The ULTIMATE Guide to Eastern Sounding Dance Music

An offer of employment for anyone here at Best Promos is a Walford-like cause for celebration, and I’m still wriggling with delight at the idea of writing for a grown-up website, even if this bit is hidden behind a 16-foot-tall mystery “pay wall”. How many people will read about my love of eastern sounding dance music? Will anyone care if I prefer eastern sounding dance music to normal dance music? Who am I? Will I turn anyone onto eastern sounding dance music by writing this? I suppose if I can get just one Quietus reader into eastern sounding dance music, then I can move on with my life knowing that I’m now not the only person in the world who likes eastern sounding dance music.

Today's 'EXCLUSIVE only to Best Promos' post is all about eastern sounding dance music. Do you know what I mean? Eastern sounding dance music, or ESDM as the American candy kids are now calling it, is dance music with a melody that sounds a bit eastern, like something out of Aladdin or Prince of Persia.

Do you know what I mean? My kids don't.

When I sat my children down last week and gently opened up about my love for eastern sounding dance music, they said, "What? Do you mean The Egyptian Dance from the opera, Samson and Delilah?" After I'd calmed down and put my belt back around my waist, I said, "kind of, girls, but with a dance beat behind it."

Liking eastern sounding dance music is difficult to explain; there are so many genres of electronic music that have eastern sounding sections and phrases in them, which is why I always wear my Disco Halal t-shirt now. When dance fans stop me in Ruislip and ask me what kind of music I like, I just lift my shirt, I mean, jumper and point at the t-shirt underneath. Say no more.

I want to spread the joy, so I am today listing five eastern sounding dance music tracks that will set you off on your journey of eastern sounding dance music discovery, and I’m going to love every minute of it because listing eastern sounding dance music tracks for The Quietus on Best Promos is like making love to a beautiful woman: you start off slow and speaking Turkish, and by the end of the list you’re urgently, and extremely seriously, going at it like the clappers at around 140bpm.

Will you ever see that beautiful woman again? I reckon that after reading this, you’ll be eyeing up engagement rings in the Argos catalogue before the end of January.

Modern Folk Üçlüsü featuring Aysegul Aldinc - Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit)

At only 104 beats per minute (and with loads of Turkish vocals on it) Dönme Dolap (Barış K Edit) by Modern Folk Üçlüsü is the perfect track to open this list with. Modern Folk Üçlüsü are an old-fashioned, boring looking band from donkeys years ago who made mostly rubbish music in Turkey (I don’t know who Aysegul Aldinc is).

Nobody had ever heard of them until the corking Barış K edit of their jaunty Dönme Dolap song was included in the Barış K-compiled Istanbul 70 compilation in 2011, and now EVERYBODY has heard of them! It’s a great warm up track for a trendy disco and if you don’t like it, you must have something missing.

You’re a dingbat.

The Maghreban - Revenge (feat. Rutendo Machiridza)

Let’s get cooking. I’m leading you into the bazaar now. Can you taste the eastern flava? The Maghreban, 45, is a very dear social media friend of mine, but I’m only friendly with him because he has an eastern sounding DJ name with an eastern looking logo.



Disappointingly, though, he doesn’t make loads of eastern sounding dance music, and I’ve just spent about half an hour going through his Bandcamp page trying to find something I can crowbar into this article. Revenge is the best I could come up with. It’s Grrrrrilliant and it sounds a bit eastern. Mmm.

Magic Mainline Orchestra – Xumba Xumba (Eden Burns Remix)

The original Xumba Xumba by Spanish dance experts, Magic Mainline Orchestra, is one of the most uplifting and fun pieces of music to have ever come out of Europe in 2021, so I feel a bit bad for choosing the Eden Burns remix. I’ve chosen it for two good reasons, though: 1) it’s a couple of minutes longer than the original, and 2) it’s got a church organ in it.

I go to church every Sunday morning (big up to Father Michael at St. Paul’s in Ruislip Manor), and whenever Jean cranks up the organ, my feet begin to tap and I’m transported, in my head, to a far away land where manic munchkins chant “Xumba Xumba” over and over again on top of a funky beat and an even funkier eastern sounding top line that nobody in the congregation except for me and the Sunday School children would realistically appreciate.

