Fiesta

I was flicking through my girlfriend's copy of Fiesta this morning and it reminded me that not only is Best Promos a clean publication, but it is also a legible and coherent one at that, if I may say so myself. Children can read/look at Best Promos. They can't read/look at Fiesta. Indeed, I'm told by my marketing team that many Year 9-11 kids are now reading Best Promos, printing it off, ripping it up and leaving the torn up pages in hedgerows for Year 7 and 8 kids to find and share.

I think the kids like Best Promos because we're a bit cheeky and irreverent. We don't try and be cool. We don't pretend that we know what we're talking about. We're a blog for the everyman dance fan.

Or woman. Women can be dance fans, too, you know.

They can!

Anyway, speaking of men in dance; Scuba has got a new green record out, and I don't mean green in the Greta Thunberg sense. Everyone knows that when it comes to saving the planet, MP3s are the way forward. God knows how much plastic Scuba has burned up and melted to make this release, but who cares? Greta Thunberg, probably, and that lot. Not me.

Scuba got his DJ name from his keen interest in scuba diving, and in this new release we see him plumbing new depths of dance music depravity. No, not depravity. Plumbing new depths of dance music...erm. Hang on. Scuba got his DJ name from his keen interest in scuba diving, and in this new release we see him plumbing new depths of. Hmm. I'm stuck. Sorry. Have a listen to it and I'll try and come up with a better way of describing it. It's green and it's called Hardcore Heaven. Look and listen:

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A post shared by Scuba (@scubaofficial)

It's good, isn't it? Scuba got his DJ name from his keen interest in scuba diving, and in this new release we see him plumbing new depths of dance music delirium. Hardcore Heaven is probably the best thing he's ever done. It's six tracks of heavenly hardcore music that will make you think you're 21-years old again, raving with your pals at a Club Kinetic M25 warehouse party if you suffer from a psychiatric disorder such as major depressive disorder, bipolar disease or schizophrenia. It's a fantastic release AND it's all for Record Store Day.

I don't fully understand what happens on Record Store Day, but I like Phonica Records, so buy it from there. I don't know if the bloke who looks like MCA out of the Beastie Boys still works at Phonica, but I bet it's still a good shop.

Hardcore Heaven by Scuba is on a limited vinyl only run so get in quick, and if you need a metaphorical gun to your head to make your mind up, I'm giving it a very special 10/10. Not 9, not 8, a 10

Buy it now: SCUBA/Hardcore Heaven (RSD 2023)
Follow Scuba on Twitter and on Instagram
Follow Phonica Records on Instagram

I've got a new dance music alias, readers. I am now going by the name of Elvis Minogue. I just need to create a Bandcamp page and come up with a genre of music to make on Ableton with it now. I'll probably do some dowdy Sandwell District-type sparse techno. Maybe I can get a gig at Berghain with it. Elvis Minogue is the type of mysterious alias that I can see being on the line-up there, especially with the artwork I've knocked up for it (see above).

For the graphic design nerds out there, I've used the MS Gothic font at size 32 and that paintbrush icon for the black and pink bits.

One dance band who don't need to think about what type of music to make on Ableton is Medicine8. Luke and Liam May have been making dance music for donkeys years, and they're not about to stop now...for anyone!

They also do the Decius thing with the bloke out of Paranoid London and an Insecure Man.

Hang on a minute, I do know about cool stuff and I do know what I'm talking about! Ignore what I said at the beginning of today's post because I actually am cool! LOL.

Medicine8 have been making r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really good dance music for decades, and they're now re-re-re-re-re-releasing some tunes they made decades ago. I reached out in my imagination to Luke and Liam for an interview, and they declined in my head, so I asked Funky_Dung on Discogs for a comment instead. He phoned me back straight away and barked this down the receiver...

"These guys make music that is absolutely, 100% CORRECT! Chunky as your mum, properly stompy danceable, and hooky and catchily fun at the same time. 'Iron Stylings' is/was my pick for album of 2002 - non-stop acid house up yer arse! Turned out 'Even The Beetles The Monkeys' was a tune I'd heard Jon Carter play in 2000 and had been trying to find for two years. Love it all!"

I couldn't have said it better myself, and I can attribute all of the same words from Funky_Dung to this new re-release. Have a listen:

You could play that one in a set with one of Scuba's new songs, couldn't you? It's a couple of two track EPs, and after listening to them both about nine times, I've come to the conclusion that they are worth a Best Promos score of 10/10! Congrats, guys.

