metal car

Will Smith v Chris Rock at the Oscars reminded me of the time Lenny Henry ran on stage at The Embassy club and uppercutted Bernard Manning in his chins for making that Live Aid joke about Dawn French. Come to think of it, that was the beginning of the end of their relationship, I think. She really took it to heart and it obviously struck a nerve with him. He started wearing trendier clothes and took up Shakespeare. It could never last, unfortunately. They were a lovely couple :-(

A man asked me what kind of car I drive. I said a metal one. More on that later.

Anyway, speaking of touchy people called Will...I had a dream last night that I was in a totally wicked bar called Wetherspoon's in fashionable Camden with the shady proprietor of Ran$om Note, Wil, an uber cool (is that term still in use? It is now...) grime journalist who specialises in grime, Ian, an Arsenal fan called Tom who is yet to become famous for eating things and doing the splits on YouTube and a whole host of other characters whose names and faces I can't remember. We were all getting absolutely Parloured, singing songs and annoying fellow diners by chucking chips at each I can't be bothered with this bit anymore. The point of it was that it wasn't a dream, but a day-dreamed memory of a Christmas p*ss-up a few years ago that actually happened. In Camden. It seemed funnier in my head when I was sat on the pan this morning.

Follow Ran$om Note on social media: @ransomnoted / /thisisransomnote/

Same with Ian: @IanMcQuaid

And Tom: /_tomusher/

And me: https://www.instagram.com/bestpromos4eva/

DANCE REVIEWS

Garen Moreno and Nacho Marco might sound like characters in GTA Vice City, but they're not. Garen Moreno and Nacho Marco are characters who make up the modern dance band, Jet Hammer, and they've got a new EP out on one of my favourite record labels, Running Back. The Last Night EP by Jet Hammer is fantastic. Buy it and you'll find out why.

By Buying the Late Night EP by Jet Hammer you'll realise just how fantastic it is because you'll be able to hear the music they made. Simply reading about music isn't the same as listening to it.

Running Back Records · 4 - Jet Hammer - On Your Side(InstrVersion)

"How much is it?"

It's only 7 euros (about £49 in pound sterling) and it'll make you feel so good inside. Really.

"'ow much?!"

I know. Absolute bargain.

Like most songs on Running Back, the music is retro AND futuristic, and my favourite track on the EP is On Your Side - Instrumental Version.

"Why?"

Because the intro reminds me of the music on Bloodsport.

"Ok, based on all the information you've just provided us with, how much out of ten would you award the Late Night EP by Jet Hammer?"

10/10

Late Night EP is out NOW on Running Back

Buy it here: Last Night EP | Jet Hammer

Follow Running Back on Twitter: @RunningBackRec

Follow them on Instagram: runningbackrecords

Ooh, hang on. I've got mail...

...what's this? Jake Price at Dispersion PR. Ok. Wow. Let me just read this out to you, readers:

“We welcome back Saved label favourite and one of Europe’s leading DJ and producer’s this month, Spencer Parker, who delivers his brand new single, ‘Kiss’. Renowned across the globe for his unique style of House, Tech House and Techno, Spencer Parker’s productions, remixes and re-edits have found homes on respected labels including Rekids, HE.SHE.THEY., Trick, Nite Grooves, Tsuba, Work Them Records, Warehouse Music and his music has been heavily supported by A-List DJ’s Ricardo Villalobos, Radio Slave, Dixon, Gerd Janson and more!

A firm favourite of label boss Nic Fanciulli’s ever since he heard the track, ‘Kiss’ emanates Spencer’s inimitable, signature sound. Sampling the infamous Sister Sledge classic, ‘One More Time’, Spencer adds his own spin on the sample incorporating funk laden drum grooves, enchanting mid-range synth melodies, crisply mixed percussion, playful bassline and a pulsating low-end, resulting in the perfect peak-time production, destined to blow up the club! Enjoy!”

Thanks for that, Jake. Appreciate it. I have to say, though, when I first read the subject header:

NEWS RELEASE: Spencer Parker returns to Nic Fanciulli’s Saved imprint for new single, ‘Kiss’

I thought this was going to be a Spencer Parker remix of Kiss by Prince, so I was a bit disappointed, but, to be honest, this song is even better after seven or eight listens. Kiss by Spencer Parker sounds nothing like the Prince version. It sounds to me like it samples One More Time by Sister Sledge.

Oh, that's what Jake Price said. Sorry, mate. Have a listen:

It sounds to me like a record you'd hear David Morales play at Space in Ibiza in the late-90s. Which is no bad thing at all. It certainly put a smile on my face this morning and has distracted me from the horror of the Oscars atrocity. Which is no bad thing at all.

Spencer Parker is a Wolverhampton Wanderers fan, apparently, and he's used loads of the filter dial on this track to ramp up the good vibes and keep us dancing like cartoon wolves at an afternoon forest wolf disco on the Tiny Tots TV channel.

Just had it confirmed, he is a Wolves fan. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I won't hold that against him, and to prove it I'm awarding Kiss a WHOPPING 10/10 + 1 !!!

Ten out of ten plus one. I don't think any dance music website has ever granted anything bigger than that. Well done, Spencer.

Kiss by Spencer Parker is out NOW on Saved Records.

