GLASTONBURY SPECIAL

When I live through bouts of writer's block, as I have been for the last two weeks, I jump in my blue Skoda Fabia and drive for two and a half hours - at maximum speed - down to my Mersea Island, beachfront bolt hole and pick this book up:

This one:

I pick it up, have a brief leaf through and then HAMMER myself in the face with it for about twenty minutes. Non-stop.

After twenty or so minutes of BELTING myself in the face with it, I am in the right mood, and space, to write Best Promos again. I've heard that the thicko writers at Mixmag use a copy of the Beano. At Resident Advisor: that's life magazine. Ran$om Note also use that's life.

The eggheads at The Quietus probably BATTER themselves on the chin with One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez - and no, I'm not a human rhubarb: I just Googled, "hardest book to read" and that was one of the results. I am quite good at writing, though.

Speaking of The Quietus, I was having a right old ding-dong with a bloke off of it on Sunday afternoon about Axl Rose's cycling shorts, and at the same time, weirdly, I saw an advert in the paper for a Blur gig I'm going to on the 8 July. I scanned down the list of support acts and the bloke's name from The Quietus I was engaging with on my phone was also flashing back at me off the page of the newspaper! Steve Davis and John Doran, DJing live at Wembley Stadium. Who'd have thunk it, I mean, thought it? Not me. In fact, you could say that I was snookered when I read it! LOL! Do you get it?

John Doran; co-founder and editor of The Quietus, and an expert in cycling shorts, LIVE at Wembley Stadium. Unbelievable. I suggested to him that he should wear cycling shorts. He said he would, but I don't think he will.

Cycling shorts or not, I'll be there in my cycling shorts with my John Doran t-shirt on at the front, waving my John Doran homemade poster and screaming all the way through his and Steve's set. I can't wait! After they've played their last song, I'll be shouting, "FOLLOW THAT, BLUR!" and laughing sarcastically.

I was going to do a bit about Mr. Methane kicking off the Pyramid Stage on Friday lunchtime, Lindisfarne getting booed off on the Saturday night and Frank Skinner raising the roof in the "Legends" slot on Sunday afternoon, but even the sketchiest suggestion of all that saddened my heart to bits, and I love Frank Skinner and Mr. Methane.

Let me plug a new song by X-Press 2 instead. I need cheering up after that CRAP Glastonbury idea.

They've got a new one out called Muse and, in my head, I phoned up Steve Davis to ask for his thoughts on it. This is how I imagined the conversation would go.

- - - bring bring - - - bring bring - - - bring bring. - - - click...

Hello, Steve Davis speaking, how may I help you?

Hi, Steve, it's Kev here at Best Promos. How's it going?

Very well, thanks, Kev, I'm just in the middle of prepping for my back to back DJ set with John Doran at Wembley Stadium in a week or so, what are you up to?

Well, I'm taking advantage of the beautiful weather, Steve, and doing some more laundry! I might mow the lawn later, see how I feel. What can I do for you?

You phoned me.

Did I?

You did, mate! Honestly.

Bloody hell, sorry. What did I want?

Not sure, Kev. Something about snooker?

No, don't think so. Errr.

Something about my upcoming gig at Wembley Stadium, supporting Blur with John Doran from The Quietus?

No, it was something good, but not that good!

Was it to rave about the book I wrote with Kavus Torabi, Medical Grade Music?

No, I've just remembered, it was to ask you if you'd heard the new X-Press 2 song, Muse. Have you?

Oh, darling, I have! House music would sound very different without the work of this legendary pair. For the last three decades, they have been serving up a broad spectrum of music that ranges from catchy and anthemic to more dark and moody via the charismatic sounds of their last single You Know (Everybody).

They're great, aren't they?

They're fabulous! They won an Ivor Novello Award for Lazy ft David Byrne and have even had their tunes synced by fashion house Givenchy, but never have they stopped evolving, as four fantastic studio albums have shown.

I know.