Niv Ast - Tutto Bene (feat. Ruty Klein)

Is this cheesy or is this brilliant? This is the new one on Disco Halal, so if it’s not brilliant…I’ll eat my t-shirt.

 

I’ve just had a re-listen and it is brilliant. I’ve opened all the windows at Best Promos HQ, taken my jumper off and turned the volume up to full whack. Everyone in my street is dancing and singing along to the lyrics in their living rooms: I can see them through the net curtains with my binoculars. It’s bin day today in Eastcote and all the bin men and bin women are skipping, high fiving each other and laughing as they empty my food waste into their enormous, four-wheeled mega bins. Postman Pat has just delivered this week’s copy of The Quietus and given me a thumbs up and an OK sign whilst nodding his head and whistling along to Tutto Bene. There goes Noel in his massive Audi Q4 e-tron with a face like thunder. I absolutely love living in Ruislip.

DJ Zigi - Dancing On A Ceiling (Tony De Vit X-Tended Mix)

Okey doke. We’re at the end, but as I said earlier, we’re not finishing on a floppy downer, we’re climaxing with a hydraulic jackhammer that will leave everyone involved feeling satisfied, stretched, used, drained, and with a deeper understanding of eastern sounding dance music. 

This track, for me, has everything; it’s hard, it’s fast, it’s eastern sounding and I first heard it on the Tony De Vit Elements CD when I was a teenager, so it’s very evocative. Academically speaking, Dancing On A Ceiling by DJ Zigi is a no-nonsense 90s hard house composition that TDV has cleverly reshaped and distilled for the drugged-up thickos in Birmingham to get them gurning even more, and that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day.

It’s also got the most OTT, comically sounding eastern melody out of all of the tracks on this list, so it gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from me.

I think that’s me done now. I’ve had quite enough of listening to eastern sounding dance music for today, thank you very much…

…I’m off to listen to some eastern sounding rock ‘n’ roll now! LOL

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com

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No Matching Suggestions

When I first heard that a shed was remixing a Sven Von Thülen track, I said, "hang on a minute, how the cowin' hell is a shed going to know its way around a bleedin' DAW! It couldn't even keep vertical in the middle of Storm Dudley!"

(My ego had taken over. I naturally assumed it was MY shed that was remixing Sven Von Thülen. I'm such a big head.)

I hollered at the team in a deep American accent, which caught their attention, "since when is my muthaflippin' shed being allowed to do remixes?!"

Pottsy being Pottsy, he took his trousers down, which made everyone laugh, and then excitedly screeched that it was Shed, not a shed, who was doing the remix! I felt like a right dingbat.

To be honest, though, Body Music (Shed Remix) by Sven Von Thülen does actually sound like it's been remixed by my shed! It's a right bloody racket. It's distorted beat after distorted bleep for about five minutes. There's no melody whatsoever and because I had it on full whack when I listened to it on the Best Promos office Funktion-One rig behind my desk, it's given me a headache. The original has at least got a bit of top line in it, but even that is just looped over and over and over again, like a circle.

Do I like this release?

Hell no...

...I love it! LOL

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen - the original and the Shed remix - is just the type of music you want to dance to in a nightclub. When you're buzzing your boobs off in a warehouse on pingers and poppers, the last thing you want to hear is Kings of Tomorrow or Don't Call Me Baby, you want the type of stuff that is going to make you bow your head, purse your lips, frown, close your eyes and stomp aggressively on the spot like a drugged up 2-year old girl as stranger massages the crown of your head.

Do you know what I mean?

So, with all that said, I can only award this release a STOMPIN' 10/10. Well done, guys.

Body Music by Sven Von Thülen (and Shed Remix) is out on FRIDAY 10 NOVEMBER on Work Them Records

Pre-order it here: Body Music

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Oooh. I've just heard an email notification alert on my computer. A ping. I'm waiting for an email back from The Quietus, you see. I applied to be their senior dance music correspondent executive last week. I sent my cover letter and CV off, so this is probably from them to say that they'd be delighted to have me on board! I know they're a bunch of clever clogs, but I can hold my own; I left school at 16 with a big, shiny C in my English GCSEs.

Right. I'll be back in a minute, readers. Probably with some good news! I'll need a glass of champers, no doubt! Tee hee!