Buy Kiss by Spencer Parker here: /release/kiss/

Follow Spencer Parker on social media: @spencer_parker / /spencerparkermusic/

Follow Saved Records, too: @savedrecords /saved_records/

I usually do three reviews on here each week, but loads of the stuff I've had from HYPE Filter PR isn't out until late April / May / June. Seems a bit of a waste to review it all now. All good stuff though. Loads of artists I've never heard of releasing more industrial noise and large ambient soundscapes. Great stuff, so look out for all of them reviews over the coming months. I'm looking at you, Void Complet. Zanshin. Sangre Voss. Mysterious supergroup, Protect Ryan (that has to be Ryan Elliott and DJ Protect, surely?). Sunshine Life Emulator. All brilliant stuff.

I love dance music. It's great.

So, yes, anyway, I was talking with a man the other day and he asked me what kind of cars I like. I said I like metal ones and he started to laugh. I said, "what you laughing at?" He said, "metal cars". I said, "what's so funny about that?" He said, "I thought you were going to say a Porsche or a Ferrari." I said, "but I don't drive a Ferrari." He said, "I know, but I didn't expect you to say metal". I said, "but all cars are metal." He said, "I know, but I meant what type of car." I said, "I know, and I said a metal one." He said, "I know, but not many people say they like metal cars. They'll say they like a Porsche or a Ferrari". I said, "but I don't drive a Ferrari. I drive a normal car." He said, "what kind of normal car?" I said, "it's a metal one." He started to laugh, so I asked him what he was laughing at...

I'm trying to get into comedy writing, and I sent that bit of material to Charlie Chuck last night, but he hasn't replied yet. I think it would fit right in on one of his monologues for Vic and Bob. Fingers crossed he gets back soon and accepts my offer. I want to be the next Barry Cryer. Wish me luck, readers!

I think I'm done now. Back next week.

Email me YOUR best promos: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Follow me on social media: @BestPromos4Eva / /bestpromos4eva/

Sorry, readers, this is probably the worst post I've, I mean, we've ever done on here. Little to no effort, rushed it. Sincere apologies. I have, I mean, we have a life outside of this blog. Best Promos means very little to me, it's just a hobby, so actually, I'm not sorry. Bye.

Be lucky, yeah?

One Does Not Simply Write Best Promos

After the blazing success of last week's Best Promos cover shot of Matt Hancock in the GMB Morning Britain television studios talking about how great Best Promos is, he's been invited to all sorts of showbiz (show-business) events and Public Relations (PR) parties. On Sunday night, he was invited to the screening of Oxide Ghosts: The Brass Eye Tapes by Michael Cumming at The Gate Cinema in posh Notting Hill - not far away from where Hugh Grant was famously, ahem, kissed down below by Liz Hurley in a posh car park and then arrested for, ahem...hmm, this is a family blog. I'll stop that particular, ahem, anecdote. Anyway, you get the picture! LOL

I caught up with Matt about Oxide Ghosts when he was walking back to the tube. He'd had a few sherberts by himself in The Uxbridge Arms and could hardly string a sentence together.

"Matt, what did you think of Oxide Ghosts, then, mate?"

"Oh, it was, you know, really, r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really good, I mean, great. You feel me?"

"Brilliant. Did you learn anything new about Brass Eye?"

"Yes. I learned that there were a lot of out-takes and bloopers that never made it to air in the original series. And I l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-learned that Michael Cumming didn't direct the 2001 Special. It was so good, you get me?"

"Excellent. And did you ask a question at the end, Matt?"

"I wanted to, but I was too sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shy."

"Oh, Matt, you silly thing. What did you want to ask, you daft apeth?"

"I r-r-r-r-r-r-really wanted to ask what percentage of the audience in the Kilroy bit on the Sex episode thought they were there for the filming of a serious talk show."

"I suppose you'll never know now, will you Matt? You silly thing. Did you meet any celebs?"

"Oh yes. I had my picture taken with David Walliams and The League of Gentlemen. I wanted to ask David Walliams if he's still in touch with Big Boy Barry, but I was too sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shy."

"Oh! You are silly, Matt. What are you?! Anyway, I'll let you get on the tube, it's cold when the sun goes in, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's c-c-c-c-c-c-c-freezing now. Before I go down the steps, I'd just like to ask you to review Oxide Ghosts: The Brass Eye Tapes on the blog and award it a whopping 10/10 from me, MP Matt Hancock MP. Thanks Best Promos, and I'll see you later. Bye!"

"Thanks Matt."

Oxide Ghosts: The Brass Eye Tapes is still on tour. Buy tickets here.

Follow massive Matty Hancock on Twitter: @MattHancock

Follow Steve Pemberton on Twitter: @SP1NightOnly

Follow David Walliams on Twitter: @DavidWalliams

Follow ReeceShearsmith on Twitter: @ReeceShearsmith

I didn't mean to start this week's post like that, but I liked the picture that Matt Hancock texted me last night so much, I just haaaaaaaad to start with it.

Anyway...memes are great. Check out this example meme I created using Google Images, Snipping Tool and Microsoft Paint (my three artistic tools of choice) and tell me that memes aren't great.

