooky...

...my favourite song on Purple Brain is Purple Brain. It starts off like he's messing about on Ableton, and then it surprises you by starting to actually sound like a good piece of music. It features an all-female choir singing, "ahhhhh", quite a few cowbells and a space-age top line, or as the PR says: an unforgettable arpeggio with stargazing stabs and a marching cowbell beat.

After that, you've got O.W.D. Once Were Dancers which, disappointingly, doesn't sample the, "cook the man some fucking eggs!" line from the film I'm thinking of. I phoned up Brain to press him on this and to probe for a little bit of background on the EP as a whole...

"Hi, Brain, Best Promos here, thanks for speaking with us. How are you?"

“This EP is dedicated to all the ravers, DJs, aficionados who had to go through the lockdowns … a shout out to people who keep on fighting for the underground culture!”

"Thanks Brain."

If I had a runny egg to my head, I'd give Purple Brain by Brain De Palma a sensational 10/10 !!

Buy it here: Purple Brain EP

Follow Stump Valley (I can't find owt else for Brain or Alexi Versino) here: @StumpValley

One of the great things about being in the dance music scene is the sense of community and support we all have for one another. One of our favourite labels here at Best Promos is Disco Halal. It's a great name for a label, Moscoman is a brilliant DJ/producer, and I love the stuff on it that has that Eastern flavour, which is most of it, but what I love most of all is the personal touch that you get with Disco Halal. I opened up my inbox the other day, and I was touched - touched - by what I read in an email screen-grabbed below:

They didn't need to do that, but what can I say, Disco Halal are great guys.

My Name Is Omri Dot is four tracks of dance music...mmm...dance music...by Omri Dot that doesn't stop making you dance until the music stops. It's that good. Ch-ch-check out this track-by-track review I'm about to write:

I did listen to it, but I forgot what Snakes In The Bed sounds like. It's bound to be good, though. You should always place your best track first on the running order to grab the listener's attention. It's an industry rule.

The Great Illusion has got a creepy man that sounds like YOUR grandad saying, "the PlayStation", which I interpreted as a commentary on the amount of time kids sit glued to the screen instead of getting outside with their friends, making dens and annoying the neighbours, and it's an aspect of modern life that YOUR grandad doesn't understand. It confuses him. And it makes him feel sad.

:'-(

Snare Boer sounds like a minimal techno dub remix of It Takes Time To Build by Beastie Boys...by Ricardo Villalobos...in 2007...which is no bad thing.

The Spotlight is a right rag-tag bunch of different sounds, vocals and effects. Break beats here, echos there, bit crusher fills over here, echos there, rolling clavs here and echos there. Quality track. It's also got cymbals on the 1, sometimes.

I would give this EP a massive 10/10...in fact, I will give it a massive 10/10

Buy it here: My Name Is Omri Dot

Follow Disco Halal here: @DiscoHalal

To end this week's edition of Best Promos, I'd like to push and shove you in the direction of Ransom Note's fab Netil Radio show, The Ransom Note Dispatch, on Netil Radio by the guys at Ransom Note, who are now doing these shows for Netil Radio that are written and presented by Ransom Note but for Netil Radio, who broadcast these transmissions live and as it happens on Netil Radio, and also have them recorded for Soundcloud, but it's by the fab Ransom Note guys at Ransom Note.

Ransom Note · The Ransom Note Dispatch on Netil Radio (Feb 2022)

The latest episode featured a fab track on it called Jelly by Yetsuby on Jin. It's an Eden Burns remix, and not only is it brilliant, it also sent me off on a two-track wormhole of fab music. The Eden Burns Jelly remix has got that fab, "dun dun-dun dun dun dun dun dun dun...", vocal that is also used to great effect in Show Me Love by The Fruit Loop, which itself borrowed heavily from It's Just An Ecstasy by Project XYZ. Dance Music really is just simply fab. Everything is connected, man...PLUR, etc.

Ransom Note will be premiering Jelly (Eden Burns Remix) by Yetsuby next week, so stop, look and listen when that happens.

I'm off now. Ta'ra.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Use Your Illusion VI

...dring dring...dring dring...dring dring...dring dring... - I pick up the telephone.

"Hello, Best Promos, you're speaking with Kevin, how may we help you?"

"At the start of 2021 I realised I hadn't paid much attention to my own productions lately..."

"Ok, let me stop you there. Who may I say is speaking, sir?"

"Rather spending time doing remixes or mixdowns for others or like many others, worrying over what the future will bring."