They are in fine form again here with Muse, which finds the pair sinking into deep, introverted house grooves. The dusty, scruffy drums drag like a heavy heart beneath wistful vocal sounds up top that convey real emotional pain. Subtle melodies rise up through the mix to bring a sense of hope to this most moving of tracks.

You're not wrong, Steve.

Kev, you've obviously listened to this a lot. If you had a gun to your head, what score out of ten would you give it?

Steve, I'd quite comfortably, with an easy conscience, grant Muse by X-Press 2 a 10/10

I thought you were going to say a 147 then! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

That's...interesting! Ahhhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Bye.

Bye.

- - - click - - -

Muse by X-Press 2 is OUT NOW on Acid Jazz Records.

BUY IT HERE: Beatport/Muse/X-Press2

Follow X-Press 2 on Twitter

I can't best that. I think we need to end this post ASAP (as soon as possible).

I'll just leave you with a few quotes from that book I use to TONK myself in the face with every few months. It'll make you think...

By seeing London, I have seen as much of life as the world can show.

Dr. Samuel Johnson 1709-1784

No one is so old as to think he cannot live one more year.

Cicero 106-43 B.C.

Have you heard about the Irishman who went to night school to learn Vietnamese? He said he'd just adopted a Vietnamese baby and wanCONTENT REMOVED BY BEST PROMOS LAWYERS ON GROUNDS OF TASTE AND DECENCY

Tom O'Conner 1939-2021

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

Romeo, Romeo and Juliet

William 'Shakey' Shakespeare 1564-1616

Make good choices. Have a good day.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

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Scooby

I love t-shirts.

Last night, I cashed in all of my Bitcoins, all of my ETH, took out a loan at the local building society, dipped into my pension pot and re-mortgaged the house.

Why?

Well, Magic Castles are releasing their new Dresden t-shirt today, I r-r-r-r-really want it, and it costs £50.00 (fifty pounds).

Yes, you can buy about ten Fruit of the Loom t-shirts for that much money, but will a Fruit of the Loom t-shirt tell everyone on your council estate that you've got a cool, alternative taste in music and an ear to the underground culture floor? Of course not. If you wear a Fruit of the Loom t-shirt; yes, you'll have more money to spend on essentials, but you won't look anywhere near as trendy to strangers and disinterested family members. On balance, I'd say fifty pounds for this is well worth the wonga:

The brand new Dresden t-shirt is 100% cotton and they've pre-washed it for you so that it doesn't look like it cost fifty pounds. Ivan Smagghe always wears it when he's DJing and I'll soon be strutting around the Ruislip Manor Wetherspoon's in one.

The Dresden - Call to Rise t-shirt by Magic Castles is released at 12pm TODAY on their website and it gets an EXPENSIVE 10/10 from us all here!

Click on this at 12pm today, have all of your credit cards at the ready: DRESDEN - CALL TO RISE

Follow Magic Castles on Instagram

Follow DRESDEN on Instagram

I hope that didn't come across as sarcastic. I love Ivan Smagghe, DRESDEN are ace and Magic Castles make fun t-shirts.

Last month, Paul "Scooby" Scubington aka Scuba was generous enough, for some reason, to send me some green vinyl, some black vinyl, some stickers and a lighter which I do very much appreciate from the bottom of my grateful heart. Grovel grovel. In a previous life I wrote a disastrous - and quite pointless - daily blog for Hotflush which, whilst doing nothing at all for the advancement of the label, gave me a huge sense of self esteem, and I cannot thank Scuba and everyone at Hotflush enough for the experience. Creep creep. Having an association with a record label such as Hotflush and, by extension, with a ground-breaking artist such as Scuba provided me with a great deal of happiness and pride. Cringe cringe.

Last week, Scuba released a couple of tunes off of that green vinyl (only) release digitally, so even the saddos who don't own a record player could bask in his breath-taking brilliance. Crawl crawl. Have a listen to Zap! and tell me that you're not now in love with Scuba:

It's totes amaze-balls, isn't it? (I love that phrase) My favourite bit in Zap! is when Scuba starts rapping after inhaling the helium from a birthday balloon. I can't tell what he's rapping about, but I'm sure he's carrying a deep meaning that would make us all think and change if we could tell what he's going on about.