The title of this post is a little bit of a red herring, though, boys and girls, because today's post is not just a platform to shpwcase, I mean, showcase, the very best - and funniest - dance music memes; I'm also throwing in some hilarious lookalikes!

Here's one now, look:

Who do you reckon did this mix for Ran$om Note, Fleabag or Azo?

Ransom Note · Azo: The 'Shine A Light On' Mix

I'll give you a clue: the person who did that mix was NOT the one who worked on Killing Eve, but it MIGHT have been the one who acted in this video here, now:

I don't think Fleabag would do an interview with a website like Ran$om Note, but you never know! It's a really good website (Wil, I owe you an Apple Sourz one day - reach out), so she might! LOL

The point of that bit was to let you, the readers, know that I think Azo looks a bit like Fleabag. She does, though, doesn't she?! LOL. They can't stop us laughing, and where do my hilarious lookalikes get you? Right in the funny bones!

Have a mooch around Azo's fun website: azomusic.com

Follow Azo on Twitter: @AzoMusic

Want another lookalike? A hilarious lookalike??? Yes?????

You asked for it...strap your sides in...!!!

DJ Windows 98 out of Arcade Fire doesn't half look a lot like Martin out of Deutschland 83, Deutschland 86 and Deutschland 89, do you know what I mean? LOL

Pre-order the new Arcade Fire CD from HMV: WE CD by Arcade Fire at HMV

Follow Arcade Fire on Twitter: @ArcadeFire

Follow Jonas Nay on Twitter: @Nay_Jonas

Hey. One of my many male mates (he/him) in one of my toxic masculinity WhatsApp banter groups has just sent me a horrible meme. I don't think it's funny, so I'm calling him out on it.

Corky - you really shouldn't have shared this one, mate.

Sorry about that, guys.

Follow Nina Kraviz on Twitter: @NinaKraviz

Let's have a look at a wholesome (but still hilarious) funny meme that doesn't turn our stomachs.

Hmm, a bit cheeky, but it's not nasty like the Nina Kraviz one. You can laugh at this one in front of your mother. I used to love the Tidy Boys and the Tidy Girls. The good old days. Things were more simple, weren't they? I'm sure they're nice lads with fab personalities, but I can't imagine the balding, speccy Tidy Boys would be surrounded by top-class DJ crumpet like Anne Savage, Lisa Pin-Up, Rachel Auburn and Lisa Lashes if they weren't international hard house DJs...

Follow The Tidy Boys on Twitter: @TheTidyBoys

...look at this hilarious lookalike, guys! These two, long-haired layabout, homeless-chic DJs are really cool, but which one is which??? LOL

Before I forget, today's post is sponsored by DISCOLIDAYS, the new vinyl label by my new best friend, The Reflex.

Look at the Bandcamp page: DISCOLIDAYS

DISCOLIDAYS will be knocking out remixes that use the original multitrack (I don't know what that means) from established and underground artists (I don't know which artists), plus exclusive material (I don't know what material).

My favourite thing about DISCOLIDAYS is the logo.

It's a lorra, lorra fun. Very colourful, visually breathtaking and it really conveys that sense of breathtakingly colourful fun that The Reflex brings to every single one of his remixes.

My favourite thing about DISCOLIDAYS is the music.

Excellent stuff, and both tracks on DISCOLIDAYS 001 are at an eye-watering 118 bpm, meaning that if you stop dancing, a bouncer will wander over to where you've sat down and boot you repeatedly in the eyes until you clamber to your feet and begin to jig again.

Whilst writing all of that fluff, my mind couldn't help telling my brain that The Reflex looks a bit like the singer out of Frankie Goes to Hollywood! He also looks like my next door neighbour, but I'm not going to put a picture of him on here.

God works in mysterious ways, but my head works in even weirder ways!!! LOL

The first release on DISCOLIDAYS is brilliant, and all of us here at Best Promos can give it no less than the respectable 10/10 it so richly deserves.

It's out on Friday 1 April 2022. No, seriously. I'm not trying to trick you. 1 April.

Pre-order it here: DISCOLIDAYS 001

Follow The Reflex on Twitter: @TheReflexMusic

This next hilarious lookalike is a good one.

If you're short-sighted, remove your glasses or contact lenses. If you've got 20/20 vision, drink 8-10 pints of strong Polish lager and spend half an hour spinning as fast as you can on a roundabout in your nearest playground.

Done? Great. Now, if you sit on a rocking chair with your screen set to the lowest brightness setting and squint hard enough at this image I've mocked up, Irish blog-house dance music enthusiasts, Bicep, look exactly like the singing hard man out of Erasure with the army hard man and Purple Heart winner, Sergeant Major Ant Middleton, out of the SAS fourth battalion, third marines...

Follow Bicep on Twitter: @FeelMyBicep

Follow Ant Middleton on Twitter: @AntMiddleton

Follow Andy Bell out of Erasure: @AndyBell_Info

This meme really speaks to me...LOL...

I think I'm done now. Don't forget to send me your Best Promos to review...

Email me to the max: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me up big style: @BestPromos4Eva

The Reflex · The Blessed Madonna BBC6 The Reflex Sweatbox Mix

And finally...