"Pardon?"

"I started going through tracks and ideas I had started on but not completed and now as another annus horribilis nears the end I have 2 albums ready for 2022 release, entitled "8" and "9".

"8 and 9? Who is this, please?"

"Although I promised myself to never say it, I personally think they're my best work so far and I hope someone else will get the feeling of "a light at the end of the tunnel" when listening to these tracks just like I feel when listening back to them."

"Is that Prins Thomas again?"

"There are contributions from the very capable hands of Bugge Wesseltoft ("8") and John Carroll Kirby (on both "8" and "9"), besides that it's just me."

"Prins Thomas? Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Prins?"

Prins Thomas may have hung up on me (as usual), but I was left in no doubt that he had a couple of new albums completed and coming out soon - 8 and 9 are both released on 25 March 2022 on Prins Thomas Musikk, and I was lucky enough to get chatting with a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a Norwegian friend of a friend of Lindstrøm, who is a friend of Prins Thomas, who knew a friend of a friend of Prins Thomas's receptionist at Prins Thomas Musikk, who put me in touch with a friend of a friend of a friend who works for the Managing Director at Hypercolour, who sent my details to the office junior at HYPE Filter, who excitedly emailed me all of the MP3s of 8 and 9 for me to listen to before anyone else in the whole wide world!

I'll review it properly on here nearer the release date because, to be honest, I still need to listen to it all properly. I have made some notes, though:

Cool. Futuristic, but also a bit 80s. Blade Runner and acid sandwich. Cool Coronas - makes me want to listen to Chromeo's DJ Kicks CD again. Misread Evig Ung as Evil Ung, which completely recontextualised the piece of music in my head before I realised my mistake. Love Layback Rollout. Excellent album. Great sounds. Cool.

As I said, I'll flesh out those notes in the coming weeks and knock out a proper review then. In the meantime, I'm providing this album with a MASSIVE, and provisional, 10/10

Pre-order 8 by Prins Thomas here: Prins Thomas - 8

Pre-order 9 by Prins Thomas here: Prins Thomas - 9

Follow Prins Thomas on Twitter: @prins_thomas

FIFA 19's Confidence Man, you'll be flabbergasted to know, is not one man. There are four of them, I think, so you'd imagine that they should be called Confidence Men, wouldn't you? Well, again, you're wrong and you're a grotesquely ugly freak, because there are boys AND girls in Confidence Man, and I reckon they'll be changing their name to Confidence Person and sending out an apologetic Tweet to anyone who may have been offended by their band name in under two years, after they get more famous, do you know what I mean? World's gone mad, innit? We're all going to Hell in a handcart...and I'll pull the lever! Unless, actually, it's supposed to be read as, "Confidence, Man!" like they are celebrating the concept of self-assurance. Maybe they could say that. I don't know.

The new album by Confidence Man (it doesn't offend me) is called TILT, and if you don't pre-order it today, you'd be round the twist! I've listened to Holiday a few times, and it really makes you feel like you're on holiday - especially the bit on about 3:30 mins, so it's a yes from me. The video has got Janet Planet and Sugar Bones singing the song in a hot air balloon and, whilst incredibly dangerous, it looks like a lorra, lorra fun.

"If you like that, you're gonna love this..."  Feels Like A Different Thing is brilliant. It's got great vocals, good music, a fun video that's about cars, whips and caves, and a feel about it that if I told you they were signed to Heavenly, you'd say, "Yes. I get it. Of course they are."

There are a WHOPPING ten other songs on TILT that I've not got promo copies of, so I can't review them yet, but when it comes out proper, I'll buy the full album because based on what I've heard of Confidence Man so far - and they look like a laugh, to be honest - I can only award this album a 10/10

Pre-order TILT by Confidence Man: TILT by Confidence Man

Follow Confidence Man on Twitter: @confidencemanTM

If Jimmy Carr was that dangerous and edgy, he should call his next Netflix special CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS and do an hour of CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS jokes in front of an audience of CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS at the back of the CONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS without any backup or security.

#RantOver

What else have I been listening to? Hmm. I taught myself how to play a piece of classical music on the piano last night, but I don't know what it's called.

If any readers of Best Promos knows what that music is called, please let me know ASAP because it's doing my head in.