Oh. It was an email from the Republic of Ireland :-(

:-)

The shadowy CEO of Apartment Records has written to me to keep me in the loop about a new release on their label by a Glaswegian, I mean, Galwegian, called Belacqua. The release is called Dropped Balls, so I was obviously intrigued. Not enough male producers tackle (pardon the pun) the issue of puberty and scrotal plunge, so a big up to Belacqua for having the balls (pardon the pun) to get to grips (pardon the pun) with it (pardon the pun) in such an open and honest way.

And what a way! Dropped Balls kicks off with a low tempo BANGER called Gunnish which sounds a bit like the intro to As Heard on Radio Soulwax Pt. 2, the version of Jack The Ripper by Screamin' Lord Sutch that The White Stripes used to do and that Peter Gunn song.

Maybe that's why he called it Gunnish? Hmm. Anyway, it sounds fab with a couple of red wowies and seven lines of Charlie chalk inside you. Trus' me.

So, we've established that it's a great piece of music, sure, but I'm not sure what it's got to do with the process of physical changes through which a child's body matures into an adult body capable of sexual reproduction. Belacqua - get in touch so we can discuss.

The rest of Dropping Balls is brilliant, but I won't go into too much detail. I suggest you BUY them all on the Apartment Records Bandcamp page and make your own mind up. It's all a bit mad and DIY, though, in a good way. There's also a nice remix of Gunnish by Marshall Applewhite which sounds like he's just added the original to Ableton, changed the Transient Loop Mode to Loop Forward and reduced the Transient Envelope number to about 50.

If I had a gun to my head (don't worry, readers, I haven't! LOL), I'd give Dropped Balls a well hung 10/10

Buy it NOW: Belacqua - Dropped Balls

Follow Belacqua on Instagram

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For DJ @ewanmcvicar_ Ayr will always be home.

See more in #TUNE on @BBCiPlayer 👉 https://t.co/HfCl3k6bbY pic.twitter.com/9SS640e956

— BBC Scotland (@BBCScotland) June 13, 2023

Speaking of non-English dance music people, I watched a nice video this morning whilst I was sat on the bog. It was a new clip on the BBC Scotland Twitter that appeared in my feed of Scottish Ewan McVicar talking about putting on a festival in Scotland, rather than playing in Mia...

...hang on a minute, this video is from June! Twitter is properly crap nowadays, isn't it? LOL

So, actually, this is interesting. We're covering English, Irish and Scottish DJs today on Best Promos which begs the obvious question:

Why aren't there any Welsh DJs?

I might elaborate on this question next week because I just can't be bothered to (elaborate) at the moment. It's definitely food for thought, though. Where are they all?

Speaking of Ewan McVicar, his Geordie pal, Man Power, is playing loads of his records with Erol Alkan on Friday in North Shields, with Tony Y Not in New York on the Saturday and with Club Tularosa the following Friday in Los Angeles. He did a post about it on Instagram and I promised to beef up the ticket sales by promoting it all on Best Promos.

This Friday night, I'm taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip, on the Saturday the wife is babysitting for the in-laws, so I'll be staying in with the kids in Ruislip, and the following Friday night I'll be taking my eldest to Scouts in Ruislip.

Now who's the winner?

Come on.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Man Power / Me Me Me (@manpowermusic)

And finally, our donk remix of that Beatles song is doing better than ever. Almost 100 views in just 4 days is what I call going viral, and unless I'm proved otherwise, it's the ONLY donk remix of any Beatles song ever, so that's something, isn't it?

Have a listen:

It's good, isn't it? If I'm not called up by Madonna to do her next album, I'll be very cowin' surprised.

I was going to do a bit about laughing gas being banned, and that the youth of today will now just start tickling each other in alleyways and street corners instead, but it was r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really crap, so I scrapped it.

Until the next time.

Yours sincerely,

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
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^ someone needs to do a decent edit of this one ^

Fun Time Friday: Volume 69

Earlier this year I got chummy with a chap in The Beatles (Ringo Starr) and he very kindly hosted the very first Radio Ruislip radio show, which is still the highest rated radio show in Ruislip. We met in a nearby Screwfix, he complimented me on my new trainers and I told him that he was brilliant in Thomas The Tank Engine. We hit it off like a couple of massive lump hammers.