Buy them on here: EP 1 (Big Dick In The Room/Love Of Tainted Acid) | Medicine 8
And on here: EP 2 (Put Your Scenes Together/Bone Of Her Hand) | Medicine 8

The last thing I want to plug today is Lady Passion at The Social. If you know, you know. Get down there. She's ace.

It will be a solid 10/10...TRUS' ME.

Buy tickets here: The Social Stuff
Follow Lady Passion on Instagram
Follow Toshiki Ohta on Instagram
Follow The Social on Twitter and on Instagram

I think that's all we've got time for tonight. Join us next week when we'll be microtometercandyhell.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

NO ENTRY

Cowin' ada! What a week it's been, readers. I've had so much going on in Ruislip that to to to to to to to to to to I don't know how to finish this sentence, sorry. Let's get on with the hsow, I mean, show.

Word is finally getting out that I review dance music on the Internet, and I've got a scary story to tell you about it...keep reading...please keep reading...

When my mobile telephone rang the other day and I answered it, I didn’t know who to expect. When the person on the other end of the phone muffled his or her words through a vocoded sock and told me to, “listen, right”, I was shocked and scared. When they then proceeded to tell me to plug a new song by Radio Slave, I stuttered and stammered a panicky response of, “or WHAT?!” I was met with a baleful laugh and the sound of my dad in the background, tearfully pleading with an unnamed goon to stop knee-capping his knees. I said, meekly, “Ok, mate. I get it. What’s the deal then? How do I make this stop? Who is this Radio Slave?” Three seconds of hush. “No plug, no knees for daddy”, came the cruel comeback. “Ok”, I replied, “but who is Radio Slave?”

This question made whoever it was on the other end of the phone angry because I could literally hear the steam coming out of his or her ears as they roared, “WHO IS RADIO SLAVE?! Radio Slave aka Matt Edwards is one of dance music’s undisputed heavyweights. Having made his name as a DJ in the 90s, he went on to become the king of edits, twisting pop, R&B and indie cuts into essential versions that consistently set clubs alight. Since the mid-2000s, Edwards’ originals have helped define modern dance music, tackling techno, house, breakbeat, minimal and disco whilst exploring dub, Balearic sounds and ambient across the myriad of other aliases and projects. That’s who Radio fucking Slave is, so if you don’t want your dad’s knees to end up on the end of my girlfriend’s lump hammer, you’ll make a small mention of him in this week’s Best Promos. Understood?”

After mumbling, “yes ma'am”, I slammed down the receiver on my Nokia 100 by forcefully pressing the red button and curled up into a little ball in front of everyone in The Codfather and continued to eat my chips.

Have a listen to this song and save my dad's knees:

Mr. Slave, this is a 10/10 release, so please call off your goons.

Buy the whole EP to raise awareness of Radio Slave:

Buy it here: radioslave/wild-life

Follow Radio Slave on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Will 'Lump Hammer' Hofbauer on Twitter and on Instagram

That was a scary story, wasn't it readers? I'm a bit frightened now. Let's be brave and have a listen to something else. Something pleasant, yet groovy:

Poker Flat Recordings · Steve Bug - Alto Adige

That's cheered me up, and I hope it's put the youngsters who read Best Promos at ease after that Radio Slave story.

Steve Bug has got a creepy crawly name, but a really jolly face. Look:

Actually, he looks a bit spooky in that POBLA picture, but in the other three, he looks like a right laugh. I'd love to have a drink with Steve Bug. And for that reason, more than any other, I think you should buy this new release by him. It doesn't come out until the 28 April, but you can pre-order it, and if I had a gun to my head, I'd award Alto Adige by Steve Bug a MASSIVE 10/10

Pre-order it here: Alto Adige | Steve Bug

Follow Steve Bug on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Poker Flat on Twitter and on Instagram

Speaking of Will Hofbauer, I was going to write something about his Third Place night at Spanners, but I've just seen that the event has already happened! LOL. I'd forget my head if it wasn't sewn on, I'm tellin' ya! It looked good though, and Spanners is supposed to be a sound place. I'll try and get to the next one. Look:

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A post shared by Third Place (@thirdplacerecords)

They have got some new songs coming out on the 28 April, though. Unbelievably, DJML & Jerod S. Rivera have formed a new super-group called Later Version, and Third Place are kindly releasing their debut EP, Swim Domain. Lets have a listen:

Third Place · Later Version - Swim Domain EP (incl. Doc Sleep remix) [Clips] [TPDD007] 🏊

Bit moody, that first one! "Don don don don donnnn." I like it, though. Chelating Ligand sounds like the kind of music you'd hear on an underground cave level on Super Mario Bros. 1, 2 or 3 - in a good way. "Don don don don donnnn."

