It's Rambo. It's Rocky. It's the bloke out of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. It's Sylvester Stallone. My favourite film star by a mile. Sly made his way to Eastcote from Los Angeles last Tuesday and we had the show "in the can" by Wednesday lunchtime - he's a true professional and a great bloke.
Here's the SoundCloud link for Radio Ruislip: Episode 2:
1. Tom Jones and Mousse T. - Sex Bomb [Gut - V2] 2. Amor Fati - JAILBIRD (RED AXES EDIT) [Unreleased] 3. Lil Nas X feat. Billy Ray Cyrus - Old Town Road [Columbia] 4. Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl [London Recordings]
< ADVERTS >
5. Roman Flügel - Whatever That Is [Running Back] CLICK THIS TO BUY IT 6. Pharrell Williams - Happy [Columbia] 7. Julio Bashmore & T. Williams - ZP Dub [Local Action] CLICK THIS TO BUY IT 8. Wet Wet Wet - Love Is All Around [London Recordings]
< ADVERTS >
9. Man Power - Pick A Number Choose A Colour [Sound As Records] CLICK THIS TO BUY IT 10. Megan Leo - Golden Eclipse [Me Me Me] CLICK THIS TO BUY IT 11. Guns N Roses - Sweet Child o' Mine [Geffen] 12. Matt Redman - 10,000 Reasons [sixsteps]
Here's the Mixcloud link:
What a show. He said that he's not much of a DJ after train-wrecking that Megan Leo transition, but I thought he was wonderful. A great bloke.
If you like the show, please help us out by sharing it with all your friends and neighbours. Ta x
I'm not sure who's hosting next week's show. I need to put some feelers out...
I know what the world needs: another Internet-based radio show or podcast with a diverse range of trendy musical genres, but rooted firmly on the dancefloor, presented by an earnest (usually bored) host linking the tunes together...
...NOT!
I was struck with the idea of doing a radio show because writing this blog is bloody BORING, and I needed a new creative outlet. With a stroke of luck, I bumped into Ringo Starr in a chat room, and after a dirty back and forth, he agreed to host the first ever Best Promos radio show: Radio Ruislip. I was thrilled. My only criticism of him is that - like anybody who's lived abroad for so long - he's forgotten how to pronounce, "Ruislip", but that's ok - he's an absolute totes ledge, and his enthusiasm for the tunes is infectious.
So, budge up NTS, the RA podcast, Soho Radio, Craig Charles, errr, and all the other ones, and make some room for Best Promos and Radio Ruislip...we've got our pyjamas on!
Sylvester Stallone will be hosting next week.
Here's the SoundCloud link for Radio Ruislip: Episode 1:
1. Kevin feat. Ringo Starr on drums - Best Promos Theme 2. Ice Cube - A Gangster's Fairytale 3. Mike & Rich - Winner Takes All 4. The Maghreban - All Of UUU 5. Fun Boy Three - Our Lips Are Sealed
< ADVERTS >
6. Radio Slave feat. Cagedbaby - Amnesia (Instrumental Mix) 7. Dave Brubeck - Camptown Races 8. Taggy Matcher - Big Fun 9. Raul Orellana - The Real Wild House (Only Fans House Party Edit)
< ADVERTS >
10. The Gun Club - Preaching The Blues 11. Sweatson Klank feat. Girls On The Internet - Not Alone 12. Beastie Boys - Sure Shot (European B-Boy Mix) 13. Beastie Boys - Sure Shot 14. Dave Aju & The Invisible Art Trio - Next 2 You 15. Untidy Dubs - To The Beat 16. Caroline Marie Noel - At The Name Of Jesus
Here's an advert:
Here's the Mixcloud link:
Thanks for listening. Please, if you have a heart, please, please, please share Radio Ruislip on your social media things because I know it's good, you know it's good, but The World Won't Listen.
Until next time. Enjoy your week :-) xxx
If you want Sylvester Stallone to talk all over YOUR promos or tunes next week, get in touch...
Hi readers! This week's campaign is to bring back hanging. All of us here at http://pornishment.net.org.blogspot.co.uk feel that it is time, as a nation, to have a frank and open discussion about the benefits this traditional, age-old deterrent would have on our once glorious, crime-free utopia. Never mind the holiday camps we're offering crimina...oh. Sorry. Wrong blog! This is Best Promos, the dance music one. Sorry, readers! What am I doing?
Yes.
Pulp at Finsbury Park. I went to see them on Saturday night. No, that was ages ago. Sorry. Where am I?
Right.
It is Monday 7 August 2023. I am sat at my massive Best Promos mahogany writing desk. I am listening to a Wrestling With Wregret review. I am thinking about dance music. I am writing about dance music.
I am at one with myself. Let's all chant together:
"I am one with the Goddess, And to her I will return, Like a drop of rain, drop of rain, Flowing to the ocean."
Ahh, that's better. I learned that song from Sada in Big Brother 1 (2000). She was only in it for a week before getting evicted, but her one-off new-age chant quickly became a meme in our household before memes were a thing. Growing up in Walsall, on the Yew Tree Estate, anyone practising self-help and wellness were, quite rightly, mocked and laughed at. Although I am now firmly rooted in leafy, well-to-do - and posh - Ruislip, I still have that working class mentality: LAUGH at anyone who takes themselves seriously and MOCK people who are vegetarian and care about the ozone layer.