Best Promos one-handed piano playing - 10/10

I think that's me done for today. I'm now going to watch the last two episodes of Cobra Kai Season 4 with a nice cup of tea and a think ahead to what the future of Best Promos could bring. Maybe I'll get a job writing Prins Thomas's future promo packs, maybe Confidence Man will send me 2 x VIP AAA tickets for their upcoming Thursday 5 May 2022 gig at Kentish Town (tickets available at a very affordable £23.50: TICKETS LINK )

Anything in life can happen if you just believe. Gosh darn it, you can become an astronaut, an IT analyst in a local government organisation or even the President of the United States of America if you just find the strength inside to accomplish your dreams.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Bore Through Books

Anyone who knows me outside of the Internet will back me up when I admit to being a total bookworm and a bit of a nerd. I love nothing more than to sit down on my comfy sofa with a massive mug of tea, a pot of custard creams on the go and a long, hard think about which high-brow book to read next. I devour poncy books (or tomes, as I like to call them) and metaphorically swallow them whole, like dogs devours cats, and I'm not one to brag; but since December I have read four and a half books.

I'm currently reading Introducing Sartre by Philip Thody and Howard Read. That's how I knew about the bloke who couldn't get drunk in the No Mercy, Part 5 post. It's 167 pages long, and most of them have drawings of Jean-Paul Sartre on them, so it's not too heavy. I don't understand most of what I'm reading, though, so I'm not sure if I'll carry on with it, to be honest.

In December, I read the Bob Mortimer autobiography, And Away... That was quite good. Once I'd finished reading that, I moved straight onto Only Here For A Visit by Alan Brazil. I highly recommend this book to all fans of The Inbetweeners because Alan Brazil is a living and breathing, grown-up Jay off of The Inbetweeners, but it's Jay with a giant snooker ball for a head. A red one.

In Only Here For A Visit, Alan Brazil spends 259 entertaining pages telling the reader about how brilliant he is and how much better at drinking he is than everyone else. He's not a comedian, but Alan Brazil's book is a lot funnier than Bob Mortimer's. Sorry, Bob.

After I'd devoured Alan Brazil's book, I started to devour Harry Hill's autobiography, Fight! by Harry Hill. I definitely enjoyed this book, but I can't remember much about it. I think he came across as a nice bloke, though, and as sure as socks follow pants, I followed one book by another; Not Dead Yet by Phil Collins. This was the book I read before starting the Sartre one, and if you like Phil Collins, you'll love devouring his autobiography!

I suppose I'd better review them now that I've got a review-based blog at my disposal.

Philip Thody and Howard Read, Introducing Sartre - 10/10

Bob Mortimer, And Away... - 10/10

Alan Brazil, Only Here For A Visit - 10/10

Harry Hill, Fight! - 10/10

Phil Collins, Not Dead Yet - 10/10

One book I haven't read yet is the new one by The Secret DJ. Nobody knows who The Secret DJ is, and I'm no exception, but it's always been a lorra, lorra fun to speculate on his/her/their identity. Every Friday night, I'll be sat in the Hop and Vine on Ruislip High Street with my chums, drinking and amusingly throwing out suggestions on who The Secret DJ could be.

"Jon of the Pleased Wimmin!", I'll shout, "the ghost of Tony de Vit!", "Judge Jules!", "Regis!", and the more we drink, the more outrageous and hilarious the names will become: "Simon Mayo!", "Chris Moyles!", "Jimmy Sa..." - no, we don't say that one - "Ivan Smagghe!", "The ghost of Terry Wogan!", "Allister Whitehead!"

I'm a right laugh.

This morning, Postman Ian pushed a book through my letterbox that I've wanted to devour ever since I ordered it from Hatchards. Tales From The Booth is the new book by The Secret DJ, and in it there are loads of other secret DJs telling tales on things like...I don't know, I haven't read it yet. When I do finish reading it, I'll do a proper review on here (or The Secret DJ Book Two, trust me, it'll be one or the other) so you can decide whether or not to buy it based on the score out of 10 I grant it. If it's 5 or below, don't buy it. If it's 6 to7, borrow it from the library. If it gets an 8 or above on this site, go to your nearest book shop immediately and buy it.

You're welcome to buy it now, to be honest. You don't have to wait for that famous Best Promos score out of ten. It's your life.

Buy Tales From The Booth on Velocity Press here: Tales From The Booth

Follow The Secret DJ on Twitter here: @SecretDJBook

Like The Secret DJ in the Metaverse: facebook.com/secretdjbook

My book, Tales From The Booth: This Time It's Personal, will be out on Velocity Press in Q1 2023, and it's going to be a collection of shaggy-dog stories of excess and unhinged lunacy, remembering (if that's possible!) all of the times I've sat in booths up and down the country. Highlights include the insanity of an elderly couple quietly arguing in a booth behind me and my family in the Eastcote Wimpy last year, and the mad time I sat down in a booth in J.J. Moon's Wetherspoon in Ruislip Manor, ordered an Ultimate Burger meal for lunch before remembering that we were going to have burger and chips for tea that day!