Now, if you've not been living under a rock for the last 24 hours (I love that phrase! LOL) you'll have seen that The Beatles have released a new song called Now And Then. It's a bit boring, and everyone is pretending that they think it's the best thing they've ever heard, and Ringo anticipated this response and sent me the stems of Now And Then ages ago. He emailed them to me in July with a simple message: "Make us a banger, lads. Peace and love. Peace and love."

And thus, and then and there and that is how Best Promos became to be to be the official remixer of The Beatles. Not Erol Alkan, not Four Tet ("4 Tits", I call him) and not Armand Van Helden. Me. Best Promos. Remixing The Beatles.

If John and George were alive today, they'd be so proud of me.

Have a listen and tell me it's not better than the boring original:

It's good, isn't it? I also need to send a big up to Gazza for providing additional vocals and vibes. Cheers Paul. Come on.

Anyway, Best Promos is not all about me, it's about promos. The best ones. Let's have a listen to some.

Last month, DJ Scuba sent me a red record and some stickers and I promised to listen to it and then feature it on Best Promos. And that is what I'm doing now.

Hardcore Heaven II is the follow up to Hardcore Heaven I, also by Scuba, and it's absolutely brilliant.

Have a listen to the clips on Soundcloud:

Scuba · Hardcore Heaven II (previews)

It's good, isn't it? It's good, and I'm actually rubbing your faces in it because you can't actually buy this in the shops or download it anywhere. It's a vinyl only release and it's all sold out, so get stuffed!

My favourite track is Tru Love because of the high-pitched vocals, but again, you can't get hold of this release anywhere, so me going on about it is only going to make you more angry and resentful of Best Promos for owning this record when you never, ever will.

Ever.

Hardcore Heaven II is everything The Prodigy was trying to be in the early 90s and so much more. It gets a WHOPPING 10/10 from the team here at Best Promos.

You can't buy it here: Hardcore Heaven II | Scuba (bandcamp.com)
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BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

50% off everything today only at Hotflush Bandcamp
Use code nov50 for digital items!

BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS

Who else do I like? Hmm.

Dispersion PR. They're usually sound people...
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...
...
...Woah! Say whaaaaa?! Radio Slave has remixed Mouth to Mouth by Audion?? You're joking?!

I’ll always remember the first time I heard Mouth To Mouth. It was September 2006, and I was partying with friends in Berghain at a Cadenza party. Luciano was playing upstairs in the Panorama Bar to a packed dance floor, and I had one of those “what the cowing hell is this” moments when he dropped Mouth to Mouth. It just sounded so unique and absolutely destroyed the dance floor, and I left the club thinking I need this record.

To me, Mouth to Mouth always sounded like a disco record. It’s like Matthew took Funky Town to Detroit, and I think Radio Slave has created a version that has that vibe; modern and with a rich analogue sound. The entire track sounds to me like it was recorded using hardware. I think Radio Slave has added vocals, and I bet it's going to be great fun road-testing this at the club where I first heard Mouth to Mouth 17 years ago. In 2006. In Berghain.

Hang on a minute, after writing that, I had a look at the PR notes and Radio Slave shares almost 100% of my own sentiments on the record! Great minds!

Radio Slave Vs Audion - Mouth to Mouth is so good that I'm going to give it a score of 10/10. Unbelievable record, guys!

Buy it here: Radio Slave Vs Audion - Mouth to Mouth

Follow Radio Slave on Twitter and on Instagram

Follow Audion/Matthew Dear on Twitter and on Instagram

Oh. One more thing. Somehow, a live recording of one of our infamous No Requests parties in an unused Ruislip warehouse was leaked onto the Internet last week. I'm not happy that this was recorded and shared because we operate a strict no Dictaphone policy on the door. Someone has obviously snuck one in up their arse because my bouncers are very thorough when it comes to patting down.

Best Promos · Best Promos: LIVE in Ruislip

This was a really bad post, but I've not done anything for a month, so the first one back is always going to be a bit rubbish. I'll be back next week with MORE and MORE and MORE reviews.

Definitely.

Email me: BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /bestpromos4eva/