Swim Domain is good, too, but my only issue with it is that there's no steady beat. I listened to it after double-dropping a couple of Garys, but I couldn't find my groove and had to put Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One on. Still, it's a fantastic track.

Effigy Tumuli is another side-scrolling type level soundtrack, but this time it's for a more sophisticated game. Maybe listen to this whilst playing The Legend of Zelda. I know it's not side-scrolling, but it still works. I think.

On the next song, Aguahoja, we find Later Version getting all mystical, man. Close your eyes, open your third eye and massage your chakras as DJML & Jerod S. Rivera play with their echo machine whilst bashing bits of wood together in that little forest area of Princess Diana's Playground.

The last track is a remix of the second track, and let me tell you, it's Grrrrrrrrrilliant! Doc Sleep's remix of Swim Domain flips the script and makes you turn off Miss Moneypenny's Glamorous One and gets you back dancing to Swim Domain because she's made it more dancey. Doc has used a rim shot instead of a kick drum on the 1234, but it's still good. Amy Winehouse did the same thing on Know You Now and that's one of her best songs.

So, in summary, yes. Swim Domain EP by Later Version is a terrific release and Third Place is a record label of great standing now. Swim Domain EP by Later Version gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from us all here at Best Promos. Well done, all.

Pre-order it here: Later Version - Swim Domain EP

Follow DJML on Instagram

Follow Jerod S. Rivera on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Doc Sleep on Instagram

Follow Third Place on Instagram

What else have I done this week? Oh! I canned the Prophet Muhammad is a DJ parody track I’ve recently completed on Ableton. I was going to showcase that on Best Promos at the end of the week, but I’ve properly bottled it. I'll just do another minimal hard house track with Gazza saying, "come on", throughout it again and send it to Man Power. Maybe he'll play it at Pikes?

Anyway, enough about me. What have YOU been up to this week? Get in touch on the means below and I'll pick out the funniest responses out of a goldfish bowl and put them up on next week's blog.

I think that's it for this week. Bye.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Milk Chocolate Easter Eggs

As we approach the Easter holidays, and the end of my Lenten booze fast, we are all in high spirits here at Best Promos HQ. So high, in fact, that we've trawled the web archive website and lifted an old WRDM Tonka post WHOLESALE (minus the swear words) and are now passing it off as a brand new Best Promos post! we have decided to take some time out and come up with some brand new - never seen before - Hilarious Lookalikes!

Yes, today's post is all about looking at DJs who look a bit like other people. LOL. It's as simple as that.

So, get your eyeballs in front of these pictures, read the descriptions and laugh until your eyeballs fall out and you need to buy replacements from the eyeball shop.

DJ Harvey and Joey 'The Lips' Fagan out of The Commitments

Have you ever seen the super cool DJ Harvey on the same film set as the bloke who plays Joey 'The Lips' Fagan off of that motion picture, The Commitments? No? Neither have I! It might be something to do with the fact that they look EXACTLY like one another and the director might shout, "Action!", at the wrong person, with hilarious consequences! ROFLOFL!

Prosumer and the bearded bloke off of ABBA

I always used to say that the super cool DJ, Prosumer, looked like P-Thugg off of Chromeo, Mike Manumission and Eavis Glastonbury, but I was wrong. He actually looks like the one with the beard out of ABBA! Have a look at the picture above and tell me that Prosumer doesn't look like the one out of ABBA with the beard. You'd be wrong, wouldn't you, because he DOES look like the bearded one off of ABBA!! ARGHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lee Burridge and DVS1

I've got a couple of cracking jokes for you now, ladies and gentlemen. I say, I say, I say...

Q. What's white, bald, friendly-looking and spins dance discs for a living?
A. DVS1!

Q. What's white, bald, friendly-looking and spins dance discs for a living?
A. Lee Burridge!

It's the way I tell 'em! PMSLOL!

How many have I done so far? Three? Flipping hell. That's not enough for a proper post. Right...

Prins Thomas and Justin Lee Collins

Have you ever seen super cool Prins Thomas and Justin Lee Collins booting the bejesus out of women in the same room? No? Neither have I, and that is definitely not to suggest that Prins Thomas knocks the opposite sex into the middle of next week, that was just another way of saying that Prins Thomas looks a bit like JLC, if you've had nine pints of lager and are squinting. HAHAHA!