Tales From The Booth: This Time It's Personal will be a no-holds-barred, psychedelic account of what it's really like to dine in a UK booth. From the highs of the something to the lows of the something else, this book will blow the lid off of your preconceptions of what a booth can, or should, be. Strap yourself in for what will be a literary romp with a capital R: a Romp.

Pre-order Tales From The Booth: This Time It's Personal by Best Promos on Velocity Press here: Tales From The Booth: This Time It's Personal by Best Promos

Speaking of The Secret DJ (I didn't intend this to be a Secret DJ Special, sorry), he's done a really nice remix of Queen Bee by semi-professional Diane Morgan lookalike, Gemma Cullingford. Listen:

Good, isn't it?

Queen Bee (The Secret DJ Remix) has got a 4/4 house music beat with a nice bouncy bass, some 80s-style synth things and one of those disco toms that I've always loved: *boo boo*

I can imagine dancing to this down The Social or Dance Tunnel (is that place still going?) or in the back of Helen Marnie's black limousine.

It's also got who I presume is Gemma Cullingford telling someone off on in a breathy and mysterious way. I don't know who David is, but it sounds like he's in a lot of trouble - and I hope that blood got cleaned up.

You can buy this track on Bandcamp, along with the rest of the EP, Let Them Speak - it's really good...in fact, I'm going to go out of my way right now and award it with a WHOPPING 10/10 !!!

Buy Let Them Speak (Remix EP) here: Let Them Speak (Remix EP)

Follow Gemma Cullingford here: @gemcullingford

I'll be back next week, I think.

Email me: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

No Mercy, Part 5

* * * SPOILER ALERT * * *

Do not continue reading this post if you have not yet watched all four series of Cobra Kai on Netflix yet. The first section of this post contains sensitive information relating to said series and all episodes affiliated, and tethered, with it. To it.

Begins.

I love Johnny Lawrence, but if he is supposed to be so "bad ass" and macho in Cobra Kai, why is he always boozing with them tiny bottles of piss water? They don't touch the sides. In many ways, we can liken Johnny Lawrence to Sartre's Mathieu Delarue in Les Chemins de la liberté; a man unable to get drunk. Yes, but for Johnny, the opposite is true because he does get drunk on those little bottles of beer, and therefore he is condemned to a life of existing as a two pot screamer.

I'm not an alpha male by any stretch, but I'm also not a half-pint Harry, so I try not to bother with the little bottles at the best of times. My favourite lagers to drink at home are the pint cans of Kronenbourg 1664 and the normal cans of Stella, and my resistance to the 1664 pint cans has now reached such a level that I can easily drink at least six of them before needing a wee.

I enjoy Cobra Kai a lot, but I wish Johnny would "stop being such a pussy", "flip the script" and ditch the Panda Pops.

Spoiler Ends.

I've listened to some fab new dance songs this week. Here's a selection of them that I'd like to review for you with those famous Best Promos scores out of ten!

I'm still not on the promo lists of any agencies yet, so I'm still spending money on music. The whole point of creating this blog was to do away with having to put my hands in my pockets. When I had my previous blog, I was sent all sort of stuff; MP3s, records and CDs. I'm starting from scratch again, which is exciting in some ways, expensive in others.

Last week I spent five pounds on the new Jacques Greene EP, Fantasy. I have always said that Jacques Greene is the best Jacques in dance music since Jacques Lu Cont, and this EP finally cements that claim.

Fantasy kicks off with Taurus, my least favourite star sign, but one of my favourite songs on this EP. It's got a broken beat thing and trancey female vocals, a bit like the vocals on Two Full Moons & A Trout by Union Jack, which is no bad thing at all.

Memory Screen + Fantasy has similar moody vocal pad things in the background over non-4/4 beats, too, but it also has a nice, uplifting synth bass melody that was all too brief. Just when I thought it was about to drop and go massive, it finished. I'd like to hear a club mix of this song.

Relay is nice. It's like a friendly younger brother to Idioteque by Radiohead. I like it.