MASSIVE Music: Volume 11

I've been treating the Hillingdon Council bin men this morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Not with tips, cups of tea or friendly banter, but with dance music! LOL. What I do, every Monday morning, is move my massive Edifier speakers to the living room windowsill, open the windows (even if it's cold) and crank a few dance EPs up to twelve or thirteen. This morning was a corker.

For the audio nerds who read this: the Edifier speakers are connected to my Pioneer DDJ-SB3 controller with cables that have got red and black ends. The DDJ-SB3 is connected to my HP laptop via a black USB cable.

After powering on the speakers with my little remote control, I browsed my crates in Serato, nimbly navigating to exactly where I needed to be with cute finger twists, rolling the dial between my thumb and forefinger in a very professional manner. I was nodding my head and pouting despite not having yet loaded a track. I loaded White Label by Kellen303 into Deck 1 and pressed Play.

"IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED. IF YOU CHIT CHAT, YOU GET YOUR RIBS SNAPPED..." and so on and so forth.

This message, delivered in a nonchalantly English style, motivated the bin men outside to work a little bit harder because they didn't know whether or not the person playing this aggressively moody music was an 18-stone pagga enthusiast who hhhhhhhhates bin men (not me) or an 11-stone weakling who loves listening to dance promos (me). White Label is the first song on Kellen303's life's different now EP and, to be honest, it doesn't get any less bleak.

Check out his Rinse FM mix for a scary jaunt through his spooky record/MP3 collection...

Rinse FM · Keysound with Kellen303 & SPD - 26 August 2021

Anyway, The Dream has got a dance beat behind it with a load of random noises over the top. One of them sounds like a repeating rain drop that's been recorded, sampled and over-layed with an audio effect that I've not yet listened to in Ableton - in a good way.

After that, you've got Life's Different Now. This one has some proper dance beats every now and again before going to more weird noises and sound effects. I played it to my dead nans in a dream I had last week and they both said, "it's just a load of bloody noise, Kev. Turn it off." So I did.

I travelled all the way to the Walsall area of Heaven to get that customer feedback. Hope Kellen303 appreciates that.

The Roots VIP mix of the track my dearly departed nans didn't like sounds a bit like the original, but 

with different beats and sounds.

Speaking of dreams, I caught up with Kellen303 during my sleep last night/this morning. I asked him if he'd used his time during the pandemic to come up with any fancy tricks or solutions to the age old problem of breaking down creative barriers.

"Hi Kellen303. Thanks for meeting me in my dreams. Have you used your time during the pandemic to come up with any fancy tricks or solutions to the age old problem of breaking down creative barriers?"

“During the pandemic, I learned that if I set an intention before going to sleep I could use my dreams as tools to solve creative barriers I had while awake.”, explained Kellen303. “There’s a surreal eeriness that comes from this practice.”, he went on.

"Did you ever read Brandon Block's thesis on music as therapy in the New Scientist? Was there anything in Brandon Block's essay that you have used to deal with any feelings of isolation?"

“Using music as therapy during this time, the songs are a reflection of my feelings in isolation and wanting to fill the first club I played with as much bass as possible when the pandemic was over.”

"Thanks Kellen303."

That was a bit of fun, wasn't it, and the bin men certainly enjoyed it. By the end of the Roots VIP mix, they were all on the wall of my front garden, gyrating, twerking and doing the big fish, little fish rave dance, bless them. "Don't forget my food waste this week!", I called out through the net curtains in a deeper than normal voice.

The life's different now EP by Kellen303 gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from me.

It's out on Friday 25 March, but not sure where to buy it from.

Keep clicking on the Kellen303 Bandcamp page: Kellen303 Bandcamp

Keep refreshing the Keysound Recordings Bandcamp page: Keysound Bandcamp

Follow Kellen303 on Twitter: @Kellen303

The bin men had moved onto the next street by the end of the Kellen303 EP, so I have to abandon that amusing premise now. Which is no bad thing.

Is it?

What's next? Acid Arab...

If, like me, you're crazy about the Arabs and you enjoy Acid and French musicians, you'll LOVE the new Remixed album of loads of Acid Arab songs on Crammed Discs! I just wish it was out sooner that the 1 April 2022 release date!

"What's it like, Best Promos?"

Well, it starts off with an Ammar 808 remix of Laba Staifia. It's quite tribal and it's got a woman wailing about something. I can't understand a bleedin' word she's going on about, to be honest with you. It's fab, though. Deep Dish would have played it in the 90s.

After that, it's the Delmore remix of La Hafla. This one starts with a snake charmer playing an Eastern ditty to try and get an Eastern snake to pop out of an Eastern basket before suddenly shape-shifting into a slowed down, vocal Eastern version of Silence Complot by South American Cute Heels.

Polo & Pan (not Pan-Pot) follow that with their remix of Staifia. It's very slow and it's got another woman singing in a language I'm not able to understand. I only got an F in GCSE French, so I can't be expected to get my head around this, sorry. If anyone can let me know the lyrics to this song, I'll review it properly at a later date. Sorry Acid Arab and Polo & Pan. I'm not sorry to Pan-Pot.

Hang on a minute, what's this? Ooh. I like it. 4/4 drums. Sticks being banged. A nice hi-hat pattern and a bouncy hard house bassline. Saucy male vocals. Lovely stuff. I like this one, oh yes. What is it?