I love it. Zap! gets a HOT(flush) 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos!!! Well done, Scuba, you beautiful, beautiful, kind-hearted soul. Never change. Bow. Scrape.

Buy it here: Hardcore Heaven | Scuba (bandcamp.com)

Follow Scuba on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Hotflush on Twitter and on Instagram

"Ooh, you're hard"

I was going to do a review on the upcoming Third Culture EP, U Move, but I haven't got the energy for it after all of that toadying up at Scuba. U Move doesn't come out until 30 June, so I'll do a proper review nearer the time. It's good, though. I promise. Check out the rest of the stuff on Lone Romantic until then:

Music | Lone Romantic (Bandcamp.com)

Soundcloud / Lone Romantic

To be honest, I only wrote this post today because I had that email from Magic Castles and I liked the idea of saying something about how silly it is to pay fifty pounds for a t-shirt.

No. Or maybe it's not silly at all? Maybe it's ok to be silly? Just because I wouldn't pay fifty pounds for a 100% cotton t-shirt (I'd want some silk in it for that price), it doesn't mean that I should write about it in a passive aggressive, snarky way, especially when it's a good looking t-shirt advertising the work of a genuinely beloved artist of mine and his moustachioed mate. I feel bad now. I should have just kept my trap shut. Buy it if you want to.

Live and let live from now on, guys. It's your money, you do what you want with it. You don't take it with you! It is a good t-shirt.

Live and let live. Get the bloody t-shirt, go on!!!

Maybe I should delete the t-shirt stuff? No, I'll keep it in. Stuff it.

Have a nice weekend, all.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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One Written Psalm is Fortune’s Book

After last week's, quite frankly, ludicrous campaign to have all domestic dogs in the UK destroyed, the offices here at Best Promos HQ have been swarmed by packs of angry dogs from all across the UK and their meek, subservient owners following twenty yards behind them, looking embarrassed. It was a weekend demonstration to rival anything by the Just Stop Oil lot, and they set out to cause Best Promos maximum disruption. One dog shouted through the letter box that it should be ME that gets despatched, and that SHE'D gladly pull the lever, the bitch. Another one fouled on the parking space marked, EDITOR OF BEST PROMOS, and his owner did not pick it up. I had to send Pottsy out to deal with it, and he did so in typical Pottsy style: as he bent over to pick up the dog muck, he pulled his trousers down and did a big, loud, smelly pump in the direction of the angriest-looking Doberman on the protest. Pottsy is as mad as a box of wasps, but he's loyal, and a terrific character to have on side in situations like this. He doesn't care if you're a cross dog, a juiced-up bouncer or a simple copper; if you're getting on my nerves, he's going to pull his trousers down at you for me. He's a great bloke.

Eventually, the dogs and their "owners" went back home and the furore was no more. A furore doesn't last that long anymore, does it?

So, with that all cleared up, we are now able to settle down and get on with the important task of reviewing some dance music. Let's review some dance music! Let's review some dance music! Let's review some dance music! Come on, sing along with me...Let's review some dance music! Let's review some dance music! Let's review some dance music!

Let's review some dance music.

This is not so much a dance music release review, but more of a nod towards a radio show that I think you should be listening to. It's on NTS, and it's called the Giles Smith Radio Show, I think? It might not be called that, but if he wanted to use that name, I wouldn't take legal action.

Have a listen to this and then continue reading the rest of the post:

NTS Thursday · Giles Smith 010623

It's good isn't it? I wrote to Giles the other night to congratulate him on his success and to thank him for playing a track by Los Amigos Invisibles, who I'd never heard of before listening to this episode. I've had one of their albums on loop all week since. It's perfect summer music. Giles was kind enough to take the time out of his day to write back, too, so that was nice.