Sky River features a singer on it called Satoimagae. I can't understand a bleeding word she's saying, to be honest, so I can't comment on the lyrical content, but musically it's really good. Again, the beats are all over the shop, definitely not a 4/4 house beat, but I'm not holding that against him. It's the kind of track Ivan Smagghe might put in the middle of a mix CD to throw the listener off before coming back in with some tried and tested electroclash.

Leave Here. If fabric were still doing their CD tins, I can imagine someone like Dave Clarke using Leave Here as his closing track on it, do you know what I mean? It's a very emotional piece of music, and it's a tune I can see being played as a gang of lads, some topless, solemnly stare into space at their after party, maybe holding hands and occasionally hugging on the sofa as their irritated neighbours are trying to have their breakfast. After Leave Here has finished, maybe one of the boys will put an old Tony De Vit mix on to pick everyone's mood up again.

Fantasy by Jacques Greene gets an unbelievable 10/10

Buy it: Fantasy EP

Follow Jacques Green on Twitter: @JacquesGreene

I went to Sonar in 2007 with some pals and fulfilled a life-long dream of seeing Beastie Boys, Miss Kittin and Richie Hawtin in a foreign country over the course of one weekend. 

Modeselektor were there, too, and they finished their Sonar set with Silke by Isla Gold, and it's a moment I've always kept in the back of my mind and cherished in my heart. I'd never heard of Modeselektor before Sonar 2007, and I've not listened to much of them since - I've tried because I loved their set, but I think their music is a bit too abrasive for me. They're obviously good, and they look like they're a right laugh to go out with, but that kind of music has passed me by. I've lost my thread now, not sure what I'm trying to say.

Have a listen to Silke whilst I regroup...

Modeselektor at Sonar 2007 gets a WHOPPING 10/10 !!!

Buy Modeselektor's ambient mix, Extended Chords. It's the exact opposite of the Isla Gold track above.

Buy it: Extended Chords

Follow Modeselektor on Twitter: @MODESELEKTOR

I was looking around Bandcamp for something else to review and I saw the cover of an album which piqued my interest. Remember when you'd buy an album from your local Virgin Megastore without listening to it or knowing who the artist or band was because you liked the album cover? Do you remember that? Thankfully, I didn't part any money for ロボット P I L O T by Chrylo because it's a right load of old rubbish! I like the album cover because the man on it looks like Optimus Prime, but I listened to the preview streams and thought it was something JUSTICE might have rejected in 2006 for being too obvious and silly.

I'm not going to review this album track by track because I need to go and make a cup of tea in a minute, but I don't like it. It's crap. What I won't do, either, is tag Chrylo in when I Tweet this out to the Internet because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I'm sure some people like it. Yes, yes they do...phew! Look:

I'm glad about that. I'll give Chrylo 10/10 for effort. It's a better album than I could come up with!

Buy it, please, I feel bad now: ロボット P I L O T

Follow Chrylo on Twitter: @Chrylo_

That's me done for the week now, I think.

I might do a bit next week about NFTs and cryptocurrency, and how bad it all is. I might also do a bit about Joe Rogan and Spotify, and how bad it all is. I'll probably do a bit about #PartyGate and all, and how bad the Torys are, and how bad it all is. I might make fun of Nadine Dorries and Jacob Rees-Mogg's funny accent, too. LOL

Email me here: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me here: @BestPromos4Eva

The Sue Gray Dance Report vol. 4

Lord Sugar will see you now.

What have the Flying Mojito Bros., Erol Alkan, Perc and Jack out of This Is Us all got in common?  Yes, they're all men, but no. Yes, they're all over the age of 21, but no. No, they're not all in the dance music scene, but close. YES, they are all mentioned in today's Best Promos mega blog!

I'm typing these words with my left hand (remember what I said in last week's episode) whilst listening to the Greed Dance EP by Perc on Perc Trax. I've just had to turn it down so as not to disturb the bin men outside. It's really good. The A-sdie, I mean, side, is called Greed Dance, and the two B-sides are called Resistor and 240 Volts.

Greed Dance is a banger from start to finish; hard kick drum beats fall angrily out of the speakers repeatedly until the song finishes in an even angrier manner, which is what Perc has always done best.

Resistor is a right bloody racket! In a good way. Resistor sounds like a faulty food blender being kicked into the middle of next week by it's muscular, unemployed and devastatingly-single and efficient German owner. He's 29-years old and loves binge-watching Cobra Kai with a few cold cans of cheap German lager to cheer himself up. I think he's either got long hair or it's very closely cropped - I can't decide. His girlfriend (childhood sweetheart) died in a massive autobahn pile-up last year and little things like a kitchen appliance not working properly sets him off.