The Reflex, of course! I like him a lot. His remix of Groove Is In The Heart is proper good, innit? The Reflex is one of those rare artists who never seems to put anything crap out, and I think he's a bit under-appreciated, to be honest. Check out his stuff, buy it all and you'll never be stuck in the middle of a set. The Reflex remixes and revisions act as a dancefloor safety net. I just made that up off the top of my head, and it's true. Ejma (The Reflex Revision) is my favourite track on this release.

Soulan (Laolu Remix) is good. Soul Clap would definitely play this at some point during the evening.

I was intrigued by the Mr Boom remix of Rajel because I think the name Mr Boom is funny, but it's a bit too bonkers for me, this one. It's all over the shop. Maybe if I was on a dancefloor with a pint in my hand and a load of gear in my system it would make more sense. On a Monday lunchtime with a cup of tea, it's just noise.

I'm tired now, I shouldn't have committed to reviewing the entire album. I'll just say that the rest of the remixes are wicked and you should definitely put your hands in your pockets and make Acid Arab rich beyond their wildest dreams by buying this on their Bandcamp when it comes out on April Fools Day (1 April 2022 on Crammed Discs).

Remixed receives an Eastern-flavoured 10/10 from all of us here at Best Promos.

Remixed by Acid Arab and friends is out soon, not sure where to buy or pre-order yet. LOL. I'm useless!

Keep clicking on the Acid Arab Bandcamp page until it appears: Acid Arab

Do the same on the Crammed Discs Bandcamp page: Crammed Discs

Follow Acid Arab on Twitter: @AcidArab

Follow The Reflex on Twitter: @TheReflexMusic

Follow Crammed Discs on Twitter: @CrammedDiscs

Hmm. I think I've jumped the gun with all the promos this week. None of them are available to pre-order yet and there aren't any YouTube or Soundcloud clips to embed. Hmm. I know, I'll tell the promo companies and artists that I'm just creating a buzz. By the time this influential blog post makes its way around the dance music global community, Kellen303, Acid Arab and Radio Hell will be all that anyone will be talking about. I'm a good blogger. This is definitely not a waste of my time.

Is it?

Hey readers, did you know that Radio Slave and DJ Hell have been knocking about with one another and making some dance tunes? No? Well, they are, and they've called themselves Radio Hell because Radio Slave is the Radio bit of Radio Hell and DJ Hell is the Hell bit of it. Geddit? It's a bit like when Hulk Hogan and Macho Man teamed up and called themselves the Mega Powers. No, it's not like that. It's more like when The Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man became the Ultimate Maniacs! Hmm, no, even that doesn't work properly. Sorry.

Anyway, I received a whispered email last week from Will Hofbauer (the Will Hofbauer) at Dispersion PR, whispering in hushed tones to whisper to me that Radio Slave and DJ Hell had finally made the time to meet up in Radio Slave's bedroom and make some music together. Whisper it, but I think these two songs they've written are breathtaking and they will probably be massive summer hits this year.

Will Hofbauer said it best when he screamed this at me down the telephone during our weekly team catch-up, "from the electro-influenced INTENSITY of Radio Hell to the melody infused techno of Lost Souls, This is Radio Hell is a release worthy of its creators' reputations as TWO of the most recognisable names in dance music over the past few DECADES and beyond. With both tracks clocking in at over 11 minutes, the release is EPIC in every sense of the word and is a fitting 200th release celebration for a label that has HOSTED some of the finest names in house and techno since its INCEPTION in 2006. RADIO EMBARGO! NO LISTED RADIO PLAYS BEFORE 8TH APRIL 2022"

Will Hofbauer there, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Like I said before, you can't pre-order this yet, I don't think, and you definitely can't play it on the radio for a while! Will made that loud and clear. I had a look on Niamh Ingram's Mixmag preview, too, and there was nothing there to steal either.

This is Radio Hell by Radio Hell is out on Rekids on 8 April 2022 and it gets an absolutely ginormous 10/10 on this blog.

Keep clicking on the Rekids Bandcamp page until it appears: Rekids

Do the same on the Radio Slave Bandcamp page: Radio Slave

And DJ Hell's Bandcamp: DJ Hell

Follow Rekids on Twitter: @Rekids

Follow THE Will Hofbauer on Twitter: @WillHofbauer

Follow Niamh Ingram on Twitter: @N_iamIngram

And finally, this meme has been going around all the worldwide WhatsApp laddish banter groups. I've had it forwarded to me many times. I think it's gone viral. Pretty cool, eh?

So, next week, I'll be doing a hilarious dance music memes special! Maybe with a few dance lookalikes thrown in.

It gets me out of writing properly. LOL.

Email me here: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter: @BestPromos4Eva

The Ambient Noise Special!

I know this is a trendy, underground blog that only three or four people in the know read, and the music I push on here is so, so edgy and avant-garde, but sometimes you (I) just want to listen to a bit of Phats & Small, don't we (I), ladies and gentlemen? The trouble is, HYPE Filter keep sending me ambient noise songs to review, which is no bad thing, but it's not exactly Phats & Small, is it?