LOL!
I wonder if Paul 'Special Request' Woolford cares about the ozone layer? I wonder if he's a vegetarian? I Googled it, but nothing much came back, so I asked Chat-GPT, who was useless, and all:
Paul, if you're reading this, please get in touch to let our readers know if you're one of them vegetarians or not.
Speaking of Paul Woolford, did you know that he released a single last month on Peggy Gou's record label, Gudu Records? It's called Sliver and it's got Novelist singing on it! Is it any good? Let's have a listen...
What a bloody racket! I like it, though, do you? It's good, isn't it?
"I'm a target hitter, I'm a go-getter, Life is better in a mirror, Don't talk to me about the litter"
The lyrics aren't as good as the Goddess chant by Sada off of Big Brother 1, but I still found them inspiring, and they've made me re-think my small-minded, plebeian position on the environment and green house gases. After listening to Sliver, I had a walk to Bessingby Park in Eastcote with a bin bag and a litter picker. It's the kind of song Blue Peter should play to get "the yoof" out earning their Environment Blue Peter badge.
The music that Special 'Paul Woolford' Request has produced here is nothing short of breath-taking. It's simply breath-taking, and the bit he does where he slows it down before making it really fast before making it back to normal speed again is masterful. You can tell that he's been practising on the decks, and on Ableton, for many, many years, and now all of that practise is paying off...big time. I've heard that he's a great bloke, too, and in my book that counts for a lot.
I'm going to award Sliver a WHOPPING 10/10, no hesitation. It's a corker.
Do you want wardrobe essentials that work hard for YOU and don't compromise on style? Read on.
If you love industrial dance music T-shirts, you'll like this new one by Perc Trax. It's called Greed Dance, and I'm currently saving up so I can buy one for myself. It's a black T-shirt with a big pound coin on the back that someone has taken a bite out of, and it's got the words, 'PERC TRAX' in gigantic white letters. There's some small print underneath the pound coin that I can read, but can't be bothered to go into any more detail on. On the front, it's just a smaller version of that pound coin. It's made from 100% cotton and some silk, and I don't know if it's machine washable - it probably is. What I can't say for certain is if it's machine dryable. If the weather is nice, hang it out; it's just safer that way. If it's raining, and you have a clothes horse, hang it on there until it's dry through. Please read the label when it comes to sticking these T-shirts in the tumble dryer; I don't want to upset Perc by giving out false washing instructions because he's a really big bloke.
The Greed Dance T-shirt is well smart and I do want to get one, it's better than the usual Uni-Qlo stuff I buy, so I'm going to award it a fashionable 10/10
Whilst I was on the Perc Trax Bandcamp page, I had a listen to a nasty, nasty EP with a deliciously fluffy name, and thought I should review it on here for two reasons:
to curry favour with Perc and his brilliant label
to save time looking through my inbox for promos worth reviewing
I Hope This EP Finds You Well by Somniac One is the kind of dance music EP Walter the Softy would pick out if he was down Phonica Records. It's such a well-mannered title. That title would also catch the eyes of Cuthbert Cringeworthy. However, when they get around to putting the record on and actually listening to it, the soppy softies would be scared witless and would run out of their bedrooms crying for mumsie and simpering it up...large style.
Have a listen to Buzz Pollinator (my favourite of the three tracks) and can you honestly tell me that Walter the Softy and Cuthbert Cringeworthy would like it? Seriously? You're having a laugh, mate. Listen:
They'd both CRAP themselves and squeal if they heard it. It's the kind of music Danny from the Bash Street Kids would like, or Dennis the Menace.
The rest of the EP is horrible, too, in a r-r-r-r-r-really good way, but there's honestly no way on earth Walter the Softy and Cuthbert Cringeworthy will like it. I'm tellin' ya now.
I love it. It's the kind of music I've always enjoyed stomping around to at places like House of God. In fact, if all three tracks off of I Hope This EP Finds You Well by Somniac One aren't played by Sir Real at the next House of God, I'll eat Jamiroquai's hat. Chortle!
I'm giving this EP a gnashing 10/10 for being so terrific!
I r-r-r-r-r-r-r-really thought I could live without blogging, but when I wavered and looked within my soul atop the highest skyscraper in Ruislip, and embraced my final moments as a human being before committing the illegal act of rooftop suicide, I realised why I was teetering there in the first place: no blog, no reason to live. Existing without Best Promos had depressed me to pieces...I had to die.
I'd not just given up on this blog, and the loyal, single-digit gang of readers who enjoy know about it; I'd given up on living and thought that the only way to end my sadness would be to take those cloudy escalators up to Heaven via a busy High Street, maximum disruption, attention-seeking and gorily distressing body smash during home time on the last day of school.
What a fool I have been. As I looked down on the children vaping below, I shook my head and cried. I then started laughing. After that, I cried for a bit more and clambered slowly down the Wimpy sign and fell to the pavement below, laughing and spitting.