A 240V outlet will have 240 volts and is commonly needed for larger electrical appliances in the home, such as a kitchen range, space heater or window air conditioning unit. Since these appliances require more electricity, a larger outlet is necessary. Not my words, the words of Amy Sutton at Hunker magazine, but she wasn't talking about 240 Volts by Perc, she was talking about 240 volts in plugs.

240 Volts by Perc has a similar sounding kick drum to the one in Greed Dance, but he's pitched it up. I know, I'm a bit of an audio production nerd! I also used to DJ (I played Sundissential in 2000), so I know my way around a BPM, and I'd confidently say it's exactly the same speed as Greed Dance, too. No, hang on, it's slower. Sorry. However, where Greed Dance is angry, 240 Volts is hopeful and even happy in places. It's got a nice melody thing every now and again between the beats sections, and it carries on being loud and noisy until the very end where you can hear the producer wheezing and the song stops. I loved that bit.

I would have to give Greed Dance EP by Perc a solid 10/10

Buy it: Greed Dance EP

Follow Perc on Twitter: @PercTrax

I mentioned the Flying Mojito Bros. on here last week because I wanted to alert the seven people who read this blog to their cool brilliant brilliance. Their new single, Eight Miles Higher, is - as people in America say - freakin' awesome dude, can I get fries with that hot tamale?! Bang bang! Yeeeeeehawwww mama!!!

I first heard of Flying Mojito Bros. after I saw (and heard) them DJ at The Social last year and I vowed there and then to pick up my blogging pen again after four long years in the metaphorical Great Basin, or, if you prefer, the Mohave, in order to make them rich and popular dance stars in 2022. They play and make a style of music that sounds effortless, is steeped, steeped, in funky country cosmic Americana cosmic-ness and they also seem like a nice pair of lads. I read an interview they did with Mark Broadbent and they came across as sound.

Flying Mojito Bros 🌵🌵 · Eight Miles Higher

Eight Miles Higher is a modern take on The Byrds', Eight Miles High. FMB take it higher, though, so it's better to play Eight Miles Higher in a club situation. Play Eight Miles High to impress your dad or male guardian when he visits and trick him into thinking you're finally getting into the music that he always says is better than the rubbish you usually annoy him with.

Flying Mojito Bros. return to The Social on Saturday 5 March 2022 and you can get involved by pressing this link here: Relatively Clean Ravers

Eight Miles Higher by the Flying Mojito Bros. gets a Yankee Doodle 10/10 !!!!

Buy it: Eight Miles Higher

Buy a limited edition cassette: Relatively Clean Ravers tape

Follow them on Twitter: @FlyinMojitoBros

I wrote some notes the other night, but I can't think of much else to do with them. Read below and you get the gist, though; I was wondering if anyone genuinely finds the comedians on Live at the Apollo funny. Really, genuinely funny. I happened to switch over to Live at the Apollo by accident and watched ten minutes of it agape.

Live at the Apollo. Vagina lips. Jamaican war correspondent. They wrote this stuff down and it actually made their act and they actually got on the telly with it. Shots of people really laughing hard in crowd. Rubbish.

It's not like Best Promos, is it?!

Anyway, I see the Easter eggs are in the shops now. Unbelievable. I'm shaking my eyes and rolling my head at it, believe you me. Gets earlier every year, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen? I was in Sainsbury's in Eastcote mid-January and they...don't get me started. What am I trying to say? Yes...and where chocolate goes, greedy Ivan Smagghe and greedy Erol Alkan follow. They have now put tickets to their Maundy Thursday into Good Friday Easter celebration in the shops for us to buy.

On Thursday 14 April 2022, Smagghey and our Erol play B2B from 10pm to 4am - ALL NIGHT LONG at Studio 9294 in Hackney to remember the death and resurrection of Our Lord - and if I didn't live in Ruislip, and have a family and a job I need to keep, and if I was twenty years younger, I'd definitely be buying tickets for it. I'd be clicking on this link here to buy tickets for it because you really can't go wrong with Ivan Smagghe and Erol Alkan.

Mid-00s Ivan Smagghe looks a bit like Jack from This Is Us, and I have to say, Jack and Ivan are both really nice people, too.

That's me done for today. Back soon.

Email me here: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me here: @BestPromos4Eva

BEST PROMOS...it's Grrrrrrrrrrilliant!