The more I listen to ambient noise, the more I want to listen to artists like Phats & Small, or Phats & Small themselves. They should send this ambient noise stuff to people like Minimal Messages impresario, Chris SSG, or the Unsung Hunger money man, Tim Wilson. People like Chris and Tim appreciate this kind of music more than people like me...or do they? Maybe trendy wendy people pretend to enjoy ambient noise to make themselves look and sound more trendy wendy, but really - deep down - they blimmin' well hhhhhhhhhhhhate ambient noise and think it's boring, and when they're on their own, they stop scratching their beards and listen to Phats & Small, and artists like Phats & Small, with a massive Cheshire Cat grin plastered across their faces, winking at themselves conspiratorially in the mirror whilst washing their hands after going to the toilet. It's a very interesting theory, and it's one which I hope to be invited to expand on in essay form for Pitchfork, Crack Magazine, maybe, or The Quietus one day this year. Get in touch, guys.

My very dear friend, Harold "Edward" Heath wrote something equally pressing, and almost related, on his Twitter website last night that also needs addressing in the dance music community:

Why is there literally no techno made with major chords? What happens if you use like A major or something, do the techno police come round & ban you from Berlin? & why does it always have to be dystopian? How about some techno with major chords, nice melodies & jolly song titles

— Harold Heath (@HaroldHeathDJ) March 7, 2022

Interesting questions, but will they be answered by the powers that be? Whilst we wait, read the text of this promo I got sent about ambient Aussie noise gurus, Tilman Robinson and KCIN (pronounced: Kissin', I hope) and tell me you don't pine for the days when Phats & Small strode the charts:

SPIRIT LEVEL PROMO

Artist: Tilman Robinson and KCIN
Title: Requiem for the Holocene
Label: Spirit Level
Cat No: SPLE023DE
Release Date: 27th April

Requiem for the Holocene is an energetic, introspective and, at times, violent debut collaborative release from two exceptional experimental musicians. The release traverses loss, ecological lamentations, and shared visions of a chaotic future imagined long before Australia’s bushfire and Covid riddled 2020-21. The music is thick with throbbing bass and distortion heavy percussive textures but also pauses for breath with its shimmering, piano-rich title track. Collectively, the release is filled with dramatic tension and release.

Edited from live studio performances across 2018 and 2019 in Sydney and Melbourne, Requiem for the Holocene is oddly prescient in its expression of grief for the deterioration of the biosphere as pandemics and unprecedented seasonal disasters continue to ravage Australia in 2022. Requiem for the Holocene is a war cry; equally at home in the catalogues of lovers of noise, industrial techno and modern composition.

Ahh, it's about the deterioration of the biosphere in Australia. Blimey, that's a bit too heavy for this blog. Sorry readers. It's depressing when you really stop and think about it, isn't it?

I know...

Ahhhhhhhhh, that's better.

I think it's a really super release, though, so it gets a super 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.

Pre-order it on here when it's available to do so: Spirit Level

Follow Spirit Level on Twitter: @SpiritLevelCo

Follow Tilman Robinson on Twitter: @TilmanR

Next!

Blimmin' hell, HYPE Filter! I've got about seven more ambient noise albums in my inbox that I've promised them I'd review, but I haven't got the energy. Sorry! In fact, I think I'm going to cancel the Ambient Noise Special aspect of this post and go back to what I know best: listening to dance music songs and writing about them in a best, good and better way than what all the other dance blogs and websites write about it - and then scoring it all and them out of ten.

I've just been sent a couple of songs by a friendly, talking Bear. One of them is called Fashion Queen feat. Justin Vivien Bond (she sounds a bit rough) and the other one is called Black Pussy’s Revenge feat. Tobell von Cartier (she sounds posh), and they're both by a band called The Royal Academy Of Fierce. They're good songs and all, and I'm pretty sure Moby played them when I went to watch him DJ at Mars in 1990.

However, I took a walk down to Eastcote Library and did some research on The Royal Academy Of Fierce because I'd never blimmin' heard of them. I was down in the candle-lit Eastcote Library vaults and crypt, I was up and down them ladders with wheels on, I was sat at an old oak table, blowing dust off of loads of really thick books, or tomes as I like to call them, and I was in the music section looking for the Elton John book before remembering that I needed more information on The Royal Academy Of Fierce. Nothing. I was crestfallen and bored, so I walked to the nearest phone box and rang the Bear.

"The Royal Academy Of Fierce, Bear. I'm pulling up tree after tree here and landing on my arse each time. I need something, anything. Who the blimmin' hell are these guys? My Ambient Noise Special post this week depends on laying out exactly who this band is and why they're making such a mess of my chicken cutlets, okurrr. Oh blimmin' hell! I've not put any money in."

...ker-ching...dring dring...dring dring...

"Hunty bear, is that you? Listen, I gots to know who these mu*haf*ckas, The Royal Academy Of Fierce, are, okurrr?"

"Yas queen, I feel you, but I can't give these bitches up just like that, hunty!"

"Oh no she didn't?! Is this flock a house or just a lazy-ass pit crew? They better done got the Meryl Streep realness, bitch."

"Founded by US icon Larry Tee and Rekids label boss Radio Slave, The Royal Academy Of Fierce is a project inspired by underground drag culture and the unmistakable sound of early nineties New York house. Featuring Broadway star Justin Vivien Bond and drag sensation Tobell von Cartier, the first release from the project channels this raucous energy across a ferocious pair of club-ready tracks."