I'm turning 43-years old this year.

Sigh.

Jennifer Cardini and Professor Brian Cox

This one's bad. Sorry, Jennifer. Sorry, Brian. I think the only resemblance here is their hairstyles in the two pictures I took about fifteen minutes scouring Google Images for. WIKILOLOLWACKA!

You can't say that this isn't content, though, can you? It's definitely dance music related content.

Definitely.

Speaking of Chromeo, I once met David Gest at a super cool Chromeo gig in Camden, in 2007. He was gladly having his picture taken with as many punters as he could. Apparently, Jude Law and Katie Melua were at the same gig, but I don't remember seeing them.

Me and David Gest in 2007, before he died

"Good times!", as JLC used to say.

I'm not sure if Best Promos will be on air next week, or on paper, or on the Internet; it's the Easter holidays and I don't think I'll be that bothered to sit down and churn out any more content.

In the mean time, have a listen to the new Chromeo song:

And then have a listen to this:

Anthony Teasdale · Tango De La Boca

I like Anthony Teasdale. He's got a very pleasant face and he's always going on about Birmingham on Twitter, even though I think he pinches hub caps.

Follow him on Twitter: @AnthonyTeasdale and on Instagram instagram/anthonyteasdale

I'm rambling. Forgive me. Have a brilliant Easter, everyone! Bye bye!!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

Frankie Howerd

Here’s a clever, faux-ignorant start to this week’s Best Promos that will DEFINITELY make you smirk: How about that Paul McCartney, eh? Macca banging on about not having much money in Can’t Buy Me Love is a MASSIVE two fingers up to all of the hard-up Beatles fans in the Cost of Living Credit Crunch Crisis who are still buying his records to make him even richer! LOL. That kind of hilarious comment crops up all the time on Twitter by people like me who are desperate to be noticed.

Anyway, I genuinely did think that would be a good Tweet as Can’t Buy Me Love blasted through the speakers at Best Promos HQ whilst I was busy writing this week’s Best Promos. Smooth FM is brilliant for writing about dance music to. No joke.

I’ve been in the offices of many hip and happening media hubs during my time as managing director of the W**kly Re**ew of Da**e Mu**c and I always used to walk away wondering how the bloody hell any work got done. I was delivering chocolate fingers to the Ran$om Note office one July afternoon in 2015 and they were all sat there, tapping away at their Macs with a constant BOOF DOOF BOOF DOOF coming out of a Funktion One rig next to the photocopier. It’s part of the reason I’m glad that I never got employed by a proper website or magazine; I’m a perfectionist writer. I need my Zen. I need a bit of easy listening to get my lit-groove on. Boiler Room, Mixmag, Ran$om Note, Pitchfork, Billboard and Thump can all GET STUFFED if they think I’m going to accept a fixed-term contract from ANY of them as a staff journalist. Ever. I’m staying in Eastcote to listen to Smooth FM, Jazz FM, Chill FM and the sound of the deadbeat twerps next door screaming and shouting at each other when their kids are at school.

No, sorry. That was when I lived in Northolt, my neighbours in Ruislip are nice.

I’ve done nothing else this week other than think about how I really fancy eating an Easter egg. It’s probably been about a year since I last ate one so I went down to Eastcote High Street and asked the man in Sainsbury's if he had any Easter Eggs in stock. He laughed his head off and told me turn around and open my eyes. I turned around, opened my eyes and literally LOL’d out loud. Easter eggs were absolutely everywhere! Chocolate ones, dark chocolate ones, white chocolate ones and normal chocolate ones in all sorts of flavours; Crunchie, Yorkie, Twirl, Double Decker, Buttons and Cream Egg. It was brilliant. I bought one of everything, went back to Best Promos HQ and scoffed the lot like what Chubby Funster out of Mixmag probably does every day of the year.

Does he still work there? I think he's moved on now, like we all should.

Speaking of Easter, this Friday sees Man Power (real name, Powerful Man) playing all of his records at The Social on Good Friday, this Friday, on Friday night at The Social in London on Friday.

Is it going to be good? Hell yes it's going to be good. Just have a look at the line-up:

As well as Man Power, you've got your Syd Minskys and your Matt Hums and your Heavenly Jukeboxes. It's going to be 10/10 brilliant, and if I wasn't off the pop for Lent, and if I didn't have a family thing on the Saturday I had to attend, I'd have definitely have gone to this because I want to have a pint with M.P. and talk about Viz. And Gazza songs.