This is Giles Smith's first solo show for NTS after the conscious uncoupling from James Priestly recently, and I think he should be very proud of himself. I bet he was a bag of nerves, but it's a fun couple of hours and he comes across as a really sound bloke.

I was going to do a bit about him being the only Giles in dance music, but then I remembered Giles Peterson.

I'm rambling a bit now, sorry. To conclude, I'll say that this is the best radio show on the planet at the moment, and if you don't give it a go you're thick. The Giles Smith Radio Show on NTS gets a ROLLICKING 10/10 ! Give it a go.

Listen to it here: Giles Smith | NTS

Follow Giles Smith on Instagram

When I'm not listening to rock n roll, I'm listening to dance music, and right now, I'm not listening to rock n roll, so I must be listening to dance music, and I am (listening to dance music), and the dance music that I'm listening to is a song called M25160 by a bloke called The Maghreban featuring King Kashmere. That sounds a bit more exciting than Giles Smith, doesn't it, readers?

I am a long time supporter of The Maghreban, I think he's absolutely fantastic, and I'm not just saying that because he's mates with the bloke who played Avery in EastEnders and I'd love to meet him one day (Avery, not The Maghreban), but what I really love about this new track is that The Maghreban is openly admitting to being lazy in the press release:

"The first 3 12”s I released were jungle records, in the mid 90s. I’ve not really gone back there creatively since, but the genre definitely informs many of my productions.

I felt like speeding up a tune I put out a few months ago to see how it sounded at 160 bpm. It worked so I made a bit more of an intro and outro on it and am presenting it here. Very little money for old rope."

I can identify with this because I often go to the Wayback Machine and lift entire paragraphs, bits, and whole articles I wrote years ago from the now defunct Weekly Review of Dance Music and Tonka's Week on Ran$om Note. LOL.

M25160 is an Aldi knock off, speeded up version of this:

I've just had a look and this new song isn't even out until 28 June, and I don't think there are any ways of listening to it publicly yet, so this review is a bit of a waste of time for two reasons:

1) I can't play you the track and you'll have forgotten about this review by the 28 June

2) Nobody reads this blog anyway

It's a brilliant track, though, and it's got everyone here at Best Promos rockin'! We've had a team meeting and have settled on a score of 10/10 for it.

M25160 by The Maghreban feat. King Kashmere is out on Wednesday 28 June on Zoot Records.

Pre-order it here: ZootRecords / TheMaghreban / M25160

Follow The Maghreban on Twitter and on Instagram

The third and final tune I'm reviewing today is called Bubblin, and it's by a bloke called Julio Bashmore. To be honest, it's been out for a few weeks now, and I've only just got around to downloading the promo! 

It's a right bloody racket. Have a listen, and if you hate your neighbours, pump up the volume on it:

Bubblin is almost as stupid as Tiga's Mind Dimension. Not as stupid, but it's in the same classroom...in a good way! It's the kind of track you'd put on after peak time to start warping the punter's brains a bit, and to make them laugh at the same time. It's the good kind of stupid dance music, and the whole team here at Best Promos has had a lot of fun downing Dutch pingers whilst listening to it on their lunch hour. Pottsy even pulled his trousers down and slapped his bare bum in a 4/4 time signature during the break down!

I love Bubblin because it's stupid, and the lyrics are easy to remember. I hereby grant it a scholarly 10/10 !

Bubblin by Julio Bashmore is OUT NOW on Local Action.

Buy it here: Bubblin | Julio Bashmore (bandcamp.com)

Follow Julio Bashmore on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Local Action on Instagram

Now...EFF OFF!!!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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Best Promos · Anne Clark feat. JSO - Our Darkness (Best Promos "More Soup, Vicar?!" Remix)

Best Promos Live in Ruislip

* * * BEST PROMOS LIVE IN RUISLIP * * *

I don't mean that we live in Ruislip, I mean it in the performative sense because yesterday, Best Promos performed a DJ set LIVE in Ruislip! LOL. Can you believe it?

