Poetry Competition 2014

It's not often we do hilarious humour on Best Promos. It's always just dance, dance, dance...and more dance! And repeat and sleep or something, so I thought that with all the cost of living crisis, credit crunch, rave needle bastards, rail strikes, Covid-19, Monkeypox and the south western bad bouncers epidemic that's been sweeping clubland recently, I'd open up today's post with a light-hearted look at John Virgo passing off some light-hearted impressions of his contemporaries in 1984 to cheer us all up. It's on YouTube. Have a look and ease yourself into this post like you're gently sliding into a big, funny bubble bath of word lather and sentence suds.

I've just had a really funny idea, actually. For every dance review I do today, I'm going to use MS Paint to stick a giant pair of comedy glasses on the artist's face! LOL. If it works for John Virgo's Dennis Taylor take-off, it can't fail for Best Promos. Let's get reviewing...

Madonna's face after a bit more plastic surgery! LOL

Whoever is in charge of DJ Daniel Avery's public relations department must be a right MISERABLE GET because they're always making him pose for photos with a right moody face on (have a look on Google Images). He either looks cheesed off, knackered or like he's thinking about something serious. Honestly, I think he needs to smile more because his music is really good. I'm not going to quote the Alan Partridge / Nirvana thing, but that's kind of where my mind is at the moment.

He (Daniel Avery) has got a new song out at the moment called Chaos Energy. It's on Phantasy, it's only three pounds and you get a B-side called Bliss, which is the first ever shoegaze rave record ever. What's not to love?

In Sonic the Hedgehog terms, chaos energy is an extremely powerful and dangerous form of energy. It exists in minute quantities within just about everything on Mobius, but the most concentrated source of this power is the Chaos Emeralds. I don't know what any of that really means, but I do know that the song Daniel Avery has just released doesn't sound anything like any of the music on any of the Sonic games, so I don't know why he's called it Chaos Energy. Daniel, get in touch, lets touch base and you can let our readers know what was going on in that brain of yours when you came up with that name.

After listening to Chaos Energy a few times, I think he should have called it Ethereal Beat Manipulation (Dark Side of My Soul). It's a very dark and moody song that has some ethereal sounds and loads of beats on it. It made me feel quite contemplative. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror around the 3:30 mark when he cuts the ethereal stuff and drops the bass. I looked exactly like Daniel does in this picture, but with a short, back and sides and a retro West Bromwich Albion top on:

And that was my favourite bit on the song! Maybe that's what his music does to people; it seriousesses them up, and it's why he always looks so stony-faced himself.

Hey, readers, I know what will give Daniel Avery a belly laugh...

DJ Daniel Avery sporting a gigantic pair of "Harry Potter" glasses! LOL

It says on Bandcamp that Manni Dee added some production to this record. I once had a lovely time at House of God with Manni Dee in the olden days, so if he's involved with Chaos Energy, it's alright by me. I was going to score it highly anyway, but because of Manni Dee, and of how seriously I can see that Daniel Avery has taken it, I'm going to give it a very serious 10/10

Chaos Energy / Bliss is out now on Phantasy.

Buy it here. Seriously: Chaos Energy
Follow Daniel Avery on Twitter. Seriously: @danielmarkavery
Follow Phantasy on Twitter: @phantasysound
Follow Manni Dee on Instagram: /mannideeuk/

I can't stop laughing at that picture with the Harry Potter specs! LOL. I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of this post, to be honehahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Nice artwork, hilarious glasses! LOL

Up next is some music from the poshest person in PR, Genevieve Taylor-Fotheringay-Phipps. These tracks were hand delivered to me by her 6' 7" tall butler last week. I think it had the name, 'Cavendish', embroidered onto his bowler hat in a fancy Italics font. He stepped out of a burgundy Rolls-Royce Wraith with blacked out windows, a personalised licence plate (P05H 1) and pepperpot alloys.

He stepped out in a very deliberate manner, like a crane fly avoiding a patch of mosquito poo on the pavement, and issued the MP3 files to me on a little velvet cushion with tiny tassels on it. After handing them over, the words, "m'lud", stumbled slowly out of his mouth hole and he slowly made his way back to the car and out of my life.

Jordan Nocturne is BACK with a pair of LOVELY songs for the GREAT Permanent Vacation label. The Day 2 EP is brilliant and I have very much enjoyed listening to the two songs on it: Day 2 feat. Le Boom and Balearia are welcome additions to the dance music library of songs that can get played in clubs, pubs, bars, warehouses or in homes, like mine in Eastcote. They are both guaranteed to make you dance in different ways to all the other house music songs out there and you won't regret sticking your hands in your pockets and paying for them. It is important we support artists and independent record labels. #RSD22 #VinylLife #BandcampTuesday (Genevieve - please can you send me the link for the free downloads for these, so that I can play them in my back extension when I'm doing my imaginary Ruislip club night, No Requests?).