The music being played by the DJs will be some, not all, of the dance music genre. Expect kick drums, claps, snares, loads of closed hi-hats, bass lines, synth pads, synth keys, those little disco tom sound effects, some vocals, and as the night goes on expect Man Power to start playing faster records that contain closed hi-hats AND hi-hats that are as open as Prince William's arsehole.

All that and it's only the price of a pint in Mayfair to get in. No excuses.

Buy tickets here: thesocial/nrg/

Follow Man Power on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Syd Minsky on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Matt Hum on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Heavenly Jukebox on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow The Social on Twitter and on Instagram

I'm a bit knackered after all that linking. Time for a cup of tea. Hang on.

Back!

When I'm not watching Alien Vs. Predator or listening to Smooth FM, I like to listen to Irish dance music, and there is no better Irish dance music than the dance music coming out of Irishman Tr One's record label, Intrinsic Rhythm, lately. I don't know if the dance music on the latest release is actually by Irish people, to be honest; they're all remixes, but it's definitely on Intrinsic Rhythm, which is definitely Irish. Not that any of this matters, it's just great music. It's called Remixes Of. Have a listen to this one off of it:

Makes me feel ready for the summer, that one. Lovely stuff.

That track is one of a five track release of remixes on the most Irish label in the world. I phoned Tr One up and asked him to very briefly summarise every track on it. Here's the transcript of our conversation:

Some people have said before that I look like Rodney Trotter, but I prefer it when they say I look like Damon Albarn.

* * bring bring - bring bring - click * *

Hello, Tr One?

Yes, to be sure.

Hi, it's Kevin here at Best Promos, how are you?

Catch yourself on, now, are we going to do this thing or what?

Ok, Tr One, can you very briefly summarise every track on your new release, Remixes Of, please?

An Italo/electro tinged remix of The Swim Meet by Italian Irish man Lerosa.

A ten minute deep acid tinged journey of I'm Dreaming Again by Detroit house luminary Scott Ferguson.

A brilliant melodic driven electro crossover of Stay Offline by Irish electronic pioneers Dechord.

A Chicago influenced deep house remix of Pitchshift by Westcoast Goddess.

A brilliant instrument led downtempo remix of Minimal Nelson by Toby Kaar.

Great. Thanks Tr One, bye.

Bye, so it is.

* * beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep * *

Was that racist? I don't think so. No. It was alright, I think. I'll leave it all in. Should be fine. It was affectionate more than anything else, and I was doing Jim McDonald in my head. Is that even worse? Hmm.

Anyway, Remixes Of gets a TIPPERARY TOP OF THE MORNING 10/10 from everyone here at Best Promos.

Buy it here: Remixes Of

Follow Tr One on Twitter and on Instagram

And finally, I asked ChatGPT to tell me a joke about dance music, but the results were so poor that I can't be bothered to even screen shot it for this.

Have a lovely Easter, everyone, I'll be back on the demon drink on Easter Sunday and back on here next week with a MASSIVE hangover. I can't wait!

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/

This is ace. Buy it here: Fire (We Are The Horsemen Remix) | AlinaHipHarp

APHEX TWIN LOGO PROJECTED ONTO EASTCOTE TUBE STATION

Coronation booking confirmed?!

A projection of Aphex Twin's logo has been beamed onto Eastcote tube station, sparking rumours that the seminal producer will be performing at the upcoming re-opening of the old Jamaican Lounge in Ruislip Manor, renamed the Real Love Lounge.

Appearing in a green light upon the exterior of the Royal Family's favourite tube station, the logo was visible over the upper Eastern wing of the station for just 10 minutes — but was captured by a number of IDM-loving passers-by.

No, none of this is making sense. Sorry. It was a nice idea, but I can't make the joke work properly. Sorry. It was a CRAP April Fool's joke to begin with, but I've made it worse now! LOL

Twitter user @posthuman was one of the first to capture the craziness of the joke, tweeting an image of the Mixmag APRIL Fool's Day timestamp failure hell:

What does this mean???????

It means fair play to them for doing an April Fool's Day joke and a WHOPPING 0/10 for everyone here at Best Promos for this RUBBISH attempt at a parody of a parody of a parody of a parody of a parody of a parody of a...parody.

I'll be back next year with a really funny article about the new humongous goalkeeper gloves by Adidas.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva

Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/