How was it carried out?

Well, I plugged my gold-plated Technics turntables in and used one of them posh rotary mixers through a massive pair of Funktion-One speakers...only joshing, guys! I did the mix on me lunch break with a lickle Pioneer DDJ-SB3 controller and a laptop! I'm not a proper DJ, you see, but I have got LOADS of good tunes on my external hard drive.

Why was it carried out?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Man Power / Me Me Me (@manpowermusic)

What inspired me to do this was actually the artwork that my very dear online/imaginary friend, Man Power, cooked up for his upcoming secret party thing he was promoting the other day. He used a picture of Linda Lusardi who, admittedly, is a top-drawer cracker, but I'd put good money on it that she's not as dirty as Linsey Dawn McKenzie which, I'm almost afraid to say it, edges it in Linsey's favour.

Edges what?

I'm not sure, but it just made me think that I would have used a picture of Linsey Dawn McKenzie on my flyer instead of Linda Lusardi, and that then got me thinking I should pay tribute to Linsey Dawn McKenzie by recording a special 'Glamour Model Mix' for the weekend, but I then realised that the only appropriate bits of music I own for that kind of mix is The Stripper by David Rose and I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred, and you're not allowed to play that anymore if you're not a racialist tory, which is a shame because it's a very, very fun record.

Anyway, have a listen if you want. It's crap! LOL

Best Promos · Best Promos Live in Ruislip

Maybe it'll get me a booking at the Geo Bar on Eastcote High Street. Keep everything crossed for me, guys!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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Best Promos For The Blind: Volume 1

The first in a new series.

I don't have half as many readers as I should because I'm not catering for the blind, so I've asked Ringo Starr to narrate a 'Best of Best Promos' for YouTube.

Today's post is the one where I had to break the sad news to dance fans all across the world about the Queen being dead: Queen Death BP Post

Over the coming weeks and months, with the help of Ringo Starr, I'll be uploading lots more Best Promos posts on YouTube so that people like Stevie Wonder and PJ from Byker Grove can enjoy it as well. Thank you to Peter O'Polytunnel for the inspiration, but any advertising revenue I make from this series of videos will not be shared with anyone.

Yours, the team at Best Promos.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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The KILL ALL DOMESTIC DOGS Campaign

Rest in Peace, Lola. Gone, but never forgotten. Look over and watch over Pops and Lexi. They will need you more than ever now. Jay will no doubt move on to another bird on the Square, but you might as well watch over him, too. He did love you for a few months. In Jesus' name. Amen. Rest in Peace, our delicate flower. A true tart with a heart.

I had to get that out of the way before starting the post proper. Lola was great in EastEnders, a real positive ray of positive sunshine.

And yes, I did mean to use the word, "positive", twice in the same sentence.

Yo. I was driving along the streets of Eastcote in my blue Skoda Fabia whip last week and a song came on the radio that made me sit up, wake up and take notice. You'll be surprised to learn that it was the new Beyoncé song. I'm not usually bothered by her tunes, but when America Has a Problem came on Kiss FM, I spat my cornflakes all over the steering wheel! I thought to myself, "I know who produced this without even looking on Wikipedia! It's Egyptian Lover and Art of Noise!". I then turned up the volume to number 22 and shouted out the window to an old couple walking their dog, "I know who produced this without even looking on Wikipedia! It's Egyptian Lover and Art of Noise!".

Have a listen:

It sounds a bit like Egyptian Lover and Art of Noise have produced it, doesn't it?

Doesn't it? I'm scared to look on Wikipedia in case I'm wrong...

Speaking of dogs, I'm going to say something controversial now:

KILL ALL DOMESTIC DOGS

Either kill the dogs or their owners. I'm not sure what would be best yet - I've not thought it through properly - but I'm a bit tired of walking around Bessingby Park with my eyes fixed to the ground. And I'm a bit tired of having dogs jumping and yapping around me and me kids at Warrender Park and the owners cheerfully letting me know that they're "just being friendly". Do you know what I mean?