"It's time to get back to work, Kev", I said to myself. "Yes, and don't let the bastards grind you down", whispered a brown-blazered year 10 girl as I limped towards my Eastcote mansion, crying.
COME ON!!!
It's fab to be back, let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, it really is. Now. I'm going to tell you all about a music tour by an up-and-coming young DJ. He's a smashing young man, he really is, with a lorra lorra talent, let me tell you. He's called The Secret DJ, but the only thing secret about him in my book is, err. I didn't think that sentence through properly, sorry. He's The Secret DJ, and his identity is the biggest secret in dance music since Speculoos Dance Squad were billed to play at The End in the 00s.
Nobody knows his name. Or her. Might be a her. Or a them. I don't know. I'm not sure if The Secret DJ has ever confirmed their gender, but I think it's a bloke with a massive beard, so I'll stick with "him".
That massive beard might be a prop, though, like the beard Jeremy Beadle used to wear to trick people into thinking he was a police officer...
...I've written about The Secret DJ's brilliant books before (Promos passim), but this is the first time I've whipped up a buzz around him DJing. It looks like a fluid kind of schedule because more dates are being arranged, but as Best Promos goes to press, this is where you can catch him (watch him) over the coming months on the Disunited Kingdom Tour:
Hmm. Hare and Hounds. My dad lives about 5 minutes from there. Maybe I should go up for that one with the missus. Hmm * chin stroking thinking face emoji *
Anyway, it looks like a terrifically wizard tour. Loads of fun venues and parties in that list...AND the music will be good. Have a listen to this:
It's good, isn't it?
I reckon The Secret DJ Disunited Kingdom Tour will definitely be a 10/10 job. Easy.
If you want to go and watch The Secret DJ, sort yourself out some tickets and go. Or if you've got a party you want him to play at, boink him on the bones below. He's a very nice man.
Some of you will be surprised to find out that I don't just listen to old Tony De Vit mixtapes when I'm working on this blog, I listen to more contemporary stuff, too, like old Tiga and fabric CDs...LOL!
No, but seriously, I'm quite modern, ladies and gentlemen. I have a Bandcamp account. I do! Oi! Shut it (I said all that in a Frankie Howerd voice). I do, I have a Bandcamp account and this morning I actually signed into it and had a listen to some music. Let's have a listen together and score the following releases out of 10.
First up is an EP by something called Bless This Machine. Those in the know will know that Bless This Machine are an Edinburgh-based music collective (does that just mean they're a band who live in Edinburgh? Collective sounds cooler, probably) who make soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes. Well, I love soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes when I'm not listening to pumping hi-nrg, Ozzy Osbourne singles, minimal techno or Blur, so I am naturally inclined to love Bless This Machine.
They've got an EP out now called Cyclical Nature, and I've been playing it nonstop for the last sixteen minutes. It's a beauty! (I said that in a Bob Mortimer voice)
Cyclical Nature is a 4-track masterpiece that is 3-parts soft, soaring and beautifully cinematic soundscapes and 1-part more beats-based dance music that I liked the most. Finer Point is ace. It's like a dancier version of Optigan 1 by Blur.
It's great, isn't it? If Phil Mitchell was stood over my naked, hogtied body with a lump hammer to my face, I'd definitely score this a 10/10
After listening to that EP, I had a listen to the new one by Richard Norris; Music For Healing - Equinox 8. This is what I wrote down on my notepad as Bandcamp whirred away in the background:
Despite having an extremely aggressive and violent sounding, Kray-era name, Richard Norris is not a 1970s secondary school bully or a 1960s Bethnal Green murderer, he is a this-era music producer in 2023. On his pictures, Richard Norris also looks like a hard, nasty, wasp-chewing bastard, but I don't think he's ever murdered anyone and I've heard that he's quite a nice bloke.
Richard - get in touch with Best Promos to confirm that you have never murdered anyone. Silence speaks volumes, so let's please clear this up. Thanks.
Music For Healing - Equinox 8 is the 8th edition of the monthly Equinox series. From what I can gather, he's knocking out a couple of r-r-r-r-r-really long mystical ambient songs on the first of every month this year. On Equinox 8 there are two 20-minute tracks called Lammas 1 and Lammas 2. They're both absolutely brilliant, but if you were to ask me which one is which on a blind listening test, I couldn't tell you. They sound almost exactly the same, so if you were a proper rubber-gloved tight arse, or Scottish, you could get away with only buying one of the tracks from this release, saving yourself a whopping...no, hang on, I've had a look and it's a fiver whether you buy the whole EP or just the one track, so you might as well get both of them. Which is no bad thing because, like I said before, they're absolutely brilliant! (I said that in a Paul Whitehouse Fast Show voice)
Now, let me think. I need to award Music For Healing - Equinox 8 a high score because I feel blissed out and chilled by the transcendental vibes, man. Yes. I'm giving it a WHOPPING 10/10 !
Well done, Richard Norris. Print this off and stick it on your fridge!
If you've been affected by any of the issues raised in today's #BestPromos, there are details of organisations that offer advice and support at https://BestPromos/actionline