Day 2 is the type of track you'd have heard Ewan Pearson or Tiga play at The End in 2006 - which is no bad thing at all. I love the off-beat bass and weird choppy vocals about people being on top of him or something, it's fab. Balearia is a bit slower, so you're more likely to hear it played on the Poolside Infinity Mixtapes on NTS or at one of Mark's parties at Pikes in Ibiza. Mark - get in touch, lets touch base and I can come and play it at one of your parties at Pikes one day.

Thinking about it, this EP is so good that I'm going to give it a 10/10 !!!

Day 2 by Jordan Nocturne feat. Le Boom is out now on Permanent Vacation.

Buy it here: Day 2 | Jordan Nocturne feat. Le Boom
Follow Jordan Nocturne on Instagram: /jordannocturne/
Follow Le Boom on Twitter: @weareleboom
Follow Permanent Vacation on Instagram: /permanentvacationrecords/

Fatboy Slim in a pair of funny "Dame Edna" glasses!! LOL

The other track that Genevieve Taylor-Fotheringay-Phipps sent to me with her butler was a new remix of an old Fatboy Slim song: Ya Mama (Dance System's Back 2 Boutique Mix). It's funny because I was watching a programme on BBC the other night about Glastonbury and Fatboy Slim was one of the talking heads on it! It's funny when things like that happen, isn't it, readers?

Yo Mama, I mean, Ya Mama was a great dance song in the early 00s, and this new remix is a great dance song in the 20s. It's as simple as that. Dance System's remix still features a man saying "push the tempo" over and over again, but with a house beat instead of a big beat. The best bit is on 1:43 when the low bell-type bass thing comes through to the top of the mix properly (sorry, readers: a bit of producer nerd talk there).

Ya Mama (Dance System's Back 2 Boutique Mix), when Genevieve sends me the download link, will definitely be played to death on my little Pioneer DJ controller in the back extension as our black and white cat eats his crunchy food and tortures a sparrow. Let me ask him what he'd give this track out of ten. "Meow m m meowwww". That means ten out of ten (10/10) in cat language.

Ya Mama (Dance System's Back 2 Boutique Mix) is out now on Skint.

Buy or stream it here: YaMamaRemixPR
Follow Fatboy Slim on Twitter: @FatboySlim
Follow Dance System on Twitter: @DanceSystem

And finally, I'll be signing copies of Best Promos at The Robin in Bilston on Thursday night. I'm going with my sister to see Guns 2 Roses, the best Guns n Roses tribute act in England. Tickets are only £13, so why not join me for some rock n roll mayhem with the Guns n Roses tribute act, Guns 2 Roses, at The Robin in Bilston on Thursday night for only thirteen English pounds in Bilston in the West Midlands. Join me.

I'll be reviewing the gig on next week's Best Promos, so that's something to keep you all coming back, isn't it?

Buy tickets here: Guns 2 Roses
Follow Guns 2 Roses on Twitter: @Guns2RosesUk

I think I'm done now. Some really good music for you all to be listening to. Don't forget to recommend Best Promos to all of your friends and family and share us on your social media channels. Despite a very high level of content, music, memes, jokes, grammar and spellings, the numbers and stats on this site are very poor, so we really do need your help to push Best Promos into the mainstream. I'm sick of it being underground. I'm not saying I want to be as well known as Resident Advisor or as trendy as Faith/Pogo, etc., but I don't want to be another Thump, Ransom Note or Meoko. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, keep me in mind when you're sharing things online and know that it would make me a very happy boy if you made this website famous. I'm only twelve years old and this blog is my hobby. I'm an only child who's family all left me abandoned in a disused railway station when I was ten, and the only thing I could listen to was the strains of a nearby plague rave. This harrowing experience was oddly inspiring and it made me want to write about the scene and listen to (and review) as much dance music as I can before it's all too late. I'm sorry, I've shared too much. I must get back to caring for my four-legged cat in the 3-bed semi-detached house I now rattle around in. In Eastcote. Ruislip. We're low on full fat milk.

Email me on : BestPromos4Eva@gmail.com
Tweet me: @BestPromos4Eva
Instagram me: /BestPromos4Eva/

"Say goodnight, BP."

Goodnight, BP.

Daniel Avery should pose like this more. And no, these ones are NOT comedy glasses! LOL