Dogs and their owners are a nuisance and they have no place on this earth. The whole team here at Best Promos hhhhhhhhhhhates them. Kill them all.

Thanks.

Anyway, I received an electronic letter yesterday from the Irish dance star from Ireland, Peter O'Polytunnel. I didn't read it all, but I think the gist of it was this:

"Please plug my new EP and I'll give it you for free."

What Peter Polytunnel doesn't know is that Best Promos only gets about 30 views per post, so me plugging it on here won't do ANYTHING to help him! LOL. Still, a nice little digital music freebie for yours truly, methinks *rubbing my hands together and winking*

I still can't believe Scuba thought it would be a good idea to send me some limited edition vinyl in exchange for a 10/10 on here! I think about 25 people read that particular post. Chortle!

This Ruchill Raw EP is bloody brilliant, though! It's four tracks of the best Irish dance music I've ever heard, and it's living rent free in my head. 100%. Imagine Art of Noise mixed with Egyptian Lover in the chill out room at an I Love Acid night and you'll get the picture.

My favourite track on it is The Last Leap because it sounds like Egyptian Lover has produced the drum pattern on it. Have a listen:

It's good isn't it? The whole album, I mean, EP, is good too. It's so good that I'm going to award it a MASSIVE 10/10 !

BUY IT HERE: Ruchill Raw - Polytunnel
Follow Polytunnel on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Stepback Records on Instagram

I'm not saying Paul Oakenfold is a crap DJ, but he's about as much use as a chocolate teapot! And he's a wanker. I had Kisstory on the radio on Saturday night and I thought he sounded like he was absolutely crapping himself. I shouted across the fence to my neighbours, "James! Stick Kisstory on! Paul Oakenfold sounds like he's absolutely crapping himself during every link! I think something's about to come out, and I don't mean crap out of his bum!"

And my hunch was proved right. Again. I bet Egyptian Lover would never do that kind of thing. He'd most likely sing a song about actually getting off with a gorgeous woman because they'd want to be getting off with him, too, but then he'd end up having sex with his 808 instead. In a Ferrari or something. He wouldn't flash at them.

I wonder if Paul Morley would?

Anyway, I just hope Cream do the right thing and cancel Paul Oakenfold's famous residency with them ASAP (as soon as possible).

Someone who is the opposite of a wanker (I think. No, he's definitely not) is the Black Country industrial techno big shot, Manni Dee. He's got a new song out called HOT and, in a departure for industrial techno, this one has got some singing on it. River Moon is the singer on it.

River Moon is singing about how hot they are, which I think we can all relate to. I've been wearing a t-shirt and shorts for the last couple of weeks and I've even cracked the Mitchum out so that my armpits don't ronk! I've swapped the thick winter duvet out for the summer one and I'm hardly using the machine dryer for laundry anymore. That reminds me, I need to get into the habit of making sure the ice cube trays are re-filled and put back in the freezer every morning before the sunny afternoons. There's nothing worse than going for some ice cubes and the tray is empty!

HOT by Manni Dee and River Moon gets a COOL 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.

HOT by Manni Dee and River Moon is OUT NOW on Silk + Steel.

BUY IT HERE: HOT by Manni Dee and River Moon
Follow Manni Dee on Instagram
Follow River Moon on Instagram

Dispersion promos vs HYPE Filter promos = Dispersion win via knock out.

I can't think of anything else to say about that statement. I need to be on some more promo lists, though, I'm getting jaded.

Who is looking after the excellent Melissa Maouris promos these days? How do I get on them? Did they get shared out amongst the other PR companies? Maybe I need to contact someone at Spun Out to get put on their list. I like all of the people on Spun Out.

I don't know where this post is going now. Hang on.

Yes. I went to Hollan...the Netherlands last week. I smoked spliffs and ate cheese whilst cycling around the red light district with a massive toy windmill strapped to my head, singing this:

That was a funny story, wasn't it?

I'd better go. Hartelijk dank.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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