"What are they best known for?"

"Best known for writing the smash ‘Supermodel (You Better Work)’ for RuPaul, as well as a discography that includes seminal late 80s house cuts on Funtone and Quark alongside pivotal work with Princess Superstar, Scissor Sisters, Erasure’s Andy Bell, and Peaches, Larry Tee’s rep goes way beyond his coining of the ‘electroclash’ genre in the early 2000s. A literal party starter for decades, nights like Love Machine (NY), Super Electric Party Machine (London) and KRANK (Berlin), Tee’s a genuine cultural institution."

"Thanks. And when is this EP out?"

"The Royal Academy Of Fierce ‘Fashion Queen / Black Pussy’s Revenge’ drops via Rekids on 25th March 2022."

"Can I play it on this blog or on my imaginary radio station?"

"[RADIO EMBARGO] NO LISTED RADIO PLAYS BEFORE 25TH MARCH 2022"

"Oh well. Thanks Bear and all at Dispersion PR. Stay home, stay safe, protect the NHS. Oh, Bear...! Still there? Good. I score this release a WHOPPING 10/10"

Follow Rekids on Twitter: @Rekids

I'll post a link to where you can buy it when I get a link that tells you where you can buy it.

Blimmin' heck, readers, I didn't half get bored of using drag terminology in that bit! I thought it was an amusing idea, but I stopped after a couple of sentences. As a fun game you can play with yourself: see if you can notice when.

You don't meet many Germans called Ian, do you?

Badam Music · Meda - Nuit Blanche (Ian Pooley Remix) - preview

There are probably a lot more German people called Johannes, but I can't think of any other ones. It's probably like Jack, Oliver, Albi, Harrison, Kev, Alfie or Jacob over here (the UK).

Badam Music · Meda - Rescue Me (Johannes Heil Trueschool Rework) - preview

Both of these songs are great and you'd definitely dance to them both if they came on at Secretsundaze. I don't know why, but I can just imagine these - especially the Johannes Heil one - being played at a Secretsundaze party. Call me crazy! LOL.

I've got to, I've just got to give them both a blimmin' crazy 10/10 !!!

Meda - Remixes From The Vault is out on Friday 11 March on Badam Music. I don't know who Meda is.

Pre-order it here: Meda - Remixes From The Vault

Follow Ian Pooley on Twitter: @IanPooleyOFC

Follow Johannes Heil on Twitter: @Johannes_Heil

Well, that's the end of today's Ambient Noise Special. I hope you've learned a bit more about the ambient noise scene and walked away with a little bit more wisdom and understanding of the pressures those guys in the ambient noise scene have in keeping their listeners entertained, and the pressures the ambient noise fans have in keeping up appearances.

You know, my grandmother used to say there's nothing wrong with sitting down on your floor or chair or sofa or bed, putting on some industrial drone, telling everyone on your social media channels that you're listening to it, maybe posting a moody little video to prove it, and then whacking on Now Phats What I Small Music by Phats & Small and having a really good time.

All of us cool people lie about what they really enjoy, it's all part of the lifestyle. Don't feel embarrassed, guys.

I'm going to pretend to like this one now...

Stuff it, readers. Let's have a party!!! Woo hoo!!! Yeah, baby!

Woahhhhh! Drinks are in the kitchen!!!

Email me your best promos: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

I don't know how to allow people to subscribe to this blog, so if you want it direct to your mailbox, let me know on email and I'll do a distribution list or something *thumbs up emoji*

Right, let's carry on with this party...woo yeah!!! Toilet is up the stairs, first door on the right!!!

First Ten

The nicest man in dance, Spencer Parker, might shave his head and wear Stone Island, but that doesn't mean he's going to smash you in the back with a snookerball tucked into a sock as you attempt to shelter your young son from a gang of thick, dirty, cowardly Wolves fans in 1998 after your team has stuffed the Dingles two nil. He is definitely not a Wolves fan because you can see from the promotional photograph below that he has all of his teeth, and he looks cheerful, bright-eyed and quick-witted. A Wolverhampton Wanderers fan wouldn't know what an espresso is if you sat them down and explained very slowly and very loudly what it is, with photographs, nursery illustrations and cartoon videos of Pixar-style wolves drinking one, with Mr Tumble doing Makaton in the corner of the screen. They only drink cans of Relentless and Kasztelan. They are all that thick and stupid, and if you ask me, they have no business living amongst us: vile, useless beasts...ugh. Stop it.

Sorry Wolves fans, no offence.

Speaking of Spencer Parker, I received an email from an industry bigwig the other day called Henry Mather (he sounds posh). He urged me to listen to a new song by Spencer Parker called yes bb and review it on THIS blog. To say I was chuffed would be a lie...I was actually proud as punch! I'm listening to it right now, and it's a "yes baby" from me.

yes bb is over six minutes long and has got a tired sounding woman saying, "yes baby", over and over again - but it doesn't even get boring. It's got one of those hi-hat patterns that if you just concentrate on the percussion elements of the song, makes it sound like a train chugging along the track - if you're unable to isolate the percussion in your head, you might need to shush the people around you, tilt your head to one side and look determined - maybe close your eyes, too. Failing all that: take some illegal drugs like magic mushrooms, ketamin or e.

It's also got a 1-bar pad thing that happens that sounds ominous - in a good way. If there's a bassline on yes bb, I couldn't hear it. I listened to it on a pair of Trust PC speakers that is only good for listening to LBC, but I bet the bassline is brilliant, though. I don't know what key it's in, or what the BPM is because I haven't analysed it in Serato Pro yet. Spencer, get in touch and we can discuss keys and BPMs one day over an espresso in Eastcote. Tag is a nice place.

Bizarrely, I caught up with Fred P over the telephone last night for a bit of a gossip. I asked him if he'd heard yes bb yet...

"...no way? So where is the chicken and where is the egg?! Do you know what I mean, Fred? Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, you must have heard yes bb by Spencer Parker by now...what do you think of it? Truthfully..."

"Dope."

"Thanks Fred."

So, I promised Lord Henry I'd review this track. Hmm, let me think. Yes. I'll grant yes bb by Spencer Parker a WHOPPING 10/10

yes bb by Spencer Parker is out on Work Them Records on Friday 11 March 2022

Pre-order it here: yes bb

Follow Spencer Parker on Twitter: @Spencer_Parker

Follow Work Them Records on Bandcamp: Work Them Records 

I'm always banging on about Running Back on here, but you really can't go wrong with them. I bought the new Panoram song, Wandering Frames (Luca Lozano Remix), last night on Bandcamp. Read on to find out what I thought about it.

The first bit tricked me into thinking it was going to be a boring ambient track because it was just a pad and the odd clap, but then a kick drum appeared out of nowhere and knocked me sideways into the wall of my office at Best Promos HQ (Eastcote Division). After that, a tightly clipped hi-hat appeared out of nowhere and knocked me back into my seat before a weird sounding, loopy nonsensical vocal appeared out of nowhere and knocked me backwards onto the floor of my newly polished floor. What a track, but what I really needed was to get back up again, so thank God for the bleepy, monotone sounding top-line for rocking me back to my feet and making me shuffle about the office with a proper serious face on, almost pouting and voguing, pretending I was a Japanese podium dancer. And all of that is not to mention the bassline, which I can only describe as regular and deep. Woah, what a track!

And if you think that description is enough to make you spend €1.50 on that track alone, have a listen to the Soundcloud previews and the Quiet Village remix of Seabrain.

Running Back Records · Panoram - Quiet Village / Luca Lozano Remixes (RBINC008RMX)

For some reason, I initially thought that Quiet Village remix was by Martin Denny (1911-2005), but it's not.

Why not buy Wandering Frames (Luca Lozano Remix) now and pre-order the rest of the release...now? That's what I did, and Running Back haven't even asked me to advertise any of this, I'm not on their promo list or anything. I'm doing it all off my own bat because I think they're fab.

I therefore award the Quiet Village + Luca Lozano Remixes for Panoram a more than satisfactory 10/10

The Panoram Remixes is out on Running Back on Friday 25 March 2022

Buy/pre-order it here: PANORAM

Follow Running Back on Twitter: @RunningBackRec

Follow Quiet Village (Matt Edwards and Joel Martin - I can't find Joel on Twitter): @Rekids

Follow Luca Lozano on Twitter: @LucaLozano

Buy his stuff on Bandcamp: LUCA LOZANO

I'm still reading The Secret DJ Book Two and The Secret DJ presents Tales From The Booth. To speed things up, I hold Book Two in my left hand and Tales From The Booth in my right, then I make myself go cross-eyed and read Book Two with my right eye and Tales From The Booth with my left. It's a fantastic system and it seems to work really well for me. I'm on chapter twelve on each book now and I'm loving the bits about how secretive The Secret DJ has to be in order to keep his identity a secret from the fans and other not-so-secret DJs.

There's one hair-raising section in chapter 10 on Book Two where Roger Cook almost discovers his identity by hiding in the Secret DJ's record box during a Foreign Muck set at The Key in 2004. I won't say what happens - you'll have to buy the book yourself and read it - but it goes without saying that Roger Cook doesn't know what has hit him after The Secret DJ's 22-stone bouncer finds Roger Cook in the record box, drags him out by his hair and wails him in the toilets, eventually putting him in hospital with massive internal bleeding and a sore nose. You'll have to read all about that yourself, though.

Buy The Secret DJ Book Two: Book Two

Buy The Secret DJ presents Tales From The Booth: Tales From The Booth

Follow The Secret DJ on Twitter: @SecretDJBook

And finally, it was Pancake Day here at Best Promos last night, so I treated my team to plates and plates of yummy pancakes. I had lemon and sugar on all of mine, the rest of the team enjoyed theirs with Nutella and sliced banana. We drank bucket loads of Vimto and listened to The Best of Chic followed by The Very Best of Chic. It was a real party atmosphere - you would have loved it! Hilariously, I had a go at tossing a pancake and almost dropped it on the floor. Thankfully, it stayed in the pan.

Get in touch with your funniest Pancake Day stories on the channels below...and keep them clean!

Email me YOUR best promos and pankcake stories: bestpromos4eva@gmail.com

Tweet me YOUR wacky pancake anecdotes: @BestPromos4Eva